Mother-in-law madness

[Catalinapilot]

My mother-in-law speaks only Spanish; moved in 11 months ago, husband passed away. Beginning we did everything for her, cook, clean, pamper. She only watched TV; didn't talk to anyone or the 4 daughters I have. It's been a while and I think the grieving should be easier. Still, won't help out; only watches TV. Total pain in the you know what. Told hubby many times, he's in a spot of not knowing what to do. I want her out but there's no where to go. She still has a mother who is in her 90s and visits her still. I've now got her going to the sr. center five days a week to get her out of my hair; I work at home. Won't budge on trying to communicate with us. She has another son, who is a felon, that her feelings of sympathy -- oh and a hype -- get in between me and my husband's marriage. She gives 50 percent of her SS check to the "devil" for his heroin and knows it's wrong. This last turkey day, she told my mother, mind you, that she hates my cooking (I cook healthy) She hates salads and veggies and only eats them because that's what is served and it makes her sick to her stomach. I'm livid. She's gone for two more weeks, but I'm wondering if I get revenge, tell my husband, feed double servings of veggies at dinner, change my seat at the table (I sit right across from her) or what. She drives me up the wall. My hubby was sympathetic because he said she lost her husband, her house. (had to sell because the hype son used it as a crack house) and she's sad and she was bankrupt. Well, I'm stuck in the middle. I've had to move my office to give her a room to stay. I'm stuck in the den with a makeshift office, trying to work. Bottom line: can you say migraine? I wish my husband would quit being a weenie. So the MIL is uneducated, speaks no English, can't drive, doesn't know how to manage money, doesn't know how to figure out to get to the store to shop or market, (can operate a remote) I'm screwed.

[blind_otter]

This is a difficult situation, language barriers and cultural differences suck!

 

The thing is, culture shock is a reality, and older people especially have a hard time with this. My grandmother immigrated from Vietnam in 1987 and still barely speaks any english. She is terrified to leave her house (she lives with my uncle) and mainly putters around cooking and gardening and watching videos shipped to her by friends in Vietnam.

 

Is there anything that she does to you specifically, to make you upset? Or is it just that she is despondent, depressed, and doesn't speak english?

 

Now, depression is a reality as well....my sister has suffered with it for years.

 

I guess it's easy for me to advise compassion from this side of the fence.

 

I remember in 1987, I was 8 years old, and my Mom sponsored her two sisters, her brother, and her mother to come to America. There were 9 of us living in a three bedroom house! Talk about cramped quarters. It was hard, but with a lot of understanding and the cooperation of the whole family we were able to get through it.

 

Maybe if you write down exactly what your mother in law could do to make the situation better, you can sit down with your hubby and mother-in-law and have a non-confrontational discussion about how to make the living situation better for everyone? If you've tried approaching the problem several times, without success, maybe it's time to change your angle?

[Catalinapilot]

Well, I personally don't hate her. I just hate living with her. See, the sibling is the main problem. Since he was 14 and my husband 16, I've always disliked him. That was when he started on pot. My in-laws have never been guidance parents. They always gave in to the hype and never did a thing for my husband. My husband and I met at 16 and were high school sweethearts; now we'll be going on 25 years of marriage in May. The brother has always been unemployed and had the parents give him cars every year and pay all his bills. They never said no because the hype screams at them. So that's a problem.

 

For all those years, it's been nice because the parents and us would only just say hi and how are you. just small talk. She's been here in this country for 50 years and chose not to learn English. But then berated me (who, mind you, learned Spanish on my own) on not teaching my kids. I'm not the teacher, it should be my husband. He's fluent. I told her that she can now teach my girls. And when they asked her how to say things, her response was look it up in a book or ask your dad. Thank goodness the girls didn't know she said that.

 

My husband I are raising 4 girls and have a house and I work at home, he has a great job. We've not asked for a thing from them because we do it on our own, no matter how hard it is. They've even borrowed from us. We are just middle-class folk with good hearts.

 

So the father dies and the hype created a huge scene at the funeral. There was police, cursing and just total embarrassment. You'd think the mother would remember this. The hype was the reason the father died because he couldn't take it anymore. They hype moved back in and just stressed out the parents because they couldn't say no.

 

Now, we had to sell her house because she would have died living with the brother. She was hooked on Ambien as well. I took her to the doctors and got her off and back to health.

 

I've tried, believe me, I have. My girls have too. I just figured that at the five-month point she could learn to make herself breakfast and lunch. I don't mind dinner. So now, if it's not brought to her, she won't make anything for herself or get up. She'll wait till my husband comes home to bring her something or she'll just go without eating. She's that stubborn. Her arms are not broken, nor her legs, she's fully able to get around. I've told her not to act like a visitor, that she's family. But she won't budge. She could wash her clothes. I now have her washing her clothes and refuses to give me a hand with mine. I have five other people to take care of. I was hoping my husband would tell her to help me out. I have a big house to clean and people to clean up for, not to mention I work from sun up to sundown on my computer working for people. I'm an editor for the courts.

 

She went on vacation with us to Arkansas and back to California. Six days. She didn't say a peep. She only talks to her son, my husband. That's it. My girls annoy her, it seems. Little girls and big girls giggling doesn't go over with her well. She was never the lovey gramma, but for goodness sakes, she is living with us now. I think it's time to show some communication. My girls now don't feel she exists. All she thinks about is her hype son who she feels bad because she sold her house and now he's off on the street to fend for himself, (he's 42 years old) and her grief overcomes her that when he ask for money, she gives to him.

 

My husband scolds her many times about this and their arguments cause the house to be upside down. Am I supposed to enjoy her with open arms after she gets the family all upset because she is so dense. My husband and I need space and alone time. She doesn't see it. I will not go on another vacation with her and she knows now that she annoys me. I can't help it but show it. She gets my husband all upset and I don't like it. Because now, I get an upset, angry husband to sit down in the evenings with while she's in her room. Thanks a lot. She's lazy and doesn't throws trash in her room. I stopped vaccumming her room. She's real heavy and ruining my furniture because she doesn't move for 8 hours at a time and complains of stomach aches. Now my couch and chairs look like tortillas.

 

I'm frustrated and I feel I've tried. I'm bitter because I got dumped with a 75-year-old child that won't help. I got my office torn apart, my business was in in chaos, I don't get any gratitude from her, only annoyance. She doesn't appreciate our menu, she only likes junk food and deep fried crap. She's from Cuba and only talks about Cuba every day, Cuba this, in Cuba that. So now I say California this and California that. I find it difficult that her favorite grandchild is the one from the hype and he's a boy is who she will only talk to. I have girls. She loves that grandson and my girls know that. That's what makes me mad. She's in my house, she won't talk to my girls, but yet I have to deal with it and accept it. That's now asking a lot from someone for a year has tried to work with her.

 

I've taken her to the doctors, took her to the store to see what she likes to eat, took her shopping. She returned anything I picked out. She didn't like anything at the market, bought some bread for the hype. She hates the doctor I picked because this doctor won't take any bull and detoxed her.

 

 

My husband is now seeing the light and was more than happy to take her to her mother's this last week. I'm hoping for some peace for a bit. I think one day, I'll just find a place for to live and work my butt off some more to compensate the rent for a senior living place. But I'm supposed to be understanding.

 

I have thought about the depression. That's why I send her to the senior center to be with people her own age and and make friends and assist her in her grief. I'm out of spirit now and ambition.

 

[jolbur]

i feel really bad for your situation. i have a mother in law from hell, a totally selfish, selfcentered witch, who tries to play us off eachother. after 5 years i finally had it and told her off. big time. now she will respect me. and that is the problem. no respect. maybe she thinks cuba is all that, fine, tell her to go back. you have bent over backwards. but the part of your girls, i would be so angry over that. you tried to be nice, now i would try shock therapy type confrontation. you have a right to stand up for yourself. and really your hubby has to decide, momma or his family. i wouldnt leave her destitute, but i would not allow her to sponge off you anymore. she has money, make her live on her own, if she gives it all to the useless piece of trash, than let her. she will learn soon enough that eating is more important than him

all the power to you hon, i dont envy you. but remember those girls, they cant live with that anymore.

[Catalinapilot]

Wow, well said. Nice to hear someone who understands. I did end up telling her off after she kept interrupting me when I work. I work at home. She was so mad she stopped any kind of verbiage with me. I didn't care. Kind of works for me anyway. I guess with the tension at home, she took of to her sister's house. I hope she stays, but my luck she won't. What I just can't get is that my husband just gives in and overcomes anything she does. Urks the heck out of me. I just don't get it. He's this big macho man, but when it comes to telling his mother something for me, he just says that's the way she is. So from now on I'm telling her what's on my mind and I don't care what he says either. What is it about son's that can say anything to their moms when they annoy their wives anyway. geez.........