Can this work? [update]

[John Grogan]

First of all, i want to thank in advance for the replies that will come.

 

So, this is it, it will be a bit tricky, but here it goes: I met her in 2007, but the way we met was movie material. I went to see a movie with my friend and in the whole cinema were only 5 people, us two, a guy and two girls. I saw one of them when i entered and she cought my eyes, she was really really beautiful, but i was really shy and i didn”t talk to her. Later that night, god knows how, i started to chat with a girl on this music forum and i asked her for her yahoo id to chat there. We started talking and we gave each other a photo. We recognised each other, it was her, the gal from the cinema. We started talking, but she was with a guy. All of 2008 we spoke and become closer and closer and in the new days of 2009, she broke up with him and we dediced to meet for the first time on Valentine”s day. A bit cliche but i was dumb back then. A week before we would meet, we stoped talking because she got together with a guy to get back at her ex. That guy was a friend of her ex. I felt broken hearted and erase her contacts and so on. After three months, she tried to talk to me, but i refused and that looked the end of it.

 

The years have passed and from time to time, i remembered her. I had multiple relationships, but failed to connect with them, so last september, i decided to write her on Facebook. After a thew seconds, she replied. We started talking and i found out she is getting married in december (last year) and she lives in another country, but not far from mine. We talked and talked and talked, but i acted arrogant and stuff. Then, a thew weeks before the wedding, she said if she will run from that life and come here, will i wait for her? Will i wait for her on the airport? Long story short, she is married but she doesn”t love him, they have somekind of a deal, however he asked her three times to get married in the church and she said no. At her question I said no.

 

Then, two nights before her wedding, i”ve sent her a long message in which i have told her some stuff and i ended it with: you will always be the one that got away.

 

She got married, things passed and in june she called me, out of the blue. We talked, talked, talked and things become more and more intense. We made videos for each other, audioblogs, mails, etc, it was all too much. And finally she said she is coming to see me. She did, but in the last minute, her husband came along and we couldn”t see each other. I was sad, but somehow i knew she will do this and i was upset so time passed again. Then, after just three weeks after that moment, she told me she is coming here for the weekend. I didn”t believe her, but i decided to wait her at the airport. I was looking at the flight list and i was convinced i am a retard, she won”t come, but the doors opened and there she was. The moment we saw each other. .... You can”t fake that, the emotion, the way she was shaking, that can”t be faked. We had a incredible weekend, absolutely incredible and the weird part was that she introduced me to her parents.

 

That weekend was so intense and we started making plans how this can work. She has a business and she has to stay married and two years there, because if she is alone, she can”t stay in that country and will have to leave. We decided to have two years. The day she went, i left her in a metro and before the doors closed, like in a movie, she jumped she ran after me on the platform and went into my arms and she said it: I love you, i love you with all my heart. She said this: live your life in these two years, but after this, i am coming for you, for us, i am coming to be with you forever.

 

This was a month ago, monday it will be our one month anniversary. This relashionship has it ups and downs. We skype and chat almost non stop in some days and not that much in other ones. I am trying to keep it together and not show, but i am so afraid, i don”t want to lose here, i know she is the one, that we are ment to be together, but life ****ed us over so much so i am so afraid. When she is not there but she has seen my facebook messages or phone messages, i feel like a part of me is dying. So, my question is this, can i pull this? Or is it impossible?

 

I do not believe in long distance relashionships, but i believe if we want to make it happen, we will. But as i said, i am so afraid and paranoic when she doesn”t answer and i wish wasen”t like this.

 

Thank you for reading and please help a fella out.

Edited October 10, 2013 by John Grogan

[headinthecloud]

It sounds like you are both living in a fantasy world and are feeding into each others neurosis. She is cheating on her husband with you, there is never a good reason, and you are there with open arms.

 

Life is stranger than fiction and surely movie moments are fleeting, reality is completely different. Try to get your head out of the clouds and come back to earth.

[John Grogan]

It sounds like you are both living in a fantasy world and are feeding into each others neurosis. She is cheating on her husband with you, there is never a good reason, and you are there with open arms.

 

Life is stranger than fiction and surely movie moments are fleeting, reality is completely different. Try to get your head out of the clouds and come back to earth.

 

Thanks for the reply, yeah, she is, but for a while now, even before we were together, she was talking about divorce.

 

I do not trust her, because of what happend in the past between us, however, i trust that she love me. There are some things that can”t be faked, there is no way on doing that.

 

I am a man with a plan, but i feel like the ground is running from me. I am trying to live like i did, but somehow i feel myself over my head.

 

I am a realistic guy and i have the feeling that when i will be cozy, something will happen.

 

But all in all, do we have a chance?

[Million.to.1]

She had many opportunities to date you, be with you, and she chose other guys, another life.

 

she is cheating on her husband and regardless of what she has told you about a "deal", she is married to someone else. Not you.

 

I think you are being taken for a ride. She needs the fantasy/safety net you are providing and is all wrapped up in the drama of it all.

 

I doubt there is any validity in her promises for a future.

[John Grogan]

Well, we had three years when we didn”t talk until when we reconected, in that time she went abroad. After she broke up with the guy, i think she chose a rebound instead of me.

 

The thing is that, she grew, she changed from that moment and meeting her parents was very odd for me. I mean, why do that? I am not a celebrity, she has a better salary than me where she lives because of the economic stature, so that scenario is out of the picture. I do not show that i am non stop there, that i have a life, but that i do love her.

 

I am not the same like the one i was when we first met, i do not show that i am taken for granted. I hide my emotions very well, however, i have problems with me, as i said above.

 

As for the marriage, i said above, i don”t think there is a real marriage. If she is divorced, she has to come now and all her business will go to him. She doesn”t have a citizenship, that is why they are married. But the question is, would i go with the flow?

 

I mean, should i live my life, but still give her two years to make US happen and if she fails, stop? Or end it now?

 

PS: We will meet again this Christmas, they won”t make the holidays together, she will come home, all is booked and then again in february in Viena, then maybe may.

[OnlyHonesty]

I think you have made a very common mistake. You have not looked at how this woman has treated others and her actions towards them. She is cheating on her current husband with you, she used someone else to get back at her ex partner and who knows what else.

 

She is a user, a cheater, immoral, has poor judgement, probably low self esteem and she does not treat others well. Your ego and sexual desire for her have clouded your judgement and your eyes are covered by a filter that I would call the 'itsnotme' filter. When you consider a great king, pay careful attention to how he treats his peasants and his queen because one day, you could be either one of those people.

 

My advice to you, never contact this woman again. I doubt you will follow that advice and I think that even when some know the beautiful flame will burn, only when they bear second degree burns shall they retract their hand for good.

 

I believe that as human beings, all of us have a responsibility towards each other. If a beautiful married woman tried to cheat on her husband with me being the other man, I would educate her on her wrong doings before closing the door to her (did this before). For evil to progress, it needs participation, I believe all of us should educate each other and refrain from participating in deeds that will harm another through our selfish ego and misguided desires.

 

Continue on the same path with this woman and the flame of karma will burn your soles.

[headinthecloud]

I think you want people to tell you what you want to hear, but instead listen to the advice being given.

 

It is a mistake to wait for her. Plus, you're enabling infidelity - that doesnt look good on you. She has never loved you, she loves the fantasy of you. If she really loved you, you would be together. It's just that simple.

[John Grogan]

I am bit nervous and scared at the same time.

 

I do not believe in cheating, i never did, this is the only thing i hated in my life and i know i am doing it, i am doing this stupidity and i am so scared.

 

You lot are right, i am doing something that is wrong, but i can”t help it. She was the only one i only loved in my life, the only one my heart wanted, so i am so fragile.

 

I do not understand why does she had me met her parents, why did she paid me a full trip to see her there and so on. I don”t understand these gestures. I mean on the financial part, she insist that we share, she sent me a bonsai a week ago. Why does she does this things? No gold digging i mean, she is trying to make us happen, this is what it looks like.

 

I do not understand these gestures. I know what i am doing is wrong, but why does it feel right?

Edited October 11, 2013 by John Grogan

[HeavenOrHell]

It sounds like a fantasy, not realistic.

 

Bear in mind there isn't just one person out there for all of us who is 'the one', I've had more than one soulmate in my lifetime, ranging from lasting 6 months to 18 years, people can be right for us (the one) for a while but not always for a life time, so if you don't have a future with her there is someone else out there for you.

[John Grogan]

Thank you guys, i means a lot.

 

I am just trying to put things together, because even if i am paranoic with this, because i know all the bad things you all said above, well not bad, buth true, because this how she was, i still try to figure out what is happening.

 

Why does she insist that much?

 

She took me to see her parents

She paid for me to go to see her. (i hated that).

She risked a lot coming to see me

She decided to spend Christmas with me and not her husband and his family.

 

Why does she do all these things? This is my real problem, this is what i don”t get.

 

I do not trust her, but i trust she has feelings, but i don”t know which kind. So that is my problem. I am caught in a middle of a ****ty problem.

 

I know i am stupid and i hate myself for being that.

Edited October 12, 2013 by John Grogan

[John Grogan]

Well, it ended.

 

Things have gone to **** since the last time i wrote you here. We spoke less and less and less and less, started arguing and from wednesday, she had to send me a mail, but she didn”t, until friday, we spoke i think only 3 minutes on that god damn whatssap.

 

Friday i ask her what is wrong and she told me she felt stressed and overwhelmed. She finally cracked and told me she wants me to go there, not her to come like she first said. She said she will convince me why should i go.

 

Since that moment she didn”t write me anything, even if i said if she won”t send me a mail where she will talk about what the hell is happening with her, i will walk away.

 

She didn”t and now for me is over. There is no turning back. I am destroyed, i am on my knees, but i won”t look back, no freaking way. It hurts so bad, but i can”t do that anymore.

 

You guys were right.

[HeavenOrHell]

I'm sorry John I hope you're ok, *hugs*

[John Grogan]

I'm sorry John I hope you're ok, *hugs*

 

Heaven, no i am not, but i will. I think i will. I must, i have no choice.

 

 

I only have one huge problem: Should i contact her husband? Tell him everything? Should i act like that?

 

My heart says no, but somewhere in me, something tell me i should, even if i won”t feel any better.

[nomadic_butterfly]

I think you should ask yourself what you/he stand to gain by letting the cat out the bag. If you do be prepared to never ever speak to her again. If you truly believed they are married for business/convenience then what would be the point of snitching? You know in your heart of hearts it is probably more than business.

 

This woman has proven how poor her character is even before this guy and she still chose another man over you to be her rebound (not to say that's a glorious position by any means). I wouldn't be surprised of it's a marriage for business/convenience on her part, unbeknownst to her husband and true love from his side of the coin. Stay as far as the east is from the west. I think a lot of folk with unresolved feelings for people will think they are "the one that got away" but if

This is the kind of person you would want to keep around, sounds like you might have self esteem/ self worth issues. She cheated with you so she will cheat on you.

[John Grogan]

I think you should ask yourself what you/he stand to gain by letting the cat out the bag. If you do be prepared to never ever speak to her again. If you truly believed they are married for business/convenience then what would be the point of snitching? You know in your heart of hearts it is probably more than business.

 

This woman has proven how poor her character is even before this guy and she still chose another man over you to be her rebound (not to say that's a glorious position by any means). I wouldn't be surprised of it's a marriage for business/convenience on her part, unbeknownst to her husband and true love from his side of the coin. Stay as far as the east is from the west. I think a lot of folk with unresolved feelings for people will think they are "the one that got away" but if

This is the kind of person you would want to keep around, sounds like you might have self esteem/ self worth issues. She cheated with you so she will cheat on you.

 

Thank you so much for this, even if the truth hurts.

 

I do not have self esteem problems, but after this, maybe i do. I wanted to keep her because of those moments. When we were into it, she was so lovable, but it was only a fantasy.

 

I breath a fake air, but it was so good, even that if wasen”t real and i am sad that she is like this, we could had been so happy if she wasen”t this person.

 

The past days it was so weird for me. Saturday i wanted to send her a goodbye video. Sunday just a long mail, monday just a short mail. Now, now i do not feel i do not need anything like that. Why bother?

 

Maybe i started healing sooner that i was convinced.

[nomadic_butterfly]

No problem. A "goodbye video" was not a good idea. You need to close all lines of communication and maintain dignity and self respect as a man. She is unscrupulous with a deplorable, selfish character and all you will do is feed her ego/fantasy life and open yourself up to get even more lies and manipulation. It might not feel like it now, but it does not seem like you are missing out on much. You know she is untrustworthy and without trust you have nothing.

 

We have almost all been fools for love at one point or another but it makes us appreciate the right kind of person even more when they enter our lives if we are wise!

 

Thank you so much for this, even if the truth hurts.

 

I do not have self esteem problems, but after this, maybe i do. I wanted to keep her because of those moments. When we were into it, she was so lovable, but it was only a fantasy.

 

I breath a fake air, but it was so good, even that if wasen”t real and i am sad that she is like this, we could had been so happy if she wasen”t this person.

 

The past days it was so weird for me. Saturday i wanted to send her a goodbye video. Sunday just a long mail, monday just a short mail. Now, now i do not feel i do not need anything like that. Why bother?

 

Maybe i started healing sooner that i was convinced.

[justwhoiam]

People can change and be more mature over time, or be aware of their own mistakes and not repeat them anymore... but she sounded unreliable since your very first post. So it didn't surprise me when you said it ended.

 

About communication issues and other difficulties, I guess her current situation probably doesn't allow her to do whatever when she's in her husband's company. But it might be true that she's planning to end the marriage. We can't know for sure.

 

Anyway, if she really wanted you this time, she'd have to move mountains. Break the marriage, move to where you are... In the meantime, live your life, like in the original plan you had made.

 

And since you might meet a real soulmate in that time span, you'd better not promise anything to her, or you'll be scr--ed.

 

And you never know how a woman could react to that... So beware.

[John Grogan]

Some of you know me and know my story, for the others, here you are a brief of my stupidity: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/long-distance-relationships/431529-can-work

 

Sit back and hear the story that went from that moment. After she ignored me, from that moment, i made her a video, then write her a mail, I wanted to send her all of this, but instead i left them in my draft file and waited. After 6 days, i deleted them, i didn`t feel the need to call her. I went NC from the day she ignored me and all the pain i felt in my heart, i used it in me. Went to gym and became better, stronger, faster, my work stuff was better and better and even if late at night, i felt the pain, but i went through for my sake. I didn`t block her, didn`t want to give her the satisfaction.

 

I slept with two women this month, but i was a mistake, i wasen`t ready, so i decided to take a break from that and continue my path. All was ok, i survived, but i was really afraid of yesterday.

 

Yesterday was her b-day and all the this NC part i wondered if i should break that and wish her a happy b-day and that was it, ignore her if she wanted to talk to me. Before that day, i met a friend that suggested me not to do that and i followed her advice. I only wanted to get through this day and from that moment everything will be fine (in my head that was the plan).

 

I was at work and then it happened, i received an mail. The smile i had on my face went out in a second. It was from her.

 

First of all, it was huge as ****. It took me half an hour to read it all. She started by saying her only wish on her b-day was for me to read this. Then she started telling me how she writes me everyday in her notepad, how she opens my facebook window and waits for a miracle, hopes for me to write. That she cries herself at sleep at night, thinking at me, thinking at evey single moment we had. Somehow, imho, she tried to make me responsible for this (not in a direct way, but that is my impression). Then the piece of resintence came: she recalled every second we had, every moment we spent together, she talked about what she loves about me. Her precision was perfect, every thing that i loved she recalled and that shaked me.

 

Her words were about the future, that she is coming from me, than from far away, she loves, i won`t lie, i had life in it, it had much life and can break a man`s spirit. It was beautiful, even i don”t really believe all of that.

 

 

After that being said: I love her with all my heart, but she is insane, life with her is like a russian roulette. She will love you 9 days and on the 10 she will leave you and come back on the 11th. She broke me twice, i can`t do this and i have no idea what to do now. I know i won`t reply, no matter what, but it is really really hard. I can`t listen my heart for the third time, i am not that mental.

 

Help.

Edited December 12, 2013 by John Grogan

[Honeybun11]

I think it depends on how forgiving you are, and whether you could put all this behind you. If it were me I'd have real trouble getting back with someone after they caused me so much pain, I mean I'd love for my ex to say he wants me back but I also think he's hurt me so much, I couldn't just forget that. What do you think? It was very sweet that she sent you such a heart felt message - perhaps just take things very slowly and meet up occasionally and see what happens. Just don't get back into old habits because if it breaks apart again, you'll have to adjust again.

[John Grogan]

Forget to mention above, but it was said in the previous thread. She is married with another man and she lives in another country.

[wwwwww]

She just sounds somewhat crazy in a sense. You have to put yourself in her husband's shoes. What if he really loves her? What if she is the center of the universe and works hard to provide a life for a woman who cheats on him.

 

Do you want to be that guy in a few years? At least that's what would be grinding at my conscience.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Forget to mention above, but it was said in the previous thread. She is married with another man and she lives in another country.

 

Seems like a pretty large part to leave out there Tonto lol

[Zahara]

Forget to mention above, but it was said in the previous thread. She is married with another man and she lives in another country.

 

Who cares if she loves you 9 days out of 10. She's married and lives in another country. Everything else is irrelevant.

[Qactus]

Everyone is right. Why are you giving her 2 years ? I mean why the hell would you wait for someone who does not wants to be with you now ?

 

Well.. She might have a business, but Where's there is NO LOVE. There's no business!

 

she is being selfish and working for herself. Please please please look at you? Try to be a better person. First of all love yourself and try to look there are soo many people around you.

[John Grogan]

Well, i am not giving her anything. No two years, no chance, nothing.

 

I”ve moved on, i was ok i finally understood i will never be with her and i was in peace with that.

 

But **** me, i didn`t expect that mail. It brings back a lot of things, a lot of feelings and i still trying to process what is happening.

 

AGAIN, I MOVED ON, not 100 % but i did, my ego didn`t let me be that stupid again, but you know, is hard when you see that, you still think for a second what if ...

 

Well, i don`t want that, i don`t want any what if`s. She broke my heart in so many places.

 

 

PS: If you read the other thread you lot can see the whole story, why i accepted to be with a married woman and so on.