Hopelessromantic25 Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 I'm a 30 year old male who's made one of the most questionable decisions in his life about 2 1/2 years ago. I work in healthcare, long hours, and throughout the night. I met someone who I instantly had a connection with. As the cliche goes, we hit it off, everything was smooth at first, however, she had a boyfriend that she lived with for 7 years the the time. From what I understood, he wasn't a bad guy, I'm also not vouching for the kid, but he was I suppose. As time went on we kept getting close. we both knew the situation and we disregarded anything that kept our logical senses from interrupting. The first year we were getting close her boyfriend lived two hours away and he only visited once every two weeks. So of course being that We were totally into each other, we got physical. It's been like that ever since. We would steal moments to secretly meet and "love" each other, which I still believe. Mind you, I was single then and still am because I never gave any other women a chance during this experience. Time went by, I accepted my role as "sancho" or "the other man" and was okay at times but truthfully I was never happy. The constant rejection and knowing the truth was hard to fully digest. But I did it anyway because I was in love and I felt like if it's this difficult, the reward will be worth it. We'll we've had a ton of fights along the way, but we managed to find our ways back together. Telling ourselves that "we're stuck with each other" and things in that nature. I think one of the many reasons why we always went back to each other with her leaving her bf was because we worked at the same place, so we were subjected to seeing on another. In one of our many fights, we've both decided to end things, she chose to stay in her relationship and I chose to respect that, well at least try. It didn't work. Now currently she no longer works with me and we had a huge fight a week ago which consisted of us pointing fingers at each other and calling it quits. It didn't end amicably, she told me to move on and there is no chance of her leaving her bf. I said "okay" and hung hung up. Hours later, I tried texting her telling her I didn't want to end things on a bad note but no reply received. So here I am, blaming myself for she said I was responsible for her being unhappy with who she is. She's 31 years old! And she can't take responsibility for her actions. I know I messed up, I slept with another mans women, I fell in love with her and in return she fell in love with me as we'll and considered me her "soulmate"? I see it as selfishness so she can sleep better and not feel guilty but I still care about her and I'm devastated. On the upside, I'm learning a lot about myself and discovering what I do and don't want in a relationship. What should I do if I want to fully move on without hating her? Are there any remedies for these situations? Thank you for reading. I appreciate any feedback. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hopelessromantic25 Posted October 11, 2013 Author Share Posted October 11, 2013 Has anyone been the other man and hard time letting go? if so, what did you do to keep yourself composed? Did it end well or bad? Link to post Share on other sites
If-I-Only-Knew Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 Yes, I am the married other man and my AP is married also. Definitely hard to let go since we've tried a few times. Sorry, I can't help since the A is still going on... Link to post Share on other sites
If-I-Only-Knew Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 In a way, you're actually quite lucky. You don't work with her anymore which should make things easier. Also, it sounds like she already made her decision a long time ago to never leave her bf so you should remind yourself that. You should tell yourself that there is no chance to be with her anymore. Just think of it as a relationship that ended. You're still young so you will have plenty of chances to meet single women. You can also take this as a learning opportunity since I doubt you would want to be in another affair again since there's too many ups and downs from them. To fully move on, you need to just cut her off in case she tries to contact you and try very hard to not to contact her anymore. In time, your feelings will fade. I assume you've had past girlfriends before and that didn't work out and your feelings did fade for them. It'll be the same here. Just try to keep yourself occupied and hang out with friends. This is coming from someone who's currently in an A. In life, it's much easier to give advice than to listen to your own. I would actually prefer to be in your shoes now so you should feel somewhat happy that your A is over and you can move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
trailrunner1975 Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 I had a hard time for quite a while. NC was the route I chose and it has served me well. I do miss the fun times we had on occasion, but that person is long gone. The real version of her was much less pleasant so that helps too. The thing you need to remember is that there is no do over. Move on, and at fast a pace as possible. She may call but ignore or at the most give a civil one sentence reply. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
trailrunner1975 Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 Oh- also find some new hobbies/places/people to keep you occupied. Idle hands are definitely Devil's workshop in this situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wambo Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 After work I used to isolate myself for a few hours. It may sound extreme but it gave myself a break from all this composing and allowed me to mourne in peace. However i'm not sure if it worked because my manager is very unprofessional and he made my situation worst. Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 I'm a 30 year old male who's made one of the most questionable decisions in his life about 2 1/2 years ago. I work in healthcare, long hours, and throughout the night. I met someone who I instantly had a connection with. As the cliche goes, we hit it off, everything was smooth at first, however, she had a boyfriend that she lived with for 7 years the the time. From what I understood, he wasn't a bad guy, I'm also not vouching for the kid, but he was I suppose. As time went on we kept getting close. we both knew the situation and we disregarded anything that kept our logical senses from interrupting. The first year we were getting close her boyfriend lived two hours away and he only visited once every two weeks. So of course being that We were totally into each other, we got physical. It's been like that ever since. We would steal moments to secretly meet and "love" each other, which I still believe. Mind you, I was single then and still am because I never gave any other women a chance during this experience. Time went by, I accepted my role as "sancho" or "the other man" and was okay at times but truthfully I was never happy. The constant rejection and knowing the truth was hard to fully digest. But I did it anyway because I was in love and I felt like if it's this difficult, the reward will be worth it. We'll we've had a ton of fights along the way, but we managed to find our ways back together. Telling ourselves that "we're stuck with each other" and things in that nature. I think one of the many reasons why we always went back to each other with her leaving her bf was because we worked at the same place, so we were subjected to seeing on another. In one of our many fights, we've both decided to end things, she chose to stay in her relationship and I chose to respect that, well at least try. It didn't work. Now currently she no longer works with me and we had a huge fight a week ago which consisted of us pointing fingers at each other and calling it quits. It didn't end amicably, she told me to move on and there is no chance of her leaving her bf. I said "okay" and hung hung up. Hours later, I tried texting her telling her I didn't want to end things on a bad note but no reply received. So here I am, blaming myself for she said I was responsible for her being unhappy with who she is. She's 31 years old! And she can't take responsibility for her actions. I know I messed up, I slept with another mans women, I fell in love with her and in return she fell in love with me as we'll and considered me her "soulmate"? I see it as selfishness so she can sleep better and not feel guilty but I still care about her and I'm devastated. On the upside, I'm learning a lot about myself and discovering what I do and don't want in a relationship. What should I do if I want to fully move on without hating her? Are there any remedies for these situations? Thank you for reading. I appreciate any feedback. HR25, My first thought is to congratulate you for being out of the A. For myself, after having, been out of my A ,for 17 months now,I'm inclined to think that way. You'll go through different stages of grief, and as I've said to others posters having been fresh out of an A, you have to go through these stages to get to the other side. If Only I knew said it, like any other relationship, you grieve it and occupy your time with others and eventually it will get easier. This is true, sound advice. The backsliding, (breaking the NC) only prolongs your healing. I think that I told a poster once, about how in my process of grieving and healing, I had to rationalize things in my head. Think ahead, of the outcome, of, if I do this, the outcome will be that, and is it really worth all that. By the time I'd thought it over , I'd gotten over the hurdle of believing I had to make contact and made it through anothr day. Time really is a healer. Don't give another person too much power over you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hopelessromantic25 Posted October 11, 2013 Author Share Posted October 11, 2013 If-I-only-knew thanks a lot. I really appreciate the feedback. I wish you the best in your situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hopelessromantic25 Posted October 11, 2013 Author Share Posted October 11, 2013 Skywriter thanks as well. 17 months seems unimaginable for me right now but I'm gonna give it a go. Congrats to you! Link to post Share on other sites
Cali408 Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 HR25, realize this, she has no core. You are not the reason she is unhappy. She is, and you can never change that. People, myself included had affairs to validate what was missing. She wasn't married and BF lived 2 hours away. I don't blame you for trying a shot at the title. Don't ever contact her again. Don't look her up on the internet, return an email, text. Pretend she is dead. The best part is you broke up heatedly. That's good, because you can channel the way it ended. A lot of affairs break up at the crest of the love because of D-Day. You have a good catalyst for not contacting her. When you feel the urge, it's just your brain chemistry going through the withdrawal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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