Marisa111 Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 Hi, I have an issue which is affecting me. I have been married for 6 years but have dated my husband for many years and for the last 3 years my husband has been sleeping on the couch. So it started out that he was only sleeping on the couch 3-4 times a week but now it's everyday. He would sometimes start by laying beside me in bed and within 5 minutes he says he can't sleep and goes to the couch. I did ask him what's wrong and he tells me it's because the bed is not comfortable.... Yet he doesmt want to buy a new mattress even when I tell him there is a mattress sale. I feel like he doesnt want to be close to me... By the way our sex life isn't good either. He doesnt want sex from me and I have been rejected many times that I don't want to cry anymore. However I do know that he does check out a,most every single attractive girl when we are out. I see him looking at them yet I feel like shouldn't he feel like he would want sex more since he's looking at other women? Do you think he is emotionally attached to someone right now? There is a female coworker whom he gets very mad at me if I criticize her. He cried a few months ago when she wanted to quit her job and he went into a depression for 2 weeks until he was able to convince her to stay. I don't think in my heart that is normal no matter what he tells me. Do you think I am paranoid and that most marriages are like this after a few years being together? Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 It wasn't good at the start of this thread, and just got worse when you said he cried when a female coworker was thinking about quitting. Sounds like he's at least emotionally attached to her and it could be more than that. You need to demand marriage counseling to discover the depth of these issues. You do not have to accept any less than happiness. This isn't making you happy and you need to either correct it, or end it, to find happiness in this world. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marisa111 Posted October 10, 2013 Author Share Posted October 10, 2013 Thank you replying... Do you think that he is cheating on me right now with this female coworker based on what I have wrote? I don't want to believe this but I think deep down he does like her. He says she is a good friend but I only met her once. The one time he introduced us she didn't say much to me. Just standoffish. I forgot to mention she has 2 young kids and is married. My husband comments alot that her kids are so cute yet he has never ever said that about any other kids he knows only hers. One time he told me to come up to his office at work because she bought something for me while she was on vacation. I thought that was weird. She bought me a keychain which my husband could have given to me And I didn't need to see her for that. It was almost like he was trying to throw me off the trail... So I would never suspect something between them... I am frustrated because I feel like why would he ruin our marriage over another married woman? Or maybe there is nothing going on? Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 i cry when i say goodbye to friends i have come to care about...i am a sook....maybe yoru bf is a sook to...no it doesnt mean i have had sex with everyone i cry about them leaving....i used to cry when i said goodbye to my mum.....my nanna .my grandpa........ phliosoraptor said emotional attachment i feel that is true...you can have an emotional attachment to someone and not have sex with them and it can be a healthy emotional attachment one fo kindness compassion,friendly love...in saying that ... you sound really lonely and insecure......in a marriage i dont feel there would be something worse than feeling insecure and lonely.......yep been there and it sucks..that would be extremely disheartening for you......i think counselling is needed for you guys to come sort of closer union you are only going to feel worse if you dont try something and he needs to be involved in whatever it is you try to do ......i wish you love and happiness.......deb Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marisa111 Posted October 10, 2013 Author Share Posted October 10, 2013 Yes I do feel lonely in this marriage. I feel alone and honestly I don't feel like my husband really ever loved me. When we are intimate it feels very one sided. He wants me to turn him on and that's it. He would not try to touch me to turn me on and it feels like he only wants self gratification and I am just there for that. He does t like having sex anymore and when we do it's this way all the time. He wouldnt lie down on the bed with me but he would go to the couch afterwards to watch tv and I would lie there alone. It's every single time we have sex which is rare. I ask him to stay in bed but he refuses to. Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 Your husband was emotionally withdrawing when he was sleeping on the couch, more and more until it became a permanent situation. Some men need distance to compartmentalize emotions, it makes the separation of those emotions internally easier to deal with and it becomes something "real", a figurative line drawn in the sand that he is separate.. him sleeping on the couch is he way of establishing internally how he feels externally. His emotional attachment to another woman is likely, and it wouldn't be a surprise if this space was also to communicate with this woman late at night in secret...through online or his phone or what not, at the least he can fantasize about her without the distraction of reality of your presence, he is separating an intimate emotion by not laying/sleeping with you. So of course sleeping on the couch is just an excuse, it's not the real reason. People also usually talk about a person that is on their mind at some point, trying to make it appear indiscriminate or platonic...but the more emotionally involved with that person or infatuated with that person he becomes the more he slips on and talks about her curiously more consistently or often. So yes, his co-worker would be the first suspect, they might have an emotional affair...they can talk to each other about how bad and lonely their marriages are and all that crap without having to take responsibility for their own actions...people are usually sympathetic to each other who are in similar circumstances. At any rate, the only thing I would be absolutely confident in is that he has emotionally withdrawn/disconnected from the relationship/marriage and that's why he sleeps on the couch...whether he's cheating emotionally with this other woman is something you need more evidence on to establish, it's just a possibility at this time....maybe even a strong one, I don't know if how you're describing it is your own perception. You need communication at this point....and you have to try and keep yourself from being overly emotional and sensitive, because what you really need to know is how each other feels and where you guys currently stand emotionally, you need to find out how he feels without blowing up or becoming saddened or hurt by what he has to say (at least in his presence)...that's the only way he'll tell you anything truthful, if you're not going to just turn it into another emotional-tug-of-war...men get used to how women react and after a point they just shut-down and don't even try or just feel like expressing themselves is only going to lead them down the road to feeling "punished" for it....you've got to be able to have these conversations and make progress....you might need a mediator or counselor for this, they can play the role of the person who takes the focus of the emotional expression without the other person being able to react and shutdown or even run away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marisa111 Posted October 11, 2013 Author Share Posted October 11, 2013 No we haven't gone to marriage counselling but I would think this is something we need to do in order to get things cleared up. My communication with him has always been good. I'm the kind of person who would voice my opinion on anything. I have brought up the issue of him not sleeping with me, the Absense of intimacy, his close relatinship with his female coworker but I never get an answer from him that convinces me. He either reacts badly or angrily or he'll tell me something I don't believe. Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 It definitely sounds like something's not right there, particularly his attachment to this coworker. There could be other reasons for sleeping on the couch, I suppose, that have nothing to do with an affair (snoring, restlessness, sleep issues in general) - but he's not offering anything convincing. I agree that the mattress excuse is highly suspect if he's not even willing to get a new mattress! To be honest, this reminded me of my exH - he slept on the couch the last month or so of our relationship...right up until DDay (the day I discovered he'd been cheating on me). I think he thought it showed some sort of "loyalty" on his part to his OW (funny, because we were still having sex, just not literally sleeping together). I'm not saying that the cause must be the same here...but I do think it's a very, very bad sign. I'm so sorry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 Yeah, I think all of this together doesn't paint a very promising picture. It sure sounds like he is at least emotionally invested in this co-worker, and at worst, in an affair with her. I'm not a big fan of snooping, but have you looked at his emails, texts, Facebook, glove compartment of his car, etc to see if you can find anything? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marisa111 Posted October 11, 2013 Author Share Posted October 11, 2013 I don't think I can snoop on him... He is very careful... He has already changed cellphone providers on me already so I no longer can check his electronic bills. I just asked him about getting a new matress and he looked at me and said he doesn't know... I also asked him about his female coworker and he said in a weird voice like he was uncomfortable and said... Um good.. Why? I said I was just concerned and asking since a close family member of hers just had surgery... He said again to me how he thought I was a ting weird asking about her suddenly. I don't know. I am really thinking something isn't right here. He is in the living room and is acting a bit odd now. If nothing was going on between them why is he uncomfortable right now. It seems like everyone who has responded to me here is pretty much in agreement or is suspicious that my husband maybe having an affair with this coworker. I mean all this emotional detachment... I have never seen him so emotional in the over 10 years I have been with him. Not once has he cried and been so depressed like this is the end if this girl leaves her job... Tht I don't understand. I do get sad with coworkers I get along with who quit their jobs but th is it. I never get so upset like the way he does. I was even afraid he was going to harm himself during the period of time. Dont know what more to say here.... Link to post Share on other sites
The dot Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 I don't think I can snoop on him... He is very careful... He has already changed cellphone providers on me already so I no longer can check his electronic bills. Dont know what more to say here.... Oh please! Snooping, counselling? Don't even bother with any of that. If you see smoke, do you really need to continue looking for the flames? Why humiliate yourself like that? Even if you find the evidence and confront him with it, do you really think you'll change him? Just start packing. Pack your things or pack his things, but just start packing. There's no point wasting any more time or effort on this. Life is short, and there are so many other opportunities out there in the world. This shell of a relationship is just wasting your time. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 I don't think I can snoop on him... He is very careful... He has already changed cellphone providers on me already so I no longer can check his electronic bills. . You don't have a home computer he uses? I believe Marriage therapy would be useless until you know if he is hiding an affair - its not like he will confess in therapy. But it does not look good. Link to post Share on other sites
The dot Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 You don't have a home computer he uses? I believe Marriage therapy would be useless until you know if he is hiding an affair - its not like he will confess in therapy. But it does not look good. If he's good at covering his tracks, he'll be emailing from somewhere else. You can guarantee it. Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 Regardless of an affair...this is a horrid situation, begging for crumbs from the table of the man who is supposed to love you? At come point, you just have to ask whether or not they are in the marriage or not, and act on that information. You can get MC and I still think, from what you have said, that your H wouldn't participate. He may go and sit on the couch and make you miserable, but he has already checked out of this marriage. (He won't even talk to you, but he cries over a co-worker, really? Why would you put up with this disrespect?) If you are the only one trying in this marriage, you need to move on. Get a divorce and reclaim your identity and your self-respect. Good Luck, Grumps Link to post Share on other sites
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