Can it work? (Part 2)

[Jordan]

Well, I'm back.

 

What a week.

 

Sheesh.

 

Maybe I should give Jerry Springer a call, eh Tony?

 

;-)

 

No, seriously.

 

I've realized a few things:

 

1.) This will not work.

 

(don't snicker at me tony)

 

Why?

 

Simply put, it can't.

 

Not in this situation with these people, anyways.

 

There can be no real honesty in a relationship like this, because there are always hidden things going on, as I found out yesterday.

 

Someone gets hurt.

 

Not to mention, when I ask myself "Do I really WANT to share her..?" the answer is obviously no.

 

2.) I need to back off

 

This one is a no-brainer. I should have listened to that voice a while ago, and I even knew it was right. This whole thing of "well, we'll share you" just made things worse. Chrissie is even more confused now than she was.

 

She feels for both of us, but doesn't want to hurt us either. And she's told me that she loves me the most, simply because I'm the father of her child, and that she wants to have a family together later on, etc. I've learned not to swallow that one whole, but I think she's sincere anyways.

 

If I can show her that I'm strong enough to step back and let go of the situation, I think I have a good chance.

 

3.) I need to be loved.

 

Yeah, that's pretty crucial to anyone.

 

I don't really know what it's like to have someone Who loves you as much as I love Chrissie. I'd like to find something like that, just to know what it's like. I think she and I could have that, but not right now. I need to find out what it's like, so that I know what it is when it comes.

 

I know I love her with all my heart, but I'm not so sure it goes both ways.

 

We'll see.

 

4.) Live my own life

 

All that advice that you want to ignore?

 

Listen to it.

 

Living your own life is the most important part of any Successful relationship, simply because you get sick of each other after a while, no matter how much you love someone.

 

Retaining an identity within a relationship is essential to the growth of the individual as well as the couple.

 

You know the saying "I feel like you're my other half.."

 

The best relationships bring two wholes to the table, not two halves. ;-)

 

So, I'm gonna get my own place and start rollin'.

 

Here is a letter I wrote to Chrissie. Feedback is welcome..

 

____________________________________________________________

 

I've been realizing who I am.

 

My name is Jordan, and I am 20 years old.

 

I have a daughter who is just over 2 years old, and she's the most precious thing in the world.

 

I am a man.

 

I am a lover.

 

Even though I know that I love you, I've had this feeling of distance from you for the last while.

 

Just that you've been seeing other guys, talking to them about your life, and your problems.

 

I want that to be me.

 

But I had a chance, and it didn't work out.

 

Someday I will forgive myself.

 

The only thing I need right now is someone to care about me for myself. I don't really know

 

what that feels like, and I would like to.

 

I'm sure there is someone out there who can love me like that, and I would like to find them.

 

I don't know if that is you, but I hope so.

 

At the same time, I cannot hope for that, because it pulls me closer to you.

 

You arise my male instincts to protect and provide, which sometimes causes me to smother

 

you and make you feel like you aren't even living your own life.

 

It is so easy to manipulate you that I find myself doing it.

 

That makes me no better than Molly or anyone else.

 

I know I can find the strength within myself to be your man.

 

I feel like a fledgling bird just getting it's feathers, flapping them to feel the air whistle by.

 

I feel like I'm almost ready to try to fly, like the wind is picking me up..

 

That bird is my true self.

 

You know that feeling?

 

Like you can almost just… fly?

 

We will fly together.

 

When we are ready.

 

I have many strengths.

 

I am wise beyond my years.

 

I am patient.

 

I am passionate.

 

I am sensual.

 

I am perceptive.

 

I am sensitive.

 

I am smart.

 

I am strong.

 

I am fast.

 

I learn.

 

I have many weaknesses.

 

I am too serious.

 

I need to laugh more.

 

I need to smile more.

 

I have trouble accepting things I do not understand.

 

I have trouble watching you flirt with other men.

 

I have trouble just letting things be the way they will.

 

I have trouble sleeping without you.

 

I have trouble being responsible sometimes, because I don't want to be.

 

I have trouble motivating myself to do things.

 

I need to love myself.

 

I need to respect myself more.

 

Most of all, I need to let you be you.

 

I haven't done that for a long time, and I don't think anyone else has either.

 

Be yourself, Chrissie.

 

That's who I love.

 

Your smiling face reminds me of a spring day, when you can feel the warm breeze bring the

 

smell of rain and fresh flowers.

 

Your eyes are the stars - I could stare forever and never have another thought.

 

Your skin is smooth and bright as the moon reflecting in a calm lake.

 

Your hair is softer than silk.

 

You must always remember what I told you; When I look at you, I see two beauties.

 

One, you are a very attractive, very feminine woman. You make me drool.

 

The other beauty is your spirit - Your inner self. That is what I see every time I look into your

 

eyes. That beauty is something I have never seen in anyone else. I can see into your soul, and

 

I see the pain you are in. I also see who you will be, and I know that you will heal.

 

You are a healer.

 

You are a mother.

 

You are a woman.

 

You are You.

 

The last thing I would like to say is that I wrote this letter to try to express just how much I love

 

you.

 

I never will understand all of the things you're going through, but I have opened my eyes and I

 

see that I should be doing my own thing, instead of just hanging around you, trying to force

 

you into some kind of decision.

 

That is selfish of me, and in no way reflects the love I have for you.

 

Remember: I am there for you. If you just need to talk, want some company, or need help. I

 

am there. I know you better than anyone else.

 

And I still make horrible mistakes!

 

Regardless of how things turn out, I wish you the very best in life. You deserve that much.

 

I am changing.

 

I will show you.

 

Love

 

Jordan

 

___________________________________________________________

 

Well folks, what do you think?

 

The point of the letter is basically to say "I love you, and I understand you need to figure things

 

out. I'll be there when you do, if you want me to."

 

I feel better!

 

thanks guys

 

jordan

[Laurynn]

Hi Jordan

 

I went down and read your original post, then read this one again. Here are my thoughts, for what they're worth.

 

I think you're being far too understanding and accepting of Chrissie's behavior and manipulation. She sounds extremely confused and unfaithful. First she slept with a great friend of yours.....then she had the chance to live with you both and be 'shared' (what the hell is that?)...and then if that wasn't good enough, she brings some other guy into the picture.

 

First of all, I feel extremely sorry for the child you both have. This 2 year old doesn't sound like he has a very stable life. Mom has 3 men on the go, and it seems, a very unstable home situation. Children need consistency and stability....not different men coming and going each week. That's *extremely* confusing to a young child. Little kids get attached to people.....and then these people leave and the kid doesn't understand.....and they'll no doubt end up being confused and perhaps develop a sense of abandonment. I think Chrissie needs to learn to be a better Mother..and get her ##### together. Her child should be her #1 priority, not all these men or HERself.

 

Secondly.....I think you're letter to her is far toooo nice. She cheated on you and it doesn't seem like she's going to stop having her fun. Can you honestly be so quick to say you can accept this? I'm not saying you should be a dick to her......but in the best interests of your child, you should be letting her know that as the father, you think she needs to get her ##### together. Yes, 20 is young.....but it's too late to worry about age. Your child is 2 years old and shouldn't be expected to *wait* til Mommy gets a grip. Children learn the most up until the age of 5. They are most impressionable during these first 5 years. The environment they live in now will undoubtedly affect them for years to come. It will affect their self esteem, personality, how they view relationships later in life, etc.

 

I think your main priority here should be your child.

 

Your second priority should be standing up for your beliefs and needs. The fact that you were willing to share your g/f with this Mike guy.....don't you think that's a little bent?? (I mean no offense) You DESERVE someone who will be true to you and ONLY you.....you should not have to make crazy compromises to keep them in your life.

 

I know she's the mother of your child but that doesn't give her permission to manipulate you and betray you. I think you need to forget about sending her that letter.......and I think you need to distance yourself from this situation for a while (not from your child though)......learn what your 'boundaries' are.....and adopt the attitude that you will NOT settle for less. Go live on your own or find some other roommates (living with Mike is going to be hard, the guy slept with your girlfriend, you'll never forget this)....

 

Just my thoughts.

 

Laurynn

[Jordan]

First of all, I feel extremely sorry for

the child you both have. This 2 year old doesn't sound like he has a very stable life. Mom has 3 men on the go, and it seems, a very unstable home situation. Children need consistency and stability....not different men coming and going each week. That's *extremely* confusing to a young child.

I know.

 

That is the baseline concern for me at the moment.

 

My only problem is just how little I can affect the situation.

 

All I can do is be there when I'm wanted.

Secondly.....I think you're letter to her is far toooo nice. She cheated on you and it doesn't seem like she's going to stop having her fun. Can you honestly be so quick to say you can accept this? I'm not saying you should be a dick to her......but in the best interests of your child, you should be letting her know that as the father, you think she needs to get her ##### together.

She knows she does.

 

Remember when you were younger? (in my case, anyways)

 

My parents would always say "do these chores, do the dishes, etc"

 

I always knew that I had to do them, but I hardly ever wanted to, because it wasn't what I really wanted to do.

 

So, sometimes I'd do them, and other times I'd get in trouble for not doing them.

 

I think Chrissie knows she has to get it together, but she doesn't know how.

 

What I'm trying to say is that we come to a point in our lives where we just start caring about that kind of responsibility, and look after it as opposed to ignoring or pretending it's not there.

 

Now, obviously the sooner this happens the better, but it is something she has to come to on her own.

I think your main priority here should be your child.

Yes.

Your second priority should be standing up for your beliefs and needs. The fact that you were willing to share your g/f with this Mike guy.....don't you think that's a little bent?? (I mean no offense)

None taken.

 

I guess it was a spur of the moment kind of thing, which ended up causing more harm than good.

 

I wish I had realized that a week ago.

 

It is a bent idea, and one that I will probably never entertain again.

You DESERVE someone who will be true to you and ONLY you.....you should not have to make crazy compromises to keep them in your life.

That is something I've been realizing.

 

It's part of my letter, as well.

 

I'm headin' to the bar tonight too.. ;-)

I know she's the mother of your child but that doesn't give her permission to manipulate you and betray you. I think you need to forget about sending her that letter.......and I think you need to distance yourself from this situation for a while (not from your child though)......learn what your 'boundaries' are.....and adopt the attitude that you will NOT settle for less. Go live on your own or find some other roommates

That's the plan.

 

I met some cool people in this last week.

 

You know when you meet someone and go, "holy #####, this guy's gonna be a good friend."

 

I've only met a couple of people like that before.

 

That's one good thing that's happened recently, anyways.

 

Part of the entire problem is that I don't really know myself yet.

 

I've learned tremendous amounts lately, but I've still got a long way to go.

Just my thoughts. Laurynn

Thank you Laurynn.

 

Jordan

[Dragonflys]

Hey Jordan

 

You could have written most of that to my ex, we didn't last nearly as long, nor did she cheat on me or anything like that, but she was just as confused as Chrissy.

 

When people are confused like this, throwing love at them only drives them away. She is young, and she loves you, but she wants to explore right now, and unfortunately at this stage of her life, that feeling of curiosity is far stronger than the feelings of real love. Messes her up.

 

I disagree respectfully with Lauren on one point. I don't think you should be any more aggressive in the letter, doing that will achieve nothing. She has to see you for the wonderful man you are, so retreat with the highest of dignity. She won't feel anythig now, but if in the future if she grows up, she will remember that you walked out not needing to accost her. That will stick.

 

From now on, see your daughter, but absolutely limit all contact with her to the barest minimum. Give her no emotional energy. Show her you are a man getting on with your life and you do not need her. When she messes about with other men, she will remember you every time they do not satisfy her emotionally, because you have left her high and dry. She does not deserve you now.

 

I wish you the very best.

 

Oliver

 

Well, I'm back. What a week. Sheesh. Maybe I should give Jerry Springer a call, eh Tony? ;-) No, seriously. I've realized a few things: 1.) This will not work. (don't snicker at me tony) Why? Simply put, it can't. Not in this situation with these people, anyways. There can be no real honesty in a relationship like this, because there are always hidden things going on, as I found out yesterday. Someone gets hurt. Not to mention, when I ask myself "Do I really WANT to share her..?" the answer is obviously no. 2.) I need to back off This one is a no-brainer. I should have listened to that voice a while ago, and I even knew it was right. This whole thing of "well, we'll share you" just made things worse. Chrissie is even more confused now than she was. She feels for both of us, but doesn't want to hurt us either. And she's told me that she loves me the most, simply because I'm the father of her child, and that she wants to have a family together later on, etc. I've learned not to swallow that one whole, but I think she's sincere anyways.

 

If I can show her that I'm strong enough to step back and let go of the situation, I think I have a good chance. 3.) I need to be loved. Yeah, that's pretty crucial to anyone. I don't really know what it's like to have someone Who loves you as much as I love Chrissie. I'd like to find something like that, just to know what it's like. I think she and I could have that, but not right now. I need to find out what it's like, so that I know what it is when it comes.

 

I know I love her with all my heart, but I'm not so sure it goes both ways. We'll see. 4.) Live my own life All that advice that you want to ignore?

 

Listen to it. Living your own life is the most important part of any Successful relationship, simply because you get sick of each other after a while, no matter how much you love someone. Retaining an identity within a relationship is essential to the growth of the individual as well as the couple. You know the saying "I feel like you're my other half.." The best relationships bring two wholes to the table, not two halves. ;-) So, I'm gonna get my own place and start rollin'. Here is a letter I wrote to Chrissie. Feedback is welcome.. ____________________________________________________________

 

I've been realizing who I am. My name is Jordan, and I am 20 years old.

 

I have a daughter who is just over 2 years old, and she's the most precious thing in the world. I am a man. I am a lover. Even though I know that I love you, I've had this feeling of distance from you for the last while. Just that you've been seeing other guys, talking to them about your life, and your problems.

 

I want that to be me. But I had a chance, and it didn't work out.

 

Someday I will forgive myself. The only thing I need right now is someone to care about me for myself. I don't really know

 

what that feels like, and I would like to.

 

I'm sure there is someone out there who can love me like that, and I would like to find them.

 

I don't know if that is you, but I hope so.

 

At the same time, I cannot hope for that, because it pulls me closer to you. You arise my male instincts to protect and provide, which sometimes causes me to smother

 

you and make you feel like you aren't even living your own life. It is so easy to manipulate you that I find myself doing it. That makes me no better than Molly or anyone else. I know I can find the strength within myself to be your man. I feel like a fledgling bird just getting it's feathers, flapping them to feel the air whistle by. I feel like I'm almost ready to try to fly, like the wind is picking me up.. That bird is my true self. You know that feeling? Like you can almost just& fly? We will fly together. When we are ready. I have many strengths. I am wise beyond my years. I am patient. I am passionate. I am sensual. I am perceptive. I am sensitive. I am smart. I am strong. I am fast. I learn. I have many weaknesses. I am too serious. I need to laugh more. I need to smile more. I have trouble accepting things I do not understand. I have trouble watching you flirt with other men. I have trouble just letting things be the way they will. I have trouble sleeping without you. I have trouble being responsible sometimes, because I don't want to be. I have trouble motivating myself to do things.

 

I need to love myself. I need to respect myself more. Most of all, I need to let you be you. I haven't done that for a long time, and I don't think anyone else has either. Be yourself, Chrissie. That's who I love. Your smiling face reminds me of a spring day, when you can feel the warm breeze bring the

 

smell of rain and fresh flowers. Your eyes are the stars - I could stare forever and never have another thought. Your skin is smooth and bright as the moon reflecting in a calm lake. Your hair is softer than silk. You must always remember what I told you; When I look at you, I see two beauties. One, you are a very attractive, very feminine woman. You make me drool. The other beauty is your spirit - Your inner self. That is what I see every time I look into your eyes. That beauty is something I have never seen in anyone else. I can see into your soul, and I see the pain you are in. I also see who you will be, and I know that you will heal. You are a healer. You are a mother. You are a woman. You are You. The last thing I would like to say is that I wrote this letter to try to express just how much I love you. I never will understand all of the things you're going through, but I have opened my eyes and I see that I should be doing my own thing, instead of just hanging around you, trying to force you into some kind of decision. That is selfish of me, and in no way reflects the love I have for you. Remember: I am there for you. If you just need to talk, want some company, or need help. I am there. I know you better than anyone else.

 

And I still make horrible mistakes! Regardless of how things turn out, I wish you the very best in life. You deserve that much.

 

I am changing. I will show you. Love Jordan ___________________________________________________________

 

Well folks, what do you think? The point of the letter is basically to say "I love you, and I understand you need to figure things out. I'll be there when you do, if you want me to." I feel better! thanks guys jordan

[Jordan]

When people are confused like this, throwing love at them only drives them away. She is young, and she loves you, but she wants to explore right now, and unfortunately at this stage of her life, that feeling of curiosity is far stronger than the feelings of real love. Messes her up.

Yeah.

 

She needs to love herself before she can have a relationship like that, or even love another person.

I disagree respectfully with Lauren on one point. I don't think you should be any more aggressive in the letter, doing that will achieve nothing. She has to see you for the wonderful man you are, so retreat with the highest of dignity. She won't feel anythig now, but if in the future if she grows up, she will remember that you walked out not needing to accost her. That will stick.

I found Lauren's feedback to be valid, and added this section to the letter.

 

I feel it addresses the matter of my daughter's mental and physical health, without being aggressive or hostile.

 

__________________________________________________________

 

I have only one concern at the moment: Jayde's welfare.

 

She needs a stable home environment for at least a while, something that doesn't keep changing on her. I don't know what kind of environment that is, but I know it's not what she has now.

 

All I am trying to say is that she is more important than anything else.

 

I know you feel the same way, but look around you.

 

Can you honestly say this is the best thing for Jayde?

 

She is your first concern, because no one else can take care of her like you can.

 

Think about what would be best for Jayde right now.

 

That is the place you need to come from.

 

What do you want for your daughter?

 

What do you want for yourself?

 

Do you think it would be best for you two to live alone for a while?

 

Or move in with another woman or something?

 

There are lots of different things you can do.

 

I know you have a lot of stress on your shoulders right now. Worrying about food and money takes a lot of energy, doesn't it?

 

I think you should be alone for a while.

 

You shouldn't be with me, with Mike, with Dan, or with anyone else.

 

We're all trying to manipulate you in our own small ways.

 

I think if you were alone, things would be a little clearer.

 

I'm not saying you can't go date someone or something, but don't have a serious relationship for a while.

 

Learn who you are.

 

_________________________________________________________

 

From now on, see your daughter, but absolutely limit all contact with her to the barest minimum. Give her no emotional energy. Show her you are a man getting on with your life and you do not need her. When she messes about with other men, she will remember you every time they do not satisfy her emotionally, because you have left her high and dry. She does not deserve you now.

That is good advice.

 

Thank you.

I wish you the very best.

I appreciate it.

Oliver

I'd like to thank the people who have taken the time to write responses to my questions and general bitching.

 

I just want you to know it has helped.

 

Jordan

[Tony T]

Well, Jordan, this is some pretty wild stuff.

 

But after reading your post, in addition to what I've alread written on the subject I think you are a lot more spiritually evolved that this lady, your depth of feelings is a lot deeper than this lady, and your insight (when not blinded by your heart) is certainly keener than that of this lady.

 

You seem to be coming around. I actually thought it would take you a bit longer. I underestimated you. Sorry.

 

This whole adventure, it will seem I'm sure in retrospect, will have been a great learning experience on your spiritual journey through this life.

[Sandy]

I think what you are realizing is great and very nessessary , but I am still concerned about your little girl, the mother is obviously not capable of providing a stable home for your child , what are your plans to deal with that? Are you going to take her to your home or flop her back and forth between a stable home and a very unhealthy one . Please do what is nessessary to make her life happy and healthy and stable at all times.

 

As far as the letter most of what you put in it about you and what you are feeling was wonderful , but the stuff about her and about how she feel to you should be left out.

 

It only gives her the power to minipiulate you further.

 

They say when breaking up you should never tell them how much you really love them , it only makes it worst.

 

She already knows what she means to you , and one day she will be a sorry girl for letting you go, Don't wait around for her , you deserve and will find better, Word of warning though you won't find a real lady in a bar.

 

God Bless