Stalking and emotional abuse

[venusishername]

I wasn't sure where to post this thread...

 

Former long term relationship, after the break up 2.5 years ago, he went on a campaign of severe emotional and psychological abuse against me. At this point, it has progressed into stalking (and I say that in the most serious sense of the word). Not once any physical violence, ever. But at this point, I am in fear of that.

 

It has felt like an ongoing rape for years. I have lived in shame and humiliation, constantly doubting myself and my worth because of this person's actions.

 

I have made significant progress since the beginning, but now coming out on the other side, he still persists and now I am completely afraid. I feel like hiding back in that ivory tower again.

 

Any other stalking victims out there? Law enforcement treats my situation as domestic violence, but I don't feel that it's confined to that.

[todreaminblue]

dont be afraid be mad.......dont let a stalker control what you do where you go how you feel...inform who you need to inform........live yrou life....if soemoen wants to get you.....tehy will.....whenever and where ever you are...coudl eb at home down the street during the day or at night...so hwo do we live....you dotn be afraid...reclaim your night and your days...reclaim your feelings you control where you go and how you feel ....dont let them take it from you...yes i have been stalked....results of being stalked....rape.......and i never went to the police.......

 

there is nothing a male can do other than torture and kill me is my positive.and they will have a fight......do i get paranoid....yes......but i live my life...and most nights i reclaim the night for the beauty it holds for me to see..i walk in it...i own it ....not them.....and they never will own me or my feelings ever ....ever ......never again...do not live in fear.....f uck them or f uck him...they are not your maker, nor creator..... or keeper..never let them create fear in you.trust in god he has a plan for them and for you.....god wants you to live....and so do the police make them your friends..........deb

Edited October 9, 2013 by todreaminblue

[venusishername]

Hi Deb,

 

Thanks for sharing your story. I feel so alone in this sometimes. I always fear that rape is the next level with this person, or that he will hurt me physically... it's hard enough being a woman and having to always conscious about the possibility of being raped, followed, or attacked, let alone by someone you used to know.

 

Thanks for your support. Most people don't understand why I've always been so stubborn against him and not letting him 'take' things from me. That's been so important to me to stand up to it and not be 'chased' out of my home and my life.

 

The law is doing their part in my situation, I'm just living in a heightened state of fear and paranoia right now.

[todreaminblue]

Hi Deb,

 

Thanks for sharing your story. I feel so alone in this sometimes. I always fear that rape is the next level with this person, or that he will hurt me physically... it's hard enough being a woman and having to always conscious about the possibility of being raped, followed, or attacked, let alone by someone you used to know.

 

Thanks for your support. Most people don't understand why I've always been so stubborn against him and not letting him 'take' things from me. That's been so important to me to stand up to it and not be 'chased' out of my home and my life.

 

The law is doing their part in my situation, I'm just living in a heightened state of fear and paranoia right now.

 

 

 

what you feel is natural to feel...what a stalker does is unnatural and wrong....try not to let that fear and paranoia stop you from doing what you love,being where you want to be....and my prayers will include you.......just a suggestion ....a sefl defense course....using your body as a weapon.....nto only for the knowledge, btu the peace you may get from knowing what they want isnt somethign you are going to give without a hell of a fight.......in a worse case scenario you will have the discipline and confidence to face what you need to face..you can also learn in the process how to take a hit and not fall to pieces..however hard it is...make it harder for them always harder than it will ever be for you..fight like there is no tomorrow if it ever happens not saying it will....i wish you love light and peace and that you never have to fight at all..be prepared as a woman..learn it anyway confidence will never hurt you in this department and that fear ....you can hold it in check but it never completely goes....a little fear is good to have...keeps you with an edge....hugs.....deb

[venusishername]

Thank you!!

[venusishername]

I'm so frustrated that nothing serious is being done about this person who has been on a relentless campaign to harass and me for 2 years. The law isn't helping me in the way I hoped...I feel I'm not being taken seriously. I don't want to become a statistic. I don't want people to say, 'Oh, we should've listened to her... her intuition was correct..."

 

Is it going to take me getting raped or hurt before someone stands up and does something about this? He is in jail, but I don't know how long yet... will know soon. It's up to the judge, which leaves me feeling totally powerless.

I am scared out of my mind that once he's released he will come after me and find me.

 

I don't know where to turn anymore.

[venusishername]

The only way to stop a stalker is to hire somebody to stalk him, or something. And if that isn't plausible, buy a pistol and carry it on you at all times.

 

I don't see these as plausible solutions.... Carrying a gun, maybe. I went out and bought pepperspray to carry and also bought a TASER gun for my home. I don't see myself carrying a pistol at all times, and I wish I could afford a bodyguard. Trust me, I've thought of these things!

 

Someone close to me brought up the fact that this behavior is most likely stemming from my rejection of him and that his attempts to contact me and follow me are purely out of desperation to have some kind of relationship with me, since he can't have the one he wanted.

 

It's been over two years since I left him, and it kind of feels like since I rejected a romantic relationship with him, he'll take ANY kind of relationship, even if it's as enemies, or just to see me in court. He'd rather have that than nothing at all. He's blamed me for ruining his life, and that's his justification for not leaving me alone. He wants to see me.

 

His actions have scared the living daylights out of me and I've been dying inside from anger and paranoia from this recent flare-up. People will tell me to take all precautions for my safety, including changing my number, address, etc. I've already done this things before. In my mind, whether it's paranoid or based on past experience with him, I'm sure he will find a way, because he's obsessed with getting through to me.

 

I can't help but wonder, although I'm so caught up in it, the target of someone's obsession, and am in genuine fear, is an ex who becomes a stalker just after another chance with you under the guise of cruelty and revenge, or is it something to be truly afraid of? It's hard to tell. My paranoia and fear lately have been totally debilitating and unhealthy. I don't want to live like that. Am I supposed to be angry? Am I supposed to feel pity for him? The fear is crippling.

Edited October 19, 2013 by venusishername

[robaday]

Have you maintained any contact with him? at all? responded to anything and when was the last time you did?

 

Im so sorry you are going through this. Its a self esteem issue on his part, his conception of self is so weak he put his whole self esteem on you and you were bound to not live up to it.

 

Something similar happened to me. Truth is he doesnt actually care about you, only himself. if he did, he wouldnt do this. i didnt do anything about the person who was me, apart from save all her messages in case i needed them later. i didnt want to ruin her life by pressing charges or whatever, i knew she was troubled and not coping and was hurting badly.....to me legal proceedings would have made her situation worse.

 

Not saying thats the case with you. Your fears are justified and do what you need to to stay safe because all of this after 2.5 years isnt normal. Is it possible something else is going on in his life? has he lost someone? are you in touch with his family at all? perhaps they can try and pull him out of this

[whichwayisup]

I'm so frustrated that nothing serious is being done about this person who has been on a relentless campaign to harass and me for 2 years. The law isn't helping me in the way I hoped...I feel I'm not being taken seriously. I don't want to become a statistic. I don't want people to say, 'Oh, we should've listened to her... her intuition was correct..."

 

Is it going to take me getting raped or hurt before someone stands up and does something about this? He is in jail, but I don't know how long yet... will know soon. It's up to the judge, which leaves me feeling totally powerless.

I am scared out of my mind that once he's released he will come after me and find me.

 

I don't know where to turn anymore.

 

Just a thought? And DO talk to your family and close friends about this, but how about going public with this? Get a reporter to do an article on you and how you've been stalked, and what changes need to be made in the justice system to make sure women (or men) can stay safe and not worry/fear for their lives. This ass.hole who is stalking and harassing you has to be stopped! Don't give up hope and DO continue to visit your local police station as often as you need, make them listen, make them file an RO against him and that you are fearful for your life, that you don't want to be a stat.

[2sunny]

I'm so frustrated that nothing serious is being done about this person who has been on a relentless campaign to harass and me for 2 years. The law isn't helping me in the way I hoped...I feel I'm not being taken seriously. I don't want to become a statistic. I don't want people to say, 'Oh, we should've listened to her... her intuition was correct..."

 

Is it going to take me getting raped or hurt before someone stands up and does something about this? He is in jail, but I don't know how long yet... will know soon. It's up to the judge, which leaves me feeling totally powerless.

I am scared out of my mind that once he's released he will come after me and find me.

 

I don't know where to turn anymore.

 

Take a self defense class. Learn how to properly use a gun.

 

Don't get into predictable patterns or schedules. Change up the way you drive to work - take new routes home.

 

Your predictable patterns are what works against you the most. A course in self defense can help you take YOUR power back.

[turnera]

It has felt like an ongoing rape for years. I have lived in shame and humiliation, constantly doubting myself and my worth because of this person's actions.

You know how to make it stop, right?

 

STOP BEING THE VICTIM.

 

If he emails you something nasty, email it to his mom and dad.

 

If he says something rude about you to your friend, post it on FB for everyone to see.

 

If he follows you to an event, call him out in front of them.

 

He only bullies you because you let him.

[venusishername]

Have you maintained any contact with him? at all? responded to anything and when was the last time you did?

 

Is it possible something else is going on in his life? has he lost someone? are you in touch with his family at all? perhaps they can try and pull him out of this

 

Stopped contact prior to getting the original RO granted in 2011. Recently, once he found out where I moved, I did respond to his texts (on one occasion) pretending I was a man, like a new boyfriend or something, in the hopes that he'd leave me alone and not come to my home. Found out that wasn't a good idea. Law enforcement looked down on that one time I did respond, out of the hundreds of contacts he initiated in two years.

 

No problem in his life is justification for mistreating anyone. I tried to engage his family in the very beginning in vain. His sister ended up physically threatening me. His mother is desperate and feels helpless. She is a reasonable person but she doesn't know what to do to help him. She and I did speak recently and she can't control her grown son. He also lost touch with his family, she told me, which is shocking considering how close he was to them. She told me he turned his back on his family. I knew he did that to his old friends, now his family. I'm convinced he's doing drugs. Those are drug addict behaviors in my view.

[venusishername]

Just a thought? And DO talk to your family and close friends about this, but how about going public with this? Get a reporter to do an article on you and how you've been stalked, and what changes need to be made in the justice system to make sure women (or men) can stay safe and not worry/fear for their lives. This ass.hole who is stalking and harassing you has to be stopped! Don't give up hope and DO continue to visit your local police station as often as you need, make them listen, make them file an RO against him and that you are fearful for your life, that you don't want to be a stat.

 

I love that idea. My line of study and work is law and government and that would be my dream to help others and change policy. I think that may be a positive that comes out of this bad situation.

 

The police and prosecutors are and have been involved. There is an order in place; there has been since 2011. It doesn't stop him. He just wants my attention I feel. I don't think the law can stop that. But I can.

[venusishername]

You know how to make it stop, right?

 

STOP BEING THE VICTIM.

 

If he emails you something nasty, email it to his mom and dad.

 

If he says something rude about you to your friend, post it on FB for everyone to see.

 

If he follows you to an event, call him out in front of them.

 

He only bullies you because you let him.

 

YOU ARE RIGHT. I spent the last 5 days sick in bed and alone with my thoughts. I realized the fear and paranoia was the wrong way to view it. All along I looked for outside sources (like the law) to make it stop. I know now that I have the power I've been looking for.

I don't believe in being vindictive, and especially involving his family members or posting on FB. But I've let him bully me all along. I've allowed it to affect me and victimize me.

 

As long as he sees I am ruffled in any way by his actions or words, he's provoked. It stokes his fire. If I don't give a damn and stand up instead of running away crying, maybe he WILL stop.

 

It's confusing because I don't want to be victimized but I still think that his behavior against the court order, and parking his car in front of my home is NOT OK. I guess I can just keep calling the police if need be but just not care anymore. No more emotional involvement!

 

They say the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. In my case, the opposite of love isn't anger, or fear. It's 'I have better things to worry about than your pathetic pleas for my attention.'

 

NO one puts baby in a corner!

[turnera]

Well of course his behavior is wrong.

 

So what?

 

This isn't ABOUT him. It's about you and you refusing to live your life according to another person's actions. Take a good self defense class. Keep the mace on your key chain. Install recording cameras outside and in your house and save the tapes. Regularly inform YOUR family and HIS, AND his friends, every time he does something - doesn't matter if they do anything, they will know, and he will get tired of seeing him harrass you, and they will tell him to get a life; it will no longer be of value to him to continue.

[turnera]

If he parks his car in front of your place, call the cops and say you think there's a burglar getting ready to break in. Make it inconvenient. If he keeps it there, have it towed.

[venusishername]

Well of course his behavior is wrong.

 

So what?

 

This isn't ABOUT him. It's about you and you refusing to live your life according to another person's actions. Take a good self defense class. Keep the mace on your key chain. Install recording cameras outside and in your house and save the tapes. Regularly inform YOUR family and HIS, AND his friends, every time he does something - doesn't matter if they do anything, they will know, and he will get tired of seeing him harrass you, and they will tell him to get a life; it will no longer be of value to him to continue.

 

I get what you're saying but my family and his family have been aware all along. It doesn't make a difference. It's like he doesn't care. His friends tried to help him until they realized that he was going off the deep end and then even turned his back on his best friend and even family. I never once tried to get them involved.

As far as the defense 'weapons', that is now covered as well as a security and surveillance where I live and work. I can only do so much.

[venusishername]

If he parks his car in front of your place, call the cops and say you think there's a burglar getting ready to break in. Make it inconvenient. If he keeps it there, have it towed.

 

I've done it all. I don't even need to make up a story, I just tell the Truth that he's in violation of the court order against him. This has happened three times total now where he's physically shown up that I'm aware of. The result is arrest and another count against him by the city. He doesn't care. I guess I shouldn't either, right?

But I wonder if I should consider him truly dangerous or just a royal pain in the ass (who has vandalized my car twice).

[turnera]

I get what you're saying but my family and his family have been aware all along. It doesn't make a difference. It's like he doesn't care. His friends tried to help him until they realized that he was going off the deep end and then even turned his back on his best friend and even family. I never once tried to get them involved.

As far as the defense 'weapons', that is now covered as well as a security and surveillance where I live and work. I can only do so much.

No, what I mean is, make it inconvenient for him. Make trailing you a hassle. For every instance of bugging you, he gets bugged in return. Once you become too much trouble, he'll look for something else to do.

[turnera]

I've done it all. I don't even need to make up a story, I just tell the Truth that he's in violation of the court order against him. This has happened three times total now where he's physically shown up that I'm aware of. The result is arrest and another count against him by the city. He doesn't care. I guess I shouldn't either, right?

But I wonder if I should consider him truly dangerous or just a royal pain in the ass (who has vandalized my car twice).

 

If he's gone to jail 3 times, I'd consider him an idiot. Seriously, though, just keep racking up the charges against him; eventually, it'll be enough for them to do something real with him.

 

But DO be extra careful, of course. Never go out alone, that kind of thing.

[venusishername]

If he's gone to jail 3 times, I'd consider him an idiot. Seriously, though, just keep racking up the charges against him; eventually, it'll be enough for them to do something real with him.

 

But DO be extra careful, of course. Never go out alone, that kind of thing.

 

Yup, total idiot. I agree with your suggestion, every time he continues to bother me, even after attempting to make myself 'off the grid' to him, my hope is that he'll just go away. Law enforcement is currently treating this as just misdemeanor 'slap on the wrist' stuff. But at least right now he's facing some jail time. I can do my part, and do the things that are in my control to protect myself.

 

I've let this consume and define me for 2 years. I just recently quit smoking cigarettes, and being emotionally involved in this mess is just as poisonous as smoking. I quit!!!!!

[turnera]

I hope you're exercising!

[venusishername]

I hope you're exercising!

 

?

 

Yes....

 

?

[turnera]

Exercising is important for good mental health, especially when you're going through something stressful.

[venusishername]

Exercising is important for good mental health, especially when you're going through something stressful.

 

Yes, of course. I've used it as a mental outlet all my life. The good news is out of a bad emotional situation I'm staying in good shape!

 

As a victim of cyberstalking, I am now doing everything I can to clean up and tighten up my online anonymity while he is incarcerated. He has used the internet to find my new address, where I just moved over the summer. Obviously I had to open up utility accounts for that address. It is possible that he hacked into these accounts using my old email and old password. Since then, I have changed all my passwords to something I know he wouldn't guess, opened new email account(s) and set FB to Friends Only and removed things that would provide my work info or general location, etc.

 

I don't know much about computers, but he is a whiz... how do I prevent this from happening again?? Is there a way that he could've done a private investigator-type search to located my address? It was down to the unit number, not just the street address.

 

Any technology tips would be appreciated.