He is abusive but blames me for it

[Arabella]

Still thinking of you, Arabella. It sounds like you are seeing him in a clearer light slowly.

 

He's spending nights at the house?

 

Yeah. Kinda feels like he's trying to move back on the sly. Like, we're doing something and it gets late so we kinda get started on the nightly routine and we just go to sleep.

 

I'll admit that sometimes it's nice to just feel "normal" again... but that's about it. I don't feel about him like I used to, and I'm pretty sure he's picking up on that. Him staying over makes no difference to me. It's not like we're being intimate.

 

I actually REALLY resent that he controlled how and when we had sex for the entire past year. Made me feel bad about myself, and even told me that he didn't feel desire for me because of "my attitude". I can't believe he tried to manipulate me like that, and I let him get away with it.

 

Realistically, I don't think he's beyond hope. But I also believe that it's going to take a real shock to his life (ie losing me and his daughter) to make him realize what he's done. Even so, he'll probably be too proud to change anything, and he'll just go and find a girl with a more malleable personality that he doesn't have to struggle with.

[pteromom]

As far as the abuse... honestly, his father abused him first. As he grew older, he did what many young men in his situation do, and he reacted to defend himself. The conflict escalated as he and his father struggled for control. The situation with his mother was only because she tried to intercede and got caught in the "crossfire" so to speak.

 

Of course - this is usually the story of an abusive person. As long as you don't let the reasons he is this way lead to acceptance of him being this way.

 

Yeah, the situation would probably have escalated with me also, in time. I do believe that the fact that I'm pretty strong for a woman, outweigh him by a good bit, and have the ability to use weapons gives him pause. If he ever comes at me, I will not hesitate to defend myself. I'm anything but a helpless victim, and he knows that.

 

...but your child will be a helpless victim. Your child will be an easy target. Just be careful!

 

I think right now things are ok because I just can't be bothered to pursue any arguments so everything is peaceful. He still has small outbursts over trivial things, but I literally just ignore him... because what's the friggin' point of engaging him?

 

This is a short term bandaid, but doesn't solve any of the issues or give you freedom to be who you are in the relationship.

 

Kinda holding my breath about counseling today. I wonder if the counselor will be able to get through to him at all in their session.

 

You don't have control over that part. You only have control over your part. Be honest. Totally honest.

[pteromom]

Arabella, how did counseling go?

[Arabella]

Arabella, how did counseling go?

 

Glad you asked.. I was trying to figure out how to even post this.

 

It didn't go well. I left extremely upset, and the morning after (on my b-day), I told her I wouldn't be coming to counseling with her anymore.

 

As you could probably tell from my posts on Friday, I was pretty angry that day. Counseling wasn't much different. I'd been holding back from saying anything to him the whole week, so I wasn't in a great mood when we got there. He started playing the victim and when I interrupted him several times to point out the difference between his behavior in counseling and at home, I was made out to be the bad guy. The counselor turned the entire session around and began focusing on how I constantly interrupt him and how the "poor guy" can't express himself. He basically played her for validation.

 

Never occurred to her to ask WHY I was so angry to begin with. When I brought up the book I'd been reading and how the patterns in it match so closely with our relationship, she dismissed it saying that most of those patterns are just "ways men behave in response to women's behaviors". That statement alone blew my mind. Never acknowledged that his behavior was abusive... she just played it down.

 

This isn't the first issue I've had with how she handles things. She regularly focuses on little things that don't matter in the grand scheme of things, and the big issues go unattended. A couple sessions ago, right after the events that caused me to write this thread occurred (and her knowing all about it!) she chose to spend most of a session focusing on how I'm "controlling" because I "badger" him about eating healthy foods (he likes to eat junk constantly).

 

She once told me that I needed to stop talking about his past mistakes. Even though he's never really admitted to any wrongdoing, and he does't feel bad. He even says as much. Apparently, I was "badgering" him. So I should basically just shut up and deal with my emotions internally? That's one of the reasons why I'm so angry all the time! I have no outlet to express them.

 

Overall, she just minimizes his behavior (I'm basically made to feel like I should just "get over it") and focuses on little things. She barely acknowledged those events from the beginning of this thread... all she ever really said was that name-calling wasn't acceptable and they should schedule another appointment to begin dealing with his anger.

 

So, I'm done with that. It was causing more harm than good.

 

On the other hand... he was trying pretty hard on Saturday, my b-day. He bought me present, took me to a nice dinner... and sung me happy birthday. He was trying to make up for ruining my day last year. But I just felt cold to his attempts We went to bed and he wanted to cuddle... but I just wanted him to get the hell away from me.

 

Sunday, we talked, and I told him I don't feel like I'm in love with him anymore. I love who he used to be... but not what our relationship has turned into. I have SO much resentment and anger bottled up. His touch skeeves me out. He wants physical affection (not sex), but I feel incapable of giving him any when he's been neglecting MY needs for so long. I'm just not feeling it. Something inside me just doesn't recognize him as my mate anymore.

 

What hurts the most is his denial. To this day, I still don't think he feels sorry for anything he's done... from his deception, to the abuse. What hope can I possibly have, when he doesn't even see what he's done? What is there left to love?

 

I guess the end is nigh... we're just crawling our way to it. :/

[pteromom]

When I brought up the book I'd been reading and how the patterns in it match so closely with our relationship, she dismissed it saying that most of those patterns are just "ways men behave in response to women's behaviors". That statement alone blew my mind. Never acknowledged that his behavior was abusive... she just played it down.

 

Wow! So... did he find this counselor, or did you? I am just wondering if he found her, and if so, if you've Googled her. Maybe she is some male-advocate kind of counselor?

 

she chose to spend most of a session focusing on how I'm "controlling" because I "badger" him about eating healthy foods (he likes to eat junk constantly).

Well, I do agree you shouldn't "badger" him about his choices for his own life. When you get to a place where you truly realize you cannot control others, and their issues and choices and mistakes are THEIRS to decide and deal with, you will be a lot happier in general.

 

But - yes, this is a small issue in comparison with other issues in your relationship.

 

Overall, she just minimizes his behavior (I'm basically made to feel like I should just "get over it") and focuses on little things. She barely acknowledged those events from the beginning of this thread... all she ever really said was that name-calling wasn't acceptable and they should schedule another appointment to begin dealing with his anger.

This sounds very frustrating.

 

 

Something inside me just doesn't recognize him as my mate anymore.

 

What hurts the most is his denial. To this day, I still don't think he feels sorry for anything he's done... from his deception, to the abuse. What hope can I possibly have, when he doesn't even see what he's done? What is there left to love?

Yeah. The relationship cannot grow if he's not willing to own his part in things. There's just nowhere to go.

 

Maybe it is time to just start putting your energy into getting ready for your next chapter. Planning out your next moves as you pull away from him.

[pink_sugar]

I'll admit, NOT ALL counselors are very good. Most of them have been decent from experience, but my husband had a counselor he saw a few times. She had never even met me and was already saying he should leave me and that I'm a control freak and etc. Not surprisingly, he moved on to another counselor. I don't think it would benefit your situation though. Your man has no desire to change himself and that's the biggest indicator that there is no moving forward with him.

[Arabella]

Wow! So... did he find this counselor, or did you? I am just wondering if he found her, and if so, if you've Googled her. Maybe she is some male-advocate kind of counselor?

 

I found her, and in the beginning I already got a funny vibe about her. I could tell I was going to disagree with her views a lot, but I didn't think this was necessarily bad. I didn't want someone to just side with me blindly... I wanted a counselor who stood somewhere in the middle, you know?

 

Well, I do agree you shouldn't "badger" him about his choices for his own life. When you get to a place where you truly realize you cannot control others, and their issues and choices and mistakes are THEIRS to decide and deal with, you will be a lot happier in general.

 

But - yes, this is a small issue in comparison with other issues in your relationship.

 

Well.... here's the context for that: He complains he can't keep a stiff boner, and then gorges on McDonalds or similarly awful foods all the time. I've tried to explain to him that his eating habits are a big part of the problem, but he keeps saying it's not all the saturated fat he intakes... it's the fact that he can't get 10 hours of sleep every night. Yeah, okay.

 

I'm not sure where's the line between "badgering" him and asking him to change something that is causing a problem.

 

Either way, I'm sure this is a perfectly fine topic for a counseling session... just perhaps not the same one where he's just done all this abusive crap, and that got pushed aside and ignored.

 

Yeah. The relationship cannot grow if he's not willing to own his part in things. There's just nowhere to go.

 

Maybe it is time to just start putting your energy into getting ready for your next chapter. Planning out your next moves as you pull away from him.

 

Kinda feels like he's starting to 'wake up'. On Sunday, he said he felt like he'd been emotionally neglecting me, so he was trying to do better. Too little too late, I guess...

 

I'm going to find another counselor and start going by myself to deal with MY issues. I don't have any desire to keep fighting for this relationship.

[pteromom]

I found her, and in the beginning I already got a funny vibe about her. I could tell I was going to disagree with her views a lot, but I didn't think this was necessarily bad. I didn't want someone to just side with me blindly... I wanted a counselor who stood somewhere in the middle, you know?

 

Makes sense. Writing his abusive behavior off as normal-men behavior is a dealbreaker, no doubt.

 

Well.... here's the context for that: He complains he can't keep a stiff boner, and then gorges on McDonalds or similarly awful foods all the time. I've tried to explain to him that his eating habits are a big part of the problem, but he keeps saying it's not all the saturated fat he intakes... it's the fact that he can't get 10 hours of sleep every night. Yeah, okay.

 

I'm not sure where's the line between "badgering" him and asking him to change something that is causing a problem.

 

If you've brought up his eating as a possible cause, but he believes what he's eating isn't causing the problem, then continuing to bring it up is "badgering". You've said your piece. You've let him know that you want him to work on his ED problem. You've let him know you think his diet is possibly responsible for his sexual problem. Now, it's on him. Holding onto anger about it only hurts YOU. Think about it - when he's eating his McDonald's, he's sitting there happily getting what he wants, and you are watching him with resentment and anger. Who's the "winner" in the situation? You have to get to a place where you understand you have ZERO control over what he does. When you let that desire to control and change him go, it will be like shedding a huge weight. Trust me!

 

Either way, I'm sure this is a perfectly fine topic for a counseling session... just perhaps not the same one where he's just done all this abusive crap, and that got pushed aside and ignored.

 

Agreed!!! That should have been the main focus of the session.

 

Kinda feels like he's starting to 'wake up'. On Sunday, he said he felt like he'd been emotionally neglecting me, so he was trying to do better. Too little too late, I guess...

 

Just don't discount the possibility that his awakening may be just a reaction to fear that you are pulling away from him, and not an honest understanding of what he's done to you. You told him you weren't feeling it anymore, so of course, he's going to be on his best behavior so you don't kick him to the curb.

 

I'm going to find another counselor and start going by myself to deal with MY issues. I don't have any desire to keep fighting for this relationship.

 

This is a great idea.

[xxoo]

Arabella, I've read in the past that traditional marital counseling can be a bad idea when abuse is present. He needs counseling for his issues, on his own.

 

But yeah, you need to let go of trying to fix his lifestyle. Just hearing your side, that's clear. What he eats, when he studies, what he gets done and what he doesn't--he's a full grown adult, and you've got to let him make his own mistakes. Either he can make good choices or he can't, but you need to accept the decisions HE makes. It is no good to be raising a child with a full grown child.

[Arabella]

Arabella, I've read in the past that traditional marital counseling can be a bad idea when abuse is present. He needs counseling for his issues, on his own.

 

That's interesting... What was the reason for traditional counseling being bad if there's abuse? Would it still be bad if he had been getting counseling on his own also? Just curious.

 

But yeah, you need to let go of trying to fix his lifestyle. Just hearing your side, that's clear. What he eats, when he studies, what he gets done and what he doesn't--he's a full grown adult, and you've got to let him make his own mistakes. Either he can make good choices or he can't, but you need to accept the decisions HE makes. It is no good to be raising a child with a full grown child.

 

I see your point, but... If he eats junk, WE don't get to have decent sex. There's science behind this, I'm not making anything up... heck, on the weeks when he lays off it and eats better, the problem diminishes. Also... If he had failed that class because he didn't do his work, WE would've had to repay his financial aid (close to 4k). The way I see it, when "his" choices affect me significantly also, my thoughts should be taken into consideration.

 

I could go tomorrow and spend my savings on a new car. We would be left without a rainy day fund at all, because we don't have joint savings. They're my savings, not his, and therefore my choice... right? Not in my world...

[xxoo]

That's interesting... What was the reason for traditional counseling being bad if there's abuse? Would it still be bad if he had been getting counseling on his own also? Just curious.

 

Here's some information, although not all will apply to your situation.

 

http://www.co.washington.or.us/CommunityCorrections/VictimServices/Services/upload/12-Reasons-Why-Couples-DV.pdf

 

 

 

I see your point, but... If he eats junk, WE don't get to have decent sex. There's science behind this, I'm not making anything up... heck, on the weeks when he lays off it and eats better, the problem diminishes. Also... If he had failed that class because he didn't do his work, WE would've had to repay his financial aid (close to 4k). The way I see it, when "his" choices affect me significantly also, my thoughts should be taken into consideration.

 

I could go tomorrow and spend my savings on a new car. We would be left without a rainy day fund at all, because we don't have joint savings. They're my savings, not his, and therefore my choice... right? Not in my world...

 

These are reasons he is an unsuitable partner. Staying with him and trying to change him into a mature, responsible partner is not the answer.

[yellowgirl]

your abuser might be a psychopath. they are regular people who lack empathy or compassion and their emotions they display are faked. have you ever wondered if he is narcissistic

 

 

www.lovefraud.com look at that site and look up symptoms of a psychopath or sociopath

 

 

a lot of every day regular men who are abusive also happen to have psychopathic personality disorder

 

antisocial personality disorder. in that case no counseling you go to will help him

 

because an important part of the brain needed for normal socializing and emotions is not working since birth.

[Babolat]

hen I brought up the book I'd been reading and how the patterns in it match so closely with our relationship, she dismissed it saying that most of those patterns are just "ways men behave in response to women's behaviors". That statement alone blew my mind. Never

/

 

Well, not to say I told you so, but I told you so....

 

You should not confront him in counseling (I know you did not, but ny bringing up the book, you kind of did) with what you are reading and discovering, and I did tell you this counselor would not be able to help you or him. Again. it's all in the book I suggested you read, which you are, which is awesome.

 

You are making some great steps, the next one is to kick this man out of your life, permanently.

[Babolat]

I'll admit, NOT ALL counselors are very good. Most of them have been decent from experience, but my husband had a counselor he saw a few times. She had never even met me and was already saying he should leave me and that I'm a control freak and etc. Not surprisingly, he moved on to another counselor. I don't think it would benefit your situation though. Your man has no desire to change himself and that's the biggest indicator that there is no moving forward with him.

 

I could not agree more. I have seen a handful of counselors in my life. The last one was by far the best ever, and really helped me. I tell folks all the time, if it's not working for you, find another one.

[Babolat]

That's interesting... What was the reason for traditional counseling being bad if there's abuse?

 

It's exactly what I shared with you over PM Friday, and it's in the book.

[xxoo]

Here's some information, although not all will apply to your situation.

 

http://www.co.washington.or.us/CommunityCorrections/VictimServices/Services/upload/12-Reasons-Why-Couples-DV.pdf

 

 

 

 

 

These are reasons he is an unsuitable partner. Staying with him and trying to change him into a mature, responsible partner is not the answer.

 

I had to go but wanted to say more on this.

 

In a healthy relationship, of course we voice our concerns and work out issues. But if you can not trust him to complete his courses on his own, without your time management, what does that say about him? That's not normal. The rest of us got through college on our own, managing our own assignments and time. Why can't he?

 

If he can't eat a reasonably healthy diet without reminders...again...that's a big issue. That's not an issue that two people work through. That's HIS issue to work through, or not. Again, most people don't eat junk food to the point that it affects sexual functioning. This is far from normal.

[pteromom]

I see your point, but... If he eats junk, WE don't get to have decent sex. There's science behind this, I'm not making anything up... heck, on the weeks when he lays off it and eats better, the problem diminishes. Also... If he had failed that class because he didn't do his work, WE would've had to repay his financial aid (close to 4k). The way I see it, when "his" choices affect me significantly also, my thoughts should be taken into consideration.

 

I agree completely.

 

But you STILL only have so much control over his choices. You can always speak your mind so he realizes how his choices affect you. But then it is up to him whether to consider your feedback or not. He's still an adult.

 

And you ALWAYS have the choice of whether to accept him or not. If he had not listened to you, you would have the choice whether to stay with him and help him repay financial aid or not. You always have the choice of saying "His choices are affecting me negatively, and he refuses to change, so I am walking away from this."

 

And honestly, that's YOUR best choice.

[pteromom]

It goes back to that Reality 1, Reality 2 thing. You have to remember that his ultimate goal is NOT to do everything he can to create a mutually satisfying relationship. His goal is to be the winner.

[pink_sugar]

Wow, I am experiencing a lot of the same issues with my H. Especially the junk food thing...although it certainly does not affect his sexual performance.

[turnera]

I'm going to find another counselor and start going by myself to deal with MY issues. I don't have any desire to keep fighting for this relationship.

That's where I'm at. Finally. Last year told my H I was leaving unless he went to IC, after 30 years of him refusing. He immediately said ok, and went - whenever I pushed him to go. IC wanted me to go with him, so I did. But every complaint I brought up, she focused on what I wasn't doing about it. I was mad.

 

Until I finally got it.

 

He is free to be as big a jerk as he wants to be. The REAL problem isn't him and what he chooses. The real problem is that I continue to ACCEPT it.

 

So now I'm going to my own, to learn to NOT accept it.

[summerdowling87]

How are you and your baby doing?

Edited October 30, 2013 by summerdowling87

[Silly_Girl]

How are you and your baby doing?

 

I was coming on to ask the same.

[Arabella]

We're doing quite well! Thank you for caring!

 

It actually seems kind of amazing. I heard so many women experience all kinds of complications and discomforts during pregnancy that I was kind of bracing myself for the worst. But nope, the worst of my problems are being tired a lot, craving junk food and getting my cervix kicked! lol

 

Things with my SO remain dysfunctional and awkward, but I feel like I just don't really care anymore.

 

This morning I was trying to help him with something he needed to do quick before we left for work (preparing some paperwork to mail) and he started giving me an attitude because I was apparently not doing it like he wanted me to. I pointed out his behavior and as per usual, he blamed me for it and said that he would've gotten it done sooner if it weren't for me "stopping him" from doing so all the time.

 

I just couldn't believe how ridiculous he was acting, and made some comment to that effect, then I dropped what I was doing and left for work (normally we commute together). We haven't talked since, and I'm okay with that. He has class tonight and he probably won't be around until late. I plan to be in bed and asleep by that time.

 

This whole situation just seems so ridiculous. He hasn't done anything terrible recently, so I'm kind of like on stand-by, trying to figure out what to do next.

[turnera]

This morning I was trying to help him with something he needed to do quick before we left for work (preparing some paperwork to mail) and he started giving me an attitude because I was apparently not doing it like he wanted me to.

It's taken me 35 years to figure it out, but when my DH does that, I now immediately stop what I'm doing, look at him, and say 'you just gave yourself another job' and I walk away. You did great by dropping it. Now just be consistent: criticize? On your own, baby!

[turnera]

He hasn't done anything terrible recently, so I'm kind of like on stand-by, trying to figure out what to do next.

You sound like you're saying you can't decide to leave him unless he does something truly terrible. BTDT. The problem with that is that if they sense you are leaning that way, they step up and charm you back into a lull for just long enough that you give up thinking about leaving. Then they ramp back up, and it takes you another several months to get back to the point of thinking of leaving. Unfortunately, in most abuse cases, this continual back and forth wears down the victim's self worth and belief in herself, until she can no longer make decisions and she just gives up and accepts it.

 

The BETTER way to be looking at this is to say 'is this what I expected in a marriage? If not, why stay?' Look at your core values and determine if you're spending all your time swallowing your words and your feelings and not getting your needs met; if so, that is NOT a marriage; it's an abuse pattern.