Ex has a new gf, but still wants to sleep with me!

[catalina]

I need some advice! My boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me 2 months ago. It wasn't a clean breakup, he came back to me the next day, only to leave me again 2 days later... then he tried to date me and other girls at the same time... it was a mess. Turned out he had been dating online a few weeks before he broke up with me. I was devastated. He's now dating one of these internet girls. She's much younger - 18 (we're 25).

 

Since we broke up for good, he's come over and we've slept together twice. It's so unlike him to cheat! At first he had told me that his new gf wasn't sleeping with him yet (he's repeatedly told me that she's "prudish"), so it was purely physical between us, and it was ok. After those two times I told him I couldn't do it anymore. I didn't like that he had left me for this younger girl, but I wasn't comfortable allowing him to cheat with me either.

 

Two days ago, he tried to sleep with me again. (We're both graduate students, and were talking after class). I asked him if he was sleeping with the 18 year old now, and he said yes. But he still tried to get me to ask him to come home with me. It was cold and we were in the parking lot. He kept holding me, touching me... i kept telling him to go home and call his girlfriend. But it didn't seem good enough for him. We were there for 3 hours. He'd keep changing the subject, then coming back to talking about sex. I don't understand. He has a new girlfriend. He's been sleeping with her for less than a month, and he wants to sleep with me?!? Why? Is this normal? When i asked him, he just gave me some crap line about how he's "a guy", and "all guys want to sleep with lots of women"... it was bs. i could see right through it.

 

I even asked him if he really WAS sleeping with her... and he assured me he was. I don't get it. He's not the type to sleep around. He's not the type to be unfaithful. I've known him for seven years. There's something else going on... i just can't figure it out. The breakup itself was a shock to me. I was so happy - thought we were going to get married, and one day it was just over. I've realized that there were things about me that may have made him leave - i don't take criticism too well, and can be moody at times... but ugh... i don't know what to do here. A part of me wants him back - but he seems unwilling to leave the 18 year old. Says he misses talking to me. But that's still no excuse to want to sleep with me, when he's already got a gf, right??

 

Any thoughts on this from anyone would be greatly appreciated!!

[SoleMate]

You're asking us to explain his behavior. I can't, other than through some generalities, like "He's a guy", "He's a player", "He's a cake man". HOWEVER...I would suggest that for you to understand his exact motivations is pointless. He may not know himself, so I doubt if we can guess. What's really important for you is to take care of yourself, and figure out what you will and will NOT put up with. Sounds like sleeping together has left you with a lot of questions swirling in your head.

 

I sense that you may be hoping to get him back. In that case, it is ESSENTIAL for you to stop sleeping with him. Reason: He has to miss you before he will come back to you.

[smile]

my ex did the same thing to me, sort of. I mean we had phone sex and internet sex but never in person sex.. he always just said.. nah its not a good idea for me to be there. it wasnt until later i found out he was still dating this other girl.

 

i am not sure he knew what he was doing either. we would talk for hours and have phone sex and then the deepest most honest discussions we ever had. I found out about her and two weeks later she broke up with him. Said he was emotionally distant and she felt there was someone else.

 

My breakup was sudden also. He now says he went crazy and he is unhappy.. depressed even with the way everything happened. He was never the type to cheat either.. so I was shocked and wondered what it meant too...

 

I understand your being confused because if you are his friend and someone he wants sexually then why wont he just want you.. what is this other girl around for? You get sex and talks and she gets commitment that sucks .

 

When I knew he was with her I stayed away. I think you have to. We talked on the phone a bit and the internet but not in person. Its too hard to be there right after ya know? And if he isnt sure what he wants then he needs to find it out.

 

He had a connection to you that he misses or wants or whatever but right now it just seems like a habit.. this is the way it is and its ok. Dont let him go out with someone else and use you as a gf. youre not his gf.

 

Start acting like just a friend if you want to be there. When he talks about sex laugh it off. When it gets too intense go away. Act like your busy... don't fall back into it. Its easy I know.. trust me I know. But if you can keep your distance sexually maybe he will be able to realize how much more you are than that.

 

I have a theory that when boys want to be intimate .. and I mean emotionally intimate.. but they dont want to feel vulnerable they use the excuse of sex to obtain that connection they are too proud to ask for. He wants to feel close to something real because this girl isnt working out for him. You being around isnt forcing him to make any decisions...

 

take care and let me know what happens.... i think you mean more to him than he cares to admit. make him face it!

[myangel772001]

my husband is doing the same thing to me. we have been seperated for almost 5 monthes. he has a new gf and she is pregnant. he complains to me all the time that he haTES HER AND HE DOESNT WANT THE BABY. BUT HE STILL TRYS TO SLEEP WITH ME ALL THE TIME. WE HAVE A LITTLE GIRL TOGETHER. IN FACT HE CAME TO SEE HER TODAY. BUT AS HE GOT THERE I WAS COMING IN FROM WORK. HE COMES UP TO ME GRABS MY ASS AND TELLS ME TO GIVE HIM A KISS. I AM LIKE YOU HAVE A GF YEAH BUT ITS NOT WORKING OUT I HATE HER. BUT HE CONTINUES TO SATY WITH HER. I DONT KNOW WHY THEY WANT TO JUST KEEP SLEEPING TOGETHER . DONT HTEY KNOW WHAT THEY DO TO OUR HEARTS? I THINK THAT ONE LADY WHO SAID "I THINK THEY ARE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING THEY NEED BUT ARE AFRAID TO ASK FOR(SOMETHING THEY KNEW WAS REAL) WAS TOTALLY RIGHT. I THINK WE JUST STILL LOVE THEM AND WANT WHATEVER WE CAN GET. BUT AFTER THAT ATLEAST I KNOW I DO I FEEL QUITE STUPID. BUT I KEEP DOING IT. hAVE YOU HEARD THAT NEW SONG BY LEANNE WOLMACK. I THINK EVEN IF YOUR NOT INTO COUNTRY YOU WILL LIKE THIS SONG. ITS CALL ED I THINK "ILL HATE MYSELF IN THE MORNING". ITS A GOOD SONG ITS ALL ABOUT THAT. ITS SAYS "I MAY HATE MYSELF IN THE MORNING BUT I AM GONNA LOVE YOU TONIGHT. IT TALKS ABOUT HOW HARD IT IS TO MOVE ON. IT BRINGS ME TO TEARS.

[helena abadi]

repeat after me, don't sleep with him! you're making it too easy for him.

 

stop trying to understand so much what's happening in his thoroughly confusing world, and make understanding and taking care of your world your the first priority.

 

yes it's hard when you know each other so well, for so long.

 

you need some very firm No Contact rules. See Lost Guide to No Contact,V3 on this website for some really helpful tips.

 

take a break from each other, it can't hurt more than all the crap that's already happening.

[AnnaB]

This is really good advice.

I just split with my ex after he told me (after 6 years) that he NEVER wanted to get married and NEVER wanted to have kids. He's 30 and i am 28.

 

So we split we didn't want to but it was going nowhere for the future as i do want to have kids and there was to be no compromise.

 

A week after he moved out he got it on with a young 23 year old at his work. this was 7 weeks ago and we have slept together 4 times since they started going out.

 

It makes me feel so good at the time but the next day i feel awful. We love each other but there is no future.

 

So all i can do now is stop seeing him and hope that he might change his mind one day. it is easier not to see them i think.

 

Any advice to help me along the way???

[catalina]

AnnaB ~

My breakup was exactly one year ago tomorrow. We were still sleeping together till December, but since then I forced myself to limit and eventually end all contact. I haven't seen/heard from him since January.

 

It's hard... so hard. But you get through it. You learn to appreciate your friends. You find new things to take up your time. And you end up enriching your life because of it. I have to say that stepping back, I'm definitely not the same person I was when I was with him. We had similiar issues of children, marriage, etc. And I was willing to compromise too much of myself just to be with someone who didn't see eye-to-eye with me on these fundamental things.

 

I'm still single, but unlike before, I'm ok with it. But it took time. A lot of time. I was not ok for months. Spent a small fortune on relationship books that were all crap... I even went to therapy for a little bit... just to get my head screwed on straight.

 

Anyway, so in a nutshell - stop sleeping with him. Do this first. He's totally taking advantage of you and you're worth more than that. Then try to stop seeing him. The way I did this was whenever he called, I'd be "busy" and would "have to go". After 3 or 4 times, he got it.

 

You'll get through this. There are so many great guys out there. It'll take some time and probably won't be easy, but you can do it. You'll meet someone fantastic who will share your hopes and dreams. You're young, and I'm sure you're beautiful. You owe it to yourself to do this. Best of luck

[georgiagirl76]

My ex-fiance ( not the break up that my current posts are about) is still trying to get me to sleep with him. We have been broken up for over a year. I actually posted under the name of trouble last year when it happened. Anyway, I did the NC thing eventually and of course he came crawling back wanting sex. However, he has been dating a girl for 9 months now and he still ims me and emails me almost every day whether I respond or not. He recently told me in an email that he misses me and it isn't just that he wants to have sex with me but that he enjoys my company.

 

He has said that everything about his current relationship is good except the sex and that seems so strange to me because sex was extremely important to him. He likes to have it several times a day and she won't have it but once every two weeks. He has never been a cheater but I told him to leave me alone that he had his chance and I wouldn't help him hurt someone else.

 

She doesn't even know about our engagement. I feel so bad for her because I know she must love him and I think she would have to be crushed to find out he is still flirting with me and asking me to come back. He told me he still had my ring and she doesn't even know about it. Anyway, apparently this is more common than I thought. I mean I have made the mistake of having sex with an ex right after the break up- i think that is common but this is just bizarre.

 

I refuse to be the OW for several reasons not just for my own emotional safety but just because I was enaged to him before she met him doesn't give me the right to help him cheat. I hope she realizes some day- he lives in a different city and I don't know anything about her- not to mention I would not be comfortable telling her anyway.

 

Just don't do it- no matter how good it may make you feel. I wouldn't trust him.

[helena abadi]

on a general note ... it is interesting to read that sleeping with the ex seems to be quite common. old habits die hard. moving on takes effort. it shows there is still a strong connection, but there may be no other connection anymore apart from sex. if the ex has another partner, or you do, then it is buying into cheating games, apart from anything else. and allowing intimacy to be had too cheaply. if you are angry and jealous about the new partner, then for sure, cheating with him will give you some satisfaction because it is sabotaging their relationship. i think it's pretty normal to feel that. but that's a short-term measure. sooner or later it is time to get real.

 

AnnaB - try and resist the temptation. yes, it feels good at the time but the next day is such a bummer. do you want the short term pleasure for long-term pain? focus on making your own life better - try doing new things, getting out and socialising, meeting new people, exercise, being kind to yourself. it's about putting your own needs first and taking good care of yourself.

 

i found all those things difficult in the beginning, as i am quite shy socially, but slowly i saw the benefits. i am in what i call 'relationship recovery' now. sometimes the pain of breaking up still hits hard, so i allow myself to feel the grief for a few minutes, which is more healthy than bottling it up, then i put the sadness away and get on with my day.

 

i have lost weight, my life is better organised, the agonising stress of a failing relationship is gone, and more positive feelings are taking the place of the negative ones. i only realised how messed up i had become, when i started feeling better.

 

sometimes people do reconnect down the track. if you have moved on and reshaped your life, and so has he, you can recreate the relationship. it will be different to the one you left. but give it a while. a long while. and if you want marriage and children, it can only be recreated if he wants this too.

 

sounds as tho he just wants to cut loose right now.

 

steer clear of your ex and the new gf. seeing them together will only cause you more grief, and may tempt you to meddle in their relationship.

 

no contact is sensible. that empty space when contact used to be might seem like an abyss, but think of it as healing time.

 

lotsa luck.