BettyBoo Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 My ex husband and father to my adult children was a deadbeat Dad. He never visited them, gave them presents, financially supported them and completely denied their existence. I worked three jobs to rear them. He remarried and had two more children. He never told those children that he already had other children. My eldest daughter started to make contact with her Dad a few months ago and invited him and his wife to her wedding. I accepted her decision and my husband and I were courteous to his side of the family i.e his brothers and sisters. When I met my ex husband at the wedding I remarked how beautiful our daughter looked , he snarled at me and said he wasn't interested in chit chat with me. His wife then came up behind my back and told me I had a cheek to speak to him. I did not respond to either of them as it was my daughters day and I wanted no unpleasantness. However it was very upsetting as I feel they should have been so grateful and appreciative to have been included considering their past behaviour. I feel so angry about it as it really upset me and I felt it tainted the day . I have written to my daughter since as she lives in another city that I would not attend any future events if he and his wife where there as they cannot hold a civil tongue in their heads. Has anyone else had this experience? Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 So sorry this has happened. I'm the non-custodial parent and mostly the "trying to be civil" one in my sitch. People are just jerks sometimes, or trashy, or hold grudges over bizarre things. I think it's fair and healthy that you would draw a boundary about what kind of bull you're willing to put up with and it's fair that you won't attend events just to be treated poorly. Your daughter may not see it the same way, so be prepared to possibly not be invited to important events. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BettyBoo Posted October 10, 2013 Author Share Posted October 10, 2013 I think that a parent who abandoned their child and then is generously given an invitation to their wedding that he would be on his knees with gratitude. But as they say a leopard does not change its spots! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 I think that a parent who abandoned their child and then is generously given an invitation to their wedding that he would be on his knees with gratitude. But as they say a leopard does not change its spots! Well you'd think the pair would behave themselves at a minimum, but apparently not. They don't seem to have minded possibly making a scene at your daughter's wedding. I'm glad you did. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BettyBoo Posted October 10, 2013 Author Share Posted October 10, 2013 Thanks. It's so hard at times. I can never understand why people just cant be civil . Why the need for such bitterness? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 Thanks. It's so hard at times. I can never understand why people just cant be civil . Why the need for such bitterness? In my experience sometimes people are just bat**** crazy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mascara Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 Thanks. It's so hard at times. I can never understand why people just cant be civil . Why the need for such bitterness? Well you say that, but I'm in the same position as you - abandoned to single parenthood and raised the kids alone. They are now adults, but not yet married. When they do get married however, and if he is invited... I'll be the one telling him, through gritted teeth, not to speak to me. So I guess I'll be the bitter, uncivil one, but I'm ok with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BettyBoo Posted October 11, 2013 Author Share Posted October 11, 2013 Well you say that, but I'm in the same position as you - abandoned to single parenthood and raised the kids alone. They are now adults, but not yet married. When they do get married however, and if he is invited... I'll be the one telling him, through gritted teeth, not to speak to me. So I guess I'll be the bitter, uncivil one, but I'm ok with that. I don't think you are being bitter you are simply setting your boundaries prior to the wedding itself. Nothing wrong with that at all. I have not set my boundaries and wont ever be in the presence of that man again. A parent who has done all the rearing of the children has every right to be treated with respect and the decency they deserve . Link to post Share on other sites
Mascara Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 You're a better person than I would have been. I wouldn't have tried to talk to him. He sounds like a total arsehole. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 i often wonder about when this happens i have 3 daughters so chances are ill face this situation...my ex lives with his affair partner....and yep ..i have misgivings..i am single so it will be awkward for that reason as well..i told my oldest daughter i didnt know if i could attend if my ex and his partner go...do we all sit together...but me sort of to the side .do i walk her down the aisle or does he..while i tie her to a ceilign fan....kidding..... i dont want my daughter to see me feeling awkward...out of place.and have that spoil her day she told me that .........i am the one who has to be there and if it were between me and them ....i am coming....which touched me.....but i feel guilt that in some ways i letting what i feel take over what should be a wonderful day for her....and i dont think that is fair on a day that every daughter should feel nothing but joy and love for her partner and those aroudn her...so i will go and suck it up...feel awkward as crap ./...but with visible love that i have for my daughter.....and i wont let him or her make her day feel less than special....even though i will feel awkward as crap...smilin...sometimes you have to put aside your feelings for the happiness of another ...for just one day...not much to ask really......smile widely and often ......and imagine tying them to ceiling fans in between tears of joy for your daughter, yeah that sounds like a plan.....lol....sigh....cheers..best wishes for you..deb Link to post Share on other sites
Author BettyBoo Posted October 11, 2013 Author Share Posted October 11, 2013 Well you say that, but I'm in the same position as you - abandoned to single parenthood and raised the kids alone. They are now adults, but not yet married. When they do get married however, and if he is invited... I'll be the one telling him, through gritted teeth, not to speak to me. So I guess I'll be the bitter, uncivil one, but I'm ok with that. You're a better person than I would have been. I wouldn't have tried to talk to him. He sounds like a total arsehole. i often wonder about when this happens i have 3 daughters so chances are ill face this situation...my ex lives with his affair partner....and yep ..i have misgivings..i am single so it will be awkward for that reason as well..i told my oldest daughter i didnt know if i could attend if my ex and his partner go...do we all sit together...but me sort of to the side .do i walk her down the aisle or does he..while i tie her to a ceilign fan....kidding..... i dont want my daughter to see me feeling awkward...out of place.and have that spoil her day she told me that .........i am the one who has to be there and if it were between me and them ....i am coming....which touched me.....but i feel guilt that in some ways i letting what i feel take over what should be a wonderful day for her....and i dont think that is fair on a day that every daughter should feel nothing but joy and love for her partner and those aroudn her...so i will go and suck it up...feel awkward as crap ./...but with visible love that i have for my daughter.....and i wont let him or her make her day feel less than special....even though i will feel awkward as crap...smilin...sometimes you have to put aside your feelings for the happiness of another ...for just one day...not much to ask really......smile widely and often ......and imagine tying them to ceiling fans in between tears of joy for your daughter, yeah that sounds like a plan.....lol....sigh....cheers..best wishes for you..deb Well it was a tough one. He had not been involved in their lives for the past 23 years, nothing ,not even financial support. When my daughter asked me if it was ok to invite him his wife and two children I said to her it had to be her decision. Personally I would have preferred he was not there but it was her day and I was determined to support her in every way. It was a strain seeing him there as he and his wife apparently were snapping at each other during the service. They sat down the back . They had no formal part in the wedding speeches or anything else. I gave a speech and so did my husband her step Dad. Her brother walked her down the aisle. The day went well but it was a strain to be honest with them there and behaving like they were. I would never put myself through it again to be honest. I do feel for you, it is a really hard call but have a supportive friend by your side. I had great friends there who knew him for exactly what he is and were by my side for the day. My husband was great also. It is hard to believe but he was a bigger b........ on the day than I even remembered him 23 years ago. So boy am I glad I got rid of him all those years ago and also for my children who have turned out to be exemplary people. Link to post Share on other sites
Mascara Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 I'll put on a face, for the kids' sake, but inside I'll be seething. And he better not talk to me. Honestly the nerve. Leaving you to do it all, the job and cost of raising them, then he swoops in when the work is done, basking in the glow of Father Of The Bride? I think not. Thank god you didn't say he gave a speech or walked her down the aisle. I'd have thrown up. Link to post Share on other sites
Criticality Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 By giving your children the ultimatum that you won't be present if he is, you're just punishing and putting stress on your kids. Putting them in the middle after all these years, and that's not fair. And yes, their behavior was awful, but by reacting like this you're playing right into their hands. Creating more drama. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 By giving your children the ultimatum that you won't be present if he is, you're just punishing and putting stress on your kids. Putting them in the middle after all these years, and that's not fair. And yes, their behavior was awful, but by reacting like this you're playing right into their hands. Creating more drama. Agreed. I think you should have spoken to your daughter about his OP, not write. You can't expect much from someone who abandons his children unfortunately, certainly not gratitude. I think you should speak to your daughter and see what her experience of having her father at the wedding was. This isn't just about you. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts