Here We Go Again...Why Won't He Stop Facebeook Flirting?

[Galaxias]

Been dating this guy for like a year and a half, he's amazing in every way but one: we've had a couple of deals where his flirting has led to problems, like women feeling like they were being led on kind of problems. Like me wondering if he's saying to them what he says to me kind of problems.

 

Anyway, so he has a bunch of female friends on Facebook, and some of them post kind of suggestive things on his wall sometimes. I asked him about one of them and he said he couldn't understand why she'd post something like that because they don't "talk that way". But then, she posts a picture and he's right away liking the picture and posting how hot she looks and like wow and stuff.

 

I'm like if you said you guys never post flirty with each other, what the hell is all this liking and commenting and wow stuff?

 

This is really bothering me, especially after some previous incidents, and especially after we totally talked about this specific woman, and how this type of posting/flirting/whatever bothers me.

 

I'm trying to play it off and not make a big deal about it, because ultimately I know he's with me and all, but it really feels disrespectful and it really hurts. I don't know how he knows her, I don't know anything about her, even though I've asked him. I just don't like this feeling that here we go again, especially because he only broke off the friendship with an earlier "friend" after it became a big deal. Like her stalking him because he was leading her on big deal. Otherwise, he'd be "liking" and flirting with her still, too, I'm sure.

 

So, how do I handle this or what? This guy just doesn't seem to get it, or maybe he doesn't care and he'd rather make some other woman (and himself) feel good for a moment, even if it makes me feel like **** for a long time.

 

I haven't said anything, and the sad part is, he's actually been trying to cheer me up, apparently doesn't even have a clue that part of the reason I've been feeling down lately is because of what HE keeps doing...

[emva07]

Because he doesn't care to change.

 

Enjoy.

[Philosoraptor]

He's flirting with other women. No difference online or in person. You're unhappy with it but you've shown you'll let it go. If there are no consequences for his behavior why should he stop? He certainly doesn't care enough about your feelings to do it on his own.

[Galaxias]

Because he doesn't care to change.

 

Enjoy.

 

Ha ha, that's hilarious. Sad, but hilarious.

[Galaxias]

He's flirting with other women. No difference online or in person. You're unhappy with it but you've shown you'll let it go. If there are no consequences for his behavior why should he stop? He certainly doesn't care enough about your feelings to do it on his own.

 

Besides just moving on, what consequences CAN there be? Him asking how long he'll have to pay for his mistake? Me starting to not give a **** and be like **** it?

 

No difference online or in person. You've just hit it on the head. Bam. Thank you.

[emva07]

Girls are being let on ..... Soon it'll turn to more if it hasn't already. Denial will only hurt you in the end.

 

You can break up with him but he will just find ways to weasel back into your life promising he will change and all but he won't. If anything he will find ways to hide it better. Once you start that taking him back game, it's a done deal. He won't change.

 

That's why I said enjoy. It'll be a miserable ride.

[Galaxias]

What makes you so sure? All the red flags are there. (I'm sorry.)

 

Well, that's another thing I'm trying to figure out in that case...he is very loving, very devoted, very caring, spends all his free time with me...like I said, this is the ONE thing that he does that sucks, and I don't know why or how to handle it more than I have.

[Galaxias]

And also, why do these women seem to have no problem flirting right back, when it totally SAYS he's in a relationship online and there are pictures of us together all the time? Do people really not care?

[tlegend]

And also, why do these women seem to have no problem flirting right back, when it totally SAYS he's in a relationship online and there are pictures of us together all the time? Do people really not care?

 

I am currently dealing with something like this myself, so this hits very close to home. I don't mean to hijack your thread, but I would like to share a bit just because it so closely relates to what you're going through.

 

I recently got into a relationship that started off fairly rocky. It moved quite quickly, and due to some circumstances, we began this relationship a little earlier than I normally would.

 

Now, on a few occassions, I've had to sit and listen to her tell me about how past x-lovers have been contacting on her facebook.

 

It's very clear from some of the messages that they are looking to hook up. She has volunteered most of this information, and has respected me in most of their communication (letting them know she's in a relationship, etc)

 

Except for this last time, she got a voicemail AND a text from this guy she hooked up with a few times before we got together. Funny thing is, as she was telling me about him, she let it slip that she had sent a text saying she had an amazing "trip" with him. This "trip" was purely sexual, and this text was sent to him AFTER she had made it clear that she was in a committed relationship.

 

Well, needless to say, that really bothered me. She basically left this guy an opening AFTER she declared she was with me.

 

I let her know that I didn't appreciate that, and I wouldn't accept it. She knows of my tragic history and why I have been single since the birth of my son almost 3 years ago. It's very hard for me to trust anyone anymore, and this whole situation almost caused me to run.

 

I still feel like I have to walk on eggshells, and I'm very concerned that I may have just saw the corner of something bigger that I wasn't meant to see. I sometimes feel that maybe the trust is lost already, and that I'm hoping for something that will never happen.

 

Ugh, after reading everything, I now wonder if this red flag is more serious than I originally thought....

 

 

/endrant

 

So, in your situation, and from my perspective, it's bull**** what he's doing and I suggest you give him an ultimatum.

 

MY 2 cents.

[TheGuard13]

While he may well be flirting with them (trust your gut), posting "Wow" and "You look hot" and such...that's actually pretty common on Facebook among certain groups of people. Friends, coworkers, you name it. It's just something that's started to happen on there. Someone posts a picture, and a bunch of people tell them how hot they look or make some flirty, sexy comment that they may or may not mean.

[Galaxias]

Galaxias, I'm going to assume I'm considerably older than you and give you the benefit of my years of experience.

 

I've lost count of all the guys who put on a big show of being the dedicated, devoted and oh-so-loving boyfriend/husband while they're in the company of their wives or girlfriends. But man, let the wife or girlfriend go home early or go into another room or something, and this same dedicated and oh-so-loving guy suddenly turns into a slithering snake, scoping out the room and humping the legs of any female he can get close enough to. It's actually vomit-inducing to watch and I've seen it SO many damned times that it's not funny.

 

The one thing I've always noticed is that it's usually the women who claim, "I know he's with ME," or, "my husband would NEVER cheat on ME," whose men are acting like this the minute they leave the room.

 

Moral of the story: No one deserves your blind trust. That will get you steamrolled.

 

I know exactly what you're saying...I just keep thinking, oh PLEASE don't let him be that guy...that's why I keep hoping he's just an idiot who doesn't get it. Slim chance of that, eh?

[Galaxias]

While he may well be flirting with them (trust your gut), posting "Wow" and "You look hot" and such...that's actually pretty common on Facebook among certain groups of people. Friends, coworkers, you name it. It's just something that's started to happen on there. Someone posts a picture, and a bunch of people tell them how hot they look or make some flirty, sexy comment that they may or may not mean.

 

I've thought of that, and that's a cool way of looking at it, except that he still hasn't let on how he knows this woman (waaaaayyy too reminiscent of what happened with that other woman from the incident)...if I knew, oh, she was a classmate or a former coworker or whatever. But no, she's just "a friend". I've asked directly and not gotten a clear answer. I have no problem with friends, hell, I've got "friends" but I'm very upfront about who they are and what they represent in my life. AND, I don't comment on how hot they look in their pictures...

[Galaxias]

I am currently dealing with something like this myself, so this hits very close to home. I don't mean to hijack your thread, but I would like to share a bit just because it so closely relates to what you're going through.

 

I recently got into a relationship that started off fairly rocky. It moved quite quickly, and due to some circumstances, we began this relationship a little earlier than I normally would.

 

Now, on a few occassions, I've had to sit and listen to her tell me about how past x-lovers have been contacting on her facebook.

 

It's very clear from some of the messages that they are looking to hook up. She has volunteered most of this information, and has respected me in most of their communication (letting them know she's in a relationship, etc)

 

Except for this last time, she got a voicemail AND a text from this guy she hooked up with a few times before we got together. Funny thing is, as she was telling me about him, she let it slip that she had sent a text saying she had an amazing "trip" with him. This "trip" was purely sexual, and this text was sent to him AFTER she had made it clear that she was in a committed relationship.

 

Well, needless to say, that really bothered me. She basically left this guy an opening AFTER she declared she was with me.

 

I let her know that I didn't appreciate that, and I wouldn't accept it. She knows of my tragic history and why I have been single since the birth of my son almost 3 years ago. It's very hard for me to trust anyone anymore, and this whole situation almost caused me to run.

 

I still feel like I have to walk on eggshells, and I'm very concerned that I may have just saw the corner of something bigger that I wasn't meant to see. I sometimes feel that maybe the trust is lost already, and that I'm hoping for something that will never happen.

 

Ugh, after reading everything, I now wonder if this red flag is more serious than I originally thought....

 

 

/endrant

 

So, in your situation, and from my perspective, it's bull**** what he's doing and I suggest you give him an ultimatum.

 

MY 2 cents.

 

I don't feel like you're hijacking the post, it just seems like you feel you're going through something similar. reading your situation, I feel like what your GF is doing is quite a bit more blatant than what my poor slob of a BF is doing (great, now I'm feeling sorry for him for being such an idiot). But you have also hit the nail right on the head. The issue is that these people are leaving the door open to this kind of problem. Why can't they just STOP?

[Galaxias]

Oh FFS. What is this tool, 16 years old?

 

 

.

 

Ok, THAT just made my day!!

[ExpatInItaly]

Ugh, his behaviour sucks.

 

In no way should you let this one slide or play it off. He knows it's upsetting to you, and yet he continues to do it. He doesn't take it, you or your relationship very seriously if he keeps this up.

 

You said he is kind, devoted, dedicated and so on. OP, he isn't as devoted or dedicated as you wish. If he were, he'd have stopped this the first time you told him how you felt.

[Galaxias]

While he may well be flirting with them (trust your gut), posting "Wow" and "You look hot" and such...that's actually pretty common on Facebook among certain groups of people. Friends, coworkers, you name it. It's just something that's started to happen on there. Someone posts a picture, and a bunch of people tell them how hot they look or make some flirty, sexy comment that they may or may not mean.

 

Just re-read this, and that's all good, except for the simple fact that it bothers me (for whatever reason), I've TOLD him it bothers me, people outside the relationship have taken it as him meaning it, and bottom line, if this has been an issue before, why not think a little before posting a single word that can cause so much grief?

[TheGuard13]

I've thought of that, and that's a cool way of looking at it, except that he still hasn't let on how he knows this woman (waaaaayyy too reminiscent of what happened with that other woman from the incident)...if I knew, oh, she was a classmate or a former coworker or whatever. But no, she's just "a friend". I've asked directly and not gotten a clear answer. I have no problem with friends, hell, I've got "friends" but I'm very upfront about who they are and what they represent in my life. AND, I don't comment on how hot they look in their pictures...

 

How much have you probed into who this girl is and how he knows her?

 

Is it "Who's that girl?", "Just a friend"?

 

Or have you actually asked him directly who she is to him, and communicated that you feel the need to know for personal reasons?

 

Here's the thing...you can't just look at what you do, and then look at what someone else does, and decide that what they're doing makes no sense just because you yourself don't do that.

 

Just re-read this, and that's all good, except for the simple fact that it bothers me (for whatever reason), I've TOLD him it bothers me, people outside the relationship have taken it as him meaning it, and bottom line, if this has been an issue before, why not think a little before posting a single word that can cause so much grief?

 

What is it that bothers you, exactly?

 

Because to be honest, when it comes to his public correspondence on Facebook, hey, you're free to have your opinion and free to leave him if you don't like it, but you can't tell the guy what to write and not write on a public website.

 

People outside the relationship have taken him as meaning what, specifically?

 

He might well mean whatever it is he's saying. But what is he saying that concerns you so much?

 

This is all just a little vague. If a girl posts a photo and he says "Wow, looking good!" or "Hot!" or some combination of these things, I don't think that's quite as criminal or concerning as say, secretly flirting with someone.

 

This part, which was equally vague, is more concerning.

 

we've had a couple of deals where his flirting has led to problems, like women feeling like they were being led on kind of problems.

 

What's that mean, exactly?

Edited October 11, 2013 by TheGuard13

[ForeverHopeful1]

I dated a guy like this except it was dating sites. Facebook didnt exist. Lol. Turned out, he was having sex with everyone but me. Thank ****.

[emva07]

yeah I'm sorry but he whole lovey dovey devoted bf that does everything for you doesn't prove he's not an ass.

 

Not all cheaters act cold and distant when they cheat....some take the other route and become a lot more romantic.

 

My bf super romantic, did everything for me, touchy, we had sex every day....that didn't stop him from cheating. I was just the main chick. These guys love to feel loved, so they are naturally romantic....and if he's leading girls on....well he's being sweet and loving to them too right?

[Leigh 87]

I have seen genuinely in love couples...

 

When a guy is head over head for you, he doesn't comment on other girls facebook pictures, calling them "hot"

 

Look, I am sure he isn't some sociopath with no feelings or empathy; I am SURE he does like you very much.

 

Plenty of guys out there have relationships with ladies they are not all THAT in love with or crazy about. They really like you and enjoy having a relationship with you, but they themselves don't realise that hey, you're not the "one" for them, and what they have going with you is rather pleasurable (sex, company, a best friend).

 

I DO think he cares about you okay, I don't like to think that ALL guys are heartless A holes with no feelings whatsoever.

He has spend time with you and he wouldn't do that if you meant NOTHING to him; there are not all THAT many guys who spend months and all their free time with girls they don't have ANY regard for.

 

Let me explain it like this: he is not nuts about you. You don't " do it" for him. He therefore thinks of HIMSELF and his OWN selfish needs ahead of your own a lot more than a guy who genuinely cherished you would.

 

 

...It really is that simple though: guys who are really in love with you and are decent guys, don't do what this guy is doing.

 

He is either not in love with you, but has grown to love you and the relationship on a lesser level

 

OR

 

He loves you as much as he can really love a girl, and he lacks empathy and the ability to really love because he is, well, heartless really. Not capable of true love.

 

 

 

Take your pic, and, errm. " enjoy":lmao:

 

 

 

I doubt you will break it off with him. Most girls think they can change a guy and somehow twist things around, because they think surely the guy MUST be crazily in love with them deep down. Really....