Weekend mornings are sooo hard!

[thien_to]

Hi All, the weekend mornings are the hardest part. My ex-fiancee and I cancelled our wedding about 7 months ago. She moved out about 5 months ago. She told me three weeks ago that she does not want a relationship with me. Does not want to reconcile, just wants to close this chapter in her life. There is no officiale NC rule in place so I've called her about 6 times. The first couple of times we talked about light subjects and the third was a good discussion of her feelings & position regarding "us" and my feelings & viewpoint on "us". The last few of times I've called she has been "just stepping out" or says "I gotta go" but in a very good tone of voice. A friend of mine said to me that what is happening is that she actually isin't going out or is busy but simply doesn't want to talk to me anymore. This may seem obvious to you but to me it was a startling revelation. It is hard to imagine because she was always straight forward previously about saying "I don't think you should call" or somehow indicating that she wants NC. I would respect her wishes and she would contact me. This time there is no NC rule. Just her avoiding me. This makes me very hurt and a bit angry. I just wish she would let me know. Also as an fyi, I was the one that screwed up our relationship so I am also dealing with guilt as well as the loss of her. So I really cannot be angry at how she is reacting. I guess I'm just frustrated.

 

Anyways I am determined to not call her now although the urge is overwhelming at times. It is especially hard on weekends. I try to keep busy with a new PT job and stuff but I wake up early in the morning and feel just so extremely lonely. I live on the east coast and the few friends I've made sleep in on the weekends and all my family and other friends are in the west coast so I can't call them either. I wake up and try to watch TV but the ache is so great I can't even lose myself in that. I go on the internet and Love shack helps a bit but the pain is so great. I am trying hard to accept the reality that she is not in and does not want to be in my life anymore. I keep thinking there is a slim chance for us but I know that is delusional. I hurt her alot. She says she can never trust me again. I just want her back so much. I have been in therapy (actually we both have been going to therapy. At first together and now seperatly) and know my issues and what I need to change. I have accepted the changes and growth and am continuing to become a better person. I want my ex-fiancee to reap the rewards of this new me. Mornings like this I just want to sweep her up in my arms and never let go. I cannot change the past but I can and am changing myself. I know time will reduce this pain inside but that is small consolation for what is happening right now. It hurts so bad. I'm so sorry for hurting her. I miss her so badly.

[innocntlisy1981]

its weird but im in tha same situation my ex did tha wrong by me so bad,and i know hes changed now to become a better person and he does everything to get me bak.as much s i would lik e to get bak and to tyhe new and changed ex theres sumthing in me that just wont let me do it.its true what they say ;tha damage has been done'u can never change that.i truly dont think!!u cn never get over the hurt.i have tried so bad i want him bak but i just cant do it.sorry it dosnt sound like im writing in ur favour.hope all ends well

[Cabras]

I am sorry you are going through this. I had an earlier post that was somewhat similar. I have almost made it through the weekend, but it has been tough. I have written notes in a journal to myself and have written so much that I can't even figure out what to write anymore. When I call her it doesn't really help. I am waiting for that day that I have gotten over her enough to move on. I may even try going out on a date. Now that I'm not sure I would just take her right back, I realized it could be time to see what dating someone else is like.

 

Find your strength. Live from a stronger place.

 

best wishes.

[tothien]

Thanks for the responses. I broke down and called her again. I was like I could not control my body. I got the answering machine and lest a message asking her to call me back. I really regret not having more will power. This must be just as hard for her and I am not making things easier. I feel like I'm being selfish. I'm just so lost and lonely.

[thien_to]

Thanks for the responses. I broke down and called her again. I was like I could not control my body. I got the answering machine and lest a message asking her to call me back. I really regret not having more will power. This must be just as hard for her and I am not making things easier. I feel like I'm being selfish. I'm just so lost and lonely.

[thien_to]

Oh my god...this is the worst weekend EVER. I've had a couple of weekends under my belt but I don't know why this one hurts SO BAD. I'm constantly out of breath and feeling extremely nervous and anxious. I have zero attention span and being around my friends helps a bit but when I leave them I'm right back to feeling like I'm gonna burst. I just can't seem to do anything but feel pain right now. Nothing is working. I miss her. It hurts so much.

[Cabras]

I had a really tough weekend too. I found out for sure that she is dating someone else. She really likes this guy. I called her and asked her to pick up her last boxes of stuff. She said she would come by and even agreed to go get some coffee with me. I just wanted to see her. Hear her voice you know... Luckily my friends talked some sense into me. I cancelled the coffee and she said she will pick her stuff up some other time. I want her back so bad. I am so mad at myself for blowing it with her, but I am dragging myself to move on. I want her to be curious about me, miss me and want to be back with me. The only way...I have tried almost everything else... Is to be strong and let her come back. I am sending her a Christmas card. If she doesn't call or e-mail before then that will be the next time she hears from me.

 

She knows how much I care about her. That is not the issue. My suggestion would be to keep your dignity. If you aren't sure she knows you care, let her know one last way, but keep it positive. Then make a deal with yourself to give her that space. If she keeps contacting you or tries to , consider yourself lucky. My ex has only called me to "talk" once in a month. Everything else has been "when can I get some more of my stuff?"

 

It would be so wonderful to just have a phone call where we could talk about sports, surfing, or anyhing else besides us.

 

Good luck. I think you will find some of your strength soon. The lingering pain seems to leave strength in it's place.

[igotsomejc4u]

It's odd tho, cause when we are dealing with lost love we act completely differently for the most part. I know in situations when I would contact my ex ONLY when I would be experencing intense emotions from the breakup. I would call her or email her, and without even explaining what was going on with me I would go off on my stupid tangent. Thats not the guy she fell for.

 

Love isn't about longing for the other person to be miserable, or to miss you, or anything. You have to understand that when you experence mutual love its a sacrifice. We seem to like to think that we can do something or other to change their mind, but the issue is in our hearts. You have to come to grips with the fact that you love her so much you just want her to be happy.

 

The key to true love lies in selflessness. It's not about you.

[thien_to]

Well, she came over to pick up the rest of her stuff and just left. I was friendly and helpful and most importantly, I did not say all the things I wanted to say. I didn't try to change her mind or remind her that we had alot of good memories; that there was alot of good times and not only the bad times that she dwells on. I did not say "I love you" although I just wanted to hold her and never let go. I didn't tell her how much I miss her and how sorry I am for hurting her. I kept all of that inside. It was hell. I feel so, drained now. Completely empty and exhausted. I'm too drained to even cry although I feel it in my chest. It's the verge of another weekend and I'm just waiting for the oppressive lonliness to wash over me. I know I sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself. I just wish things were different. All I can do is take deep breaths and take it an hour at a time. I have to realize that the person that I love is gone now. I am loving a memory. A beautiful memory that I will cherish for my whole life. But it is still only a memory...I know I'll make it through this. But damn the journey is painful.

[helena abadi]

i went thru some of the stuff you have, like the panic attacks, feeling totally crushed and zero concentration etc. some professional counselling does help. it helps a whole lot. this is too big to handle by yourself and venting on the internet is a mere band aid. friends mean well, but sometimes their advice isn't so great. an expert who is not involved with the situation, is the best bet.

[thien_to]

Thanks Helena, I am seeing a therapist and it helps greatly. This morning the lonliness hit hard. Realization also hit hard. I think I was in a bit of shock last night. Although I knew this day was coming and that she was getting the rest of her stuff, the finality of everything is still dawning on me. Our last words also haunt me. She said "Well, that's it then. I'll see you. Bye." I said "OK, bye." How can 4 years of living together and 12 years of know ing eachother end so ...limply. There is so much more I want to say and I am despretly trying not to call her so I can say all these things. I love her so much.

[SpaceCoyote]

I didn't try to change her mind or remind her that we had alot of good memories; that there was alot of good times and not only the bad times that she dwells on. I did not say "I love you" although I just wanted to hold her and never let go. I didn't tell her how much I miss her and how sorry I am for hurting her. I kept all of that inside. It was hell. I feel so, drained now. Completely empty and exhausted. I'm too drained to even cry although I feel it in my chest. It's the verge of another weekend and I'm just waiting for the oppressive lonliness to wash over me. I know I sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself. I just wish things were different.

 

Good for you. You remained strong, despite how gut-wrenching it was. I can only imagine, and I am not sure I would have been able to if I had been placed in the same situation. You just have to remember nothing is going to be accomplished by continuously professing your love for her or begging her to come back. At this point, she knows all that; she just doesn't feel the same in return and so isn't inclined to do anything more about it. Even if she does still care or if it hurts her to see you so hurt, she knows she can't give you what you want.

 

Your pain and everything about your story rings so true to me. It could easily be myself telling that story and expressing those feelings of loss and emptiness. What you are going through isn't easy. All I can offer is a conglomeration of advice given to me by friends, people on this board, and from my ex herself:

 

You can't change the way a person feels. And if they don't want to be with you, it doesn' t matter how much you want them. And believe me, that is the WORST feeling in the world to want someone who doesn't want you. I know as well as anyone. But don't you want to be with someone who likes you as much as you like them...who wants to be with you just as much as you want to with them? As a self-respecting human being, you deserve that much from a relationship. Even if she got back together with you, it wouldn't be a healthy relationship because you want it so much more than her, and it would be you doing all the work to keep it together.

 

I wish there was something more I could tell you that would ease your pain. I am still in the daily-crying stage too though, and I have also found out my ex has moved on with someone else. Just know that there are happier days ahead for you...just continue to stay strong and you will get there. Good luck.

[Merin]

Thien, I can honestly say I admire the fact that you've taken responsibility for your part in the break up.. it isn't easy but it will help you in coming to terms with things.

 

Secondly.. I don't know what the circumstances of your living situation are currantly.. if you are locked into a lease or if you own your home? However if there is a way for you to move.. you may want to consider doing so. I say that because there are a lot of "ghost" and memories in the home you shared with her and sometimes I'm sure it makes for a dwelling place that instead of finding comfort or refuge in your home, you find old ghost and memories that are hurtful for what was.

 

Change is never easy.. and when your feeling not so great it's easy to want to stay in bed, pull up the covers and pretend the world has gone away..

 

Perhaps it's time to discover new rituals and set new goals for yourself.. when you get up early and no one else is up to comisirate with.. go running.. I find for me it helps to clear my mind and I feel like I've accomplished something you know? I've done something positive for myself, spend some time alone without feeling lonely.

 

Simplicity is often good.. Some of the hardest days I've ever had in my life were spend "talking" to my Lab he never judged me, always listened.. was always up for the run and loves me unconditionally.. count your blessings in the simple things and work on the harder things as you can.

 

Hope you're feeling good this Saturday Morning:)

[thien_to]

Thanks SC and Merin for your words of encouragment. They really do help to assure that what I am doing is right. I keep second guessing how I handled myself. I keep thinking that she now thinks I don't care about her or am angry at her because I did not say or do the things I normally would i.e. professing my love, telling her how much I missed her, etc. My head is telling me I did the right thing but my heart is paranoid. Well, I'm gonna take Merin's advice and go out for a jog. I'll post a bit more later. Happy holidays everyone and thanks.

[Merin]

Yay! LOL get out there and run..

 

She knows you love her, she knows you miss her.. I know you want to tell her again because I guess in some ways it seems that IF you just tell her enough, she will understand and really know.. and it will somehow make a difference..

 

You've done the right things so far so good.. you took responsibility for what happend, you tried to make ammends.. that is never easy.

 

You've asked her for forgiveness.. now it's time to forgive yourself.

 

[Sukotto]

I agree with merin, telling the person over and over just pushes them away. I told my ex (back dating again!) that I still loved her about 2 months ago and I've never said anything about it since. Now that we've started back dating I still dont plan to say anything about how I feel until the relationship has its foundations sorted again.