he is running away emotionally

[sam-confused]

I am a new member so this is my first post. I am not sure if this is the right forum to post on but i hope i can get some advice.

 

My fiance and I have been together for nearly 6 years 1 and a half of which we have lived together and 4 months of which we have been engaged.

 

We have had a great relationship but it was a bit bumpy at the start.

we had both been talking about marriage for a while so when he asked me to marry him i was really happy and he seemed to be too.

 

about 5 days ago now we hit a rough patch he was feeling that because of family issues we were not connecting in the way we use to. We weren't going out to the cinema anymore or for a meal somewhere. Which I tried to remind him is mainly because we have been in very money tight situations recently and are two months behind in rent.

I told him I felt he wasn't making enough effort to ask me out for a meal and that maybe I wasn't ether. so I wanted to work on that and he agreed.

 

Although since then he has decided to sleep in the spare room to have breathing room which I admit has happened once before. But in the past it has worked and has resolved things in our relationship.

But this time he as been getting further and further away emotionally and as constantly been on his phone texting on on his computer.

 

I find this a bit suspicious as he never really does this as much as now. He has booked a ticket to visit his parents, I was meant to be going with him but he wants to go alone. We have always visited them together.

 

He left his Facebook page open the other day and I looked at messages he has been sending to a girl he briefly dated ( for about 3 weeks) at a rocky part at the start of our relationship when we had a break up.

 

I know i should have respected his privacy but because he has been so absent from us I had to know what was going on.

 

The messages were mainly from him flirting with her about the time they had dated and how he liked to kiss her and how he loved her eyes. I was so upset to read this. how could he do this? does marriage scare a man this much that he resorts to what Ive read is called an emotional affair.

 

In one of the messages he askes for her number and if he can text her. she gave him it and I think that is what he is doing all the time now, texting her.

 

He also talked about us saying to her that we never do anything we plan anymore.

 

I stopped reading the messages and decided to try and fix this before it goes to far.

 

So when he came home the other night I had a new outfit on and asked him if he would like to go out a meal and then to the cinema now that we are more financially stable. He just stared at me wearing my new clothes and said nothing!

 

instead he went and put a pizza in the oven and sat texting in the spare room all night.

 

I am trying to stay strong as I know him too well and I know this is what he does when he is scared. I tried talking to him telling him we don't need to marry anytime soon i am happy with just being engaged.

 

He does not even want to discus anything to do with us and continues through the day like nothing is wrong. But without sleeping together kissing or having any contact .

 

I am so worried that when he goes to visit his parents he will meet up with her and something will happen that he will regret. I know when they went out it only got as far as kissing and holding hands and when we got back together he said he only went out with her to try to fill a hole that I was meant for.

 

What can I do to get him to talk to me he is leaving to visit he parents in 3 days and I know If I let him go and something happens between him and this girl he will never be able to face me and he will regret it and I think I couldn't forgive him for running and jumping onto something else before even giving our engagement a go. I tried to ask him out for a meal again tonight but he didn't want to.

 

It sounds like he is completely disrespectful but I know he is trying to run from me because he is so scared of commitment or something and I don't want him to do something drastic. he always goes extreme to solve a simple problem.

[greater10]

I started to get a bit upset when I read this. It is only because I am similar to your fiance.

 

My girlfriend and I had been dating for three years up until a week ago. This was due to me "wanting to take a step back and reevaluate my life without relying on someone."

 

From the outside it looks pretty clear cut. In my head it is a bit more hectic.

 

I have been telling myself for the past week that this "break" or "break-up" was good for me. It has been to an extent i.e. not having to have a personal commitment. It has allowed me to focus on my work. But it has left me a little empty.

 

At the core of my reasoning, my breaking up with her was an attempt to reconnect with my past self, or to see if "I still have it." Being in a long term relationship, especially one where you are engaged such as yours, can sometimes make a person feel trapped. In my experience, it was me that started to feel less youthful and more monotonous in my day to day routines due to being in a long term, committed relationship. This is why I broke up with my girlfriend.

 

Toward the end (around six months ago) I started to feel content being away from my girlfriend and indifferent to her attempts to connect with me. I find this similar to how your fiance would go off into the other room.

 

 

In your case, I feel as if your fiance may feel the door shutting on his youth and freedom to an extent. In my case, this feeling of my own contributed to me ending it with my long term girlfriend (though I have no interest at the moment of seeking out another partner).

 

Your fiance, in my opinion, is experiencing this shutting door on his youth or past self. He is probably feeling the reality of the fact that he is about to be "off the market" and that may make him feel old to an extent. I feel like his flirtatious rekindling with an old girlfriend is a shot at this. It may make him feel a bit more adventurous. Again, with every male, there is a desire to feel youthful and feel like we've still got it.

 

I feel like it is just a reaction to his fear of commitment like you said. But it may also be his desire to do something more adventurous. You said you guys always go out to the movies/dinner. How about something different on the weekends that doesn't cost much (hiking, picnic in the park). Any corny, exciting and cheap romantic thing can do. But, and this is a huge but, you MUST straighten things out with him FIRST.

 

 

I cannot speak for what exactly is going on inside of his head, only my own experience and the assumed thoughts of the general male population. Like you said, you know you need to talk to him. But you cannot keep playing the innocent, loving fiance trying to get his attention. I think you need to be assertive in your concerns and obvious evidence at his slight and possible future infidelity.

 

My heart truly goes out to you. I am putting myself in your shoes as I write this and it is making me tear up a bit. I really hope you speak with him in a calm, mature manner about this. There is nothing more important than communication in this case.

 

I may not come back to this page. Again, I only created it for this answer, but I truly think things will work out in the way that they're meant to. You will come up with the best plan possible. All the best.

[sam-confused]

Thank you greater10 for your advice. I think your idea of a picnic of something is a good idea. I will try to talk it through with him calmly. I realize he feels a bit shut in now and needs space but its still hard to know hes flirting with an ex.

 

I know he feels a bit shut in as we moved to the city recently and I think hes more of an open space guy.

 

Its nice to hear from your point of view because of you being in a similar position at one point. I hope you find someone one day you are happy with.

 

Thanks again if you have come back to read this, I will try as best I can.

[Leigh 87]

This is no way a man who is deeply in love acts towards his partner...

 

I know this is not what you want to hear.

 

Look... I am sure he thought he was in love with you at one stage, but not, through varying financial and personal circumstances, it seems who you are as a person is not who he is in love with....

 

I have seen happily partnered couples. The ones who are head over heals in love do not need to sleep in the spare room for a week; sure they have fights, but they do not go texting their ex flames or ex dates to talk to, instead of sorting it out with you.

 

I don't believe he is deeply in love with you and head over heals for you and I doubt he ever will be; it is nothing to do with you not being good enough, he is just the wrong man for you.

 

I have read your other thread too, so.....

 

And yes he is definitely going to meet up with this girl while in her area.

 

It is NOT normal or healthy in a loved up, in love relationship, for the man to go texting another women to the degree he has been.

 

I am really sorry to point all this out.

 

It will be harder in the long run if you try to fight for something, when the man is not in love with you. There is nothing you can do to change his feelings.

 

He even told you he does not love you or care about you ( as per what you said in other thread). Why do you think you can somehow change his mind?

[sam-confused]

hi leigh 87. it's not that I could make him change his mind it's that I know he is taking drastic measures to try and get away from something that scares him. I know that in his mind it's ok but I think when he has calmed down he will see it wasn't what he meant to do.

[Eggplant]

You're handling it wrong. You're trying to pull him back. You're dressing up and saying "Let's go out." NO -- for every 1 step back he takes, you take 2 steps back. Don't even come home till late. Be harder to talk to than he is. Meet other people. Don't give him the time of day.

[2sunny]

It's you that should be ending it! Put your foot down and tell him you deserve to be treated better - with respect and honor!

 

Holy hell, he's living in your space and flirting and planning with someone else! Why aren't YOU flaming mad? Why didn't you throw him out? He's cheating and you're dressing up and asking him out? Honey, that's backwards - the guy needs consequences for cheating!

 

He's not treating you with respect because you've trained him it's ok to treat you poorly! You don't cut a clear boundary - in fact you're begging him for more of his bad behavior, stop that!

 

Tell him not to return until he gets honest and committed to you!!!

 

You've ALLOWED his piss poor behavior - it's time for it to end.

 

He wants that other girl that badly? Tell him not to come home!

 

Then get busy being happy on your own! And only date men that provide for you and respect you! Get a boundary that's healthy and don't let anyone cross it!

 

You should NEVER need to beg a man to love you. His behavior is crappy - stop putting up with it thinking it's ok - it's not!

 

On a side note - when you can't pay the rent - you don't eat out, go out and buy new clothes! Learn about being responsible! Learn money management!

Edited October 14, 2013 by 2sunny

[Criticality]

Hey Sam...

 

I agree that he might be trying to "solve" his fear of commitment through, well... sabotaging your relationship. How old are you guys?

 

Unfortunately you can't "cure" a lack or fear of commitment.

 

Sit down a have a talk with him. Tell him you "accidentally" saw the messages, where does he want to take it, and how does he feel about your relationship.

 

Six years is a long time, and I think it'd be a rash and wrong decision to end a six year long commitment over just a couple of messages.

 

But if he doesn't want the commitment, its not worth holding on either.

But maybe you can save it. Give him a few weeks off to clear his mind if he wants to.

 

But make it clear to him that he's either in or out when he comes back. He'll have to start communicating, no more texting all night,mor contacting other women.

 

Good luck, and for what it's worth...

 

[quote=sam-confused;5266460

So when he came home the other night I had a new outfit on and asked him if he would like to go out a meal and then to the cinema now that we are more financially stable.

 

You sound like an awesome girlfriend.

[Zahara]

I know he is taking drastic measures to try and get away from something that scares him..

 

You're not even married and he's running the other way? What happens when you do get married? When things get hard? Can you read what you're saying?

 

The man disrespects you and you go out and buy an outfit to please him?

 

You bust his balls and step back. He has to be fighting for you and getting the relationship back on track. You don't slap on lipstick and try to please him back into your arms.

[sam-confused]

It's you that should be ending it! Put your foot down and tell him you deserve to be treated better - with respect and honor!

 

Holy hell, he's living in your space and flirting and planning with someone else! Why aren't YOU flaming mad? Why didn't you throw him out? He's cheating and you're dressing up and asking him out? Honey, that's backwards - the guy needs consequences for cheating!)

 

Your completely right I shouldn't put up with his behavior. I know I deserve better but he was so nice to me for most of our relationship. I don't understand why he has changed . I am mad but im mostly upset and It's crazy but...... I love him! even though I shouldn't.

technically he didn't cheat on me he only started talking to this girl when we were on the rocks. But I suppose it was only over at that point in his head not mine. I only dressed up as I was trying to give it one last go but It didn't work, hes just not worth it I know that now.

[sam-confused]

Hi criticality, first of all thank you for saying: you sound like an awesome girlfriend .

He is 25 I am 23.

I don't think he would take it well if I told him about reading his messages :S. But when he comes back from visiting his parents I will try to have a conversation with him. I know I need to ask him about this girl and I will. I realize that if I do forgive (that's if we sort this out ) I will have to get him to know what his commitment is and not talk to other girls like you said. At this point though I don't think I could let him back into my life unless he has a dam good explanation and convincing apology. Thank you for your advice.

[sam-confused]

Hi Zahara, your right If i married him I'd be asking for trouble. He'd probably do the same thing as he is doing now, running away . I know his behavior is disrespectful, he never use to do this. I remember always thinking wow I've got a guy who is really kind and caring now I know hes not and after reading all of your comments I know I'm worth more.

thank you .

[kendallk]

I started to get a bit upset when I read this. It is only because I am similar to your fiance.

 

My girlfriend and I had been dating for three years up until a week ago. This was due to me "wanting to take a step back and reevaluate my life without relying on someone."

 

From the outside it looks pretty clear cut. In my head it is a bit more hectic.

 

I have been telling myself for the past week that this "break" or "break-up" was good for me. It has been to an extent i.e. not having to have a personal commitment. It has allowed me to focus on my work. But it has left me a little empty.

 

At the core of my reasoning, my breaking up with her was an attempt to reconnect with my past self, or to see if "I still have it." Being in a long term relationship, especially one where you are engaged such as yours, can sometimes make a person feel trapped. In my experience, it was me that started to feel less youthful and more monotonous in my day to day routines due to being in a long term, committed relationship. This is why I broke up with my girlfriend.

 

Toward the end (around six months ago) I started to feel content being away from my girlfriend and indifferent to her attempts to connect with me. I find this similar to how your fiance would go off into the other room.

 

 

In your case, I feel as if your fiance may feel the door shutting on his youth and freedom to an extent. In my case, this feeling of my own contributed to me ending it with my long term girlfriend (though I have no interest at the moment of seeking out another partner).

 

Your fiance, in my opinion, is experiencing this shutting door on his youth or past self. He is probably feeling the reality of the fact that he is about to be "off the market" and that may make him feel old to an extent. I feel like his flirtatious rekindling with an old girlfriend is a shot at this. It may make him feel a bit more adventurous. Again, with every male, there is a desire to feel youthful and feel like we've still got it.

 

I feel like it is just a reaction to his fear of commitment like you said. But it may also be his desire to do something more adventurous. You said you guys always go out to the movies/dinner. How about something different on the weekends that doesn't cost much (hiking, picnic in the park). Any corny, exciting and cheap romantic thing can do. But, and this is a huge but, you MUST straighten things out with him FIRST.

 

 

I cannot speak for what exactly is going on inside of his head, only my own experience and the assumed thoughts of the general male population. Like you said, you know you need to talk to him. But you cannot keep playing the innocent, loving fiance trying to get his attention. I think you need to be assertive in your concerns and obvious evidence at his slight and possible future infidelity.

 

My heart truly goes out to you. I am putting myself in your shoes as I write this and it is making me tear up a bit. I really hope you speak with him in a calm, mature manner about this. There is nothing more important than communication in this case.

 

I may not come back to this page. Again, I only created it for this answer, but I truly think things will work out in the way that they're meant to. You will come up with the best plan possible. All the best.

 

Most men today don't want to get married for these reasons. They view it as being tied down, losing freedom, obligations...so much NEGATIVITY from men today. True marriage material men who accept responsibility and aren't selfish (and don't have an ego that needs to be tended to...that need "to have it" to feel good about themselves) are RARE nowadays. Just FYI. More and more men are giving up on marriage because they are becoming more narcissistic. At least this dude is being honest. Most men view marriage as a prison and I know very few happily married men...even ones with wives that are WAY too good for them.

[kendallk]

It's you that should be ending it! Put your foot down and tell him you deserve to be treated better - with respect and honor!

 

Holy hell, he's living in your space and flirting and planning with someone else! Why aren't YOU flaming mad? Why didn't you throw him out? He's cheating and you're dressing up and asking him out? Honey, that's backwards - the guy needs consequences for cheating!)

 

 

Your completely right I shouldn't put up with his behavior. I know I deserve better but he was so nice to me for most of our relationship. I don't understand why he has changed . I am mad but im mostly upset and It's crazy but...... I love him! even though I shouldn't.

technically he didn't cheat on me he only started talking to this girl when we were on the rocks. But I suppose it was only over at that point in his head not mine. I only dressed up as I was trying to give it one last go

 

but It didn't work, hes just not worth it I know that now.

 

Stop being a doormat. Hes looking to cheat that's enough. 25 is too young for men to get married, most want to screw random girls and have hot women tend to their ego. You will be married and being cheated on if you continue down this road.

[2sunny]

Has he kept in touch since he went to visit his parents? What is he saying while he's away?

[sam-confused]

hi 2sunny, he hasn't contacted me at all since hes been away. Do you think I should call him and ask if this is his final decision or should I wait until next week when hes back?

[2sunny]

I wouldn't leave THAT decision to him!

 

His actions (or non actions) tell you he's not making you his priority. He hasn't even called!

 

I'd make YOUR decision and stick with it.

 

Is ignoring you good enough for you?

[sam-confused]

I know he hasn't called and I do have to stick with a decision. but maybe hes thinking it's best if he didn't call so we can both have time to think it's not necessarily bad he hasn't called. If complete time away and no contact is what he needs I would have given it but I wish he would have voiced it to me.

[2sunny]

I know he hasn't called and I do have to stick with a decision. but maybe hes thinking it's best if he didn't call so we can both have time to think it's not necessarily bad he hasn't called. If complete time away and no contact is what he needs I would have given it but I wish he would have voiced it to me.

 

But what's he going to say "hey, don't expect me to call you while I'm cheating on this trip"...?

 

Why don't you call and ask him why he's not been in contact? Ask him specifically what he's been doing.

 

Ask him if he's seen the gal he was flirting with.

[sam-confused]

The thing is he doesn't know that I found out about this girl. in his head Im here alone unknowing and upset. I really want to talk to him though because I think I deserve an explanation,,, but I don't know how to play it.

[sam-confused]

Is this called cheating when we have technically broken up? :s

[Leigh 87]

Please go no contact . Cut all communication with him.

 

He isn't in love with you. He never will be.

 

Being your awesome self is good enough for the right person to fall crazy in love with.

 

However, there's NOTHING you can do that will suddenly make this man cherish u and love you.

 

He's a bad person..m he's definitely with that girl right NOW. He's hooking up with her. He wouldn't have been texting her other wise.

 

Please get some self respect and leave this guy and cut contact. He doesn't love you, though I'm sure he cares about you on some level.

[2sunny]

The conversation may be more useful if u just say - don't bother coming home.

[sam-confused]

thanks for all your advice everyone . starting to see thanks a lot clearer now.

[2sunny]

I don't see it as running away emotionally - I see him chasing another gal and not thinking enough of you.