I threw away my future

[AlteredStarrling]

Hi, this is another cheater that had a future (not just a relationship) and threw it all away. I know there is no chance of getting back with him but was wondering if I start dating again, do I have to reveal this?

 

Also, can we ever at least be friends later on?

[tlegend]

Hi, this is another cheater that had a future (not just a relationship) and threw it all away. I know there is no chance of getting back with him but was wondering if I start dating again, do I have to reveal this?

 

Also, can we ever at least be friends later on?

 

Thats up to him, not us.

[AlteredStarrling]

Thats up to him, not us.

We spoke some time ago, in which I was explaining to him what happened to me at that moment and everything. He did let me talk and didn't vent out on me. Told him he can call if he wants to.

 

I know he hasn't block my number yet but will leave it at that for now.

[PegNosePete]

About revealing it or not: you should not lie if questioned about it but there is no need to go throwing it in the face of any new suitors.

[AlteredStarrling]

About revealing it or not: you should not lie if questioned about it but there is no need to go throwing it in the face of any new suitors.

I hope none asks me about it esp the ''So how did he found out'' question.

[soccerrprp]

Hi, this is another cheater that had a future (not just a relationship) and threw it all away. I know there is no chance of getting back with him but was wondering if I start dating again, do I have to reveal this?

 

Also, can we ever at least be friends later on?

 

It would be foolish for someone to be friends with someone who cheated on him/her. But, if his self-esteem is at all compromised, he may decide being friends with you is possible.

 

Why in the world would you voluntarily tell someone that you are a cheater? Is that a serious question? But, if someone asks about your past relationship and how it went, well only your conscience will dictate how much and how accurately you will explain.

[AlteredStarrling]

It would be foolish for someone to be friends with someone who cheated on him/her. But, if his self-esteem is at all compromised, he may decide being friends with you is possible.

It would be great talking to him again, if not as couples then as a friend. I want him to know I'll forever be sorry for what I did.

Why in the world would you voluntarily tell someone that you are a cheater? Is that a serious question? But, if someone asks about your past relationship and how it went, well only your conscience will dictate how much and how accurately you will explain.

I will not and don't want to but if I'm asked directly I ever cheated, I can't lie.

 

I was thinking of sending this apology letter to his parents. I haven't spoken to them since the day he found out and obviously must have told them. I saw no point in visiting them. But I'm not sure if I should send the letter or not? I also want them to know how terrible I'm still feeling for hurting their child.

[CarrieT]

I was thinking of sending this apology letter to his parents. I haven't spoken to them since the day he found out and obviously must have told them. I saw no point in visiting them. But I'm not sure if I should send the letter or not? I also want them to know how terrible I'm still feeling for hurting their child.

Don't go there. It will come across as self-aggrandizing.

[AlteredStarrling]

Don't go there. It will come across as self-aggrandizing.

I guess I won't. I know they're either not going to reply back and reply back with every nasty word in the book, which I deserve.

 

That's just me wanting them to know how I really do wish their son the best and would be happy to hear if he finds happiness again, even if it's not with me.

[aliveagain]

I hope none asks me about it esp the ''So how did he found out'' question.

 

If I am in a relationship that has the potential of becoming serious I always ask. The worst thing you could do if asked is lie. Have you put yourself into counseling? You need to find out why you allowed yourself the approval to cheat, why you felt entitled? Was it a one time thing, did it happen for a period of time, was it with a friend of his, did he walk in on you? If he walked in on you in the middle of the act the chances of him forgiving you are zero to none, you never get those images out of your mind. Get help so this never happens again.

[AlteredStarrling]

If I am in a relationship that has the potential of becoming serious I always ask. The worst thing you could do if asked is lie.

I do want to make things right in my next relationship. Will keep that in mind.

Have you put yourself into counseling?

I will be. Well was going to start a couple days ago but was busy and missed it.

You need to find out why you allowed yourself the approval to cheat, why you felt entitled?

I was in such a turmoil state of mind. We had certain arguments lately, his workplace kept demanding double shift, past things in my early years, and one of my family members was undergoing an illness. Nevertheless I'm aware none of this excuses what I did. I take full responsibility for it.

Was it a one time thing, did it happen for a period of time, was it with a friend of his, did he walk in on you?

I won't get too much into it but it was twice on a short time frame and no it's wasn't a friend of his. It was someone from my one of my friend's workplace. Edited October 11, 2013 by AlteredStarrling

[Chi townD]

Well, you played with fire and you got burned. A lot of people can forgive certain things in a relationship, but each and everyone of us have our "dealbreakers". You found his and he going to heal from this betrayal and move on with his life.

 

You're going to have to live with the fact that he's not going to be your biggest fan. Your not going to be a person that he likes or even think that you are a good person for a while. Will and can he forgive you in the future? Probably. He may be able to forgive you as a person. But, as a girlfriend?....I think you crossed a line with him.

 

Look, I'm not trying to be mean about this, I just want you to understand the facts. You hurt him badly, and that kind of pain just doesn't shut off like a light switch. And the way that you're avoiding the how, who, what and where with us kind of gives me the impression that he found out in a pretty bad way. Such as walking in on you...

 

So, the best thing you can do for him is leave him alone. You had your time with him and now it's over.

 

Learn from this. If you ever enter into a new relationship and if you TRUELY love that other person, remember what happened. Is this other guy worth losing the person you love over? Is 30 minutes to an hour of being selfish worth destroying the person you love?

 

Good on you for seeking individual counseling. Go and understand what made you do the things that you did. Until you get a handle on yourself, I don't think it would be wise to think about dating other people at the moment. You need to get yourself fixed first before you're good for anyone else.

[AlteredStarrling]

Unless you are just talking about friends in the sense that you don't hate each other as opposed to friends that hang out on a regular basis or text back and forth constantly.

Yes, that's what I meant. I hope we can get to that point one day. If either of us starts dating someone else, off course I won't be constantly sending him texts. That wouldn't be fair.

 

If I were to call him, he would probably answer once but I don't want to make him cry again or delay his recovery process. On our last talk, I could hear his voice starting to tremble and he did said how he would have liked to work it out but can't.

[AlteredStarrling]

But would you blame someone to whom you are committed if they are not happy about you contacting an X at all?

No, I wouldn't and if that's what they then I would go NC. I wouldn't do anything they're not happy with.

If you fell head over heels in love with someone and they felt the need to contact an x-girlfriend once in a while, would you be ok with that?

It would depend on what type of contact they have. If it's about getting back together then no I wouldn't be happy. If it's just on a friendly level then it's not a problem.

[samsungxoxo]

And the way that you're avoiding the how, who, what and where with us kind of gives me the impression that he found out in a pretty bad way. Such as walking in on you...

I'm with you on this one. If she's avoiding sharing the whole version on an online forum, I can't imagine the embarrassment she placed on her ex bf (or more??). He probably feels a lot worst than she's feeling on this forum.

 

One thing I caught is the OP said it was more than a relationship they had, she put the word ''future'' in this thread, she mentioned about apologizing to his parents and posted this here on:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/search/431630-marriageable-men

 

Does this mean the OP was engaged to that man?

Good on you for seeking individual counseling. Go and understand what made you do the things that you did. Until you get a handle on yourself, I don't think it would be wise to think about dating other people at the moment. You need to get yourself fixed first before you're good for anyone else.

OP follow this advice. Don't get involve in another relationship unless you get to the bottom of this and fix yourself completely.

[Sadman2011]

Why did you cheat if you loved him so much. As someone who had the same thing happen to me I'm just curious. Why would you allow yourself to do it? My wife did the same thing and is SO remorseful. So why do it? I just don't understand.

[AlteredStarrling]

He may be able to forgive you as a person. But, as a girlfriend?....I think you crossed a line with him.

No, I know we won't ever be in any form of relationship. He was beyond disappointed when he found out and the last time we spoke. You know for several seconds, I really thought we would work it out, he seemed to hesitate, wasn't yelling at me nor calling me names (I would have deserved that but he didn't) but then nope. He end up saying You gave me no choice, you did it yourself, as much as L would want to I can't trust you anymore.

Look, I'm not trying to be mean about this, I just want you to understand the facts. You hurt him badly, and that kind of pain just doesn't shut off like a light switch.

I know. I hurt him in the worst way possible by cheating. I threw it all away for nothing.

Learn from this. If you ever enter into a new relationship and if you TRUELY love that other person, remember what happened. Is this other guy worth losing the person you love over? Is 30 minutes to an hour of being selfish worth destroying the person you love?

It wasn't worth it. I screwed up. I wish I would take it all back.

[AlteredStarrling]

I'm with you on this one. If she's avoiding sharing the whole version on an online forum, I can't imagine the embarrassment she placed on her ex bf (or more??). He probably feels a lot worst than she's feeling on this forum.

What's really the point of stating the whole complete version? I cheated and indeed humiliated him in the worst way possible. I hurt him deeply and he doesn't deserve me. Words can't explain the terrible sadness I'm feeling in having done this to the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I got what many women, even many female friends always dream about; they all would ask me how to get a man that commits; I got it and still blew it.

One thing I caught is the OP said it was more than a relationship they had, she put the word ''future'' in this thread, she mentioned about apologizing to his parents and posted this here on:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/search/431630-marriageable-men

 

Does this mean the OP was engaged to that man?

Wow that was very fast guess. It is correct indeed.

OP follow this advice. Don't get involve in another relationship unless you get to the bottom of this and fix yourself completely.

No, I don't want to get into another relationship yet. I'm still mourning over this, my own stupidity. Everyone was happy for me, for us and I threw all over. I let everyone down. They thought highly of me and for me to have to tell them why he left, it was shocking to them.

[AlteredStarrling]

Why did you cheat if you loved him so much. As someone who had the same thing happen to me I'm just curious. Why would you allow yourself to do it? My wife did the same thing and is SO remorseful. So why do it? I just don't understand.

Issues, stupidity, selfishness, etc.

 

One way I can describe what happened during this destructive path that led to losing him is: you decide to temporarily shut down your brain and continue to carry on (though you do feel very guilty afterward, you're also fighting with a part of you that say ''Ignorance is bliss, what they don't know won't hurt them''). You know it's wrong but you become too much involved in it that it becomes an addiction and you don't stop until it's too late. Reality finally wakes you up and you realized what you lost.

[lollipopspot]

Have you written this out in a letter to him (with no expectation)? You sound extremely remorseful. Maybe he could forgive, in time.

[Tayla]

I like the OP's title " I threw away my future".....Well then by golly Live in the present and start making positive behavior changes...

 

Discreet Honesty can be had. Be direct, be truthful and keep it responsible.

 

And silly one...stop throwing things away ....recycle your future, that's the cool thing about it, you get to choose which way to improve it

[AlteredStarrling]

Have you written this out in a letter to him (with no expectation)?

The only letter I wrote to him was that day, in which I explained to him how I would regret this for years, that I don't expect to be taken back and told him he can call me when he wants to, that I wouldn't mind being just friends. Then I explained how I was going to work on myself and wished him the best.

 

He replied back and it was very short. In it he just said to work on myself and how we really can't be together anymore. Considering what I did to him and how hurt he was, he still conducted himself. Usually one that cheats expects to be yelled at, get a ''Get the hell out of my life'' reply but he didn't do that. It was enough for me to hear the tremble in his voice or disappointment in his face as he was still trying to normally talk to me that I really destroyed him.

You sound extremely remorseful. Maybe he could forgive, in time.

Having him as friend would be enough for me.

[AlteredStarrling]

I like the OP's title " I threw away my future".....Well then by golly Live in the present and start making positive behavior changes...

That was my way of saying how I threw away the life I would've had with him; having him in my life; the one that loved and trusted me.

[Imajerk17]

So...out of curiosity...why did you cheat?

 

What made you respond to this other guy's advances?

 

When you were doing all this didn't it occur to you it was wrong?

 

Would you have confessed had you not been caught?

[drifter777]

Have you written this out in a letter to him (with no expectation)? You sound extremely remorseful. Maybe he could forgive, in time.

Being remorseful really doesn't mean much to most guys. Since they aren't married and don't have kids together there is no reason for either of them to go through the pain and drama of trying to reconcile. She cheated, he dumped her. Done. Learn from it and move on.