Ex friend with benefits back in the picture

[Nickyg]

So I've been in a relationship with this girl for a while now, only 4 months nothing too long. She claims she's not a cheater and has been in two relationships each lasting well over 3 years. She brought to my attention a few weeks ago that her ex "****buddy" is trying to come see her, to which I told her I didn't want to happen. She respected and hasn't seen him. I am 100% sure that early on on our relationship she was flirting with him but not getting sexual or anything even telling him that she won't have sex with him cause she's with me. Sad thing is, he was married when they were hooking up, so he expects her to do the same for him since he's about to be divorced. She told me last night that he invited her to our college football game with him and his "bosses." She asked if that was fine to which I said "no, I'm not comfortable with that at all considering what he expects you to do to help him and considering talks history." She said it's no big deal and she'll make an excuse not to be able to hang out with him. Should I be concerned? She's recently been kind of cold or a little more distant, but I understand she's very busy with school and what not. Should I talk to her or should I be worried? Idk what to do considering I have never been in a situation like this.

[Maxtor]

Are you fine with your girl hanging out with a guy she had the hots for? Literally, they weren't just friends, and you know he wants it. You have to stand your ground. I wouldn't let that happen, thats a deal breaker for me.

[Nickyg]

I don't like it, which is why I told her no. She said "okay, it's no big deal, I'll just make an excuse for why I can't see him."

[Nickyg]

Well on one hand she is honoring your feelings on the matter.

 

But on the other hand she isn't honoring them until you bring it up. I can't imagine thinking it would be ok with a gf of mine that I go hang out with a woman that I use to have sex with.

 

Why doesn't she just tell the guy that she is dating you and that it wouldn't be right for them to hang out?

 

So my problem with her would be that she isn't honoring her committment to you on her own. You have to end up saying something about it.

 

I mean, she wants to know the boundary behind that sort of thing. She probably feels like it's best to ask me cause she didn't know if that was beyond my limits for her. She's just been acting kind of distant which is why I was concerned that maybe she's looking for a reason to leave. But I guess she wouldn't have asked me if she can hang with him if she planned to just leave me.

[Nickyg]

Well how do you feel about her saying that it's no big deal that she can't hang out with him? I told her "he's a part of your past, a past you shouldn't be entirely too proud of, and he expects you to have sec with him." She said she's aware that he wants to have sex, but she said "it takes two to tango, so I've made it clear that we won't do anything." Which is true, since she's told him before "we can hang, but I'm not hooking up with you." But that was before I made it clear that I didn't want her to see him.

[Nickyg]

I mean I've seen her text to him saying that nothing will happen. But he's insistent and she's told me that she knows how to handle herself with people. She made the point that any guy she'd hang with would want to get in her pants. At least she's aware and is open to that. She just knows the limits. But idk, it's such a sticky situation and she seems like she wants some space now considering I got kind of mad at her for asking me.

[James-London]

If you like this girl then you should panic.

 

Obviously, she should not be hanging around with a guy she used to sleep with and who wants to have sex with her now. I think she is asking you if it is OK to see how much you actually care about her/the relationship.

 

You need to be aware that she could have feelings for this guy still and could go off with him even if things seem OK with you. If you have a fight with her, guess whose arms she will be running into....

 

If she was totally committed to you, why would she even want to spend time with someone who she already knows would make you uncomfortable? If she was committed to you, that question just wouldn't even come up.

 

If I were you, I would step back and watch her very closely. Monitor her phone/email if you feel you need to. Do not tell her what to do or who she should talk to (unless it is not already obvious). Just see what she does - there is a good chance she is already cheating or is at least thinking about it.... gather evidence first before confronting her.

[PegNosePete]

Seems like a s#!t test to me. Unfortunately you failed. Well, you didn't fail too badly, but it's not an optimal response.

Edited October 11, 2013 by PegNosePete

[Darren Steez]

I don't like it, which is why I told her no. She said "okay, it's no big deal, I'll just make an excuse for why I can't see him."

 

Umm dude, you told her no the first time, they're still chatting and she asked again.

 

Next time she's not going to ask.

[Darren Steez]

Well how do you feel about her saying that it's no big deal that she can't hang out with him? I told her "he's a part of your past, a past you shouldn't be entirely too proud of, and he expects you to have sec with him." She said she's aware that he wants to have sex, but she said "it takes two to tango, so I've made it clear that we won't do anything." Which is true, since she's told him before "we can hang, but I'm not hooking up with you." But that was before I made it clear that I didn't want her to see him.

 

If he wants to see her so bad, say yes she can go to see him..only if you tag along.

 

Thing is buddy this guy is stomping all over your territory and showing you no respect. You've been told he wants to bang her, they still continue to talk, she asks you if they can meet up.. and while you've said no, you haven't exerted any sort of authority what-so-ever.

 

Put it this way, if he was chatting up a gang member's girl and she went back and told the guy, yeah my "friend" is back in my life and wants to bang me.

You think he'll say "Aww shuck honey, I really don't want you to go but you go ahead and keep chatting with him, because I trust you.."

 

I think you need to have a word with this friend..but it's up to you if you want him to keep pressing for the booty without any comeback.

[Try]

I mean I've seen her text to him saying that nothing will happen.

Many couples have established boundaries that do not allow for opposite sex friends (OSF). Most couples that do have boundaries that allow for OSF, agree that anyone that you have had sex with before cannot be an OSF. Another common boundary is that any OSF must be a friend of the couple's relationship and at least friendly with the other member of the couple. This guy should not be allowed to be her OSF at all. Her history with him was very sexual, and he an enemy of your relationship with her in that he openly states that he wants sex with her. Add in that her relationship involved her sneaking around with him as he lied and cheated on his wife with her, and there is no way that she should even be in communication with him at all, much less her thinking that it was OK to ask if she could go on a date with him to a game. You would be reasonable to demand full no contact (NC) with this former lover, and a fool not to.

 

She made the point that any guy she'd hang with would want to get in her pants. At least she's aware and is open to that.

She enjoys the rush of knowing that these other men want her and keeps them in her life because of that. This is dangerous to your relationship with her long term, and is why many couples have boundaries that do not allow for OSF.

 

But idk, it's such a sticky situation and she seems like she wants some space now considering I got kind of mad at her for asking me.

She cheated with a married man and has no remorse for doing so. She thus thinks that cheating is OK. With this in mind, why do you think that she would not cheat on you?