MassiveAtom Posted December 4, 2004 Share Posted December 4, 2004 Okay, We just went to mediation. I found out something really interesting. I hear some things differently from how my wife says them. It's funny, she said "I'm not comfortable with a 50/50 physical custody arrangement" Which she said she was comfortable with before. I heard " I'm not comfortable with the kids spending half their time with him." Strange, There's something to take to therapy. I just did something I had hoped It wouldn't, I asked my [really long string of vicious expletives deleted] STBXW, Do you know where the Pooh video is?" "iIt's packed away." she said. Never mind that there are still two more weeks before the [long string of expletives deleted] woman moves out, and Pooh is my youngest's favorite movie. " Well could you please unpack it, we'd like to watch it together" I said. She did her condescending [expletives deleted] obnoxious smiles, but did it anyway. I said "Thanks!" and then "was there something wrong with the way I asked? or what I asked for?" "I don't want to talk about it" she said. "whatever I said." So out the door she goes with our oldest. and I call to her and say, " Hey [name removed], while you're out, could you pick up a clue?" Yeah I know, bad news. My daughters didn't hear it, and I know I shouldn't have said it. This is some tough stuff to deal with. I wish she would just disappear. :::mA sitting back forgiving himself for that mistake:::: In mediation, she would say nothing about what SHE wanted, she'd just look at me and expect me to take the lead. WTF!? I don't want any of this stupid $h|t! I'm really starting to hate this phukkking moron! I have to suggest that speak up for what she wants? Figures. She never DID. Sure I understand that she wants a divorce. Fine, I completely accept it. And am not trying to give her any reason to stay. I ust don't care anymore. I'm really pissed that now that the loser decides she wants to go, she can't even follow through. What a spineless, spoiled, sefl consumed little brat!! Ooooooooh, I need a punching bag! mA Link to post Share on other sites
blue636 Posted December 5, 2004 Share Posted December 5, 2004 Time to go to the gym! I always feel that working out helps me a lot, it gets your blood circulating nicely and helps release hormones that soothe you a bit. It's also a place to get some great scenery! Link to post Share on other sites
Author MassiveAtom Posted December 5, 2004 Author Share Posted December 5, 2004 Maybe it's time to put down the squares(cigs) and get my sorry ass to the gym. I signed up for a kick boxing class, where I can imagine her condescending face as one of the trainer's mitts where I can pummel it to a bloody pulp. Man I never expected to feel such disdain for a person I once loved!! That does it for me, marriage is out of the question! Yeah right! YyyyyyYYYYYYAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just hope one day she gets that feeling. you know, and comes to me, cuz she a frightened little selfish brat too. I will FINALLY have that ANGRY sex I've always wanted! ; ) YAY divorce! Link to post Share on other sites
blue636 Posted December 5, 2004 Share Posted December 5, 2004 In terms of you hating the one you once loved, I don't think there is anymore powerful a hatred one can have for someone unless they were once in love. I might hate my enemies, I might hate other people and other countries, but I hate no one more than the one I once proclaimed my love for. Link to post Share on other sites
Kristine Posted December 5, 2004 Share Posted December 5, 2004 Love and hate walks a fine line. Been there. I carried a hatred and anger for many years over my 1st husband. As for the video, buy a new one. It's really not worth fighting about (unless it's discontinued). And then you won't be waiting around for her to get it to you (not like she would, it's a power thing). Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted December 5, 2004 Share Posted December 5, 2004 Why all the anger? ....You might want to change your sig, by the way. Stay calm, cool and collected. You're fighting with her over a $10.00 movie? No way, go buy a new one and spare yourself the B.S. and all the drama. It'll get better, but only if you let it. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted December 5, 2004 Share Posted December 5, 2004 You're fighting with her over a $10.00 movie? No way, go buy a new one and spare yourself the B.S. and all the drama. My thoughts exactly. Based on your post, I am by no means sure that you are the saint and your wife the sinner in this drama. You seem to viciously attack her for * Bringing up her preferences in mediation (she IS allowed to change her mind) * Getting her boxes packed up in a timely way * Unpacking the video for you, but with a smile that you did not like * Failing to be drawn into a pointless argument about the way she unpacked the video Please think about that for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted December 5, 2004 Share Posted December 5, 2004 MA, the anger over the little things is frustrating but part of the process as your lives together get torn in two. my H and i went though many of the situations you described, almost identical - it was more than a little spooky reading your words. i asked for the divorce and yes, we had our ridiculous arguments over videos and any other nick picking thing we could think of. it was so awful for a while. we also went through mediation, and as much as it saved money, it was not a good idea since i gave into more than i should have and ended up with about 35% of the assests and about 75% of the debt. still not too sure how that happened. we have a 50/50 split with the kids and i, like your STBXW started to question it at some points. part of it is sometimes a bit of a power struggle and some of it is just the 'mom' thing of not wanted to be separated from the kids. please i'm not saying that you do, but she may be struggling with that as well. and i know it's easy to say, to just go and buy a new video, but i know what you're going through and although that may be the logical, rational answer that's not the emotional reaction that even little things like that may cause. it's been a little over three years since i packed my u-haul and moved out. and yes, we planned for me to move out when the divorce proceedings started that fall, and i finally moved in may. i had wanted it to be near the end of the school year for the kids and also, since i knew we were both stretched financially i knew he'd have to start paying child support when i moved. but he made it unbearable and i left. needless to say, it does get easier in many ways although there are always little things that come up. keep your relationship as positive as you can with your kids, and i urge you, even as your life heals and you move on to keep them as your most important priority. my ex is getting married to the woman he's been dating for hmmmm since before i moved out, and it's becoming clear to my kids where they rate. my daughter has even started sneaking bags of dirty clothes to my place for me to wash so she'll have some clean clothes there without having to fight about it. my son gave me a medical form for school on friday that his dad was suppose to take care of and didn't...my son's comment to me was that he couldn't rely on his dad to take care of it. the other point, in telling these stories is that it was those things and smaller things that would set me off in the past and lead to an incredibly angry exchange. not any longer and i can't tell you how good it feels to have moved past that. it will happen for you too. the videos and other things that are sore points right now, won't be in a few years. you'll see....it takes a while and sometimes you'll feel like you'll never get past the anger, but you will. for your sake and for your kids, you will. just hang in there, in a few years you'll look back on this, or talk to people who are going through exactly what you're going to now, and it will seem long ago to you. exercise is a good outlet, when i was getting divorced i was in the best shape in my life!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author MassiveAtom Posted December 5, 2004 Author Share Posted December 5, 2004 But you know, I did admit that there is an issue with me. It's funny how only one person seems to recognize that. But thanks for the reality check. I'll have to forgive myself for letting my emotions get the best of me. It's extremely hard while she's still here. One thing for all, I did ask nicely for the video. I thought, If she were so interested in the best interests of the kids, that she would've thought to leave their favorite things out til last minute. vicious attack? Here, yeah for sure, I was extremely angry when I typed that. But in person? to her face? Good lord no. I'm only venting here, because that's what this place is for, sometimes. None of the assumptions you and Solemate are making about the way I handled the situation are true, tiki. In fact, It's only because I know what my wife's reactions are, to ANYTHING I say. She holds me in contempt for everything. Even asking not to be bothered while I read izzybelle's helpful advice. See, I'm NOT the saint, but I know that the marriage could survive if my wife had the mindset that's needed for that work. So, I guess I'll limit the anger to the gym. Course I can't afford a gym membership, and create a home for my kids, and pay the bills, and child support, and eat. How do people do it!? Looks like a cardboard box for me! YAY!! Why would I change my sig? So that she doesn't see how angry I am? She must realize that this unwanted divorce makes me far less than happy. And yes, I know I need therapy. And I know I have challenges with my emotional landscape. All those things are understood. But I married her hoping she'd stick by me through the work. Ah well. mA Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted December 5, 2004 Share Posted December 5, 2004 I know mA got angry at some things that may seem petty to others BUT I think it was more of an indignant or righteous anger...ya know? Right now, he's coping with this terrible heart ache the best he can and anger is probably part of his coping mechanism...yeah the video was $10.00 and he could buy one BUT the video and it being "already packed" represented in his mind, the fact that she is leaving, moving away from him....I think anything that brings him to anger right now is the fact that it all represents the fact she didn't want to stay married to him and that hurt him so much BUT even when you are devastated hurt, you can feel terribly angry....PLUS, maybe his eyes are open to the fact that his wife isn't what she should be to him and that he's freaking tired of hurting over her and maybe she's not even worth hurting over....(just a thought) Link to post Share on other sites
Author MassiveAtom Posted December 5, 2004 Author Share Posted December 5, 2004 Viv, That's a very interesting slant. When I re-read my original post, I remembered how I felt when she said it was packed. I have to admit, it wasn't a pleasant feeling. I could feel myself holding on to my composure to keep from "getting into it" with her though. In fact I was downright pleasant. Hell yeah it hurts, and it's making me friggin mad! I actually had the thought today that I was unimportant in any of this. I started to believe it. Good thing I have enough character to mitigate that self-esteem damage. Again EVerybody, There WAS NO FIGHT over the $10.00 video. BTW, I have only 9.80 in the bank until the 15th. It was more, but I went grocery shopping yesterday, and paid the mortgage, and the water bill, and the credit cards, and electricity, and phone/internet, and the gas bill, and got the upstairs shower drain rodded, got just enough gasoline for the weekin my car, and paid the note on it. Oh yeah, then I had to pay half of mediation, all of therapy, had a parking ticket, dropped a retainer on my Lawyer.. Yeah, it'd be nice to be ABLE TO BUY a $10.00 video right now. How bout this, could any of you send me a copy of the "book of Pooh"? I really need one. Oh, and how about some toys for my daughters, Child support will cover the things my STBXW will have to buy them, but I 'll most likely have to go bankrupt. I don't make $100,000 a year, I don't have any savings, I've spent all of my income on my wife and kids. But without them living with me, I can't afford another apartment. Could someone please send me $850.00 a month so I could afford an apartment in Chicago, relatively close to my kids that is by some stretch of the imagination dignified and safe? It's in the best interests of my kids that theay won't have to visit me in the gang-run, drug infested parts of Chicago. But whatever the case, Viv your compassion and understanding are boundless, aren't they? mA Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted December 5, 2004 Share Posted December 5, 2004 You're having a hard time right now, MA. I'm sorry for it, because I've read your posts and I know how much you wanted to keep your family intact. But you're an intelligent guy, so you know that time will heal, and your family will still be your family, even though you're not all under the same roof. The light is at the end of the tunnel. Once she moves her stuff I think you're going to have a big sigh of relief, even though it doesn't necessarily seem possible right now. Treat yourself to a nice bubblebath on that day, and watch a movie that she didn't like. This is going to mean liberation after all this struggle. A chance to be your own man again........with no daily criticism from her peanut gallery!! So, try to look for the things you'll take joy in. And keep VENTING here and in your journal when you need to. Consider taking up WALKING instead of an expensive gym membership. The exercise will make you feel better. You'll work off some of the excess stress and increase your natural seratonin levels. (Plus that it'll make you good-lookin' for all the new lucky ladies you will now have the opportunity to date. Hang in there buddy! Relief is in sight! Link to post Share on other sites
Author MassiveAtom Posted December 5, 2004 Author Share Posted December 5, 2004 Thanks LadyJane!!!! I felt so Down in the dumps today. I was cunfoozed again and angry. I sat down with my daughter and watched the Nutcracker on ice. It's about all I can handle right now without longing for ALL of us to be together. I relaxed a bit and found some peace again. Great idea on the walking. During our last separation I started walking. You know what happenned? I quit smoking, and then ran the Chicago Marathon!! in 4:22:52 no less!! Yeah, the kids' best interests are most important, but I HAVE to stay sane and able to be their father, or else this is all for nothing. Cool! Thanks for reminding me that I'm stronger than I think. mA Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted December 6, 2004 Share Posted December 6, 2004 During our last separation I started walking. You know what happenned? I quit smoking, and then ran the Chicago Marathon!! in 4:22:52 no less!! Maybe you'll give me some pointers on the quitting smoking. I quit for my pregnancies and to nurse my young. But I've always gone crawling back. I'm not willing to do any more reproducing just to quit smoking though!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author MassiveAtom Posted December 6, 2004 Author Share Posted December 6, 2004 S'okay, I went back too. And I haven't run in over a year! Okay MY daughter is sitting here on my lap and she's going to do some smilies now. She's great! Link to post Share on other sites
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