big mess

[nwardoh]

I have a situation that is scaring the hell out of me. I will take you back to the beginning. About 6 years ago I was talking to this girl online a few weeks after breaking up with a girlfriend. We were getting to know each other and all was going well. One evening after work I was talking with her and we both were quite bored so I suggest we meet that night for dinner. She agreed and I took the hour drive to where she lived. Through the evening she told me about how she recently moved back home after leaving the state with her boyfriend and going on a huge drug binge. This was foreign territory for me as to this day I don't even know what pot smells like let alone ever used any form of drug. Actually I have only been "drunk" once in my life.

 

She was pretty run down and all. I was really feeling sorry for her. The next day was the last day at my current job and I was to have 3 weeks before the new job started. That 3 weeks involved almost every day with this new girl going to zoos, museums, movies, dinner... all sorts of things. She told me how she didn't get along with her parents but couldn't move considering the small area she lived in and the lack of jobs. I decided that we were good enough friends at that point and asked her if she wanted to move into my apartment which was in a much larger city until she got on her feet. My intention was truely to help her out with this and nothing else. Well she moved in and after a couple weeks I think she realized that it was in her best interest to stay considering there was a healthy cash flow and all. I got trapped... She told me she wanted to be in this permanately... My mom gave me the religous and moral guilt trips... Next thing I knew she was telling me which ring she wanted. It all happened so fast and I was so scared to simply say no that I went through with it.

 

That was four and a half years ago. Probably 6 months after we were married she started hanging out with some people from work. She was at parties with drugs and going out at least once a week to the clubs and getting completely smashed. I was never invited to go. Her new friends got her smoking pot and everything else. I decided it was time to get out of there. I let her pick a house back in the small town that I grew up in and we purchased it. that was three and a half years ago.

 

Things were a little weird but I chalked it up to me being gone so many hours due to the hour and a half ride to work each way. After about a year she turned up pregnant. I thought everything was going OK and was quite excited. Shortly after our daughter was born she confessed that she had an affair on me with my step brother(major loser which I wish I didn't have to claim). After some checking and stuff I did find out that my daughter was indeed mine. The blame was put on me due to me being gone for work so much. He would come to our home as I left for work and everything. I decided that if it was my fault that I had better forgive and forget that this happened. After about 9 months I was ready to throw in the towel... She decided it was a good time to forget to take her birth control for a week and basically seduced me and next thing I knew she was pregnant again. She knew I wouldn't leave with this happening which I didn't. I now have another daughter. When she found out that she was pregnant this time I quit my job away from home and took a pay cut to be closer to home to spend time with the kids and correct the problem I was accused of creating.

 

We have fought and argued about how hateful she is towards me and to the kids to some extent. I finally told her that I wanted a divorce and her first reaction was to pack the kids up and go to her parents house which is nearly 3 hours away. This is definitely not a healthy environment for them and I needed to get them out of there so I told her to come home. She did. By this time I was so depressed I couldn't function so I went to the doc and got some pills and started talking to a shrink.

 

She realizes that she could easily lose the free ride and be forced into working and everything so she tries to be all sweet and stuff but that hatefulness keeps coming back. There is nearly no intimacy in the relationship and no matter how hard I try nearly zero communication.

 

There is a major education gap between us and with loosing the emotional and never having the intellectual part I felt dead. I am not allowed to have friends or anything which means I have had no conversation with anyone. This marriage is dead.

 

several months ago I happened to meet a very nice young lady while working... We have talked and really gotten to be good friends. She is 6 years younger than me and in college but is very mature and intelligent, more so than most the people that I know my age. We have gotten really close and have talked about the future and what it may hold for us. 2 weeks ago we kissed for the first time. It was amazing. Then a couple days ago we made love. She did kind of freak out afterwards considering that I am still technically married but we talked it through about how its just a piece of paper at this time.

 

Here is my dilema... I wasn't expecting to meet someone with every quality that I found attractive yet. I expected to pick my moment to get out of the marriage and figured I would be single for quite some time but life seems to have a cruel way of letting you know who is in charge. I simply know that if I ignore this new person no matter what the excuse is that getting things started again down the road may be impossible. I can honestly say that she is the first woman I have ever loved. I am trying to figure out a way to get papers filed by the first of the year but am having some trouble.

 

You see, I simply have to have my children with me as much as possible. My wife refuses to work and this means that she would have to move back with her parents meaning if I lose physical placement of the kids I will be relinquished to a weekend dad which I can not do. I have raised these kids to this point almost single handedly. She has basically babysat them while I am at work and when I get home I do the nurturing and parenting... My kids adore me and I love them with everything I am. It would be best for them to be with me, I can supply them what they need when they need it.

 

The problem is in this society especially in this area of the country mothers are still the way they go. The only reason I have seen a father get the kids is when the mother risks killing or abandoning them. She wants the kids to hurt me I believe. I know she thinks I will stay just to be with them but I also know what that would do to them. I can't find a lawyer that has any kind of record as being able to defend a father in a case like this. There is no police records on her, no solid proof that she would be in any way bad for them but I know better.

 

This marriage has been dead for 3 years now. When she cheated she shut off to me and thats when it died. Its been so long and here I have a chance, after 3 years of learning to accept that I will not be married anymore, to truely be happy. I need out of this marriage for so many reasons. My childrens well being, my emotional and intellectual well being, happiness, and love. I love this girl that I met and she feels the same... She is so right for me its almost scary. I want to be with her but at the same time I need my kids with me. She wants to build a life with me and my kids and everything. What do I do? where do I go? How do I get this rolling?

 

- Confused, scared, and excited all at the same time

[Ladyjane14]

Well, you're right about one thing at least.........that's a big mess!

 

The absolute best thing you could do right now is to dump the girlfriend and re-commit yourself to your family. There are lots of ways to do that, beginning with marriage counseling.

 

But, clearly, that's not what you want to do. So, I won't waste your time asking you to consider it. Frankly, if you can't work up a little more human respect for your wife than what you have now, it wouldn't work anyway.

 

The first thing you have to do is to stop lying to yourself. You are under the impression that you were forced into marriage and trapped into fatherhood. Unless it was a 'shot-gun' wedding, and she was giving you mind-altering drugs to get you into her bed.......

 

These fallacies will alter your thinking, and you need a clear head. You are not "technically married". You are cheating on your wife. She may have done it first, but you're doing it now. So, you don't get to be a better person here. Or worse yet, a VICTIM in the circumstances of your own life.

 

Once you accept that you are not the 'nice guy' that you thought you were, you'll be able to move on with the next steps. (See, nice guys, don't have the stomach for taking a woman's children and home from her.)

 

In deciding child-custody, most courts are forbidden from taking gender into account. It is a form of discrimination. Check this site for more info on your particular state: http://www.divorcenet.com/

 

The decision in many states is made based on who currently has the custody and what quality of life (and stability) they are providing to the children.

 

Men don't ask for custody but maybe 20% of the time, but of that small number 80% will be granted it. The trick is to setting up a stable home-life with good daycare before the temporary custody is decided. So hire the best Nanny that you can afford, and make sure the kids stay in the home with you. Then file for Separation.

 

If she moves out and takes them with her you may be looking at a situation in which a 'change in circumstances' must be proved.

 

I have to warn you though. If your wife finds out you are cheating, it'll likely go the other way for you. This could lead to bias in the judge that is NOT surmountable, even though it doesn't signafy in the interpretation of the law.

 

If it's true love, than your little college girl can wait. She may need some time to mature anyway before taking on a ready-made family.

 

I'm sorry to sound harsh with you. It's better to slap a hand than hold it sometimes. And you'll need to very clearly define what your goals and reasons are if you're going to be successful in this venture.

 

Good luck to you.