Why won't she do things with me she did with OM?

[road]

You should do all for your BH that you did for your OM. Tell your BH that yes you should get to explore all. Tell BH, remember the way that when we were first married and tried anal an decided to no longer do that well there are things that you did with the OM that after doing (whatever number of times) you did not find enjoyable and do not want to do any more. So even though I will do them short term with you I will not do them forever. You are only revisiting everything sexual to not deny the experience you my BH of trying new things. My goal is to make you feel even with the OM.

 

Though in doing the right thing your BH might not be able to stop himself from making comparisons and asking if the OM was better. All you can do is to be honest.

[Raven3321]

It think it's more of an ego thing. He was/is hurt that you willingly did things with the OM that you never did with your husband. Things that maybe he would have enjoyed exploring with you and deciding if that something you both like or don't. But, you did these things with the OM and YOU made the decision that you didn't like it. Now, you won't let your husband experience these new things because YOU decided that you didn't like them with another man that wasn't him. Funny thing about sex, it's different with everyone that you're with. Something that you didn't enjoy with one man may be enjoyable with another. Perhaps your husband would be more gentle where the other man was rough.

 

Let me give you a scenario of if the shoe was on the other foot and how YOU would feel about it.

 

Lets say your husband cheated on you. But, you discovered that he took the OW to the Bahamas. Enjoying the sun and surf, margarita's on the beach. Romantic dinners, rose pedals on the bed, dancing under the stars with soft island music playing in the background, walks along the beach at night with the surf gently crashing in and that the OW has your husband's complete and undivided attention.....sounds nice, relaxing and romantic. But, he doesn't want to do that again or anything similar because....well, he found it quite boring. BUT! He's gonna take you to a football game!

 

So, the OW gets sun, sand, romance and fun from your husband. And you get a tailgate party with beer and hotdogs. How special would that make you feel?

That has to be one of the best analogies I've ever heard. I'm stealing it if you don't mind.

[aliveagain]

This is inspired by a post on another thread, from Dichotomy:

 

 

 

One of the main reasons, for me, was that I wanted to try some new things, including a few less "traditional" things.

 

Anyhow, the point is, the A was exploratory. There were a few things I did with OM that I really liked.

 

The whole A was a beginning-stage relationship, doubly so, since I was in exploratory mode.

 

Why would you rather experiment with your husband's friend of 15 years than with your husband? Why couldn't you do it in your marriage, isn't that part of building a relationship?

[tinktronik]

This is inspired by a post on another thread, from Dichotomy:

 

 

 

One of the main reasons, for me, was that I wanted to try some new things, including a few less "traditional" things.

 

Anyhow, the point is, the A was exploratory. There were a few things I did with OM that I really liked.

 

The whole A was a beginning-stage relationship, doubly so, since I was in exploratory mode.

 

Why would you rather experiment with your husband's friend of 15 years than with your husband? Why couldn't you do it in your marriage, isn't that part of building a relationship?

I would reiterate this question. I just don't understand the need to seek it outside the relationship, other that that the affair was the exploratory thing CD was after in the first place. What was it that you were seeking CD?

[shakenandstirred]

Wow..just read your BH's thread. He may not have been a saint either, but the level of deception you implemented and cold remorseless reply of " I am not sorry I had sex with him" gives me a whole new perspective of you. just wow. I ascertain you are remorseful now, I really hope you are because you ought to thank God or whatever you believe for a husband like you have. A much lesser man would be gone.

[road]

Actually, I'm quite surprised to hear how about how you "enjoyed" sex with your OM.

 

The story you told your husband (according to his thread) was that the OM was a lousy lover and he was hung like a light switch. Good story - it appears he fell for it.

 

 

Which is it?

 

Light switch or horse?

 

Great sex or bad sex?

[GorillaTheater]

I actually wanted to do a threesome with OM, but since I knew H really wanted to try one, I told him that if I did one, it would be with H.

 

For crissakes please tell me that this doesn't mean that you were thinking about about a threesome involving you, the OM, and your H.

[compulsivedancer]

I had a long post and it got lost.

 

They way you tried things when first married then discarded them that is normal and right for why do them if they are not fun.

 

For your BH to demand or expect you to do things that you tried for the OM you must now do forever for him is wrong. Because there will be things that after experimenting that you found out were not enjoyable.

 

You did anal with BH and the OM 2 times vs 3 times. No need to revisit that.

 

Though you make it sound as if you did a ton of new things with the OM that your BH never got to do. And you now refuse to do them with your BH.

 

You place your BH in a spot that he never will get to do those things that you had so much fun exploring in your affair. Your BH has to have an affair and find another woman to do these things with.

 

Though he still will never be even because you never gave your BH what you freely gave your OM. That is what your BH needs. For you his wife to give him all of what you gave the OM. Not half of what you gave your OM.

 

Actually, time #3 with H and time #3 with OM were both no-gos. Because its just not my thing. I would be willing to try again with H, but not okay with doing it on-demand indefinitely.

 

As for anything else I did with OM, I am willing (and in some cases, excited) to do with H. As someone said earlier, just because I didn't enjoy something with OM doesn't mean I wouldn't love it with H.

 

Actually, the main intent with this post was to help BSs understand that the answer to the title of this post can be complicated. As Dichotomu himself points out, there are multiple reasons. I know it hurts and it sucks and it causes triggers for the BS, but there are many reasons a WS may not want to do a certain thing with her H that she did with her OM. And most of those have nothing to do with her H.

 

Actually, in my case, H is "equipped" a little differently (better) than OM, which is a lot of fun for regular sex, but makes anal sex a bit more challenging.

 

Sidenote: I did not know H was going to post last night, or I would not have had a thread going at the same time. The cross-talk is weird, because I haven't dived into his thread yet. (Grammar note: haven't dived IS correct, even though it's awkward).

[tinktronik]

Actually, time #3 with H and time #3 with OM were both no-gos. Because its just not my thing. I would be willing to try again with H, but not okay with doing it on-demand indefinitely.

 

As for anything else I did with OM, I am willing (and in some cases, excited) to do with H. As someone said earlier, just because I didn't enjoy something with OM doesn't mean I wouldn't love it with H.

 

Actually, the main intent with this post was to help BSs understand that the answer to the title of this post can be complicated. As Dichotomu himself points out, there are multiple reasons. I know it hurts and it sucks and it causes triggers for the BS, but there are many reasons a WS may not want to do a certain thing with her H that she did with her OM. And most of those have nothing to do with her H.

 

Actually, in my case, H is "equipped" a little differently (better) than OM, which is a lot of fun for regular sex, but makes anal sex a bit more challenging.

 

Sidenote: I did not know H was going to post last night, or I would not have had a thread going at the same time. The cross-talk is weird, because I haven't dived into his thread yet. (Grammar note: haven't dived IS correct, even though it's awkward).

 

So are you posting here in order to explain things to others or to figure out some things about yourself? The way you phrased that really makes it sound like you are defining yourself as an expert wandering spouse and not as a novice reformed/reforming spouse. I think there is an important self reflective note that you may be able to walk away with if you consider this question carefully. How is it that you are going to walk away today as defining yourself, and how do those roles vary for you personally?

[road]

For crissakes please tell me that this doesn't mean that you were thinking about about a threesome involving you, the OM, and your H.

 

 

The way CD originally stated the story went this way.

 

CD and CM talked about having threesomes one more then one occasion.

 

During one of the later threesome conversations CD said she wanted to do the 3some with the OM. CD gave a soft yes. OM would be ok. But he put off wanting to have a 3some.

 

CD told the OM about the 3some behind CM's back.

 

OM saw the opportunity. He saw a MW that had the hot's for him. So he did want any dog would do he worked on CD till they had an affair.

 

The point I am not clear on is once the affair started who pushed for the threesome.

 

Was it CD?

 

Was it the OM?

 

Both?

[tinktronik]

The way CD originally stated the story went this way.

 

CD and CM talked about having threesomes one more then one occasion.

 

During one of the later threesome conversations CD said she wanted to do the 3some with the OM. CD gave a soft yes. OM would be ok. But he put off wanting to have a 3some.

 

CD told the OM about the 3some behind CM's back.

 

OM saw the opportunity. He saw a MW that had the hot's for him. So he did want any dog would do he worked on CD till they had an affair.

 

The point I am not clear on is once the affair started who pushed for the threesome.

 

Was it CD?

 

Was it the OM?

 

Both?

I got the impression that it was CD that pushed for the 3some after the affair started.

 

Who initiated the initial talks of a 3some or open relationship though? I think that is an important thing to note.

[AutumnMoon]

There are pretty main things I do with OM that don't with my hushed.. Maybe to raunchy to post here but just one example and why I don't do this one thing with my husband that me and OM do almost every time is really really rough oral.. It's a huge fantasy of both mine and OM's and it would probably be considered extreme by some..

 

It's not a huge fantasy of my husbands but he would definitely like it should I have ever offered it up.. Reasons I don't.. His equipment is larger and much more uncomfortable to accommodate in this fashion and also I don't like the noises he makes while I'm doing it..

 

Something that's a huge turn on with OM is a turn off for me when I try it with my husband so it's off the table.. Crude and rude? Yes and my husband would be very hurt if he knew.

[carhill]

Why won't she do things with me she did with OM?

 

With each relationship and each discrete interaction with fellow humans, the dynamics are completely unique and different. In the case of intimate sexual relations, the attraction is different, the emotional mindset is different, the flow of events is different, etc, etc, and all combine to form a unique dynamic which is rarely or never duplicated.

 

I would hazard a prediction that, even if this couple successfully reconciles, their lovemaking will be different than it was prior to the affair, during the affair and currently, if applicable. New acts and actions may occur and past actions may be abandoned. The process is only clear in retrospect.

 

As all humans have the freedom of will and choice, some will exercise it in a manner consistent with the thread topic, with 'will' with one person and 'won't' with another. It is what it is.

[aliveagain]

Actually, time #3 with H and time #3 with OM were both no-gos. Because its just not my thing. I would be willing to try again with H, but not okay with doing it on-demand indefinitely.

 

As for anything else I did with OM, I am willing (and in some cases, excited) to do with H. As someone said earlier, just because I didn't enjoy something with OM doesn't mean I wouldn't love it with H.

 

Actually, the main intent with this post was to help BSs understand that the answer to the title of this post can be complicated. As Dichotomu himself points out, there are multiple reasons. I know it hurts and it sucks and it causes triggers for the BS, but there are many reasons a WS may not want to do a certain thing with her H that she did with her OM. And most of those have nothing to do with her H.

 

Actually, in my case, H is "equipped" a little differently (better) than OM, which is a lot of fun for regular sex, but makes anal sex a bit more challenging.

 

Sidenote: I did not know H was going to post last night, or I would not have had a thread going at the same time. The cross-talk is weird, because I haven't dived into his thread yet. (Grammar note: haven't dived IS correct, even though it's awkward).

 

I would caution you that unless your husband brings it up, leave it alone. Knowing as an example that you did things while driving with O/M that may have been seen by other drivers could be a major trigger for your husband if you attempt it with him, specially if you did it first with O/M. It may make you excited but he may not see it the same way. Just a question, if you didn't like anal with your husband, why would you allow it with O/M? Was there anything that you left sacred for your husband, or was all of you available for O/M?

[road]

Actually, time #3 with H and time #3 with OM were both no-gos. Because its just not my thing. I would be willing to try again with H, but not okay with doing it on-demand indefinitely.

 

As for anything else I did with OM, I am willing (and in some cases, excited) to do with H. As someone said earlier, just because I didn't enjoy something with OM doesn't mean I wouldn't love it with H.

 

Actually, the main intent with this post was to help BSs understand that the answer to the title of this post can be complicated. As Dichotomu himself points out, there are multiple reasons. I know it hurts and it sucks and it causes triggers for the BS, but there are many reasons a WS may not want to do a certain thing with her H that she did with her OM. And most of those have nothing to do with her H.

 

Actually, in my case, H is "equipped" a little differently (better) than OM, which is a lot of fun for regular sex, but makes anal sex a bit more challenging.

 

Sidenote: I did not know H was going to post last night, or I would not have had a thread going at the same time. The cross-talk is weird, because I haven't dived into his thread yet. (Grammar note: haven't dived IS correct, even though it's awkward).

 

 

You may be better off not reading your BH's thread because of his venting and people bashing you.

 

This post seems to conflict with your earlier post. You first said that there were other things (besides anal) that you did with the OM that you never did with the OM. You had a new relationship with the OM which led to you doing a lot of exploring and doing new things with the OM that you never did with your BH. That there were some of those sex acts that you have now done with your BH and that there were some of those sex acts that you would never do for your BH.

 

So what is off the table for your BH?

 

As a BH I would have a hard time never getting what the OM got. The OM did not hold a gun to your head. What was so wild that you can not do for your BH that you did for the OM?

 

Another question is after your affair started. You and the OM are having lots of fun. There was no need at that point to get your BH to do a threesome with you and the OM.

 

So whose idea yours or the OM to push for a threesome at that point and why?

[Chi townD]

I agree....stay off his thread. Don't even read it. That's his place to vent and bitch. His place to get his own advice.

 

Best to stay away from it.

[compulsivedancer]

I would reiterate this question. I just don't understand the need to seek it outside the relationship, other that that the affair was the exploratory thing CD was after in the first place. What was it that you were seeking CD?

 

This is a very weird feeling, commenting with H in the next thread down. Because now anything I say will look like I'm trying to justify and/or answer his thread (which I still haven't read yet, other than the opening 3 posts).

 

As far as sex exploration goes:

 

Sex wasn't so great pre-A. We were both virgins, H had a lot of hangups. I was Madonna and I wanted to try being the Whore (See Madonna/Whore complex). H wouldn't/couldn't do that with me. OM would.

 

Since the A, sex has been very different with H. He is able to let himself go in a way that he wasn't before. Unfortunately, this is partly a reflection of the difference in the way he sees me now.

 

There were a lot of other factors involved, especially regarding OM, etc. You can read about them in my other threads. Not relevant here.

[compulsivedancer]

Good idea actually.

 

If you already had affair and there was already talk of a relationship being open, why not let him have an affair, except it's not really cheating, because it would be with your blessing?

 

What would be so wrong with it? In your case exclusivity was a myth from the beginning...

 

That's a complicated question. I would be okay with it in some form (after all, I was okay with him having a open marriage, too). He is less into the idea. However, he did make it a condition of our R that he would have the opportunity to experiment, at least to some extent.

 

Actually, Coolit is right on the mark with her threesome analysis. Now that I know the pitfalls, I'm less interested in chancing it. But because of what I've done, he is at least entitled to experiencing sex with someone else.

[compulsivedancer]

Actually, I'm quite surprised to hear how about how you "enjoyed" sex with your OM.

 

The story you told your husband (according to his thread) was that the OM was a lousy lover and he was hung like a light switch. Good story - it appears he fell for it.

 

I've never hidden the fact that I enjoyed it. There WERE some physical differences, but not enough to make it unpleasurable. There's a post floating around here somewhere where I rated sex with OM as a 10. (10 as in, it met all of my needs at the time, not 10 as in best sex ever) (Sidenote, I also rated H as a 10 since DDay. Now that we're communicating a little better, sex is a lot better)

 

Btw, H read everything I've ever written on LS BEFORE he posted his thread.

[Spark1111]

I've never hidden the fact that I enjoyed it. There WERE some physical differences, but not enough to make it unpleasurable. There's a post floating around here somewhere where I rated sex with OM as a 10. (10 as in, it met all of my needs at the time, not 10 as in best sex ever) (Sidenote, I also rated H as a 10 since DDay. Now that we're communicating a little better, sex is a lot better)

 

Btw, H read everything I've ever written on LS BEFORE he posted his thread.

 

I guess the question is WHY you wanted to experiment with OM on something you had already tried and did not like? Why you felt so free to be exploratory with OM and not so much with your H?

 

Your story is common in men and women freeing themselves emotionally and physically in an affair like they would never dare to in a marriage.

 

It's so totally risk-free in that you can be whatever you want to be and whatever he wants you to be.

 

the skill, the true gift, is to bring that same level of confidence into your marriage.....without all the excuses, blame and projections of my spouse would never....fill in the blank.

[lollipopspot]

No one should ever be expected to perform some sexual thing "on demand" or whatever. It's your body, if you're not feeling it or don't want to do it for whatever reason, you get to say no, no matter what has gone on before. The idea that someone would "expect" some specific thing like anal sex when the other partner isn't into it, is kind of a gross mentality to me. If someone gets off on sex that isn't entusiastically and gladly participated in, that's problematic to me.

[compulsivedancer]

Wow..just read your BH's thread. He may not have been a saint either, but the level of deception you implemented and cold remorseless reply of " I am not sorry I had sex with him" gives me a whole new perspective of you. just wow. I ascertain you are remorseful now, I really hope you are because you ought to thank God or whatever you believe for a husband like you have. A much lesser man would be gone.

 

I'm going to answer this because it's the second post about it. Yes, I said that on DDay, and I said it loudly and proudly. I said it because it was true at that moment and because I was still wildly caught up in the A, and I was taking a lot of pride in utter honesty at that moment. Also, OM was in the room with us at that time. Read some threads about crazy stuff WSs say on DDay. It fits.

 

When the affair fog cleared, actually probably a long time before it really cleared, I started to understand what I had done and the impact that it made on H and on everyone else.

 

I went to dinner that night with a friend and she just listened and asked leading questions and really let me pour everything out. During the affair I talked to no one - not a single person, not my diary (for the most part) - about the affair. Talking/writing is how I work things out in my head (thus the beauty of LS for self/group therapy, which is kind of how it's functioned for me).

 

I literally thanked this friend later for saving our marriage. As did H.

 

It clarified so many things that had been utterly lacking in my thought processes, in all those justification loops, selfishness loops, entitlement loops, etc. that had been going on.

 

Long and short of it, on DDay, yes, I said something awful. And I meant it in that moment.

 

That was my starting point 8 1/2 months ago. H and I have done a lot of reflecting. I've done a lot of reflecting. I've made a lot of changes. We've made a lot of changes. Hopefully I'll never be able to truly remember what it felt like to be the person that said that on that day.

 

I love H and I want to be with him. I want him to heal, and I want him to be happy again one day. And in order to do that, a lot of what's important is for me to heal, for me to figure out who I am, for me to NOT be that person any more.

 

Hold it against me if you want. It's just one more thing in the long tally of things I did during my A. Except that it was moments after, depending on how you count those moments. I've never really thought about it, but for me I'd count it as the moment that OM walked out the door on DDay (actually after I said this). I watched him walk out and knew I'd never see him again, even if it took a little longer for that to truly sink in.

[compulsivedancer]

For crissakes please tell me that this doesn't mean that you were thinking about about a threesome involving you, the OM, and your H.

 

Oh that was extremely high on my fantasy list. But neither man liked the idea.

[pteromom]

No one should ever be expected to perform some sexual thing "on demand" or whatever. It's your body, if you're not feeling it or don't want to do it for whatever reason, you get to say no, no matter what has gone on before. The idea that someone would "expect" some specific thing like anal sex when the other partner isn't into it, is kind of a gross mentality to me. If someone gets off on sex that isn't entusiastically and gladly participated in, that's problematic to me.

 

I agree completely with this.

 

It's your body - you say what is done to it.

 

What is important is to make sure your husband knows you are committed to him, that you love him, and that you aren't sitting around thinking about OM and the things you did with him. And this is stuff you need to put a lot of effort into, and reassure him for as long as he needs it.

 

But saying you have to do an act anytime he wants it is kinda rapey. It's almost like he's threatening you with it as punishment rather than because he wants it.

 

Why not go find some new sexual adventures to go on together, rather than thinking about OM and what you did with him? Oh, and those sexual adventures should only include the two of you.

[compulsivedancer]

So are you posting here in order to explain things to others or to figure out some things about yourself? The way you phrased that really makes it sound like you are defining yourself as an expert wandering spouse and not as a novice reformed/reforming spouse. I think there is an important self reflective note that you may be able to walk away with if you consider this question carefully. How is it that you are going to walk away today as defining yourself, and how do those roles vary for you personally?

 

Tink, it's a community - it's give and take.

 

If you've read my posts, you know that I often post threads about myself. Sometimes asking for advice, sometimes looking for answers, sometimes just wanting some hope for that day. Totally context dependent. Other times, I respond to what other people are asking. This particular thread was because I wanted to reply to Dichotomy but didn't want to t/j an unrelated thread. Additionally, H and I JUST had the anal conversation the other day, so it dovetailed nicely.

 

I could ask for advice while offering a little (potential) perspective.