New here.. having trouble with guilt.

[JessieMarie]

Hello everyone. I'm new to the forum. I've found myself struggling with the guilt of wanting a divorce. My husband and I have been married for about 5 years.. and I've wanted to leave for more than half of our marriage. We got married young.. and not for love.. but because we got pregnant 2 months into dating and he was going to basic training for the air force and wanted to be a part of our child's life. The thing is.. he says he loves me.. I don't feel the same, nor do I feel like his love is true, he really doesn't show me love at all. The words feel meaningless. In a nutshell, our whole marriage has felt like nothing more than living with a room mate. He's either at work or playing his video games. I'm unable to even have sex with him anymore.. I've checked out emotionally.

 

I'm currently over 1200 miles away from all my family and friends and I plan on moving back home in the next couple of months. He keeps saying how much he loves me and doesn't want to see me go, but I can't help feeling that I'm living a lie. I feel like I'm a shell of the fun loving woman I used to be. I feel empty, this feels like limbo. He's not a bad guy either.. there's just never been that "connection". He's always been in his own "shell" I suppose.. and I've always felt neglected.

 

I have tried bringing myself to leave many times before but the guilt of hurting him and thinking of my son kills me. I end up backing out for "their sake".. and I become numb to the situation for a while.

 

It really sucks. I just feel like there has to be more to life than this misery. I miss my family.. I don't know anyone out here.. and even in my own home I'm alone because there is no relationship between us, even though he claims otherwise (I'm the first woman he's even been with, so I really don't think he understands what a relationship is supposed to be like).

I'm at my wits end. I feel alone. I feel guilty for wanting to see if I can be happier back home, on my own, where I have a support system of some sort.

 

I know what I need to do. I just don't know how to do get through it. The guilt is eating me alive. My parents divorce was nasty, it affected me badly as a child. I know this isn't the same situation. We're civil.. in fact.. we don't fight at all.. we pretty much live in silence.. lack of emotions.. but I fear that the resentment I felt towards my parents will somehow be how my 4 year old views me and his father. Probably a silly worry.. but I was traumatized from my parents abusive relationship and their nasty divorce.. and apparently it's affecting me still.

 

I'm not really sure if I'm looking for advice.. but I guess I'm just reaching out so I don't go crazy.. and maybe see if I'm not alone in the situation or these ever consuming feelings I'm dealing with.

[melissag]

OK, this is coming from someone whose H made a unilateral decision to separate with no input from the other person in the relationship . . . so you can take it with a salt lick if you like - but I am truly trying to be objective.

 

You haven't really said whether you have worked on this marriage at all. It kind of sounds like you have just sat back and looked at the negatives. Have you read the book "Divorce Remedy"? Have you asked your H to change the things that bother you? Have you tried to effect any change in the relationship on your own? Counseling? Anything? Is it possible that he would move back home with you? What about the possibility that you are blaming your own unhappiness on him? Have you tried to work on yourself and do what makes you happy? I am betting that if you move back home, without any kind of effort in making yourself or your marriage better, your unhappiness will follow.

 

I don't think anyone should live a miserable life, but I do think that it makes sense, seeing how you did make a pretty serious commitment to him, and you do have a child together, to give it a real try to see whether you can be happy IN the marriage instead of looking for a way out. It doesn't seem that you have anything to lose - you might be pleasantly surprised. If not, then you will know that you did the best you could, and you won't have to live with this guilt. Just my .02. Good luck.

Edited October 11, 2013 by melissag

[imtooconfused]

I'm not really sure if I'm looking for advice.. but I guess I'm just reaching out so I don't go crazy.. and maybe see if I'm not alone in the situation or these ever consuming feelings I'm dealing with.

 

You're not alone and it's hard not to go crazy in your situation, for sure. I am sure you have seen other threads on this site from people in a similar situation.

 

It really sounds like you are having trouble sorting out your feelings on your own. A good IC counselor would help you tremendously.

 

The only other advice I can give is there is a book called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum that helped me sort things out. Fair warning... the book is biased towards leaving.

[JessieMarie]

OK, this is coming from someone whose H made a unilateral decision to separate with no input from the other person in the relationship . . . so you can take it with a salt lick if you like - but I am truly trying to be objective.

 

You haven't really said whether you have worked on this marriage at all. It kind of sounds like you have just sat back and looked at the negatives. Have you read the book "Divorce Remedy"? Have you asked your H to change the things that bother you? Have you tried to effect any change in the relationship on your own? Counseling? Anything? Is it possible that he would move back home with you? What about the possibility that you are blaming your own unhappiness on him? Have you tried to work on yourself and do what makes you happy? I am betting that if you move back home, without any kind of effort in making yourself or your marriage better, your unhappiness will follow.

 

I don't think anyone should live a miserable life, but I do think that it makes sense, seeing how you did make a pretty serious commitment to him, and you do have a child together, to give it a real try to see whether you can be happy IN the marriage instead of looking for a way out. It doesn't seem that you have anything to lose - you might be pleasantly surprised. If not, then you will know that you did the best you could, and you won't have to live with this guilt. Just my .02. Good luck.

 

I have tried, and have tried to get him to go to counseling but he refuses to go. Every effort I have put into trying to make some sort of connection with him is dismissed by "I'm too busy" or "I'm too tired" or "I'm playing my video games right now". I'm alone in this marriage, been alone the whole time, and now that I said I'm leaving he's begging me not to go yet has not tried changing any of the behaviors that have prevented us from forming any sort of bond as partners. He sleeps on the couch because the "bed hurts his back". He never wants to go out and do things as a couple. We've gone out once in the 5 years we've been together. I'm feel like he only says he loves me because he's scared to be alone.. because if that were not the case wouldn't he at least put in SOME sort of effort?

[JessieMarie]

You're not alone and it's hard not to go crazy in your situation, for sure. I am sure you have seen other threads on this site from people in a similar situation.

 

It really sounds like you are having trouble sorting out your feelings on your own. A good IC counselor would help you tremendously.

 

The only other advice I can give is there is a book called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum that helped me sort things out. Fair warning... the book is biased towards leaving.

 

I just started individual therapy since he won't do it as a couple.. so far so good. I'll buy that book tomorrow!

[JessieMarie]

I have tried, and have tried to get him to go to counseling but he refuses to go. Every effort I have put into trying to make some sort of connection with him is dismissed by "I'm too busy" or "I'm too tired" or "I'm playing my video games right now". I'm alone in this marriage, been alone the whole time, and now that I said I'm leaving he's begging me not to go yet has not tried changing any of the behaviors that have prevented us from forming any sort of bond as partners. He sleeps on the couch because the "bed hurts his back". He never wants to go out and do things as a couple. We've gone out once in the 5 years we've been together. I'm feel like he only says he loves me because he's scared to be alone.. because if that were not the case wouldn't he at least put in SOME sort of effort?

Oh and it wouldn't let me edit for some reason.. but wanted to add.

 

As far as working on myself, I have been, and I'm content with my own self improvements. I'm studying to further my career, and I have put as much as I can into this "relationship" and I'm sorry but marriage can't be one sided.. and considering the circumstances of us getting married in the first place.. it's not at all helping the situation. I'm out here at this AFB alone and away from family, my husband makes no effort to make me feel like I am cared about or loved, I feel more alone now than I ever did when I was single. So if I did move the unhappiness wouldn't follow (at least for the reasons I believe you are hinting at). The only reason I'd be unhappy is because of not having a two parent home for my child. I've tried my best, and even though I plan on leaving I'm still trying, there is no change in him.. so what the heck am I supposed to do? Just live like this forever? I've been trying to avoid this at all costs.. that's why I didn't leave years ago and kept giving him more chances to change or at least show effort!

[melissag]

I have tried, and have tried to get him to go to counseling but he refuses to go. Every effort I have put into trying to make some sort of connection with him is dismissed by "I'm too busy" or "I'm too tired" or "I'm playing my video games right now". I'm alone in this marriage, been alone the whole time, and now that I said I'm leaving he's begging me not to go yet has not tried changing any of the behaviors that have prevented us from forming any sort of bond as partners. He sleeps on the couch because the "bed hurts his back". He never wants to go out and do things as a couple. We've gone out once in the 5 years we've been together. I'm feel like he only says he loves me because he's scared to be alone.. because if that were not the case wouldn't he at least put in SOME sort of effort?

 

If this is the case, then I don't think you should feel guilty whatsoever for leaving him. No, you certainly should not live in misery with someone who claims to care but refuses to make any effort to change things. There is only so much you can do - you can't have a marriage when only one person is trying. You didn't specifically say - you are bringing your son with you, right?

[Misadventure]

Hi there. Firstly, I am sorry you are going through this. Communicate, communicate and communicate.

 

But... female-speak and man-speak are different. So don't always assume he understands. If this is how you feel, put down the boundaries, what is wrong, how you feel, and the improvements that you want to see but also what you want to feel (IF indeed you want to feel them... and if you want to give this an honest go so you can know you gave your 110%, you do need to be open).

 

- List what is bothering you, on paper in plain English, dumb it down so there can be no mistake.

 

- List what you expect from your husband, BUT also what you expect from yourself as a wife. It takes two in a marriage and you will find he probably isn't happy also... so ask yourself how you got to this point...

 

- For you... have a goal of how you want to feel and be in this marriage.. and if you do want to work at it.. well, work the steps that may be needed.

 

It sounds like you need to DATE each other.. find what attracted to you to the other in the first place.. find each other again. Then see if its salvageable. Do everything on your end.

 

Be honest in every way...so there can be no mistake.. no miscommunication.. no surprise.. and you may hopefully be surprised if there is a chance for happiness here..but that means work from BOTH of you.

[JessieMarie]

If this is the case, then I don't think you should feel guilty whatsoever for leaving him. No, you certainly should not live in misery with someone who claims to care but refuses to make any effort to change things. There is only so much you can do - you can't have a marriage when only one person is trying. You didn't specifically say - you are bringing your son with you, right?

 

 

I'm unfortunately going to have to leave my son behind until I find stable employment out there. I asked my family if I could stay with them with my son and they aren't supportive of that so my only offer back home is a couch to sleep on at a girlfriends place. The plus of the couch is it's with a friend who can get me a recommendation as a CNA at the hospital she's a CNA at. Starting wage is $15 an hour so if I do land that job when I move I can easily get an apartment fairly soon after moving (I'd estimate 2 or 3 months). I talked to my husband and he thinks I should go, get the job, get my own place, then he's going to bring my son to stay with me.

 

My husband plans on moving back as well so we can have equal roles in ours sons life. The thought of moving back for any amount of time without my son sucks though. I still have a few months to figure things out.. hopefully I can find a better situation in the mean time so I can just take him with me. I'm hoping my dad changes his mind about letting us stay until I get my own apartment.

 

I think my biggest issue is the fact that my mother vanished when I was 10. No one told me where she went.. a year later she calls and says she's in a different country and I have a "new dad". I know.. I know it's no where near the same situation.. but that mentally scarred me. I had so much resentment for my mother and the way she did it. I don't want my son to feel the same way about me. Again, not the same situation.. but what she did really messed me up. I ended up having serious depression and was sent away at age 12-18 for the depression,

[JessieMarie]

Hi there. Firstly, I am sorry you are going through this. Communicate, communicate and communicate.

 

But... female-speak and man-speak are different. So don't always assume he understands. If this is how you feel, put down the boundaries, what is wrong, how you feel, and the improvements that you want to see but also what you want to feel (IF indeed you want to feel them... and if you want to give this an honest go so you can know you gave your 110%, you do need to be open).

 

- List what is bothering you, on paper in plain English, dumb it down so there can be no mistake.

 

- List what you expect from your husband, BUT also what you expect from yourself as a wife. It takes two in a marriage and you will find he probably isn't happy also... so ask yourself how you got to this point...

 

- For you... have a goal of how you want to feel and be in this marriage.. and if you do want to work at it.. well, work the steps that may be needed.

 

It sounds like you need to DATE each other.. find what attracted to you to the other in the first place.. find each other again. Then see if its salvageable. Do everything on your end.

 

Be honest in every way...so there can be no mistake.. no miscommunication.. no surprise.. and you may hopefully be surprised if there is a chance for happiness here..but that means work from BOTH of you.

 

Thanks mis. Honestly, I've done all of that except the dating thing. He really has no interest in going out, and the few times he's said he wanted to do something we haven't been able to find a sitter due to us really not knowing anyone out in this state.

 

The crappy thing about the finding what first attracted us to each other.. well.. we were just room mates who had sex once, got pregnant, and got pressured into marrying by his parents (we both just turned 20, obviously we weren't too bright about it either). I've never had that attraction to him. One thing just led to another. We just had sex once.. and the condom broke... ugh..and I didn't know what to do. I didn't feel like abortion would have been the answer.. but marrying because of his parents giving us **** wasn't the answer either. I love my son though.. even with this situation.. I wouldn't change anything regarding having him. I think the only change I would have done would have been not saying "I do." in the first place.

[JessieMarie]

Hi JessieMarie,

 

Was just reading over your thread, and I am so sorry to hear about the pain and frustration you have been facing in this situation. Marriage has its fair share of difficulty in the best of circumstances, let alone when we are not on the same page as our spouse.

 

As you are looking at all your options, I wonder if a combination of a few things might be helpful in this situation. I know of a little article written by an attorney named Amy Desai, and I think that some of what you and the other posters have been talking about might align (somewhat, at least) with what she recommends at the bottom of the article. It speaks to a part of a principle laid out in the book she recommends, called Love Must Be Tough, that might be worth checking out as you are deciding how much you want to fight for your marriage for the benefit of your son. The rest of her article series on divorce considerations is pretty helpful, as well, so it might be worth looking over.

 

How has your little guy been doing with everything? Is he even aware of what has been going on between you and your husband?

 

Thanks, I'll check that article out. He isn't aware yet. I don't want to tell him until it's a for sure thing/I know when I'm moving/if I actually end up going. He just turned 4.. been trying to figure out how to exactly tell him when the time comes too since I'm not quite sure he'd understand it.