Stalking and emotional abuse

[turnera]

There is a company, don't remember the name, but you can pay them and they will do it for you so you are nearly 100% protected from such people.

[turnera]

Not a bad idea, another city. Houston has TONS of jobs, probably more than just about any city in America right now.

[venusishername]

Not a bad idea, another city. Houston has TONS of jobs, probably more than just about any city in America right now.

 

The day that I leave my hometown and the best city in the U.S. is the day hell freezes over. I have a great career, education, family, friends, and professional networks here. I grew up in this city and I'm not leaving, unless it's on my own terms.

This fool isn't from here, he's from a totally different state, where his family lives. He's worthless, lazy, and has become a burden on society with no job and now spending my tax money sitting in jail because he can't follow the rules. The only thing he's got going for himself here at this point is his probation.

 

I'll become a pistol-packing martial artist before I leave here, and I'm not joking. But thanks for the suggestion.

[turnera]

I hope you're serious about the martial arts.

[imtooconfused]

I have no good advice, absolutely none. But I do empathize with you because I lived through this kind of thing with a close friend of mine. Her biggest problem was that she would try to "play him" in return, which gave him the attention that he was seeking and was exactly the worst thing she could do. It sounds like you have tried as hard as you can to maintain No Contact which is the first of the most important steps. I honestly can't say whether this is over for her because we don't talk about "the stalker" anymore, but given how persistent he was over the years I strongly suspect that he still is trying to control her. For someone as twisted and dangerous as that, I really believe it will never be over for him.

 

Stay strong, block all contact, protect yourself on-line and report any and all violations of your OOP.

[venusishername]

I have no good advice, absolutely none. But I do empathize with you because I lived through this kind of thing with a close friend of mine. Her biggest problem was that she would try to "play him" in return, which gave him the attention that he was seeking and was exactly the worst thing she could do. It sounds like you have tried as hard as you can to maintain No Contact which is the first of the most important steps. I honestly can't say whether this is over for her because we don't talk about "the stalker" anymore, but given how persistent he was over the years I strongly suspect that he still is trying to control her. For someone as twisted and dangerous as that, I really believe it will never be over for him.

 

Stay strong, block all contact, protect yourself on-line and report any and all violations of your OOP.

 

Thanks so much. I can relate to the 'playing' part. In the beginning and for some time, (until just recently actually), I wasn't in contact with him of course, but I was definitely still emotionally involved in it. In the very beginning when I first got the restraining order, I was constantly in contact with police and appearing in court, etc. It's like he was the jilted lover who could only see me or have any kind of relationship with me through the court system. (Seriously).

Looking back, I think in a way I was hanging on to the regret that we couldn't end things amicably, I guess. That's why I was emotionally involved, maybe hoping for some closure. One of my very close friends used to tell me 'Let it go!' and I would get angry, like 'I already have! HE won't let go!' As it turns out, I think I had the subconscious hope that he would snap out of it and things could be civil (and I would feel ok again, not having to look over my shoulder). I don't think this is a bad thing; my intentions were good. That's the thing about closure.. no one else can give it to you. It's within you.

 

NOW, we are beyond the point of ever being civil because HE chooses to be a crazy, angry criminal. It's been a process to tighten up online stuff... technology has really perpetuated stalking to another level, which is very unfortunate. No doubt if he ever bothers me again, I will no longer be emotionally involved, but will continue to be proactive about it by reporting of course, not blocking (because I have already done that multiple times), but finally deleting old accounts and making new ones, changing my phone number again, and there is actually a program in my state that allows for an anonymous address to protect stalking victims. I feel like I've already done so much, but considering this is a serious and recurring crime, I need to go above and beyond to protect myself. In the past, I kind of felt (or hoped) that it was just a 'he said, she said' kind of deal and pass. I think a lot of people who didn't know the whole story thought the same.

 

p.s. Your quote at the bottom of your post is very appropriate. I really like that!

[spiderowl]

I really sympathise with your situation. I have a friend who is going through the same thing. These people are definitely a threat but in each individual case no-one knows if their stalker is one who will go over the top or not. Stalkers are mentally ill and yet it seems if they don't seek help themselves (and they don't), there is nothing anyone can do. They end up arrested, warned and set free again to continue with the same behaviour.

 

We don't seem to know enough about what happens to a person when they start this sort of behaviour. What is happening in their brain? Can the right drugs stop it, as they can with psychosis for example? Arresting people doesn't seem to resolve the problem so what would?

 

One thing the person seems to need is contact with their ex and they are prepared to take it in any form possible, even angry rejection, as long as there is 'contact' of some kind. I do think that many extreme human behaviours are distortions of basic instincts. What particular instinct is being expressed in this case, I don't know - possessiveness, the need for relationship, desire to control, fear of isolation - who knows? What we do know is it makes the target's life hell.

 

If someone who stalks seeks psychiatric help (yes, well, not likely I know), what help is there? Are we basically looking at a failure of the mental health services or is this purely a criminal act that the person has full control over? I suspect not because no-one in their right mind would push things this far.

 

Sorry to ramble on, this has been exercising my mind a lot recently for the above reasons. I do think you should be scared and put your safety first. Call the police whenever you are aware of the guy - see him, get a message from him, or whatever. In the US, you could get a gun. Here in the UK, it's not so easy. This is one of the situations where I would want such protection if it happened to me. These guys are determined and have all the time in the world to find a way to breach your defences. The only solutions for you in the short term are: 1) to move; 2) get him into prison.

 

I just hope he gets taken out of circulation and you get some peace from this fear and torment.

Edited November 6, 2013 by spiderowl

[blueskyday]

I was stalked relentlessly by somebody and nothing worked to Stop them, until I exposed them. I called their boss and reported his harassment of me. I called child protective services. I took pictures of him whenever I saw him following me. I called the police every time I saw him. I made it very hard for him. What I didn't do is ever talk to him directly. I blocked him on my phone, but he was able to leave messages which I never retrieved. The police told me that would be a good idea because if I blocked his calls from leaving a message, he would simply try to find another way to contact me. I also had a male friend call him to say he was my boyfriend and that he would do whatever it took to protect me. Basically a bully can't stand to be out in the light with people protecting you and that's what you need to have happen. This is what worked for me. I'm not sure what will work for you.

 

It's been four years since I was stalked. and I still look over my shoulder from time to time. The Good news is that a stalker will eventually get a new target. That's also the bad news. My advice in the meantime is to stay strong, stay mad and stay safe. Do not have any contact with him! Hug

Edited November 8, 2013 by blueskyday

[venusishername]

We don't seem to know enough about what happens to a person when they start this sort of behaviour. What is happening in their brain? Can the right drugs stop it, as they can with psychosis for example? Arresting people doesn't seem to resolve the problem so what would?

 

One thing the person seems to need is contact with their ex and they are prepared to take it in any form possible, even angry rejection, as long as there is 'contact' of some kind. I do think that many extreme human behaviours are distortions of basic instincts. What particular instinct is being expressed in this case, I don't know - possessiveness, the need for relationship, desire to control, fear of isolation - who knows? What we do know is it makes the target's life hell.

 

Sorry to ramble on, this has been exercising my mind a lot recently for the above reasons. I do think you should be scared and put your safety first. Call the police whenever you are aware of the guy - see him, get a message from him, or whatever. In the US, you could get a gun. Here in the UK, it's not so easy. This is one of the situations where I would want such protection if it happened to me. These guys are determined and have all the time in the world to find a way to breach your defences. The only solutions for you in the short term are: 1) to move; 2) get him into prison.

 

I just hope he gets taken out of circulation and you get some peace from this fear and torment.

 

Thank you, Spiderowl. I have racked my brain about what motivates this behavior. But it does help to get back down to basic instincts. I strongly believe his motivation is simply a fear of rejection and anger that I rejected him. I think that he didn't deal with the loss of the relationship and felt it was out of his control, so he seeks to have a 'relationship' with me any way he can. I have made that near impossible for him, especially at this point.

 

As of last month, he is serving time in jail now for these recent offenses. It's not a long time, but the formal probation will be for years. I worry about when he is released, BUT I do feel better knowing that I do have protection, I have my non-lethal weapon, and am taking a self defense course next month. A normal reaction to a person blocking your number and email repeatedly would be to stop, but he never did. So, I just recently created a new email that only a select few will know, and plan to change the phone number once I know for sure his release date. There are many things I can do to protect myself, and that feels much better than being afraid and paranoid. I have never failed to alert law enforcement about his contact with me against the orders, and will continue to do so. From this negative experience, I have gained a great respect for the police because they have helped me.

 

Thanks for your support.

[venusishername]

I was stalked relentlessly by somebody and nothing worked to Stop them, until I exposed them. I called their boss and reported his harassment of me. I called child protective services. I took pictures of him whenever I saw him following me. I called the police every time I saw him. I made it very hard for him. What I didn't do is ever talk to him directly. I blocked him on my phone, but he was able to leave messages which I never retrieved. The police told me that would be a good idea because if I blocked his calls from leaving a message, he would simply try to find another way to contact me. I also had a male friend call him to say he was my boyfriend and that he would do whatever it took to protect me. Basically a bully can't stand to be out in the light with people protecting you and that's what you need to have happen. This is what worked for me. I'm not sure what will work for you.

 

It's been four years since I was stalked. and I still look over my shoulder from time to time. The Good news is that a stalker will eventually get a new target. That's also the bad news. My advice in the meantime is to stay strong, stay mad and stay safe. Do not have any contact with him! Hug

 

I feel like I have done everything I could as well. I have made over a dozen police reports. I have blocked his numbers and email accounts at least three times. My father has talked to him, at first trying to reason, and at one point even threatened him. Of course I thought that if he knew I was protected, he wouldn't bother me. But that doesn't seem to work so well....maybe if I could actually start a new relationship, I'd feel more protected, which is something I haven't been ready for until just recently. I don't know what will work. It scares me to think that he is in jail just plotting his revenge. He truly feels that he has been wronged by me; that his life is ruined because of me. I don't know what it will take for that switch to turn off. Until it does, he will always pursue me I feel. He feels that he would never be in jail if it weren't for me. He feels I lied to 'frame' him. Therefore, he is justified in contacting me simply out of revenge.

 

I didn't have any reciprocal contact with him in 2 years until several months ago, when he contacted me out of the clear blue and texted me my new address. That scared the **** out of me so I responded pretending I was a man who was protecting me. He didn't buy it. I agree with no contact, I was just scared and that's why I responded. In the future, I don't see how he could bother me. If he does, he's got a lot of time in custody to face. I hope that is enough of a deterrent for him to never bother me again.

[venusishername]

It's been awhile since I've been to LS and just needed to share my thoughts.

My ex is still in jail serving his sentence. I found out that he could choose to be released at any time if he goes into an inpatient treatment program, but it seems to be that he prefers to sit in jail until June.

 

 

It worries me that after he is released that he will come after me again; in the past after I testified against him he threw a cinderblock through my car while it was parked in my lot. It worries me that since he has acted violently (not towards me) that he is capable of it. People all along have been telling me how I "should" feel, or making me feel like I have to justify WHY I feel afraid. Part of my growth in this has been that I feel exactly how I feel and that no one can tell me otherwise or even dare to question it. He used to taunt me, "you're not afraid of me!!! Tell them you're not really afraid of me!!! " Even his mother once said that I was "pretending to be traumatized". I am so pissed that anyone could ever have the nerve to say those things to me.

 

 

Speaking of the anger, I'm angry because it sucks that I have to think "now I can enjoy my freedom because he's in jail", but that when he's released I will be constantly guarded. I know how that feels because I've been there before. I can't sleep, I'm paranoid, I can't just be free. Maybe this time will be different?? Also, I know that I need to forgive. But I just can't because I truly feel it's not over. He'll be bothering me again, or if he sees me in the street someday he will act out at least. I need to get past the part that someone who I loved and trusted with all of my heart and body for 4 years could be so cruel and cause me fear for my safety.

 

 

My success and growth in this has been that I have become an incredibly strong person because of this experience. I have definitely 'chilled', but I no longer put up with BS, games, manipulations, and even others' opinions of me. I look back at the horrible things he used to say to me, and what do you know, it was even when we were still together. In the past I would begin to doubt myself because of the cruel things he said to me. For example, after we broke up he would say things like 'I never loved you, I just felt sorry for you', or 'no man will ever want you, you're worthless, you're a whore, blah blah blah.' I actually believed him, or half-way did anyway. But now I know better. It took me a long time to build back my self-esteem, but I'm there. I know that I am worthy, and always was. I read a book that changed my mindset about embracing vulnerability. A man in my life who kind of comes in and out peripherally actually made me see that, and he reminded me of my worth. I am very thankful for that.

 

 

And speaking of men, I have been through the ringer with my ex and was extremely traumatized and still have it in the back of my mind that it may resurface, so I haven't been willing to open up to someone new. Since my breakup I have preferred superficial relationships with emotionally unavailable men because I have also been completely emotionally unavailable. Until now....

Before Christmas I reconnected with someone who was an acquaintance when I was dating my ex (they only knew each other in passing). Five years passed, and here we are, now both single, have gone on a couple of dates now. I spent the night with him this past weekend and it was the very first time I have allowed myself to be so open and real again. Just the sex itself was proof to me that I was just being myself with no guard up or reservations about who I am and what I wanted. In the past I would have been ashamed or shy about my body or sexuality with someone new, thinking that I 'shouldn't' be so sexual, or concerned about what he thought of me. The simple fact of allowing him to see me completely in the morning light without 'feeling naked' was symbolic to me. It felt really great to do that.

 

 

Looking back I was so closed off for so long after this relationship ended. I hated myself for being involved in this situation, and was so ashamed. I had very little self-worth and honestly didn't like myself much. It's so cliché, but you can't love someone else unless you love yourself first. I have been going to therapy since then, and she told me recently that the same goes for trust. Once you believe in yourself, it's easier to believe in and trust others.

 

So I have made some progress!

Edited January 9, 2014 by venusishername

[turnera]

If this turns into a real relationship, you'll have him to protect you.

[venusishername]

If this turns into a real relationship, you'll have him to protect you.

 

 

Yes, that's true! I'm not banking on it, but it sure will be nice to finally have a man there protecting me whether it be him or someone else in the future.

I haven't really been open to it until now, like I said, but it's something I've wanted all along more than anything!

 

 

I do know that if any man is going to be with me at this point, he's got to be incredibly stand-up and made of steel inside and out! I come with some baggage but he's going to have to be able to handle that.

[spiderowl]

I'm so glad there are some positive things in your life now venus. I can totally understand the fear of when he will come out of prison. The way the law deals with stalking is very bizarre. It's a bit like letting a cat out of prison to see if it will try to catch the mouse again. We would see that as careless and obvious. If the guy won't go into treatment, don't let him out!

 

Hopefully, time in prison will make him reflect on whether he really does want to end up back in there or not. I truly hope that you will be free of him and can enjoy your new relationship (or other relationships) without fear.

[venusishername]

It's been on my mind a lot, about when he is released. I still have some time to take further precautions (and one is relocating close by). Actually I prefer that anyway because I'd feel safer knowing my new address will be anonymous. (In my state, there is a program for crime victims that sets up a PO box through the State Attorney's office so my real address will only be listed to the government.) Also, I am eligible as a crime victim for relocation expense reimbursement!

 

I have also been very fortunate to have counseling sessions also funded by the state (and paid by the perpetrators). Actually, that's the excuse that my ex came up with to most recently contact me after his conviction in 2012... he went through his probation and had a restitution hearing coming up to pay his fine to the state funding for victims. He had contacted me and told everyone including the judge and a male acquaintance of mine among others saying that "I" (the state) was "demanding" he pay for my therapy sessions, when it should be well known that I've been crazy for years. He has long lied to people that I was physically abusive with him and that I stalked him, which is beyond false. (I read another thread hereabout 'gaslighting'... sounds familiar!!) My attitude now is he can keep paying every fine the judge gives him as long as he keeps bothering me. I don't give a ****.

 

It's pathetic (and worrisome) that he chooses to sit in jail, but I hope that he's in there he's realizing he's the one who is wrong. I truly feel that as long as he believes his delusion that I have lied and that he is the victim, he will always come after me, or have a 'justification' to.

 

 

My attitude recently about this situation is fueled with lot of anger, which I'm not too sure is a good thing. I'm in a place where I feel that if he ever messes with me again, he will have a big problem with ME even MORE than the law. If he sees me he better run in the opposite direction, fast. I have fantasies about vandalizing his car like he did mine, and kicking his ass in the street!

 

I own a TASER gun because of this situation, and I'd love to tase that sonofabitch if he got within feet of me. In the very beginning of this which was over two years ago in the middle of our breakup, he had moved out and I stayed on at our place alone. In the middle of the night, I heard a noise coming through the bathroom window, and saw a man climbing through into my house. It scared the living daylights out of me, and it turned out to be him, and thank god not some stranger. But that fear has always lived with me. I am so afraid that he will do that again. I live in a secured entry, surveillance complex with a doorman. But he could still hop the metal fences and find a way through... and come through my window again.... (which is another reason I want to move up another story or more)... but I have told one or two people recently that if he ever comes into my home ever again, I will kill him. And I'd probably get away with it too as true self defense. It scares me to talk that way, but I would do it. I just can't help feel guilty for thinking that way....

 

He has physically shown up at three of my past four residences since our breakup, including this one. Of course I'm afraid of him confronting me on the street, or lying in wait for me. But I know that if he does, he should be afraid of ME, not the other way around. I am so pissed off and I've had ENOUGH of this ******* I will kick his ass if he even looks at me again.

 

That's where I'm at with all this. Probably better this way than scared, right?!

 

As for the new guy, we had another wonderful night last week. I'm really looking forward to seeing him again soon! No set plans yet, but we made it clear we are interested. Ironically, five years ago he used to be my next door neighbor (forgot if I mentioned that before) and kind of knew my ex in passing just because he was always hanging out at my place at that time. So new guy had asked me on our first date about whatever happened with that, etc. and I think my initial reaction caused him some curiousity because I was clearly angry and said something like 'I don't know, and I don't care.' Later on he had walked me to my car and saw the vandalism and asked about it. I said I had one enemy, and that's who did it. This last date, his curiousity piqued, he asked again, and being that I'm pissed and don't give a damn anymore, I finally opened up to him and told him that he was in jail. I didn't get into detail at all but I did say that he went off the deep end after our breakup, that he's now in jail,and that he better not ever bother me again. He said, "Well you don't have to worry about that now, I guess not until he's released.." and I said "I'm worried about that."

 

Just that simple admission that I was worried about it or afraid was something I haven't ever opened up to a new man about. In fact, I always hid it from the men I have been involved with since my ex. I was totally ashamed of my past and my situation...until now! It's so liberating! And he obviously makes me feel comfortable enough to be trusting of him which is such a wonderful feeling. When I told him that I was worried, he put his hand on my back as a comforting and understanding gesture. It was so nice. Just those small things, being vulnerable, and brave, and myself with no apologies are such major improvements for me. I feel like I'm finally open to something new after all this time!

 

I went from very low self esteem and hating myself after my breakup to being a tough as nails chick who will never put up with BS from anyone ever again. I'm a better woman because I had an ***hole controlling ex boyfriend. And when I see other men being controlling and disrespectful of women, it makes me want to kick their ass too.

Edited January 21, 2014 by venusishername

[turnera]

Good for you. Remind me, have you taken self defense classes?

[venusishername]

No I have not. I would like to though! I wasn't sure the best one to try. I prefer to do a Martial arts rather than a cheesy 'fluff' course. I looked into Krav Maga, and heard good things about Jiu Jitsu....

any recommendations?

[turnera]

Nah, I don't know one from another. We do have a place here that's specifically for teaching you how to defend yourself if you're attacked, like the kind of thing you'd send your daughter to, you know? Maybe something like that?

[Radu]

Yes, of course. I've used it as a mental outlet all my life. The good news is out of a bad emotional situation I'm staying in good shape!

 

As a victim of cyberstalking, I am now doing everything I can to clean up and tighten up my online anonymity while he is incarcerated. He has used the internet to find my new address, where I just moved over the summer. Obviously I had to open up utility accounts for that address. It is possible that he hacked into these accounts using my old email and old password. Since then, I have changed all my passwords to something I know he wouldn't guess, opened new email account(s) and set FB to Friends Only and removed things that would provide my work info or general location, etc.

 

I don't know much about computers, but he is a whiz... how do I prevent this from happening again?? Is there a way that he could've done a private investigator-type search to located my address? It was down to the unit number, not just the street address.

 

Any technology tips would be appreciated.

 

Most hacking is not done by having uber-duper-skills, it's mostly from victim stupidity [you are fixing that], or social engineering.

 

If you want an example of an old book, with some social engineering as pure examples [though it applies to phone phreaking], try The Art of Deception by Kevin Mitnick.

 

Here's a recent example.

A company was hired to do penetration testing.

They bought a good expensive mouse, modified it to include a small memory who would run a hidden program automatically because it was an USB device [who would also hide the new memory from the device list].

They sent it to a specifically chosen employee, who decided to take it to work, plug it in.

They later retrieved it [i forgot what way, but i think they used him again].

 

Some other guys did a similar thing with an USB stick, while disguised as fire inspectors checking how good the wires were [they just stuck it in, and returned later in the tour to retrieve it].

 

Getting back to the subject at hand, it sounds like you did your best to hide your tracks and to minimize your footprint on the Internet.

Read that book, if nothing it will provide quite a lot of laughs.

[Radu]

No I have not. I would like to though! I wasn't sure the best one to try. I prefer to do a Martial arts rather than a cheesy 'fluff' course. I looked into Krav Maga, and heard good things about Jiu Jitsu....

any recommendations?

 

I'd go with Krav Maga.

Jiu Jitsu is pretty good but it's more about disabling and seems more complex, i think you want to hurt him fast.

 

PS: I personally did Judo [some small similar parts to Jiu Jitsu] and have a soft spot for Aikido.

[venusishername]

I haven't posted in awhile, but wanted to update. I'm dreading tomorrow because as it turns out, there will be a hearing to release him earlier than June. It won't be immediate release, and obviously it will be conditional on certain terms of probation.

 

I'm just having a hard time. I knew there were going to be discussions had, and I have been contacted by the prosecutors and probation officer over the past month, which fanned the flame. Just as I'm going on with my life, this **** keeps resurfacing.

 

Anyway, I chose to attend the hearing last week, which was like an opening discussion with the judge, obviously the prosecutor arguing to keep him in custody. The truth is that he will be released sooner or later. For whatever reason they are letting him out early... I'm one of the belief that people who are receptive to help should get it in the form of counseling... and he is a fantastic candidate for psychological help. So maybe that's part of the reason. He had the option to go into inpatient counseling rather than sit in jail. He sat in jail, then now he's probably thinking that was the wrong choice.

 

I hadn't seen him since September, when I last testified against him, and I saw him again chained to the chair, brought in his jail clothes. It's pathetic. But it ripped my heart out. I guess that feeling is compassion. For as cruel as he's been to me, and as legitimately afraid I am of him and the fact that Idon't trust him, I realize that I can't continue on being angry. And I'm sure as hell not going to continue living on in fear. It hurt me to see him like that because I used to know him as someone so vibrant and with a promising future. I also used to love him completely. Despite the fact that he completely betrayed my trust in the worst possible way, I guess it's been hard for me to let go of the past 'idea' I used to attach to him and our relationship. I was hanging on to a hope, I think.

 

I really don't want to be afraid of him, even though his behaviors have truly frightened me. I want to trust that this behavior will not repeat itself. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt... but I can't. I'm not even sure that I should think about giving him the benefit of the doubt. My stepmom says that's just giving him more power. I am really confused as to how I am supposed to feel!!

 

Apart from my safety precautions already mentioned, and the attitude adjustments, I'm not sure how else to proceed...

 

I can't continue moving every time he finds me. I personally believe that's not addressing the solution. I live in a secured, surveilled complex with a 24 hour doorman. I can't just keep moving because he hacks into my email over two years after our breakup and scours through hundreds of sent emails to find my new address, or happens to follow me without my knowledge. If I move again, who's to say he won't find me another way? I feel that as long as he has the same mindset, he's going to keep repeating this.

 

The good news is the judge knows this case well and knows the both of us well enough to understand this isn't your run of the mill DV case. I was able to voice my concerns to him when I went, and I think that was important. The ex (let's call him R) could give a **** what I had to say, which shows me nothing has changed, and that worries me a lot.

 

So, I'm going tomorrow afternoon to court. I am choosing to, only because it concerns me that he is being released from jail, and I feel that my presence may have a 'power' in the eyes of the judge. I really don't want to live in fear anymore. I also know that I can't continue on being angry, because that is not helping me anymore. I don't have time or the interest to keep coming back to court to testify, or to attend to hear the conditions of his release from jail. I want to move on with my life, and be open to trusting and starting something serious with someone new. I haven't been in a good place with this for a long time and I REALLY want to be.

 

 

Thanks for reading.

[turnera]

You sound really strong, much better than before. You'll be fine. He'll eventually be just a chapter in your life that you think about now and then, with less and less emotion. Spend this time before his release learning ways to protect yourself, not leave electronic trails, get defense training, etc., so that when he does get out, you'll know you've done everything you can, and have that peace of mind.

[imtooconfused]

It sounds like you have done everything in your power (physically and emotionally) to prepare for what will happen, whether that is in June or sometime sooner. From what it sounds like from your post, it's just like bracing for a hurricane. You know it's coming but you don't know exactly when or how strong it will be. Let's hope the hurricane (the ex) can move on in a different direction. Our thoughts and concerns are with you.

[venusishername]

I just spent 45 minutes emptying my heart and soul into a post that didn't save before I hit preview. Let's just say things are very good, I am feeling very positive. I will post more at a later time.

 

 

But for tonight, it's the best feeling in the world to know that tomorrow is going to be the first day of the rest of my life. I can't really explain why I feel that way, I just know that something is shifting and I am really excited about it.

[venusishername]

I went to the hearing last week to hear the discussion of the conditions of his release. This time was easier for some reason. I just heard the news yesterday that he will be released between yesterday (Friday) and Tuesday of this coming week… but that he will have GPS and be transported directly to his inpatient facility about 45 minutes from where I live. He is not allowed to travel south of a certain freeway in our county, which gives me some peace of mind, unless it's probation approved. I looked on the inpatient program website, and I think it would do him some good. Knowing him, he probably thinks he's above it, but obviously that's the core of his problem. The GPS won’t be very long, but his formal probation is five years, I believe.

 

I don't feel as uneasy as I thought I would. There is a protective order still in place for another year, and I can always extend it. But that piece of paper does no good. I can't help but hope that he knows better now than to mess with me. I have firmly stood my ground and stood up for myself here, unafraid of showing up and speaking up, even when it was hard as hell to do so. The last time I spoke to the judge in front of him I made it clear that I'd be applying to the full extent for victim restitution (which includes therapy for crime and domestic abuse victims that I’ve been benefiting from for the past two years). That was one of the reasons he came up with to contact me this last time and show up at my home in September, because the state was slamming him with a fine to pay the victim's compensation board. He claimed and ranted to everyone that I was crazy anyway, and that he wasn't going to pay a dime towards anything that related to my therapy even though he knew it was a state program. Anyway, this last time about a month ago now, I stood up there and stated to the judge through a shaky voice that I intended to take advantage of all the resources available to me. I didn’t give a damn what my ex thought about it. My point is, I know that I've done everything in my power to stand up for myself. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I've had great support from many friends and family, and my wonderful boss… the people who believed in me and saw my worth when I didn't. One of my best girlfriends in the beginning drove me to the courthouse to get the original restraining order in 2011, drove me to buy the TASER gun, called our friends to notify them to help and to be aware that I was in danger. It’s people like that who are the ones I’m keeping in my life.

 

I need to do some mundane things in the next few weeks like change my phone number again just out of the abundance of caution, and never leave home without my mace and cell phone, for example. I can't be careless and oblivious to what's around me like most people can be, without thought that someone could be watching, waiting, or following. I’m not moving anytime really soon; hopefully sometime later this year. But when I do, I am applying for an anonymous state Attorney General PO Box address; one that can never be traced by anyone, online or otherwise, to my real actual address. This is a great resource that I have access to via the crime victims program I participate in with the therapy, etc.

 

I don't want to be afraid of him, but the point is I just don't trust him. I don't believe he's a bad person, I just think he needs serious help. On the other hand, I'm not sure if he's capable or intending to do me physical harm, or rape. Many people have said he's just a bully at the core, but I'm not sure. It's hard for a woman, not being able to trust a man... it's something that men won't ever understand... that there's always that fear.

 

On that note, lately I’ve realized that for the past two and a half years now, I’ve been totally closed off and not ready to open up and trust someone new. I’ve had a string of short term casual relationships, including a situation or two I’m not proud of and would like to call a ‘wash’. I can see now that was part of the healing process though. I wasn’t ready for something serious yet. Now I am. I was seeing someone over the holidays, as I mentioned in previous posts here. The last time I saw or spoke to him was prior to Valentine’s Day. On our last date, I spent the night with him (for not the first time), and he left, and it left me empty. It was then I realized that my casual dating mindset with no vulnerability and guarded heart was no longer working for me. I don’t intend to see him again, although he did nothing wrong. I just want something more now. And that’s a good thing because that’s a completely new feeling for me since this traumatic breakup.

 

One of my close girlfriends who I haven’t spent time with in a while told me last night over our drinks that she sees a change in me… that she’s never heard me with this perspective as I have now. That was nice to hear; it reinforced that I’ve come to a good place. In fact, she’s not the first who said that to me lately!

 

I have a lot in front of me, and I have a great life with a promising future. My ex became extremely cruel and abusive towards me after our breakup, and it nearly broke me. There were many times that I started to believe the cruel things he said about me. I allowed myself to be manipulated, because I wasn’t strong enough yet. I don’t beat myself up though anymore, because it wasn’t my fault or my failure that I was a victim of abuse. I think I’m a stronger woman than I ever would have been now. I’ve cried a river of tears over this idiot, but actually now in strange way I’m grateful that I went through it.

 

There is someone who has been in the periphery of my life for the past couple of years that I’d like to now open up to and let in, who recently told me that I should never feel ashamed of what happened, or blame myself. I need to embrace it, and realize that now I know that I can handle it and know not to tolerate anything like this ever again. He’s totally right, and I’m very grateful. I’m not sure if he’s available, but I know for sure he’s interested… and I’ve seen him often lately, just a few days ago now… and he keeps turning to watch me, he always notices me. I’ve been afraid to approach him, and talk like a normal person. But I think I’m ready to now. I used to feel ‘naked’ to people who knew about my situation. I felt unworthy, flawed, and judged. But now, I just feel beautiful! I actually feel more beautiful being vulnerable rather than guarded like I have been. It took me this long!