How do I do this?!!

[melissag]

H is talking about a moving date and telling the kids; I am stuck with a bombardment of thoughts - sadness, regret, anger, hurt, you name it. Can't sleep, but need to desperately. How do I move from this initial shock phase to do what is best for my kids and myself? Will it feel better or worse to tell people? The support might be good but I am ashamed and just all around a mess. Ugh ugh ugh, please someone who is farther along, tell me how to get through this and actually live life.

[TrappedWanderer]

Just wanted to say best of luck. I too am in the shock phase...it's hard to come out of. Just try setting your mind to do one thing-be that telling a close friend, contacting a lawyer...just one thing that means you are taking the first steps towards action. I know it's hard but doing SOMEthing, even if it's little or difficult, has made me feel stronger. Still in a swirl of emotions, but every baby step counts. Hopefully someone with more experience/who's further along can chime in.

[LuvsTrucks2]

I'm sorry you have to go through this, but like many of us on LS, we either have been there or are going through the same situation as you. I am relatively newly separated, just over 1 month, and from my experience, husband talked about moving out and flipped flopped over many weeks. Things finally came to head when he decided that he was going to move out because it "felt right" and decided on the date to move out. All you can do is take one day at a time and since there are children involved, you will have to keep their best interests a priority. I hope you can remain on friendly terms because it will make any life changes easier on everyone. Again I'm sorry you are going through this.

[melissag]

Thanks, it's good to know I am not alone, yet it pains me that others have to go through this as well - I wouldn't wish it in my worst enemy.

 

I've gotten about 1.5 hours of sleep, broken up into tiny chunks. Just keep waking up to hot flashes with my heart pounding and a very sick feeling in my stomach. I've got to figure a way to get through this but I just have no idea how. Right now, figuring out the details makes me ill, because I just don't want to do this. I just don't!!

[dumped2013]

The only way I can sleep is with sleeping pills. I take Publix brand but they are a copy of Unisom. You might go see your Doctor and ask him about putting you on antidepressants. I have been taking Lexapro and it helps take the edge off. We are all going through this together. Just post often and read. This forum has been a savior for me.

[Suzanne L]

Hi Melissa,

 

I know it's so hard, but hang in there. I have been where you are. I am familiar with having all of those thoughts, and anger and questions. What helped me most was LIVING those 180s that are posted on that first page of this forum. Make sure you get out, and try to enjoy life with your children. Keep busy. Find something you enjoy doing, that will give you a break. What I did was go for many walks. I would walk to the book store or library and just take my time there. I went out shopping. I went for pedicures. I stayed busy with children's activities. And took up a few hobbies. Anything to get you out and about.

 

It also helps to find one or two people that you trust and can talk to about your situation, such as a relative or close friend. Also, coming on the forum helps! If you are feeling frustrated, post on here. Counseling also helps. I found individual counseling extremely helpful.

 

Good luck and keep posting!

-Suzanne

[melissag]

Thanks, dumped and Suzanne, for your replies. I can try to keep myself busy but am in a funk right now, finding it difficult to enjoy anything at all. I know I need to stop the self defeatist thoughts ("If only I had done X," "I am going to be so lonely," "My kids are going to be shattered," etc.), but I think the only way to do that is to replace them with more positive thoughts. I'm just not sure what those are. I think I need to have a goal maybe? Something to work toward. I just don't know what. Not completely crumbling is the only one I can think of. Please tell me that this pain isn't constant for the first few months - are there at least moments of hope? The only times I have felt better in the past two weeks were when I thought that I was making headway with H; but yesterday he made it 100% clear again that there is no changing his mind.

 

I've never been a sad/depressed/wallowing type person, and I don't know what to do with myself now that apparently, I am.

 

ETA: I was feeling good doing 180s, until yesterday. I guess when it comes down to it, I was really only doing them in hopes that I could get H back . . . moving forward, do I just go through the motions and fake it til I make it?

Edited October 10, 2013 by melissag

[dumped2013]

I am only 3 weeks post divorce. She actually just moved out this past Saturday.

 

What helped me the most was reading this forum. I spent days reading it. The threads

 

that helped me the most were reading someones story from an old thread and then

 

they would return a year later and report how well they are now doing. Makes me feel

 

that there is actually a light at the end of this dismal tunnel.

[melissag]

Thanks, everyone. This board really is a godsend. It helps to hear from others who have been or are in my shoes. Let me tell you, if I act happy and upbeat, it totally would be Oscar worthy. It was hard enough before when I was doing it with some hope that he would change his mind, but now . . . I would have to be some kind of actress. I think the thing that is killing me is the lack of sleep. I feel like I could at least have the energy to fake it if I could just get some rest. I don't like taking meds, though - really hoping to avoid sleeping pills or antidepressants.

 

This is a selfish/childish thing to think, but if I force myself to fake the attitude of "great! you want a divorce? go be happy!" :D:D, aren't I just letting him off the hook when he should really feel at least a tiny bit like an a/s/s/hole? It's hard to think I am doing that for myself, because it is so incredibly difficult. I guess I need to remember that holding onto anger and hurt isn't healthy for me either . . . if I fake all this stuff will I eventually actually not be angry and hurt? Right now that seems like an impossibility.

 

bk, I'd love to know more of your story. Though I can't seem to find a way to look back at people's old posts. Maybe I am just being dense - no sleep will do that to a person. ETA: Never mind, I found it. For some reason that option doesn't pop up on my ipad, but it does on my computer.

[secondfailure]

Hi Melissa, if you want to keep him, this will be a big step in doing that... It will be hard but you can do it...

 

180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it)

 

So here's the list:

 

1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
   
2. No frequent phone calls.
   
3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
   
4. Don't follow her/him around the house.
   
5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
   
6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
   
7. Don't ask for reassurances.
   
8. Don't buy or give gifts.
   
9. Don't schedule dates together.
   
10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
    
11. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
    
12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
    
13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
    
14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
    
15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
    
16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
    
17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
    
18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
    
19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
    
20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
    
21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
    
22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
    
23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
    
24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
    
25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
    
26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
    
27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
    
28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
    
29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
    
30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
    
31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
    
32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
    
33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."
    

[melissag]

Secondfailure, thank you. If I do 180, though, with the hopes of getting my H back (which seems like a 100% lost cause), then am I setting myself up for more hurt when it doesn't work? Or will I have somehow found a better place for myself regardless? I feel like I should be doing it for me, but seems really difficult at the moment.

[secondfailure]

At this point you have to turn your attention to you. Not even your kids.. Your kids are no good if you are no good... The 180s to me are desgned for a few reasons.

 

1. To help you

 

2. To help him

 

3. To begin to move on if that is what is required.

[dumped2013]

Hey Melissa, I hate taking meds too but if I have to choose between sleep and not sleeping I choose the sleeping pills.

[shattered Inside]

Oh God Not Again!!!!

 

I can totally identify with your pain friend and believe every single word of pain of yours from the core of my heart .Its really a killing one shatters you inside out.... Actually the kind of void you feel cannot be explained in words...

You can do nothing and go through day moments like a zombie and than pass on the minutes, hours and go through one mountain seemed day.and believe me it stays the same for very next day too and for many more days.

 

But The choice is yours ..Read 180 which will help you to avoid doing lot of nonsense which i did few years back.The person who feels you not worth it any more. does it make any sense to have any association with such monster except being selfish with him as far as the kids and matters like finances are concerned ..

Yes this pain is really miserable and even takes you the worst mode of self pity and at times and you start finding your own faults and reason for such break-up

I felt great when i started going to gym and it worked like a life saver to me in those days ..

2 .)If you believe in God make sure to pray as soon as you get up and ask for his help..It really works:)

 

3.)you have responsibility to take care of your kids in these times so that this phase leaves no negative impact on their mind as they expect us to be strong and seeing smiling.

Just to let you know that i had gone through such phase in my life and did exactly opposite of 180(i didn't know any of it that time) so when my wife who betrayed me asked me to come back i was in no position to say no"how could i because all those times and months i was waiting for her to come back but will you believe its now 5 years after that and we are still on the verge of separation filled,She again cheated on me and above all an alcoholic but this time its my decision to be apart and i am telling you there is no remorse or sadness this time because now i realized that she is not worth it in fact was never..I drag this relationship merely just because of my emotional bankruptcy and she used me to the best of her ability ...I am done and believe me this time i am literately going to kick her out of my life forever .

 

I from my own experience once a quitter in relationship can never be again relied upon because its in the blood(nature) and you can't change it with change in yourself .So be sure what you decide..

I would suggest you to watch movie "The pursuit of happiness" beautiful story of a single father and his son ...

Be strong and fight to let go.This too shall pass and soon you will wondering that it was nothing at all..

...........................Divorce is not a death.............

 

Will pray for you My friend:)

 

Keep coming back and take care of your self..lot of love to your kids and believe me they need you the most

[melissag]

OK, so the 180 listed on this thread is slightly different than from the book Divorce Remedy. The idea in the book is simply that if something isn't working, do something different. I have basically been doing the things he didn't like differently . . . well, some of them - not the "not enough sex" one, since that would pretty surely be a pursuing behavior. The ones that feel natural to do and that I want to do and would do if we could have worked things out. I guess on the theory that he would see what he was missing out on by calling it quits. (For the record, I have not begged, pursued, followed, written notes, any of that stuff. Just acted the way I want to and not mentioned our marriage or anything.)

 

This weekend he is participating in a fitness competition. It's something that I may or may not have attended in the past (but really should have to support him - long story behind all that). Initially, I was excited about going and bringing the kids to cheer for Dad. Then last night (after the four day weekend where we had a great time on vacation and held each other all night long the last night and he told me he loved me), he reiterated his hard line stance that there will be no reconciliation and no working on this marriage. Now I am not sure what to do. Should I go to the competition and support him (180) or should I tell him sorry, I wanted to go and support my husband but you have made a different choice? Or is there a third option? I don't want to sound like I am whining or being pissy but I also don't want to be a doormat. There is a fine line between showing him what he is missing out on, and letting him go guilt-free. Or I could just go if I feel like it and don't if I don't.

 

Thoughts?

[melissag]

...........................Divorce is not a death.............

 

Will pray for you My friend:)

 

Keep coming back and take care of your self..lot of love to your kids and believe me they need you the most

 

Thanks for the kind words. I am trying to focus on the kids and myself. I just need to remember that when I am in the dark hole, I will come out of it. This business of grieving/accepting/healing is not at all linear, and it's hard to go from feeling semi-OK to complete mess.

 

I have to say, divorce feels like a death, and perhaps even worse. For me, it is like a death in the sense that have no say over it, and it has turned my entire life upside down. It is better for my kids, obviously, that H is not dead, but the harder part for me is that I will have to be reminded almost daily for YEARS to come that it was his CHOICE to leave me. Kinda makes you feel like a piece of crap.

 

I'm sorry for your situation, but it does sound like now you know what you are doing and how to handle things better. I wish you the best in figuring this out and moving on to a happier place.

[Misadventure]

Melissa, everyone who has written here has something so valuable to say.. and it is also so true.

 

I remember the pain immensely.. the hurt, the confusion, the not being able to sleep...not being functional really.

 

You do need to feel it for awhile, and let yourself, and then say "enough". If you don't let yourself feel everything you need to, then you also don't let yourself heal also.

 

What helps at night is having a friend you can call late and talk to before you got bed.. and then have the TV on to something that you know and like, you know how it will start and end. Play the same movie...every night until you go to sleep for awhile. The Island was my movie for that time period. Some nights I still need it but it's rarer nowadays.

 

The 180's is for you. Yes, it also may act for him to see what the boundaries are and that you are working on you... but he has left the ship. Why let him know where you are sailing to next?

 

It hurts to let go. It really does. But I can tell you that it also frees you and lets you start healing and focusing on you. He is not the only man...and honestly, probably not much of one and you need to see all the flaws and relish in them so you can see how many other wonderful men there are in the world who may one day be good enough to be with you.

 

Yes, I said..good enough to be with you. Because you are a woman who is smart, kind, has love in her heart, knows what commitment is, and WILL love herself more than her counterpart to put herself first and take no BS.

 

I am not going to lie... this is going to be a rocky journey. You will cry... but you will also laugh, learn to smile for the future positive things to happen in your life..and you will get past this...slowly...but it does get better.

 

Yes, it hurts. There are days you will ache..but then you need to ask yourself.. is it truly for him? Or is for the life you had? The life you thought you had? The marriage you thought you had and the future that went away? It is so very hard to let go of it. Trust me, I know!

 

But once you start to let go and work on you FOR YOU... you do start to feel better.

 

Yes, you may go two steps forward and one step back...but do the math... it's still forward.

 

MG- on the competition..honestly, don't make it about what he is missing out on.. he was/is married to you and he knows...his head is set on leaving and not looking back. For the fact that he did this, he made the decision for both of you says something about HIM.. not you. If it was me, I wouldn't go to that event, and do something else fun with the kids and friends...something he is not a part of.

Edited October 11, 2013 by Misadventure

[2sunny]

He's sending some mixed signals. That's cruel - given that he said absolutely no R after acting all lovey.

 

NO - I can't see why supporting him in his hobby is useful right now - when he says his plan is to get rid of you like he would his garbage.

 

Stop being so nice to him - he's blown up your life! Act like it! I'd be flaming mad!!!

 

Are you sure he doesn't have a love interest at this fitness competition waiting to see him?

 

Have you checked to see who he's so interested in that he won't consider reconciling with you? Start digging!

 

And when you filed for support money - request he pay big! You want him to understand there's a big price to pay for being that selfish and self centered!

Edited October 11, 2013 by 2sunny

[melissag]

Thanks, guys. I am so grateful I can come here and get some understanding and have a place to vent. I can only go to IC so much and I feel bad dumping on my friends and family. Yes, they are there for me, and I am lucky, but I don't want to be a burden.

 

MisA, thank you for the insight on his competition. I think he wants us to go, but it's true - he has to live with his choices. I sure as hell don't have him for any support right now (in fact it feels like I am constantly being punched in the face by him) so why should I be offering it up?

 

Last night, he kept up with his pushing me to figure out a parenting plan so that we can tell the kids and move out. And I realized something. He blames me for this D!! He has a story in his head that *he* was unsatisfied with the marriage, and *I* did nothing to fix it, and he's done *everything* he can but it just doesn't work. Huh? I guess he doesn't recognize that (a) I had problems in the marriage too, that he did nothing to fix; (b) how does sitting around waiting for me to fix things count as "doing" anything, let alone everything? and © how can he think that it's my fault, or that he's done everything, when I am willing to do whatever it takes to fight for our M, and he's the one who wants out?

 

Then he told me that he was disappointed in our conversation because he hoped there would be more "cooperative spirit." (He didn't like the fact that I objected to him taking the cat (whom I adopted) and the kids' bunk beds, which they use every night . . . and I can guarantee that once they are told about this, they are going to want to sleep in the same room more than ever . . . he said if they want to sleep in the same room, they can still use air beds! I told him he can take the air beds if he thinks that's an acceptable way for them to sleep.) So I guess *I* am uncooperative. He doesn't get it. HE has decided that it is worth it to him to see his kids much less, lose a bunch of money, split up everything we own, etc. That's GREAT for him. But then to expect me to start from the same place he is and have a "cooperative spirit"? Um. I didn't choose this. I don't want to do any of this. So shouldn't he appreciate the fact that I am actually being kind to him, and talking to him about this stuff, and looking out for our kids, and feel happy that I'm not THROWING ALL HIS CRAP ON THE FRONT LAWN AND TELLING HIM TO GET THE F OUT????

 

Argh!

 

Thanks for letting me vent. I actually think that being kind of mad last night helped me sleep. I got 6 hours! Normally that would be an hour short for me, but compared to the 1-2 hours I have been getting, I am pleased. It's pathetic that now the things that please me in life are getting a small amount of sleep, but I guess I don't have a choice.

[littlejaz]

I am so sorry for your pain. It is like a death, not the death of a person but the death of your marriage. And you have to grieve for it before you can move forward. But in the meantime you must protect yourself. You need to talk to an attorney as soon as possible to find out your rights. This idea of cooperation is "I want out and I want you to make it as easy for me as possible. And I don't really care how hard it is for you. It is all about me." As hard as it is, you must see the business side of it and protect yourself and an attorney is the one to guide through it.

 

Good luck and know that it does get better in time.

[melissag]

 

Are you sure he doesn't have a love interest at this fitness competition waiting to see him?

 

Have you checked to see who he's so interested in that he won't consider reconciling with you? Start digging!

 

And when you filed for support money - request he pay big! You want him to understand there's a big price to pay for being that selfish and self centered!

 

I don't think that he has anyone. He has never acted suspicious in any way. When I offer to give him space, whether just to go solo with the kids for a night, or not coming on our 4 day trip last week, he doesn't take it. I do think he probably has his eye on someone, otherwise I think this would be harder for him. There is something about life without me that looks really good to him, obviously.

 

Even if there is someone else, I think I would rather not know. I am pretty emotionally annihilated right now, and knowing something like that would just add another layer of hurt, anger and shame.

 

So far he is claiming he is going to take care of us financially (he better - I quit working to stay at home with the kids). I am pretty sure it helps him to keep the story in his head that he is doing nothing wrong, and is the one taking the high road. It disgusts me to think he believes that crap and can walk around with nothing on his conscience, but I will squelch that and accept his guilt money so I can do the best for my kids.

[Misadventure]

And I realized something. He blames me for this D!! He has a story in his head that *he* was unsatisfied with the marriage, and *I* did nothing to fix it, and he's done *everything* he can but it just doesn't work. Huh? I guess he doesn't recognize that (a) I had problems in the marriage too, that he did nothing to fix; (b) how does sitting around waiting for me to fix things count as "doing" anything, let alone everything? and © how can he think that it's my fault, or that he's done everything, when I am willing to do whatever it takes to fight for our M, and he's the one who wants out?

 

Then he told me that he was disappointed in our conversation because he hoped there would be more "cooperative spirit." .

 

Yep, Melissa.. that's how they are when they leave and they need justification in their head (and what they tell others) to do what they are doing.

 

It shows their inane cowardice, and really what kind of men they really are.. basically men without balls!!

 

You can confront it and say "You can justify and lie to yourself all you want, but we know how it really went down, don't we?" Show your balls and let him know that you have his number and you aren't afraid to show it.

 

"Cooperative spirit"? Pfft poor baby, tough cookies! You are not some wallflower to walk on and you hold the cards. He left, he does not make decisions now.. he is going to have to learn to compromise on your terms. Do a schedule that is best for you and the kids, not for him. It is now his turn to have to fit his schedule around you and compromise.

 

As for things that he does...if he wants the kids to be there, he will take the kids on his own.. its just going to be uncomfortable and hard for you..and honestly, you need to be as NC as possible (unless about kids/house). Let him know by your actions that you are busy...you are doing something else fun with the kids that doesn't involve his sorry a.s.s.

 

I know it's kind of hard at first.. you think "What is he doing? Is he having fun?" And then the what -if's come into play.. it gets better. When you start having your own fun, doing your own thing...you create your own world, your own life, without him and you see the possibilities eventually and that you can be happy again.

[Misadventure]

Sweetie, if he doesn't have "someone", he is looking or keeping his options option.. or does have his eye on someone ad "talking". Don't be surprised if he is on dating sites or chat lines. But you can't worry about it. Just assume he is...because looking and spending that time looking, just hurts you and puts you a step back. But at the same time, maybe seeing it in your face may be the push YOU need to move on and see him for the coward he is, and that he does not deserve your love.

[melissag]

Thanks, MisA. You always have good insight and a pep talk.

 

I am sure I am not the only one who has felt like this - I want to simultaneously tell him to F off and beg him to please stay. Sadly, neither one will do me any good.

 

I just don't know how to act around him. He's not being cold or rude, in fact, he is quite nice, and if I play along, we have fun and laugh together. But then I remember that he has given up on our marriage, and that his exciting new life is what is making him happy, and he just wants to be friends so we can be great co-parents. And that truly hurts. Obviously I don't want to be pouty and pathetic, even though I feel like that quite often. And being rude or angry isn't doing me any good, won't get him to change anything, and will probably hurt my chances of him agreeing to the things I want with respect to custody and child support. So I'm not sure what in left with. ???

 

So he basically has plans all weekend, and I guess assumes I will watch the kids, and now emailed to tell me he is going to happy hour after work. Interesting from someone who claims he wants 50% custody. Ugh.

[2sunny]

Thanks, MisA. You always have good insight and a pep talk.

 

I am sure I am not the only one who has felt like this - I want to simultaneously tell him to F off and beg him to please stay. Sadly, neither one will do me any good.

 

I just don't know how to act around him. He's not being cold or rude, in fact, he is quite nice, and if I play along, we have fun and laugh together. But then I remember that he has given up on our marriage, and that his exciting new life is what is making him happy, and he just wants to be friends so we can be great co-parents. And that truly hurts. Obviously I don't want to be pouty and pathetic, even though I feel like that quite often. And being rude or angry isn't doing me any good, won't get him to change anything, and will probably hurt my chances of him agreeing to the things I want with respect to custody and child support. So I'm not sure what in left with. ???

 

So he basically has plans all weekend, and I guess assumes I will watch the kids, and now emailed to tell me he is going to happy hour after work. Interesting from someone who claims he wants 50% custody. Ugh.

 

Demand he take the kids all weekend - and you plan some time out of the house.

 

Don't tell him any info.

 

Or drop off the kids with a friend and follow him all weekend.

 

You need to open your eyes - and spend some energy on finding out what he's really got going on.