Should I believe him?

[Me2004]

Hi, I need to get view and opinion from you in this forum. I am happily married for 18 months now. I love my husband so much and try to be his friend, partner and wife. Before I met my husband, he had a korean girlfriend for two years and we met each other after they broke up (about two months). His ex left him without a word, she done that many times, just as she liked, sometimes one week, sometimes two weeks and sometimes a month. Normally my husband will accept her whenever she came back.

 

We build everythings together in our marriage. I am very supportive for him and so does him. Last month I accidently found email from his ex-gf, she starting contacted my husband about two months ago. She is now living in New Zealand. The funny thing, my husband is going to have a business trip to New Zealand in January, he informed me about this about 2 weeks after they wrote each other...the exact same place where she is living now. I am still upset and curious. I talked to him heart to heart and he told me that it is nothing to do with her and he is not going to see her. He promised to copy me an email to her before he go to New Zealand telling her that he is already married. He said I should just 'trust him'....I did not yelled or accuse him, I just asked him about it. He knows how upset I am.

 

My question is, should I trust him?

[DazednConfused]

You should always trust unless given a reason not to. He married YOU, not her.

 

-Dazed

[alphamale]

Is the business trip to new zealand legit? Can you find out?

 

No one goes to New Zealand for business, it is an island out in the middle of the ocean.

 

I think the writing is on the wall here.

[butterflygrl]

i totally agree with alphamale !! the writing is on the wall... it is so clear he is lyin to you!!

[jmargel]

Just way too much coincidence. Why didn't he tell you before she was emailing him? It's because he didn't want you to find out. Now he is trying to cover his tracks while still wanting to see her. Why can't he take you along? What kind of business is he in and where are you located now? Granted you should trust someone until they break that trust, but he has already broke it by not telling you things (such as emailing). What were in these emails?

 

It's clear the motives of this woman. Tell him you need a vacation and want to go with him. Then see what kind of reaction he has.

[Owl]

Sorry, I've got to agree with the rest of the posts. Too much of a coincidence...so, I'd find a way to ask his boss about this business trip. You might surprise his boss who is convinced that your husband and you are going there on vacation.

 

Time to start looking for other evidence. Put a keylogger on your computer to see if he is still emailing or IMing her. Check his phone records...any personal calls to New Zealand?

 

Good luck.

[tokyo]

It does look strange. And he probably liked her a lot if he always took her back after she left him so many times. I like the idea of one of the posters to take vacation and go with him. He´ll like that

[Anais]

He promised to email her and copy you. That is a good idea. Why he haven't done it yet? Maybe you can wait a bit. I don't think invoving boss is a good idea.

[Nocturnalkitee]

Originally posted by jmargel

. Why can't he take you along?

.

 

If you have the vacation time, see if he want like for you to come along.

[Me200]

Thanks for all the reply. I tried to register but I cannot log in here. Don't know why. To answer the question, I am in United States. Thats a legit business trip, the company pay for it and also I have his itinerary. He is going to visit few universities in NZ. About asking his boss, I don't want to go that far, its out of boundary. He is going to hate me if I do that.

 

I tried to ask him if I can go, but he said this is business trip and furthermore he will be on work most of the day or travelling from one city to another. I can understand that. He has been to few business trips and I never go with him due to I am also working and don't have lots of vacation days. Well, even if I go, who can stop him to see her if he want to? He always can find a way. For me, its better that I make him understand where I stand and make it clear that its going to hurt me if he cheated, I cannot watch him most of the time. He is an adult and he knows what is right and wrong.

 

I only managed to read few of her email to him and its all nothing suspicious. Just asking where he is, what he is doing now and more like a friend email, no love words or whatsoever. I just worry what will happen if they meet.

 

For hiding the email, I asked him about it, he said he knew how I will react. Of course I will be mad. But I asked him why he replied her email...he just kept quiet and answered "I don't know"....I asked him again whether he still in love with her...his aswer was "I don't, but I still care..." Yes, its hurt me, but at least he is honest...I've told him how he feel if he is in my shoes, he said, it will hurt him too....and told me to let him handle it. I asked him if he married me because its the way that he can forget her, he said no...he totally forget her until she wrote him back. Well, I think I lost words there. I try to make everythings normal, and yes its work, but deep in my heart, I am scare and worry. I've told him, just please don't do something stupid coz' we have such a wonderful marriage and life. But I don't know if he don't think the same way. The only answer he gave me...."I found you, you are my wife and I love you. I made my decision long time ago to be with you, and nothing is change".

[VivianLee]

I wish I could make you feel better but my husband went on a business trip to where his ex-girlfriend lived (I didn't know it but they had been in contact for almost 2 years) and he slept with her the minute he got there.....can you go with him??

[michelangelo]

Just use the freakin vacation days and go with him. Don't even ask permission, protect your marriage!

 

If it turns out he is cheating, isn't it great how you messed up his plans?

 

If he is not cheating, isn't it great that you want to protect your marriage?

 

Both alternatives sure beat worrying about what is going on in NZ.

[jmargel]

The only reason I would suggest going with him, is to truly know if it's a business trip. If it is, then going with him is like trying to keep booze away from an alcoholic. You are not doing the alcoholic any good, since the moment you slip up and forget there are booze around, he'll get back to drinking. You husband needs to go on this trip (if he's telling you the truth) and keep it business. That he is NOT going to meet up with her. Ask him that. Ask him if he is going to see her. If he even hestitates a little, then you know your answer. Give him the ultimatium as well. That cheating will ruin the marriage and you will not take him back. No second chances. Also tell him the whole situation makes you uncomfortable and you really would rather him not see her while he's there.

 

He needs to put YOU and this marriage first. If he doesnt then there is no value to it. And your imagination is going to run wild because you have no faith in his words. He has already lied to you. Whether or not your imagination becomes reality is unfortunately totally left upto him.

[Debster]

Yes, you should trust your husband. If you and your husband have never had trust issues before and are happy and these sorts of trips are common in his field - then I think you might be over-reacting. I think going with him is a mistake. It will show the lack of trust you have in him and will make him feel like a child and embarrased at a work function/business trip. Besides, if your husband wants to cheat - he will. Whether or not you are there or not. If however, there are trust issues and you don't think you are happy and these trips are not the norm, then you may have cause for concern.

 

As for why he didn't tell you she was contacting him - it could be because he knew it was innocent. This may put a new perspective on it.

 

Just yesterday, I had an email from an exboyfriend asking if I was married (I recently got married). This was an ex that was the last person I loved before I met my husband. I didn't respond because I don't want him to be a part of my life. Not that I have bad feelings for him, I just want to keep the past in the past. I also thought about whether or not to tell my husband about his email. I finally decided to tell him. He responded fine and asked if I emailed back. I said no. And he said why not? I told him that I didn't have bad feelings towards him I just didn't want him back in my life. He said ok. Point is = my husband said he wouldn't have had a problem if I had emailed back. He trusted me. Even though there was no way I would cheat on my husband, I came very close to not telling him because I thought it was insignificant.

[Owl]

Well...none of us EVER had trust issues until someone burnt us bad enough to create them. My thoughts are pretty straightforward...take a look at the online sites about affairs. You'll see that its pretty darn common that if you have that "gut feeling" that something is going on, it probably is.

 

I never had trust issues with my wife...until she got involved in an online emotional affair with someone she'd never met. I never felt threatened or truly worried about my marriage...until I confronted her about her online relationship, and he bought her plane tickets so that she could fly away and live with him, even tho' they'd never met.

 

My point is, if you're feeling like something is going on, don't discount the feeling. It may well be a business trip...but its damn convenient for him, now isn't it? Have you asked him if he's going to see her while he's there? You might consider asking him that...and I'd seriously suggest putting a keylogger on his computer, and watching what he sends when he gets back. My money says he'll tell you know he's not going to see her...and then you'll see emails back and forth saying how nice it was to have seen each other again.

 

It might all well be nothing...but remember what I said about that gut instinct. And the first thing anyone involved in an affair is going to do when asked is...LIE!!! They're going to do everything they can to convince their spouse that nothing is going on, and "you have nothing to worry about". I'll never forget that phrase for as long as I live.

[michelangelo]

if you feel like going to new zealand just to see the sights while he tours colleges, that sounds like a good enough excuse to me.

 

And there is some security in knowing where he is when you both return to the hotel at night.

[me200]

I know what you mean Owl...and totally agree. I had a very bad experiece with my 10-year ex-bf. He cheated over me over 20 times but I keep forgiving but its eaten me inside. So when I met my husband, I feel that I am the luckies woman in the world....until now. All the things that happened to me keep coming back and I starting to have 'trust' issue coz' I've been there once. He knew about this too.

 

I asked me probably every two days (either serious or jokingly) whether he is going to see his ex. All the times he said very firmly 'NO'. But I cannot lie that I still thinking the possibilities. Well, I told him clearly that if I know he cheated, there is no turning back. I will be gone. For me, if he cheated, obviously he doesn't know how to appreciate our marriage and I will know where I stand. I am tired of being spy and knowing things that hurt my feeling from my previous relationship. Thats why I think I can take this easily and I don't jump or yell like I did with my last relationship. I just want him to be honest.

 

He is not using home computer to send the email. I found the emails while I accompanied him back to his office to pick up something. So there will be no way I can see any emails from home computer. He never has any NZ calls in his phone or any suspicious calls. But I really don't know if he do his activities from work. I just so tired thinking about this. I just need peace of mind.

[sweetey147]

if I were you i would try my BEST to go with him.....I would try until i KNEW i couldn't go....yes, he might tell you, "i married you and you only, i love you and not her that's why i married you" but i think that is just a cop out when your here in the US and he's in NZ where you are NOWHERE TO BE FOUND and there is no one there that you know that could help you out.....i'd be pretty darn suspicious!!!! sorry to bust your bubble but that is just my opinion! GOOD LUCK

[mental_traveller]

I think this is a case where you should have a reasonable doubt. Keep an open mind, but don't leave yourself open to being played for a fool.

 

Think about the odds - what is the chance he would be going to the *exact* same place on the other side of the planet that his ex happens to live? Whilst trust is important, unfortunately not everyone in this world is trustworthy. There is such a thing as too much trust - it's called being gullible.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would act along, say I believe him etc, but I would damn sure hire a private investigator to follow him off the plane and see if he meets this woman. If I were married, and in the same shoes as your husband, I would not get mad at my wife if she did that under these circumstances - I'd find it rather touching that she cared enough to check out I was being faithful to her, and would understand her doubts, given the unusual coincidence and past history involved.

 

The only way you are going to find out if your husband is cheating is by entertaining the possibility that he might be, and investigating it. You will never find out just by asking him - a cheater will always be able to lie their way out of it, for years if necessary. No, the only way to know for sure is to check things out yourself, with a bit of guile and cunning. Don't put yourself in a position where your inherent good trusting nature allows you to be played for a fool.

[me20]

Thanks Mental_Traveller,

 

I know what you meant... I do. Trust me, I do not trust any men 100%. I just take it easy and play along. Even if he lied, there will be something that he will careless about (knowing him). There will be lots of items that he will bring home and one of it must show it (if he cheating), such as receipts of credit cards and hotel bills. He may use cash, but along the road, he will stumble. Honest and good people always have luck and the bad side will show itself even without you trying to dig it. Few months ago I had a few dreams and I'm quite reading into dreams and I know exactly what it meant, specially when any of my dreams regards to my ring, my hair and my clothes. If I dream someone try to take my ring or wearing my clothes, that means, my marriage is in trouble. Different ppl will get different signs.

[KissMyTiara]

Act like the U.S. did towards the Soviet Union during the Cold War: Trust, but Verify.

[Me20000]

Hi guys,

 

So I come back here to update. My hubby is in NZ now. As I predicted he met her at the airport. I managed to get into his secret email and read all the emails that they sent to each other since October 2004. Its hurt me soooo deeply. But I prepared actually, coz' deep down I know this will happen.

 

My next step, I emailed that girl that I am his wife (my hubby didn't tell her about me). She thought he is still single. The first day my hubby day, she got the email. I called my hubby at the hotel and he answered it, I asked where that girl and she said she went home. Its turned out that this girl actually already have a boyfriend but maybe having problem and try to contact my hubby.

 

I was devastated coz' my husband lied to me, its felt the whole world crushed on my head! At first I was sit quietly, then cried...then NUMB. I made a decision to call his mother coz' I am really close to her, and I also called his bestfried of 20 years. His bestfriend's wife came over to stay with me for a night to confort me and I cannot sleep the whole night and I didn't eat anything for more than 40 hours. I don't feel hungry at all. Then on the second day, my hubby asked me to call the hotel coz' its cheaper that way (I have calling card ready to call him before he went there).

 

He said they already agreed not to contact each other anymore. I just so upset and surprisingly I didn't yell or scream at him. She knew about me know and my hubby said he just cannot think straight since she contacted him and he thought his feeling for her still there and then when his boss asked him to go NZ for a job, he thought that was a sign that they suppose to be together. So he wants to see if there is any more feeling for her and he took the risks. He said, when he saw her at the airport, he knew that something not right and he do not have that feeling anymore...he told me actually he hold only to 'past memory' about her and thought it still real. This girl dumped him without a word before he met me.

 

He supposely stay there until 31st, but he said he cancel all the plan with her and come back as soon as he can, so he already changed his flight and keep calling me every hour and he cried on the phone saying that he cannot believe he put me through this and that he hurt me so badly...he promised that he will make it up and will never ever hurt my feeling anymore. He said he don't know where he put his brain when he is doing this and told me that he is stupid. He said he was glad that I stop him from made the most stupid things in his life and he will never ever forgive himself if our marriage broken.

 

That girl emailed me back and told me that there was nothing happen....I didn't ask about it. I don't even want to believe anything. My hubby talked with his bestfried about his feeling and said how much he regret what he is doing and cannot wait to come back to me and told him that he even cannot touch that girl coz' feel so wrong. Actually when my husband flight landed, I was at work and suddently I cannot do anything, my heart beat so strong and fast...I knew that something was going on...I just close my eyes and pray that he is not going to do something that he will regret such as sleeping with her.

 

Now...we talked almost every few hours through phone...most of the time I cannot stop crying...I still and do love him, and he asked my forgiveness and cried too. Most of the women will leave, but I am going to give him another chance....am I doing the right thing?

[jmargel]

He has lied to you for a long time. If you let him get off easy, it will happen again. If I were you, I would make him goto marriage counseling with you. Although he did not have sex with her, he cheated on you with his heart, which to me is worse.

[me20000]

Thanks JMargel, I already plan about counselling, I would like him to learn how to stop lying. Sometimes I noticed that lie is a natural things to him and I wonder if he believe lies sometimes the reality. I just wonder if there are real honest men, for the rest of my life I only found a cheater. My ex for 11 years also a great cheater and when I found my husband now, I thought it will change, but obviously not. I just so want to give up on man. I really don't know where I do wrong or it just my fate. I thought I am giving the best for the marriage. I am an attractive woman, have a good job, I cook dinner 5 times a week when I got home from work, I clean the house spotless, I do most of whole housework while he play his game on the computer, I iron his clothes, I gave him great sex, I went out with him for repelling and join his circle of friends and involve in his hobby event I never done that before. I am an asian but I want to make him happy by hosting Thanksgiving Dinner and Christmas Dinner for his family and cook wonderful western meals (which I never done before)I leave my country, my wonderful career, my whole family, my new house and car just to be with him in the United States. But still...I don't know what is going wrong I have to figure out may be its a natural things for men to cheat.

[GirlDown]

even if he did copy an email, what's to stop him from sending another one to the other woman saying "sorry, my wife made me send that, i didn't mean it so let's get it on."... ?

 

i agree with other posters...way, way too much of a coincidence.