I have NO friends

[Outsider77]

There is nothing wrong with me. I just have no friends. Zero. I have no friends from school because I dropped out and moved. I also never finished college. I don't work because I have this crappy arthritis disease that came on suddenly and now I'm like a freaking cripple.

 

I am very smart, but I just don't have anything in common with most people because most people who are intelligent are not in my situation. Very smart people rarely drop out of high school and work ****ty jobs. Trying to make friends with others is difficult because I want to talk about nerdy things and they want to talk about reality tv.

 

I have a lot of trouble talking to people even though I have a lot that I want to say. I feel that most people just think I'm weird or stuck-up because I just sit there and say nothing.

 

I don't like to talk about the weather, or current events, or sports. Most of these things are boring to me. Usually I want to talk about biology or science other things that nobody else cares about.

 

I also generally don't ask people personal questions because I feel that I am intruding on their personal lives. Most people have no problem doing this but I feel that if someone wants to tell me about themselves, they will do it without my asking.

 

I usually just feel very awkward around people. I never know what to say. I have a good sense of humor, I'm talented, fairly attractive, and intelligent. There is no logical reason for me to be so isolated.

 

Any suggestions on how to solve my problem would be appreciated.

[Grumpybutfun]

Outsider77:

Have you tried to join "nerdy" groups or science clubs? Sometimes it really is about finding the people who have the same interests as you. Sometimes you have to start your own. When in the military, I moved a great deal. Though I did have military colleagues and we hung out and drank beer, did the sports thing or played pool, I still wanted something more scholarly. I started a history book club which started out with a flyer on the library bulletin board and met tons of history aficionados doing this.

I am rather introverted (which is why I find this LS forum interesting because you get to see what people really think about things) and my wife could talk to a tree and have it follow her home. I think sometimes you have to do things that are out of your comfort zone to get your needs met.

Good luck,

Grumps

[Outsider77]

I haven't actually done that. I think most nerds would probably not want to be around me either. I've got a lot of issues. Nerds are usually successful, I'm not. I also have a past that alot of people wouldn't understand. I'm also nerdy in sort of an adhd way. I get obsesses about something and lose interest. I know a little about a whole lot of things.

 

I also don't really have nerdy character traits. I think I'm just plain weird.

[coolheadal]

Not the case, you would be surprise how many are out their in your same situation. Still start from within like your doing now reaching out online. Online easier to make friends then outside the computer world. You can reach people all around the world. If you put intent on your quest and most of all it needs to be a positive one too for more energy in your life. Feeling low or sad can drain you make you feel weak an etc. So take a new spin and make new friends online. Online can lead to real time talk also. They have live chats now so you can talk and see who your talking too make more friends they can be all over the world who share what you share.

[Outsider77]

I guess I can try meeting people online. I used to do that as a teenager but it usually resulted in horny old dudes hitting on me.

 

Things are different now, though. I'm trying to get my degree so maybe I'll meet somebody close to my age in a class. I definitely don't want to hang out with college kids, too old for that.

[coolheadal]

I guess I can try meeting people online. I used to do that as a teenager but it usually resulted in horny old dudes hitting on me.

 

Things are different now, though. I'm trying to get my degree so maybe I'll meet somebody close to my age in a class. I definitely don't want to hang out with college kids, too old for that.

 

Good you have intent and focus of what you what and your'll get it in the end. Just be patient. I met a lot because now I am more into mediation really does help and healing myself and others.

 

Take care.

Edited October 11, 2013 by coolheadal

[hatsya]

I can relate with you here. I have no friends either. Well, except my roommate but I don't think I would have chosen him as a friend if he didn't live here. How old are you, by the way? I'm 30. Why can't you hang out with college-age young adults from school? I think anyone can befriend anyone of any age as long as they connect in some way.

 

I understand the point you made about not asking too many questions about someone's life but really I've learned that the key to conversation is that if you can't think of anything to say: ask questions about them. Don't assume they'll feel you're prying - they probably won't care. Just keep asking questions and make comments when you can. That keeps it going. And if you find yourself having to talk about things you aren't interested in - fake it! Maybe this is bad advice.. I'm telling you to be fake.. haha.. but the way I see it is maybe friendships just have to start off like that sometimes: talking about meaningless things, and hopefully the meaningful, interesting conversations will happen later.

 

But then again, you're taking advice from someone in a similar situation. My problem is, I'm not often in situations where there's even a chance to talk to anyone. I can imagine college would be an awesome place to make friends. Or work. I'm self-employed though so I don't have co-workers. Sucks.

 

Have you tried meetup? Not advertising them but you can typically find any type of group there based on any interest and people get together in person to do activities or have conversations about that certain subject. I had some OK experiences on there. Also I agree you should try to make friends online - particularly with people who live close. I made a couple friends that way but they didn't last long.. both because of my own choosing. But that's another conversation altogether. People can be weird.. maybe I'm just too picky about who I like to be around.. I'm not sure.

[d0nnivain]

Try getting involved with civic groups like the Elks, the Moose, the Kiwanis etc. They will give you ways to channel your energy & help the community.

 

Check out MeetUp.com for groups that are interested in what you like.

 

Consider joining a local toastmasters to overcome social anxiety.

 

Go back to school, even if it's 1 class per semester or on line.

[KathyM]

Meetup groups, definitely, would be a good source to find people who share the same interests as you, and who are interested in meeting new people. Meetup.com. Also, I would recommend doing an internet search for interest groups in a topic you are interested in. Join a club involved in something you have an interest in. There are several ways to connect with people. Go to an event involving something that interests you, or even try something that you never had an interest in before, and see if it grows on you. There are many ways to connect with people. Take a class. Start a new hobby or further a current one, and you will meet people connected with that.

[newmoon]

you know, I think it's ok to have no 'friends' as long as you're not anti-social or sitting up in your home night after night with no one to talk to. some of us are just not good at forming and/or keeping up friendships, myself included. I have a lot of acquaintances and people I talk to here and there, but no one i'd open my heart to and start having intimate convos with. and that's ok, for me. is it ok for you to not have friends? if so, then be ok with it. if you really want to meet others then try social groups (like meetups, churches, fitness classes, activities of interest to you where others might be). take the initiative in getting phone numbers and contact info. when you meet someone you get along with. I find that volunteering and meetup groups expand my circle from time to time and require no $ or real investment

[whichwayisup]

I haven't actually done that. I think most nerds would probably not want to be around me either. I've got a lot of issues. Nerds are usually successful, I'm not. I also have a past that alot of people wouldn't understand. I'm also nerdy in sort of an adhd way. I get obsesses about something and lose interest. I know a little about a whole lot of things.

 

I also don't really have nerdy character traits. I think I'm just plain weird.

 

It's good to be weird!

 

Join a group. Really, just do it.

 

If you want to make friends you need to be open to others and be tolerant a bit too.

 

Also, you seem to put yourself down, so maybe work on self esteem and confidence, then you'll feel better about you. Doesn't seem like you "love" yourself very much.

[CC12]

I understand the point you made about not asking too many questions about someone's life but really I've learned that the key to conversation is that if you can't think of anything to say: ask questions about them. Don't assume they'll feel you're prying - they probably won't care. Just keep asking questions and make comments when you can. That keeps it going. And if you find yourself having to talk about things you aren't interested in - fake it! Maybe this is bad advice.. I'm telling you to be fake.. haha..

 

I think this is good advice. Faking it is kind of an essential skill if you want to be a good conversationalist. Most people find talking about the weather boring, but we do it anyway because it's a nice, neutral, inoffensive way to start a conversation, or just to fill time so you're not two people standing there awkwardly silent.

 

I realize it's boring to you, but try to keep up with current events and sports at least enough to have a basic knowledge of these things so when people talk about them, you have something to say. Or you can use that basic knowledge to segue into something you can talk about. Or you can just play dumb and be like, "Duck Dynasty? I've heard of it, but I've never seen it. What's it about?"

 

It almost doesn't matter what you say, as long as you say something that advances the conversation.

 

Conversations = possible friendships.

[Going4it]

 

I realize it's boring to you, but try to keep up with current events and sports at least enough to have a basic knowledge of these things so when people talk about them, you have something to say. Or you can use that basic knowledge to segue into something you can talk about. Or you can just play dumb and be like, "Duck Dynasty? I've heard of it, but I've never seen it. What's it about?"

 

It almost doesn't matter what you say, as long as you say something that advances the conversation.

 

Conversations = possible friendships.

 

This is excellent advice. Also, don't assume someone is not interesting or unintelligent because they mention watching reality television - everyone has some kind of diversion that other people find ridiculous. Small talk is an opening to getting to know people better. Then you can start moving on to other, more interesting topics. My best friend and I met at work in the winter and all we seemed to talk about at first was the nasty weather. After getting to know him, turns out we read the same books and like documentary movies. You'll never know what people are really like until you take the time to talk to them.

[theonlyjuan]

You need to learn how to be a good mixer. You don't have to enjoy sports but knowing a little about certain things can spark a conversation. Who knows what their real interests are? They may enjoy the same things as you, you just need to get to know them a little better.

 

You don't have to be like " I love football! " just ask questions.

 

I met a girl recently that loves horse riding, I can't stand it! I just asked things like " Do you have a horse ?" " What do you enjoy most about it " I even said that I didn't like it myself, but still showed an interest in asking about it. Just have fun with it. I asked her a few silly questions about it which she found funny, now we are friends

[vtran31]

have you tried online? all my friends come from online. there is facebook rp and Omegle: Talk to strangers! where you can chat about specific interests. I met a very interesting italian girl who was quite sexy with her italian but unfortunately did not get her my facebook rp in time (I think my bestie cast a hex on me)

 

I'd recommend sticking with one interest if you use omegle. mine is doctor who

 

and you have at least one friend now

[passerby123]

About 2 years ago I started to isolate myself and got into a bit of rut just like what you're in now. I started teaching voluntarily at my library and got to meet people. Didn't really care to make lasting friendships with any of them but they were friendly, gave me their contact info and it gave me confidence and helped me to broaden my perspective on what I thought was "normal"(normal was very broad indeed).

 

In my opinion, I think you are hard on yourself and *might* be worried about rejection from people. Truth is, you might be a little rusty when it comes to socialising because of your situation right now but once you start getting practise, it'll get easier. Put yourself out there and don't have too high expectations (don't get disappointed). Just keep trying to move forwards and if something isn't working for you, try something else. I find doing an activity with people helps me to connect to them because I can be myself easier, but just being in a room with strangers and having to talk scares the life out of me.

 

I also find small talk to be very painful but there's nothing wrong with that. The more you do, the more you'll learn about yourself and life. Go with the flow, smile, be positive, dust of rejection if it ever happens, follow your interests, join groups and become a familiar face - even if you don't make friends there, your confidence will improve and so will your social skills. It's better to start now then to waste any more time, good luck

[Kansas87]

I have a hard time making friends, too. I mostly like to do "loner" things and I'm shy, so it's very difficult for me to just start talking to people. I'm good at being acquaintances or work friends, but it's hard to bridge that gap.

 

My theory is that friendship, like dating, is a numbers game. If you want to be successful you have to really put yourself out there. The more people you can meet and talk to, the more likely you are to hit it off with someone.

[felicity1]

I have a few friends who I rarely meet, probably once or twice/year. They are old friends from my school days and for some strange reason we have kept in touch. Visiting my family often, keeps me from getting lonely.

 

I also had heaps more friends and an actual social life while at university but all that disappeared when I graduated. I have been struggling with post traumatic stress disorder for most of my life and so cannot work. I know this contributes to my diminished social life. I attend a support group each month which is really helpful.

 

For me, trying to make more friends would be stressful due to my condition so I have to accept my way of life and be gentle with myself.

[Outsider77]

I think my problem is that I'm just too unusual. Don't really like a lot of things that women like, but I'm still feminine. I don't really like to talk about "regular" things that women talk about.

 

I always was able to get along with guys better. I have somewhat of a guy's sense of humor and tend to be very direct when talking to people. I just say what I mean, but sometimes I'm too honest. I'm not really good at being "fake" like other people. I just don't feel right doing it, even though I'm capable of it.

 

When I was a kid I had a lot of friends. But as I grew, things changed and it became obvious that I was different.

 

I'm actually a lot of fun to be around when I'm around the right people. I find other people, especially women, to be too boring and "grown-up". I have not grown up enough, apparently, to get along with women my age. I don't want to spend ages talking about kids and husbands and stupid tv shows that women like to watch.

 

I wouldn't mind being friends with guys but the problem with that is they usually don't want to be just friends.

 

It would just be nice to have other intelligent people who also have some of the same interests as friends.

[felicity1]

[QUOTE=Outsider77;5367914]

 

I'm not really good at being "fake" like other people. I just don't feel right doing it, even though I'm capable of it.

 

I don't want to spend ages talking about kids and husbands and stupid tv shows that women like to watch.

 

/QUOTE]

 

I know what you mean about the "fake" thing. I get really uncomfortable with some people and feel I can't be myself. I am capable of doing it but it's so tiring.

 

Not all women are like how you mention. I've known women who were real tomboys and joked around a lot. Interestingly they all had brothers.

[jimloveslips]

This is an interesting thread.

I'm a loner, always have been, I like my own company, no body to argue with, to piss me off! (Although I do love a good argument).

I'm pretty shy, but when I was at Uni I had a lot of friends, found out to my surprise that I was attractive to women and generally had a fun time.

 

Since then I've lived with several women, each between one year to ten, and I've been married now for 15 years - in that time I've had (and have) no "friends" that are just mine, they've always been friends of my girlfriends/wives… and quite honestly I'm okay with it - I'm just not a social animal. But I do need human contact - I've been a serial monogamist my whole adult life.

 

The fake thing I just can't do - seriously I'd rather people think I was a boring twat (and many do!) than try and talk with someone about inane things, to a person I have no interest in. I don't even talk to beautiful women unless the conversation is interesting - I can't do the small talk even just to have her stick around.

 

As for those that think they are too nerdy, too unusual, (dare I say too special) - you're not, there's always weirder people out there! but you have to make a choice between your own company and those of others. If you are comfortable with being alone (as opposed to lonely) then let people find you, but if you need to be around people you have to find them. There's all ways to do that - LoveShack is a good place to start, get your conversational juices flowing. There are so many clubs/groups both online and in REAL LIFE that you can join - give a few a try - yes it takes nerve to be out i the real world, but the rewards are often worth it.

 

Sorry this is rambling on a bit.

 

Anyway, feeling sorry for yourself gets you nowhere - put that emotional energy into a solution - go out, but without expectations, and see what happens, life may surprise you (in a nice way).

[Teknoe]

Ha, chalk up another loner here. Well, I have acquaintances, I have friends, but these days I don't have a lot of friends I hang out with on a consistent basis. I used to go out a lot, but since working full time, I just enjoy crashing after work and relaxing on the weekends.

 

I know it doesn't bode well for my "getting a girlfriend" chances... I am not anti-social but I don't have a close circle of friends. I feel like most girls want a guy with the complete package: good job, good family, good friends, etc. If I were to have a wedding today, for example, I have no idea who my best man would be! I also don't think the invite list on my end would be too large.

 

Nowadays, it takes me a lot to go out to hang out. If it's just acquaintances I find myself not going. I am very picky. A lot of times I just prefer to stay home and do my own thing. People might say it's a boring life but I enjoy myself at home and like being by myself than being "fake chummy" with people I don't really enjoy being around all that much.

 

I recently realized I'm just not like most of my peers... the ones who are super active, go hiking, go biking, go traveling and all that. I am a homebody who likes his peace and quiet, lol. I've also come to the conclusion recently that I will need a girlfriend who lives a similar lifestyle. I have become more honest and realistic with myself in that regard. My GF can't be a "jet setter" because we simply would not be compatible. I actually like the feeling knowing that on Friday nights after work I have nowhere to be. Some consider that sad or pathetic but I find great peace in knowing once work is over, I'm free to go home, throw on my PJs and just be to myself free to relax.

 

Sorry if I veered off topic here, but sharing from my perspective. Would I still like a genuine small circle of friends? Yes, but I find I'm very picky, and so are people my age. Therefore, it's been hard and I've found peace in my current situation. I would like a stronger social circle, but have no problems right now being to myself.

 

I recently lost a really good female friend, whom I developed a crush on. Since then, I feel like I have no friends when I know in reality I do. It's just, she was the one I enjoyed talking with most. We hung out and did fun activities that I wouldn't have done with most of my acquaintances. I'm very picky about who I spend my time with. And of course, I was trying to win her heart at the time, and I really loved her company. Since she has walked out of my life, it's been pretty quiet, socially, aside from the odd church appearance on Sundays and seeing some old friends here and there.

[Outsider77]

I am somewhat shy, and cautious, so I guess that accounts for some of it. But I can be very outgoing after I warm up to people; I've always been that way. Negative experiences have led me to have social anxiety, but I've gotten over a lot of that.

 

I do enjoy being alone more than a lot of people. I need to have enough time to myself or I get stressed out. Even so, I would like to have a few friends. I'm not completely anti-social.

 

It's been almost half my life now that I haven't had any friends so it's going to be difficult. I don't really know where to meet people that I actually have something in common with. And I have a kid, so I don't exactly have tons of free time on my hands.

 

I agree with the people who said I need to talk to people more and ask questions. I'm going to have force myself to do it because it doesn't come naturally. If someone were to start talking to me about biology or anthropology I would probably never shut up. But that never happens, of course

[AnyaNova]

I am somewhat shy, and cautious, so I guess that accounts for some of it. But I can be very outgoing after I warm up to people; I've always been that way. Negative experiences have led me to have social anxiety, but I've gotten over a lot of that.

 

I do enjoy being alone more than a lot of people. I need to have enough time to myself or I get stressed out. Even so, I would like to have a few friends. I'm not completely anti-social.

 

It's been almost half my life now that I haven't had any friends so it's going to be difficult. I don't really know where to meet people that I actually have something in common with. And I have a kid, so I don't exactly have tons of free time on my hands.

 

I agree with the people who said I need to talk to people more and ask questions. I'm going to have force myself to do it because it doesn't come naturally. If someone were to start talking to me about biology or anthropology I would probably never shut up. But that never happens, of course

 

If someone hasn't suggested you might investigate avoidant personality disorder and see if it sounds like you. Just knowing about it can really help you strategize.

[elbe]

There is nothing wrong with me. I just have no friends. Zero.

 

Yay!! Me Either!! I don't know the solution.

 

Hopefully you aren't an anxious crazy fool like me! I think normal people just talk to strangers and get to know them.