Why won't she do things with me she did with OM?

[William]

Moderation stopping by, noting we apparently have two spouses as members here and posting their perspectives on their marriage, to remind *all* members that our civility and respect guidelines continue to apply, including 'bashing of other members'. Feel free to discuss the topics openly and honestly. If at any point one spouse or another feels they cannot follow our guidelines, then take the discussion off the forums. Your issues are valid. Equally valid are our guidelines and it's our sandbox, so our rules.

 

Please continue the discussion. Thanks for reading.

[GorillaTheater]

Oh that was extremely high on my fantasy list. But neither man liked the idea.

 

I. Am. Flabbergasted.

 

I thought it could be read that way, and was honestly hoping you'd tell me "no, you dumbsh*t, give me a little more credit than that, 'k?"

 

I'm utterly appalled. I hope you understand and appreciate what an unusually forgiving husband you have. You have a date night tonight. Treat him extremely well.

[Journee]

That's a complicated question. I would be okay with it in some form (after all, I was okay with him having a open marriage, too). He is less into the idea. However, he did make it a condition of our R that he would have the opportunity to experiment, at least to some extent.

 

Actually, Coolit is right on the mark with her threesome analysis. Now that I know the pitfalls, I'm less interested in chancing it. But because of what I've done, he is at least entitled to experiencing sex with someone else.

 

 

 

I think a huge hurdle for lots of BS , is that sex sometimes isn't just sex. Emotions can and often times get involved. Would you be comfortable ( I'm not sure that's the right b word) with your H experimenting with sex knowing that it could lead to a connection deeper than just great sex?

 

I think this is what worries my WH. That I , like what your H has mentioned, have one foot out the door. That I could be open to connections that exceed the sex and attention he came to know in his A's.

 

Would either of you be willing to risk that even without intent your H could meet his match physically ,anatomically, sexually ,emotionally etc. when previously you had been that to him?

 

I toy around with the idea of an RA but know it would not be worth it. It seems to be a very dangerous idea that he explore with someone else. Just as your OM was different so would your H's partner. She would smell, taste and sound different. She would feel different and move differently. Different does not mean bad. It could be very good.

 

I think you all are on a great path. Throwing in something like this could possibly derail you all for good.

 

I would hate for you two to lose the new R that you have and replace it once again.

[compulsivedancer]

The way CD originally stated the story went this way.

 

CD and CM talked about having threesomes one more then one occasion.

 

During one of the later threesome conversations CD said she wanted to do the 3some with the OM. CD gave a soft yes. OM would be ok. But he put off wanting to have a 3some.

 

CD told the OM about the 3some behind CM's back.

 

OM saw the opportunity. He saw a MW that had the hot's for him. So he did want any dog would do he worked on CD till they had an affair.

 

The point I am not clear on is once the affair started who pushed for the threesome.

 

Was it CD?

 

Was it the OM?

 

Both?

 

No one pushed for a threesome at all. It only got brought up as a response to Coolit's comments about threesomes. It has been thrown around at various times by various people, but never particularly seriously.

[lollipopspot]

the problem is when a WS allows some interloper to do a particular thing to their body, but not their BS.

 

"Interloper?" It's her body. It never belonged to the AP or the BS.

[Compulsive Musician]

Moderation stopping by, noting we apparently have two spouses as members here and posting their perspectives on their marriage, to remind *all* members that our civility and respect guidelines continue to apply, including 'bashing of other members'. Feel free to discuss the topics openly and honestly. If at any point one spouse or another feels they cannot follow our guidelines, then take the discussion off the forums. Your issues are valid. Equally valid are our guidelines and it's our sandbox, so our rules.

 

Please continue the discussion. Thanks for reading.

 

 

We chuckled because we're sitting right next to each other on the couch, wondering if anyone could possible imagine such a thing. We share everything with each other. Period. The A was the only deviation from that pattern, and it caused ALL kinds of problems. We promise to be good. Besides, we can have it out in person if we ever -really- needed to. I can smell her stinky feet from here.

[compulsivedancer]

I got the impression that it was CD that pushed for the 3some after the affair started.

 

Who initiated the initial talks of a 3some or open relationship though? I think that is an important thing to note.

 

I think at various times both H and I brought up the open relationship thing. I think this particular time H brought it up. But I latched onto it and make it a THING, which it wasn't before.

 

H and I will have to agree to disagree about his account that I brought it up again DURING my A. He surprised me quite a bit when he brought it up; it actually put me and OM in a very strange spot and almost ended the A. In retrospect, he brought it up because he had noticed I was pulling away.

 

Of course, once he brought it up, I DID badger him about it. Part of this was because it was a way out for me. I thought that then we could have sex openly, and it would be a way to never have to tell him about the affair, but not have to lie to him about the present any more.

[compulsivedancer]

There are pretty main things I do with OM that don't with my hushed.. Maybe to raunchy to post here but just one example and why I don't do this one thing with my husband that me and OM do almost every time is really really rough oral.. It's a huge fantasy of both mine and OM's and it would probably be considered extreme by some..

 

It's not a huge fantasy of my husbands but he would definitely like it should I have ever offered it up.. Reasons I don't.. His equipment is larger and much more uncomfortable to accommodate in this fashion and also I don't like the noises he makes while I'm doing it..

 

Something that's a huge turn on with OM is a turn off for me when I try it with my husband so it's off the table.. Crude and rude? Yes and my husband would be very hurt if he knew.

 

This is similar to my anal situation. Just sayin'.

[William]

We chuckled because we're sitting right next to each other on the couch, wondering if anyone could possible imagine such a thing. We share everything with each other. Period. The A was the only deviation from that pattern, and it caused ALL kinds of problems. We promise to be good. Besides, we can have it out in person if we ever -really- needed to. I can smell her stinky feet from here.

 

The same advisory is posted in both currently running threads relating to the spousal relationship and is provided as guidance to forestall incitement to non-conforming behavior by the membership in general as well as the principals. In these very difficult issues, often people 'take sides' and it can become brutal and ugly. Our job as moderators is to prevent that and create a welcoming environment for all points of view. Thanks and carry on.

[compulsivedancer]

And how does that make you feel knowing your husband knows this?

 

Should I keep lying and trickle-truthing him?

[compulsivedancer]

I guess the question is WHY you wanted to experiment with OM on something you had already tried and did not like? Why you felt so free to be exploratory with OM and not so much with your H?

 

Your story is common in men and women freeing themselves emotionally and physically in an affair like they would never dare to in a marriage.

 

It's so totally risk-free in that you can be whatever you want to be and whatever he wants you to be.

 

the skill, the true gift, is to bring that same level of confidence into your marriage.....without all the excuses, blame and projections of my spouse would never....fill in the blank.

 

I wanted to try it again with someone who liked it. Since H didn't but OM did, I thought maybe I would like it more with OM.

[compulsivedancer]

Moderation stopping by, noting we apparently have two spouses as members here and posting their perspectives on their marriage, to remind *all* members that our civility and respect guidelines continue to apply, including 'bashing of other members'. Feel free to discuss the topics openly and honestly. If at any point one spouse or another feels they cannot follow our guidelines, then take the discussion off the forums. Your issues are valid. Equally valid are our guidelines and it's our sandbox, so our rules.

 

Please continue the discussion. Thanks for reading.

 

Thank you, William. I appreciate you allowing us to continue posting. I hope that others will respect this as well so that it can be a learning experience for all, a beneficial conversation, and not be "taken off the air."

 

H and I are looking for a complete R. Everyone on LS has been immensely helpful, and I'd like to be able to continue my time here.

 

So let's all keep following the rules so that we can get the most out of it that we possibly can.

[compulsivedancer]

I think a huge hurdle for lots of BS , is that sex sometimes isn't just sex. Emotions can and often times get involved. Would you be comfortable ( I'm not sure that's the right b word) with your H experimenting with sex knowing that it could lead to a connection deeper than just great sex?

 

I think this is what worries my WH. That I , like what your H has mentioned, have one foot out the door. That I could be open to connections that exceed the sex and attention he came to know in his A's.

 

Would either of you be willing to risk that even without intent your H could meet his match physically ,anatomically, sexually ,emotionally etc. when previously you had been that to him?

 

I toy around with the idea of an RA but know it would not be worth it. It seems to be a very dangerous idea that he explore with someone else. Just as your OM was different so would your H's partner. She would smell, taste and sound different. She would feel different and move differently. Different does not mean bad. It could be very good.

 

I think you all are on a great path. Throwing in something like this could possibly derail you all for good.

 

I would hate for you two to lose the new R that you have and replace it once again.

 

This is exactly what worries me. But I feel a bit hypocritical being too worried about it.

[compulsivedancer]

Okay, I hope I didn't over-reply. Got home and found a LOT of messages, and it felt like they all needed to be answered. Now, I'm going to peruse H's thread and then go enjoy date night. I wish you all well - don't get us banned from LS!!!!!

[road]

That's a complicated question. I would be okay with it in some form (after all, I was okay with him having a open marriage, too). He is less into the idea. However, he did make it a condition of our R that he would have the opportunity to experiment, at least to some extent.

 

Actually, Coolit is right on the mark with her threesome analysis. Now that I know the pitfalls, I'm less interested in chancing it. But because of what I've done, he is at least entitled to experiencing sex with someone else.

 

 

You were wrong to have an affair.

 

Now you want to go "wronger" by letting your BH have a RA.

 

Are you not learning anything here?

[GorillaTheater]

Okay, I hope I didn't over-reply. Got home and found a LOT of messages, and it felt like they all needed to be answered. Now, I'm going to peruse H's thread and then go enjoy date night. I wish you all well - don't get us banned from LS!!!!!

 

Yeah, and that note I apologize for my reaction. I'm glad you and your H are doing well, but it would be best if I stayed off your threads. I hope you two have fun tonight on your night out.

[road]

Okay, I hope I didn't over-reply. Got home and found a LOT of messages, and it felt like they all needed to be answered. Now, I'm going to peruse H's thread and then go enjoy date night. I wish you all well - don't get us banned from LS!!!!!

 

 

It is better that you do not read your BH's thread or him yours. After you are both on the road to recovery then that is another story.

[dichotomy]

It think it's more of an ego thing. He was/is hurt that you willingly did things with the OM that you never did with your husband. Things that maybe he would have enjoyed exploring with you and deciding if that something you both like or don't. But, you did these things with the OM and YOU made the decision that you didn't like it. Now, you won't let your husband experience these new things because YOU decided that you didn't like them with another man that wasn't him. Funny thing about sex, it's different with everyone that you're with. Something that you didn't enjoy with one man may be enjoyable with another. Perhaps your husband would be more gentle where the other man was rough.

 

Let me give you a scenario of if the shoe was on the other foot and how YOU would feel about it.

 

Lets say your husband cheated on you. But, you discovered that he took the OW to the Bahamas. Enjoying the sun and surf, margarita's on the beach. Romantic dinners, rose pedals on the bed, dancing under the stars with soft island music playing in the background, walks along the beach at night with the surf gently crashing in and that the OW has your husband's complete and undivided attention.....sounds nice, relaxing and romantic. But, he doesn't want to do that again or anything similar because....well, he found it quite boring. BUT! He's gonna take you to a football game!

 

So, the OW gets sun, sand, romance and fun from your husband. And you get a tailgate party with beer and hotdogs. How special would that make you feel?

 

 

I have actually used something a little similar to try to get my wife to rethink her side of things.

 

If I may interject something kind of positive/fun here in this thread

 

I must say recently hiring a female marriage and sex therapist to talk to my wife had done more to help her rethink her sexual giving with me, that any "disucssions" (ok aruguments) we have had. There can be a power struggle in marriage - and I selected this therpaist to bypass this. There are times when the therapist takes over my arguments, and others when she acts kind of like a fun GF to my wife encroiuaging her to get her grove back for this awesome guy she married.

 

Did I mention I have a tiny crush on this female therapist? There is some kind of ... threesome vibe to these sessions.. about sitting in a room and having another woman (a very attractive younger one) cheer my wife on to get back to all these neat sexual acts - and how awesome it is she has a guy like me to do them with - advising her how to do me. It has also relived me of constantly pushing her to get back to her old self. Ya I kind of am crushing on this therapist:love:

 

I don't know what well become of this marriage, but I feel I have taken all the steps and more at this point on my side of things. Perhaps thats another relief.

Edited October 10, 2013 by dichotomy

[lollipopspot]

Lets say your husband cheated on you. But, you discovered that he took the OW to the Bahamas. Enjoying the sun and surf, margarita's on the beach. Romantic dinners, rose pedals on the bed, dancing under the stars with soft island music playing in the background, walks along the beach at night with the surf gently crashing in and that the OW has your husband's complete and undivided attention.....sounds nice, relaxing and romantic. But, he doesn't want to do that again or anything similar because....well, he found it quite boring. BUT! He's gonna take you to a football game!

 

So, the OW gets sun, sand, romance and fun from your husband. And you get a tailgate party with beer and hotdogs. How special would that make you feel?

 

Not a great analogy.

 

The husband DID get anal sex (aka trip to the Bahamas).

 

She tried it out with both and didn't really like it with either of them.

 

Regardless, if the WS tries out the Bahamas with BS and finds they don't like it, it shouldn't mean that that WS is now supposed to go to the Bahamas "on demand," on any vacation/occasion that the BS wants, because they did it before with AP. That's the issue. She doesn't want to be expected to do it into eternity on demand.

[dichotomy]

Not a great analogy.

 

The husband DID get anal sex (aka trip to the Bahamas).

 

She tried it out with both and didn't really like it with either of them.

 

Regardless, if the WS tries out the Bahamas with BS and finds they don't like it, it shouldn't mean that that WS is now supposed to go to the Bahamas "on demand," on any vacation/occasion that the BS wants, because they did it before with AP. That's the issue. She doesn't want to be expected to do it into eternity on demand.

 

I understand and kind of agree with this - give a few times but not all the time. I think (without asking wife) that a few "one off sexual acts" we had in the last few years were her part of her giving me at least once what she gave others. I think she got my needs and view on this. I say this because she actually said something along the lines of " this is not something I normally do" at one point" during the act. She did not say never done, just normally or rare for her. I also know it was an act she did not like generally but she got her self up for it. I have not demanded or asked for it since, but did say at the time it was very very hot.

 

A while ago (not on LS) I have a very in depth questioning with a swinger - open marriage kind of thing. He kept pushing that lifestyle to others - saying it was best not to possess your spouses sexuality. But after many questions - he finally confessed he does not let his wife do anal. She can do anything else but not that. Because that's for him, thats whats she gives only to him. I then told him he was not really as open as he thought and that he actually held on to some traditional notions that marriage should have things that others don't get. I suppose this use to be why prostitutes did not kiss, there had to be something - anything that was reserved for real intimacy and love.

 

In order to remain in my marriage it has been crucial to understand the things that she give only to me - that she is her best with me. But it complicated on the concept of best as I mentioned. I think all spouses want to know their marriage and love is special to the other - and acts of giving love are the way to show it - but not just sex.

Edited October 10, 2013 by dichotomy

[atreides]

As far as sex exploration goes:

 

Sex wasn't so great pre-A. We were both virgins, H had a lot of hangups. I was Madonna and I wanted to try being the Whore (See Madonna/Whore complex). H wouldn't/couldn't do that with me. OM would.

 

Since the A, sex has been very different with H. He is able to let himself go in a way that he wasn't before. Unfortunately, this is partly a reflection of the difference in the way he sees me now.

 

 

CD I may have missed it, but did you ask H to treat you like a whore? Maybe you did, but the last paragraph, i can only interpret as before he wanted a princess in bed, and now he sees you as this "whore" and thus sex is better now?

 

If so, only thing that has changed sexually is him in this context. Hmmm, and there is now "hold ups" with certain sex acts? I don't buy the bull sh** about doing certain things that are now off limits.

 

Put it this way, instead of comparing with OM, open his book of fantasies and read every chapter.

[atreides]

Fir the record, I read the H's post and no where does it come off as on demand and be damned with CD. You guys are projecting

[atreides]

I've never hidden the fact that I enjoyed it. There WERE some physical differences, but not enough to make it unpleasurable. There's a post floating around here somewhere where I rated sex with OM as a 10. (10 as in, it met all of my needs at the time, not 10 as in best sex ever) (Sidenote, I also rated H as a 10 since DDay. Now that we're communicating a little better, sex is a lot better)

 

Btw, H read everything I've ever written on LS BEFORE he posted his thread.

 

Sorry no offense but this is just spin to me. However, in bold I have a concern, you are keeping this idea of an open relationship or open fling going with this train of thought, dangerous, focus on just you two.

 

 

 

But because of what I've done, he is at least entitled to experiencing sex with someone else.

[Artie Lang]

Maybe to raunchy to post here but just one example and why I don't do this one thing with my husband that me and OM do almostevery time is really really rough oral.

 

wow! pretty "rough" to hear, given that you kiss your unsuspecting husband and probably peck this supposed "friend" upon meeting her.

 

i feel really sorry for these two poor souls, as you and this d0uchebag continue to have porn star sex and cake-eat.

Edited October 11, 2013 by Artie Lang

[atreides]

I can't answer for CM but I can for my H.

 

He would never believe i didn't enjoy it because well, that was kinda the point.

 

He knows that forbidden/alchohal/a man who never got off makes for good temporary sex situations. I was disatisfied on some level more each tome that xMM never came but the actual act of sex was very much about him pleasing me. He also knows that long term suffering destroys any short term pleasure.

 

Your xMM never had an orgasm? WTH!!?? Coolit, no offense but holy sh** your entire story is one gigantic anomaly that belongs in the Twilight Zone.