I threw away my future

[AlteredStarrling]

I know that you are remorseful and feel bad for what you did, but all the while you were getting involved with the OM, there were warning signs at every turn. You had to see them and you disregarded them. Then came the biggie when you decided to have sex with the OM. There was a huge warning sign in front of you and it said, "WARNING! DO NOT CROSS THIS LINE BECAUSE IF YOU DO, THERE IS NO TURNING BACK!!" You had to know that after all the fireworks in bed with this guy had died down that there was that thing running through your head that said, "My God. What have I just done." But where the real kicker is, you went back for a second time even though you knew that it was the wrong thing to do.

It became like an addiction and since I was in such a crippled state of mind, that's what made it somewhat easier to cheat again. But I was still feeling guilty even during that time. At the same time for several seconds or so I wasn't then I was again.

Now you can explain that what you did to your fiancé that it was a huge mistake on your part, but what you don't understand is how do you look the man in the eye and explain the second time? Rest assure, the question would be asked by him. I think anyone would ask. What that tells him is that you really didn't care like you said you do by going back for more. The first time was a mistake, but the second time was deliberate. That will be the biggest mountain for him to climb.

Yes, he did asked how many times I cheated and I told him twice. I explained to him about some of my past issues, did answered the why question and how it happened, where and when I met him but as I mentioned it was still over.

[AlteredStarrling]

I was about to say that too. Sometimes I have good memories of some threads here and one thing I recalled is the guy (whoever he was) found out about his fiancee cheating in a very bad way, that he couldn't even speak to her right away nor look at her and came back days later. In addition his reaction was similar to what the OP is describing her ex fiance; calmed and self-restrained, not showing anger towards her and the girl cheated twice when he asked her how many times it happened.

 

So guys are we now getting that guy's ex fiancee's incomplete version???? Or is the OP just another girl who cheated on her fiance, even though some things she's saying seem to matched what that guy said sometime ago.

 

The only difference is what the guy wrote seem to have a more complete version explaining what happened while the OP has been accommodating the story and avoiding certain details pertaining to how her fiance found out about it.

You mean he might have been here too? If that were to be his story then I guess I'm viewed as a totally horrible person by many of you. I feel like that already.

 

I guess it's a small world after all but after this reply, I don't know why I had the feeling that some of you knew a bit more than what I was saying as if it had been heard before. I guess maybe it was him. I'm not sure. But if he was then I would like him to hear out how once again I regret what I did to him and truly feel what he has to go through.

 

If it were him then whatever it was said, it's true.

[bubbaganoosh]

I know this. If it's over between you and your fiancé then you need to move on and heal. If it requires therapy then get the help you need and someday you will meet a man who makes you happy but just remember that we all make mistakes in life and of course you made a serious mistake and paid for it. The trick to it is do not make the same mistake twice. There are some guys in this world (and yes I'm a guy) that can sniff out a vulnerable woman like a shark to blood and they will say anything you want to here and make you feel like the greatest thing to ever happen to him for one reason and that is to get you in bed. Their smooth talkers and good at listening and tell you that you don't deserve it and he should be lucky, all the stuff you want to here and it's only to get you in bed. Nothing more.

 

The way to beat them at their own game is don't come across as needy and weak. Show confidence in yourself and listen to what they say also. You'll know if it's sincere or a line of BS. Good luck

[James-London]

hey alteredsharing,

 

thanks for posting reasons why you cheated following my post. my ex-gf had an alcoholic and violent father and really could not communicate her feelings and thoughts. she actually had a pathological need to keep secrets. When I grew up I always felt there was not enough communication or explanations so I am now the opposite and get stressed if I don't know all the reasons for things. I know - a great match.

 

I would say that you are one of the most genuinely contrite cheaters I have seen on here, and that does you credit. it is also appropriate that you have no expectations of getting him back now. given your previous relationships, I do wonder if you have a fear of intimacy? things were getting serious with you bf and maybe that was a bit scary? is it possible that you were not sure you loved him as much as you thought, so you put you affections into someone else too? it just seems that a few fights over bills and a wedding are not very much to cause someone to cheat.... also things could get much worse than that in a marriage. are you sure you wouldn't cheat again? also, are you sure you have no feelings for OM?

 

you have already taken the step of taking the responsibility for what you did. it would be useful to understand better the reasons why you did it. you mentioned some bad things that happened in your past but you have not yet linked them to issues of self-esteem or trust etc. that would have been the causes of your cheating. when you understand this properly, you will be able to grow as a person.

 

ultimately, you will have to forgive yourself for what you did. you will have to live with what you did forever, but in time it will become like one of those big life lessons.

[AlteredStarrling]

The way to beat them at their own game is don't come across as needy and weak. Show confidence in yourself and listen to what they say also. You'll know if it's sincere or a line of BS. Good luck

Thank you. I'll keep that in mind.

[AlteredStarrling]

given your previous relationships, I do wonder if you have a fear of intimacy? things were getting serious with you bf and maybe that was a bit scary? is it possible that you were not sure you loved him as much as you thought, so you put you affections into someone else too? it just seems that a few fights over bills and a wedding are not very much to cause someone to cheat.... also things could get much worse than that in a marriage. are you sure you wouldn't cheat again? also, are you sure you have no feelings for OM?

Well I did liked the OM and yes you're right, there were some feelings but not as much as I loved my ex fiance. I have to say that sometimes I was kind of nervous during most of the engagement. Suddenly it was like I was seeing my life changing and I must have gotten cold feet too. Yes, I'll never cheat again.

ultimately, you will have to forgive yourself for what you did. you will have to live with what you did forever, but in time it will become like one of those big life lessons.

Yes, I'll eventually have too but not now. It still seems too soon.

[AlteredStarrling]

I posted my update on:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/647072-i-just-destroyed-another-engagement

Edited December 27, 2017 by AlteredStarrling

[smackie9]

OK so what's is done. As for your other question, should you reveal this information to the next person you date....ask yourself this: if your date had cheated in his past, would you want to know this information yourself? Would you want to know right away? or would you be OK if it was mentioned later? How would you like that information revealed to you?

 

Tip: putting yourself in the other's shoes is a good guideline to go by when you are about to do something.

[AlteredStarrling]

OK so what's is done. As for your other question, should you reveal this information to the next person you date....ask yourself this: if your date had cheated in his past, would you want to know this information yourself? Would you want to know right away? or would you be OK if it was mentioned later? How would you like that information revealed to you?

 

Tip: putting yourself in the other's shoes is a good guideline to go by when you are about to do something.

Smackie I've been honest with my current ex fiance from day 1. The only thing I didn't mention was the additional detail of how I got caught cheating (I left it in ''I cheated in the past and deeply regret it'').

He was honest about his past as well too. We were ok with each other's past. I accidentally posted on this section before. My current situation doesn't belong in the this topic anymore, which is why I provided the link to my update.

 

My current ex fiance broke off the engagement because I punched him in the mouth (drawing a bit of blood) during an argument. This is a different guy, not the one I cheated in Sept 2013.

 

If a future date were to reveal he cheated on a past ex gf but learned from it, it's ok. I don't mind if he doesn't want to tell me additional details.

Edited December 27, 2017 by AlteredStarrling

[Space Ritual]

Having read both threads, I can only say OP, you have more problems than a Math Book.

 

My advice to you is to stay single for awhile and do some work on yourself in order to make yourself a safe partner for the next guy in your life.

 

And yes, you should tell the next guy you date what happened, because the question WILL inevitably come up.

 

Do you want to be able to say with a straight face you are not that girl anymore, or are you going to navigate the minefield of trying to keep your shortcomings a secret for the next guy. That undertaking is not only time consuming, but also a minefield in that you will have to keep track of your compartmentalization 24 hours a day so you don't get caught in anther Whopper of a lie. Because you are living a lie right now, and have been for some time.

 

You thus for have talked a lot of good game over 2 threads about remorse and listing your "why's. But you can't come to such concrete conclusions as to your behavior in the space of just 2 months since you arrived here. Remorse does not happen that way. Unless concrete life altering consequence has occurred you are years away from arriving at the corner of Remorse Street and Rebuilt Trust Avenue. Your "Why's" take intense introspection and constant tireless work taking concrete steps to make yourself worthy of someone's love.

 

I wish you luck, however your road is going to be very long and arduous. Arriving at the point of Remorse and Peace is a work in progress for me nearly 30 years after walking in on my fiance and my best friend in my bed. I can only tell you that you can arrive there, but not on a bullet train.

 

Good Luck.

Edited December 27, 2017 by Space Ritual

[AlteredStarrling]

Having read both threads, I can only say OP, you have more problems than a Math Book.

I'm fully awared of this by now and it's a major reason I'm going to seek help again.

 

My current ex fiance (this isn't the same ex fiance I cheated in Sept 2013) broke up with me immediately after punching him. I made another thread just now. Prior to that I've been honest with him from Day 1. There were no trust issues with him. This time is that I really lost it during an argument.

 

This is my current situation as of now:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/647072-i-just-destroyed-another-engagement