I've recently discovered my wife's been flirting with 2 guys

[Sadman2011]

I've recently discovered my wife's been flirting with 2 guys. 1 is an old friend, the other is an ex who's in prison of all things. She's been riding me about going to counseling for a month so I finally put 2 and 2 together and checked her call/message history on our cell phone website. At first she said she was just talking to them, but no funny business. After further inspection I saw a lot of picture messages. After me constantly badgering her she admitted she had flirtatious conversations with the guy and met him for supper once and he kissed her but she just gave him a little peck and said she had to go.

 

Then after more badgering she confessed to flirtatious conversations with the ex who's been in prison the last 15 years. In case you're wondering, the guy in prison obviously isn't allowed to have a phone but his wife smuggled him a cell phone and he uses it after bedtime. I know, it's crazy!!! I intend on getting a lawyer to get a court order so I can get the content of her text messages with them, but I have to save a grand first. She's trying to convince me not to do it although she vehemently insists that it was just very minor flirts. 10 months ago I took a good paying job as we were really struggling to make ends meet.

 

It's the evening shift. Anywhere between 4pm and 5am. It's been very hard on us although the $ has been nice. She begged me to take the job since we were having such a difficult time financially. Eventually she asked me to get a different job because she was lonely, but then I got awarded a shift change to days but it wouldn't be for 4 more months. I figured everything was good. Just tough it out for 4 more months, then I'd be back home. It was after we found out I'd be moving to days that she started flirting with these guys. I don't understand why she would do it, knowing she just had to tough it out a few more months. She's not a bad person but she's very needy, impulsive, and emotionally driven.

 

She has a history of making very irrational decisions because she just doesn't think things through. She's very immature in a lot of ways. She had a bad and very poor, white trashy upbringing. Mine was lower middle class. She has self esteem issues as well. Not trying to sound arrogant but I'm a little better looking than her. People have told me I could do better. She doesn't maintain her appearance very well since we got married, but she did while this was all going on. When I get the transcripts of her texts to those guys, I'll have a better idea of exactly what went on. Until then, I'm having an unbelievably hard time dealing with this. Half of me wants to work it out and the other half wants to dump her and move on.

 

I took on 3 step children with her and we've had one of our own. She said I could have a free cheat, but I've read on these forums that it's not a good idea. I can tell she really doesn't want me to but I was contemplating divorce so she said I could have one. I just do not trust her anymore. The last 2 months I've caught her in so many lies. In her defense, she is very remorseful and has deleted her Facebook account and making every effort to show me she's sorry and won't do it again. Whenever I get the transcripts of her messages I think that will make or break us, depending on what was said in them. I'm just very hurt and confused.

 

Nothing in my life has torn me up this much. If I leave her, I sincerely don't believe she could do as good as me and would regret it forever. It's just that I love her and I'm 35, so it's a super hard decision to try starting over at this age. I am very very prideful though and I feel like an idiot for staying with her. I guess I'll just have to wait for the transcripts of the texts before I know what I'm gonna do, but that's probably gonna take a few months.

 

I have to save the$ for a lawyer and then it will take god knows how long to actually get them. Sorry it was such a long post. Feedback would be appreciated. Thanks!

Edited October 10, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PegNosePete]

Why do you need a freaking lawyer to get transcripts of the text messages?

 

Can't your wife request them from the cellphone company, even if they charge for this, it would surely be less than a lawyer?

[James-London]

love how the wife is offering her husband a "free cheat". If she really loved him there is no way she would make that offer. That is so ridiculous.... Sounds like something from Jerry Springer.

[Sadman2011]

It's impossible to get the transcripts without a lawyer. The phones are in my name. You have to have a court order to get the transcripts of the text conversations. The big red flag is that I had to find all this out on my own. Every time I suspected more, she admitted more and swore that she had told me everything; but I still found out more and she admitted more and so on. I'm really worried that it was worse then she's telling me and she's telling me as little as possible because she doesn't want me to divorce her. Could be that I blow up every time I find out more, so she wants to avoid that by telling me as little as possible. I just wish she realized that honesty is the best policy. Every time I find out there's more she hasn't told me it makes matters worse.

[harrybrown]

If you give her the divorce papers, sometimes she will wake up, sometimes she will not.

 

But if she will not, you would be better off without her around.

 

Tell her that her cheating may have been a while ago, but every time you find something new, it is as if it just happened.

[Darren Steez]

How do you know she won't find anyone as good as you? She's already found two potentials to replace you, bet if she really put her back into it, she could pull it off easily!

 

Look pal, you kind of placed yourself on a pedestal with that comment, but it says alot about you and why your rational for staying has nothing to do with her and is all about you.

 

You are not her savior.

She doesn't think twice about "flirting" with two men, even going as far as to smuggle a phone *not buying that, but I'll play along"

You listed a litany of reasons to excuse her behavior, including one about starting over at 35 *?* What is 35 the new 90?

You said she has a history of making poor choices..and one of them is definitely not you is it? Except maybe not, because she knows what she can do and get away with it.

Are the three step kids by the same father or different ones?

[Sadman2011]

Polygraphs aren't fool proof, the content of her messages are. The jailbird is married and HIS wife smuggled him in a phone. I have ransacked her calls and message history and those are the only 2 guys she talked to. Impossible to cheat with the jailbird and I really don't think she had sex with the other guy. I talked to him and their stories jive. Also she sent him a text right in front of me saying, (he knows everything. Please call him.) He replied, ( I don't know what you're talking about.) She then texted,(He knows everything but he thinks more happened. Please talk to him. He's the only man I've ever loved and my marriage is on the line.) I really doubt she had sex with anybody. Just the fact she was flirting is hard to get over. I'm afraid if I stay with her it's sending a message that this behavior is ok.

[AnnaAnna]

How do you know she won't find anyone as good as you? She's already found two potentials to replace you, bet if she really put her back into it, she could pull it off easily!

 

Look pal, you kind of placed yourself on a pedestal with that comment, but it says alot about you and why your rational for staying has nothing to do with her and is all about you.

 

You are not her savior.

She doesn't think twice about "flirting" with two men, even going as far as to smuggle a phone *not buying that, but I'll play along"

You listed a litany of reasons to excuse her behavior, including one about starting over at 35 *?* What is 35 the new 90?

You said she has a history of making poor choices..and one of them is definitely not you is it? Except maybe not, because she knows what she can do and get away with it.

Are the three step kids by the same father or different ones?

Don't forget he's also better looking and can do much better!

[crederer]

She couldn't wait four months for you to switch shifts? She sounds like a juice pig and I can't think of many things more insulting than a wife cheating on you with a guy in prison cause she's lonely when you're at work.....

 

I don't know you. I am sure you probably could do much better, but for sure can't do much worse.

[aliveagain]

Expose her ex in prison, his spouse deserves to know the truth, same with O/M #2. Tell your wife she has one chance to give you all the truth, have her write out a time line of events with both O/M, when, where, how long, how it started, what was said, any nude pictures sent. Explain that she will be given a polygraph to confirm the information and if any new information comes out you will file for divorce immediately. Sometimes just the threat is enough to get you the truth even if it means putting her in the car and driving downtown to a polygraph administrator's office but before you go into the office ask her one more time if she has anything else she wants to tell you. Happens all the time, saves you money that can be used on a lawyer or a psychologist.

 

Could be she is experiencing something that may be a result of a medical condition, have her tested for depression and polar disorder. She may need to be put on an antidepressant or a combination of medication and psychotherapy.

 

None of this is your fault, she is broken, her affairs have nothing to do with you it's all about her.

[LuvsTrucks2]

Be careful with the court order for the text records, depending on the statute of limitations, they may not be available and do you really want to know what was being communicated? It's one thing to have an idea of what was being communicated, but actually seeing the words, that can rock you to your core.

[JamesM]

She doesn't maintain her appearance very well since we got married, but she did while this was all going on. When I get the transcripts of her texts to those guys, I'll have a better idea of exactly what went on. Until then, I'm having an unbelievably hard time dealing with this. Half of me wants to work it out and the other half wants to dump her and move on.

 

I can't tell you what to do and I can't say that you have or have not received the whole truth. IMO you have not. If she was dressing better, then it could not be all texting methinks.

 

Nothing in my life has torn me up this much. If I leave her, I sincerely don't believe she could do as good as me and would regret it forever. It's just that I love her and I'm 35, so it's a super hard decision to try starting over at this age.

 

Get off that she will or won't do better than you. That is not your concern. And what it says to me is that you think you are better than her, and then this attitude shows through either to her or the feelings you have for her.

 

I just don't know that you love her truly. When I think of my wife leaving and finding someone else, then honestly, I think she can do better than me, but I don't think I can do better than her.

 

As for your age, I am more than ten years older, and I would have no problems starting over. You are not old by any means even though 40 sounds like the end of a lifetime. (It is not BTW. ).

 

Gather the info and make a decision. Do not worry about her. She has shown that she will find someone. Don't worry about you. You will find someone.