love lost

[dazed]

hi, i new to this, but i am in need of some advice. i just recently was told by my wife of 14 years who i love very much that she had met someone on line and had fallen in love with him. she said she no longer could hide it from me. it was tearing her up inside to keep from me. she insist that she never wanted to hurt me or our family. she says she is in love with him. and wants to be with him in the future. she says she loves me and does not want to keep hurting me but this love she has for the other guy is real and like no other she has felt. she says i have done nothing wrong and i have given her everything. including endless love. we have a 9 year old and do not want to ruin her childhood. i have agreed to live with this for now. i would rather share her love than live without her at all . and most important is not to hurt our child. i have exchanged email with this other man. he lives far away. and is also married. he claims he is in love with very much and will not stop the relationship. i have told her i will sacrafice everything to keep her and to save our child from ruining her childhood. my wife is a wonderfull person. she always thinks of others first. until now. she says something changed in her. and she was missing something. now she thinks he is what fills the hole in her soul. i am having a hard time dealing with this. when i am around her it is great but when i am away i get real depressed. she says she has not been unfauthfull. only on the net. but she does plan on living the rest of her life with this man she has never met in person. she said she would stay for now. but i dont know how long. she said she would not move away or take our child away from me. can anyone help me get a grasp on this? i am going crazy. thanks,,,,dazed

[Rachel]

I think you will need some professional help in many different aspects. There are a lot of regulars on this board, many whom seem to dispense good advice. So hang with us, and see what different people say, from time to time.

 

Tony, this ones for you. What do you think?

 

Laurynn, Stargazer(whereever you are these days), Paulie, Ace, B., Nic, etc.

 

I think you need a real strategy to deal with this.

 

I am truly sorry there is going to be a rocky road ahead for you. First you need to outline a support group and people you can trust around you.

 

Then you need a clear plan.

 

Understand that you may lose, if you are not careful.

 

Understand that these types of online relationships are definitely not "real".

 

Your best bet is if your wife realizes this one way or the other.

 

Also, the man may be dangerous. You may want to hire a private investigator to research him.

 

Good luck

[Tony T]

I think your wife is out of her ever lovin' mind. It is totally impossible to fall in love with someone online or on the phone. You can convince yourself of these feelings but you own them and they have no basis in reality.

 

The fact that she thinks she is in love with someone online says a lot. First, there is some newness or spice that she longs for in a relationship. After 14 years, it's pretty hard to get that in a marriage unless both of you communicate well and work at it. Second, it's pretty underhanded and lacks loyalty to sit in your home on the computer and use it to fall in love with a man...even one who is far away.

 

Third, she needs to undergo a battery of tests for sanity after making statements like she's wants to live the rest of her life with a man she hasn't even met. I mean this is the stuff of industrial strength fruitcake. It also is an indication of just how starved she is for something she's not getting in her marriage. Have the two of you talked about this? Has she ever told you she was displeased and what she needs out of this marriage?

 

This is not usual but it happens more frequently in the age of the Internet. There's a good chance that when these two meet it won't be the kind of romance she's got in her head. However, the problem now is the cat is out of the bag...she is looking outside the marriage for stimulation and rejuvenation. At this time, she has pretty well locked you out of contention. When her other deal fails, you will have a lot of work to do...if you really want to keep this woman in your life.

 

Now she says she will not move away...yet she will spend the rest of her life with this online dude. Is she planning on moving him into the house with you???

 

I know you are depressed about this...but it won't be long before you are very angry. You have been had...under your own roof...using the electricity you pay for...and the computer you helped pay for. She has used your common property to be an instrument of destruction of the marriage.

 

When you get really angry, you will be halfway there. She may even be waiting for you to put your foot down. I would tell her she cannot use the computer in your home to be unfaithful to you. She can go to a friend's house. Be firm in letting her know you'll not support any of her adulterous activities and if she calls him or they talk, she can go use a pay phone or that of a friend.

 

If you have in mind patching this thing up in the future, you have some real serious work to do. And every time she's on the computer, you will wonder who she is talking to. If you don't get seriously firm with her, she will have no respect for you. I'm not talking about yelling or screaming...just letting her know you aren't going to allow anything in your common home to be used for her extramarital goings-on.

 

You ought to see a competent counsellor to sort this out...if you feel a need to. I think it would be a good idea.

 

Your last question was...are you going crazy? No, you aren't but I think your wife is already there, parked and paying property taxes.

[dazed]

thank you for you advice it does help. my wife beleives that in her heart this is real love. i have talked with her about what you had said already. she insist in her heart it is right. she feels this so strongly that she is putting herself up for a lot of hurting. both our families. we are very tight with both our families. she has told me she knows they all will hate her. but this love is "real" like no other. so by doing this she will be throwing a lot so the side. i love her with all my heart and do not want to see her get hurt or our famiy get ripped apart. i need her. thanks, and still in a daze...dazed.

I think you will need some professional help in many different aspects. There are a lot of regulars on this board, many whom seem to dispense good advice. So hang with us, and see what different people say, from time to time. Tony, this ones for you. What do you think?

 

Laurynn, Stargazer(whereever you are these days), Paulie, Ace, B., Nic, etc. I think you need a real strategy to deal with this. I am truly sorry there is going to be a rocky road ahead for you. First you need to outline a support group and people you can trust around you. Then you need a clear plan. Understand that you may lose, if you are not careful. Understand that these types of online relationships are definitely not "real". Your best bet is if your wife realizes this one way or the other. Also, the man may be dangerous. You may want to hire a private investigator to research him.

 

Good luck

[Bobby Dygytul]

I think your wife is out of her ever lovin' mind. It is totally impossible to fall in love with someone online or on the phone. You can convince yourself of these feelings but you own them and they have no basis in reality. The fact that she thinks she is in love with someone online says a lot. First, there is some newness or spice that she longs for in a relationship. After 14 years, it's pretty hard to get that in a marriage unless both of you communicate well and work at it. Second, it's pretty underhanded and lacks loyalty to sit in your home on the computer and use it to fall in love with a man...even one who is far away. Third, she needs to undergo a battery of tests for sanity after making statements like she's wants to live the rest of her life with a man she hasn't even met. I mean this is the stuff of industrial strength fruitcake. It also is an indication of just how starved she is for something she's not getting in her marriage. Have the two of you talked about this? Has she ever told you she was displeased and what she needs out of this marriage? This is not usual but it happens more frequently in the age of the Internet. There's a good chance that when these two meet it won't be the kind of romance she's got in her head. However, the problem now is the cat is out of the bag...she is looking outside the marriage for stimulation and rejuvenation. At this time, she has pretty well locked you out of contention. When her other deal fails, you will have a lot of work to do...if you really want to keep this woman in your life.

 

Now she says she will not move away...yet she will spend the rest of her life with this online dude. Is she planning on moving him into the house with you??? I know you are depressed about this...but it won't be long before you are very angry. You have been had...under your own roof...using the electricity you pay for...and the computer you helped pay for. She has used your common property to be an instrument of destruction of the marriage.

 

When you get really angry, you will be halfway there. She may even be waiting for you to put your foot down. I would tell her she cannot use the computer in your home to be unfaithful to you. She can go to a friend's house. Be firm in letting her know you'll not support any of her adulterous activities and if she calls him or they talk, she can go use a pay phone or that of a friend. If you have in mind patching this thing up in the future, you have some real serious work to do. And every time she's on the computer, you will wonder who she is talking to. If you don't get seriously firm with her, she will have no respect for you. I'm not talking about yelling or screaming...just letting her know you aren't going to allow anything in your common home to be used for her extramarital goings-on. You ought to see a competent counsellor to sort this out...if you feel a need to. I think it would be a good idea. Your last question was...are you going crazy? No, you aren't but I think your wife is already there, parked and paying property taxes.

[dazed]

hi,thank you for your reply. i wanted add that she never gets on computer while i am at home. we have talked about all this. i asked her to stay to save our duaghter from harm. she seems to plan on staying as long as it takes to keep our 9 year old from being hurt to bad. we have talked and i have asked what i had done wrong she still insist...nothing. i sugested counselling but she did not want to. i am in love with her so much. i will do anything. and always have. thanks in advance to all...dazed

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "i wanted add that she never gets on computer while i am at home."

 

It is tragic that your child has a mother who "falls in love" with men online when dad is off working hard to support the family.

 

I really hate to say this but from what you have written about her stubborness, it seems you may be a lot better of without her. But right now you are dazed and hurt...and it may be that way for a while.

 

It's only later on that you will understand you are better off. Be sure to eat well and do special things for yourself during this time.