Stalking and emotional abuse

[turnera]

I'm really proud of you for the progress you've made. The only thing I can add is I really really hope you're taking some sort of martial arts/self defense courses - religiously. Until you become a master.

[venusishername]

I'm really proud of you for the progress you've made. The only thing I can add is I really really hope you're taking some sort of martial arts/self defense courses - religiously. Until you become a master.

 

 

 

Thanks, Turnera. I know, I know.. I HAVE been training for 10k racing, and I've been getting into fighting shape. I can run fast and am strong and agile.. but I haven't signed up for self-defense yet.

[John316C]

well ive never been in a situation that was anywhere as serious as yours.. but i have been probably labelled a stalker. really i was just curious about the person. one of the reasons i was attracted to w/e girl. ive been acted like by others like i was a stalker but no one ever said anything to me and i never actually stalked anyone. for me all i wanted was closure. i wanted to explain everything to said people and understand said people and then told that its over kindly.

 

 

if u havnt tried that it its something that i think everyone should do as a sign of kindness and basic respect.

[venusishername]

well ive never been in a situation that was anywhere as serious as yours.. but i have been probably labelled a stalker. really i was just curious about the person. one of the reasons i was attracted to w/e girl. ive been acted like by others like i was a stalker but no one ever said anything to me and i never actually stalked anyone. for me all i wanted was closure. i wanted to explain everything to said people and understand said people and then told that its over kindly.

 

 

if u havnt tried that it its something that i think everyone should do as a sign of kindness and basic respect.

 

Hi John, in your defense, I think a lot of people throw the word 'Stalker' out there loosely. In my case it is legally stalking. I understand what you mean, though. It makes me angry and feel totally alone (like I have been lately) when my friends or people in my life brush it off like, "oh, I had a stalker ex too"; or "maybe he just parked his car in front of your house so he could walk somewhere downtown"; or "just move on and try to forget it". I'm not directing that at your comment, I'm just venting. I've been feeling completely alone and isolated with my feelings about this in my life; which is why it's important for me to share with others who may understand, like maybe here on LS. My friends and family don't understand. I can count on one hand the people in my life who can truly relate, or can come close to relating I should say.

 

As to your comment, I think you have a great point. I think most people CAN have that opportunity too. To talk to him civilly and tell him that "I'm sorry that it didn't work out" has ALWAYS been a regret for me. TRUST ME, I have ALWAYS wanted to do that!!!

It was impossible because I became genuinely fearful of him, and I didn't trust what he would do if I did. I could never have a face to face sit down with him. Instead I had to put up armor and literally shield myself with the law. Meanwhile, over the course of the past two and a half years, he was showing up to my home after following me, hacking into my emails not only shortly after our breakup but TWO YEARS LATER (and yes, after I had changed my password three times), threatening to dispense of sexual pictures of me and him to my father and to my boss, telling all of our mutual friends and god knows who else that I had a sexually transmitted disease and that I was physically abusive and crazy, climbing through my bathroom window in the middle of the night after he had moved out and I was asleep in bed), making up a fake online dating profile and communicating with me for weeks under false pretenses and even enticing me to meet for dinner where no one showed up to meet me and he was likely waiting in the parking lot, throwing a cinderblock through my rear window of my parked car, and keying the word 'LIAR' permanently on my car hood. Now every time I drive it, I feel like I'm literally branded as a victim, or at first glance, a "liar". So I started walking more rather than driving that car. And as God is my witness, I will never go on a dating website ever again. I don't want to anyway.

So yeah, when I hear someone throwing around the word "Stalker" in reference to an ex, I want to give them holy hell and tell them to talk to me when they've walked a mile in my damn shoes.

 

On that note, I have come to terms with the fact that I will most likely never have that 'closure' with him as you put it. The thing with closure that I've learned is that closure doesn't come from anyone other than YOU. If you spend your time chasing gaining closure from someone else, you will never heal. I cannot speak for others that it will help, but for me, it was just very recently that I decided to open my heart and allow myself to feel compassion/pity for him rather than anger and fear. It was then that I started experiencing the hard truth required for my healing. It's been very difficult for me to accept the fact that the man I once knew, trusted, loved, and gave 5 years of my precious youth to was a manipulative, lying, abusive, and controlling person with many issues. It is not my responsibility to give him closure. It takes a 'whole' person to get to that point. I would have liked to, but there is too much water under the bridge. And I believe it would have been in vain anyway.

 

I'm having a hard time forgiving him. I think back to when we met and I was only 23. Beautiful, young, and very vulnerable. That was 7 years ago now. I'm still young and desirable I'm sure, but I'll never be that vulnerable and trusting ever again. We broke up when I was 27 years old... and he still rents a space in my head, in a bad way. I'm finding it hard to forgive someone who made me feel so badly about myself! When my aunt died tragically a few years ago, he was totally unsupportive and even cruel. I was close with her, and she was very special to me. Her daughters were the sisters I've never had. He said to me, "why are you so upset? It's not like you were ever very close to your aunt anyway." Or "anyone can do your job. You're just a glorified such and such." (meanwhile I went to night school for 4 years and got straight As while working the whole time). Or my favorite: "why don't you have any friends? If it weren't for me, you wouldn't have anyone else." (I found out later that is a number one signal of a controlling partner). I could go on with much worse verbal abuse from him. The good news is that not much can hurt me now from anyone because I've heard it all from this *******. Words still hurt even though he never physically touched me. I hate saying this out loud, but I would have rather he hit me once and be done with it than years of this psychological abuse.

 

Most of all, I'm having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I have let this affect me for so long, letting it close off my heart and stay in isolation. I have CHOSEN not to be in another serious relationship... because I was afraid of getting hurt again... if HE did this, and HE loved me once, why wouldn't this happen again with someone else I give my heart to?

 

Recently I recently doing some 'spring cleaning' of my old journals and cards, etc. and I came across a Valentine's Day card he gave to me right after we first met and had gone out a few times. We were not a 'couple' yet, and I was feeling lonely and sorry for myself on Valentine's Day. I walked gloomily to my door and there was a dozen roses and that card from him. The card said how much he was attracted to me, and wanted to get to know me but that he didn't want to be my rebound (as I was just coming out of a long term relationship prior), and that he would really like to have coffee with me and get to know me more. It was so hard to read that again, knowing all that has happened since. The last time a man bought me flowers was again him, at the end of our relationship three years ago, in a sweeping gesture to win me back that failed. It was then that I THOUGHT I did tell him "I'm sorry that it didn't work out", I kindy and gently denied his advances, and I walked away never to look back. I remember him trying to have sex with me then and I wouldn't let him. I didn't even want to kiss him but he was forceful. I said no, and went home. It was then that things really shifted for the worse.

 

I started feeling sorry for myself the other day thinking about "The last time a man bought me flowers was him', and the reminder of that night which left me with a fear inside and mistrust that hasn't ever gone away. This last time was also a dozen roses, but each rose was pinned from the ceiling individually with a handwritten "IOU" note taped to it, like "IOU... one diamond ring", or "IOU... one white picket fence". All the things any woman would really want. I said no then, and I hoped that was the 'closure' he needed.. but it wasn't good enough.

 

Which brings me back to my original point: that no one else can give you closure. I am finally coming to it myself rather than depending on him to fulfill that closure FOR me anymore. I think that's the hardest and the most courageous part of healing. That's all I've got for tonight. It's been a two cocktail and cigarettes kind of evening for me. Thanks for listening.