Ex-girlfriend situation, fed up or hates me?!

[ThomasJW]

Alright, long story short I'm left majorly confused about my current situation with my ex, at the moment after roughly 4 months dating we ended roughly a week ago because at the end things got too complicated for us to handle. to keep things short I'm 18 she's 15, she was raped previously in her last relationship by her ex-boyfriend when she was 14 and left emotionally scared. she felt ready enough to want a new relationship where I came along, after some time we started dating.

 

Towards the end of our relationship around 3 months in her parents found out and told her she's banned from seeing me until she's 18, that's when things first got out of hand for us both. We met up once after because we wanted to see each other perhaps for the final time without her parents authorization, we did so because I was helping her feeling comfortable around boys and that we're all not guys just wanting sex. Her parents didn't see it that way and told her off for seeing me again, (Which did add a hell lot of stress to her then onwards, more on this later) however her father then said after some persuading by her that I'm not like the rest of the guys he changed it to we have to wait until she turns 16 instead of 18, (Although he said he'll drive her up in the summer, 9 months from now) I felt a hell lot better, but still crappy as she turns 16 in about 4 months from now. (7 months back then)

 

However over time we started drifting apart and I got too emotional/grubby for her attention, I didn't majorly hurt her but we had a few petty fights weekly from both of us. in the end about last week we thought it was best to just stay friends for now until I can see her again to help more. now this is where I'm confused.. About 3 days ago I re-activated my dating profile but switched it to just say I want friends not a relationship or dating, after about 10-15 minutes I decided to deactivate it once and for all because It seemed a waste, until her account was reactivated by her. Later in the day I started a conversation as we've not talked in about 2 days, (We didn't have a fight prior, she said she needed some space)

 

After conversing for around 10 minutes I can see she was upset about something as she sounded fairly aggressive, I asked and she said "It's nothing.", until I brought the topic of the website it wasn't at least, after a small argument I deactivated mine mid-argument and told her my intentions were harmless and I didn't go back on to date anybody else or anything and that I will stay off, she then told me "I can't believe you anymore." Which did hurt like hell, I then said to end the conversation that I'm just going to leave this matter until we're both calm to settle things properly instead of fighting, which I thought was a correct move. But two days after saying that I thought it was a mistake and today I sent her a message saying that we need to resolve this and that I need to continue helping her instead of fighting, It's now been 5 hours after she's viewed the message and went offline leaving me confused on what to do next. I know I shouldn't of done so because I know this week she's been beyond stressed due to the police asking her to press charges against her ex-boyfriend. (The one that raped her), right now I've backed away after my last message, I know I should have waited at least until later on this week.

 

So now I come to this website to ask for some sort of help or closure, I still have feelings for her but I know I have to be just a friend nothing more until she's allowed to see me/date again. (Her parents won't allow her to date anyone even me) Or at least until she feels ready enough to, but even then It's not guarrenteed that we'll get back together.

 

So my question for you all is this; What must I do? Shall I leave it a month of no contact and see if I can pick things up after things have calmed down between us more?

 

Also, one for the girls; Aside from the current police issue being the big issue for her currently, do you think she still cares about me? I don't think this is going to be a easy one to answer.

 

I apologize for the length, I posted the same story on different websites and I got next to no help, Loveshack.org is really my last hope.

 

Thankyou.

 

P.S: I also forgot to add since the news broke that I could not see her we talked and we both decided it may help her more for her to get her male friends to help continue what I started up until I can continue, although It was first hard for me to accept It was the best thing to do to help. Sometime in the next 3 weeks she's going to see a occupational therapist also, I hope they can do some help for her.

 

P.S.S: I re-posted this due to me messing up the title, my apologies.

[Porridge]

Thomas,

 

You've obviously become very attached to this girl and no doubt she also took great comfort in you. Thing is though, she is very, very young and has been through a really traumatic experience. Her parents are understandably protective and at this time, if she needs space then you need to be understanding enough to give it to her.

 

I'll give you the answer you don't want to hear. I know you've built up all sorts of feelings but you need to let this one go and move on. She needs to be with close family and prioritise mending over dating. You need to start enjoying your life and dating people legal.

[todreaminblue]

I met this wonderful guy when i was about fifteen i was raped as a child my parents didnt even allow me to go on school billeting arrangements after that for sport and such, and when i started seeing a guy who was older by the way when i was in high school.........unbeknownst to me they warned him off......never had sex with him,we kissed a lot,fooled around..he had amazing hands... we talked our heads off with each other dreams hopes wishes....he was a gorgeous guy in every way, he knew my history,he didnt care, played songs for me on the radio he was a dj.......always played blue eyes by elton john somewhere in his time slot...ahhh nostalgia.......anyway he ended it with me........on my parents request...devastated me at the time came out of nowhere and he was intense with me......so i was a bit shocked.......he never let on he had been told to let me go

 

 

i understand why it was necessary now.......i understand why my parents did what they did........they didnt want me to be so serious about anything other than my future career plus my history they felt i was vulnerable....and i was albeit a bit of a naive romantic...lol...I havent changed much....even with what life has thrown at me

 

 

you need to let this girl go and move on ...if you ever get back together...so be it but it needs to be when her parents have requested.......respect her and her parents wishes it makes you one of those gorgeous guys inside and out....respect is huge.....

 

 

ps i dotn think its agood idea with male friends.....thats my opinion..........i wish you well....deb

Edited October 9, 2013 by todreaminblue

[ThomasJW]

Thomas,

 

You've obviously become very attached to this girl and no doubt she also took great comfort in you. Thing is though, she is very, very young and has been through a really traumatic experience. Her parents are understandably protective and at this time, if she needs space then you need to be understanding enough to give it to her.

 

I'll give you the answer you don't want to hear. I know you've built up all sorts of feelings but you need to let this one go and move on. She needs to be with close family and prioritise mending over dating. You need to start enjoying your life and dating people legal.

 

Hey Porridge,

 

I'm okay with the concept of moving on without her, Including with the current situation it's for the best. We split up around a week ago but I started being more of a friend after being told I can't see her (5 months) so I've had time to try move from a boyfriend to a friend, I understand she does need some time and thus I'll give it to her, I may return in about a year or two and see how things are, then maybe try again.

 

In UK law the age range may be illegal, It's why at the start it did take long for me to come around to the idea of dating someone that young but I'm happy with letting her go for the moment, she's got some months to grow and help mend herself plus I need to focus on some college coursework, I'm not really going to fight against her parents or friends I'll just comply with what may be best for her really.

[ThomasJW]

I met this wonderful guy when i was about fifteen i was raped as a child my parents didnt even allow me to go on school billeting arrangements after that for sport and such, and when i started seeing a guy who was older by the way when i was in high school.........unbeknownst to me they warned him off......never had sex with him,we kissed a lot,fooled around..he had amazing hands... we talked our heads off with each other dreams hopes wishes....he was a gorgeous guy in every way, he knew my history,he didnt care, played songs for me on the radio he was a dj.......always played blue eyes by elton john somewhere in his time slot...ahhh nostalgia.......anyway he ended it with me........on my parents request...devastated me at the time came out of nowhere and he was intense with me......so i was a bit shocked.......he never let on he had been told to let me go

 

 

i understand why it was necessary now.......i understand why my parents did what they did........they didnt want me to be so serious about anything other than my future career plus my history they felt i was vulnerable....and i was albeit a bit of a naive romantic...lol...I havent changed much....even with what life has thrown at me

 

 

you need to let this girl go and move on ...if you ever get back together...so be it but it needs to be when her parents have requested.......respect her and her parents wishes it makes you one of those gorgeous guys inside and out....respect is huge.....

 

 

ps i dotn think its agood idea with male friends.....thats my opinion..........i wish you well....deb

 

Hello Deb,

 

After much deliberation I've come around to thinking about this situation more to understand it clearly and I understand what I need to do from now, She's too young to be doing something even with her parents protecting her, (In a way I'm glad they're protective, they were less controlling with her seeing her first ex but after him doing what he did I can understand.)

 

The best and only thing I can do really is move on, although currently I still have to flatten the issue about her not trusting me about the dating site + other small things I'll try resolve them and then just tell her that we need time away to develop, I'll try not to be a friend from now until some time passes as a 15 year old girl having a 18 year old guy Is a bit edgy.

[todreaminblue]

Hello Deb,

 

After much deliberation I've come around to thinking about this situation more to understand it clearly and I understand what I need to do from now, She's too young to be doing something even with her parents protecting her, (In a way I'm glad they're protective, they were less controlling with her seeing her first ex but after him doing what he did I can understand.)

 

The best and only thing I can do really is move on, although currently I still have to flatten the issue about her not trusting me about the dating site + other small things I'll try resolve them and then just tell her that we need time away to develop, I'll try not to be a friend from now until some time passes as a 15 year old girl having a 18 year old guy Is a bit edgy.

 

I think you are extremely thoughtful guy and worthy of respect yourself as you so obviously give it,and the best thing for her at the moment is not to date guys........at all....having experience at fifteen is not a good thing.......deb

[Porridge]

I think you are extremely thoughtful guy and worthy of respect yourself as you so obviously give it

 

^^^completely concur - your thought processes clearly hinge around what's best for her and that's very admirable.

 

There's other things I could say. A lot of my ways are very similar to how yours seem to be. All I will say is that a good heart needs to be protected. Give it to those who deserve it and don't let people take advantage of it.

 

Now walk through the door and enjoy the next 60 - 80 years. Best of luck friend.

[ThomasJW]

I think you are extremely thoughtful guy and worthy of respect yourself as you so obviously give it,and the best thing for her at the moment is not to date guys........at all....having experience at fifteen is not a good thing.......deb

 

Why thankyou, I've always tried my best to think what will be best over how I think or feel, even if in the end it hurts like hell.

 

That's exactly how I feel, dating guys right now shouldn't be a concern to her, for the next few months she'll need to focus just on helping herself over seeing/dating new guys. I know as well that her parents would tell her the same that she'll have to wait, I've at least got some closure from that.

 

Well an update from last time is that we talked last night, I messaged her in hope we can talk everything over so we both can have some closure then as previously mentioned tell her that it's best if we spend some time away from eachother to develop and hopefully move past the issue. I've planned around 2 months before contacting her again (Late December) to try start fresh between us just as friends, as a friend said to me the no contact within said two months will help us move past the issue and acknowledge it's all in the past.

 

Back to the subject we talked for a fair half an hour, the subject was brought up and we argued about exactly what went wrong etc. She said that I blamed her for her parents decision & that I kept bringing up fights to hurt her, all of which is not true. We had some fights I admit but I never started any to intentionally hurt her, nor blamed her about her parents decision. I know I haven't looking back at the conversations, but as said I ended the conversation saying some time apart will perhaps help. She just viewed the message which I took as a "Whatever".

 

I'm not really looking for a relationship or much from her in the future, I'm my own free guy again I can go out and get someone new, but my aim is to just make sure that everything is left in the past and she's getting on well.

 

I'm just really unsure all of a sudden about everything, I don't love her anymore but I just feel a sense of regret that I could have done more, including if I may have hurt her.

 

But again I'll just ignore the subject for now and perhaps in a few months time contact her again, I still don't really know if two months will be the best amount of time to let things calm down.

 

Again, thankyou both.

[ThomasJW]

^^^completely concur - your thought processes clearly hinge around what's best for her and that's very admirable.

 

There's other things I could say. A lot of my ways are very similar to how yours seem to be. All I will say is that a good heart needs to be protected. Give it to those who deserve it and don't let people take advantage of it.

 

Now walk through the door and enjoy the next 60 - 80 years. Best of luck friend.

 

Why thankyou Porridge, I understand she needs time and I will give it to her.

 

Exactly my point, It's also why in a way I'm worried if say if things don't work out for her and when she is allowed to date again her next boyfriend treats her worse than I did, maybe worse than her first boyfriend. (The one that raped her)

 

Why thankyou, I'll try to do my best bud, best wishes to you too.

 

I've posted an update on my last reply to Deb about the situation and how things are after last's talk. (Well, argument)

 

Kind reguards.