Broli2001122 Posted December 5, 2004 Share Posted December 5, 2004 Okay, my girlfriend and I have beeen together for about 3 months. This past weekend she went to see a friend of her's at a Blue's Brolthers concert I couldn't go. She liked him as more than a friend but not at much as me. He's 41, she trustes him, and he won't even talk to her unless her parents are there. But she doesn't know what to do. She wants to tell him but is afraid to lose their friendship. Mean while she's afraid I am hurt or going to break up with her because of this. However, I understand childish crushes like that I had one. She feels guilty because she likes some one else as a boyfriend that isn't me and won't accept that fact that unless she cheats on me in some way it won't bother me. What I am asking is what do I tell her or do for her to let her know I still love her? Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted December 5, 2004 Share Posted December 5, 2004 Very confusing post. Can you tell me: * How old are you and your gf? * Are you saying that this 41 year old is coming on to her? * If so, is she receptive, disgusted, or somewhere in between? * What outcome do you want - for your gf never to see the 41 year old again, or just keep it platonic with him? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 5, 2004 Share Posted December 5, 2004 She told you she had feelings for someone else but doesn't act on them? Then you have 100% of her body but only half of her heart (if that much, it sounds like she keeps a good selfish portion to herself as well). If you are satisfied with that and can love her under those terms, then you can tell her that you are fine with her hanging out with this guy. If you are not happy with the idea of being one of the two men in her life, then you need to let her know that. Its not just her happiness thats important here: you deserve to be happy too. You have a right to let her know how you feel, and she needs to respect that. If she is unwilling to give up being with this guy that she has already told you she has feelings for, then you need to make a choice: accept it or move on to someone who will love you wholeheartedly, not just half-heartedly. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted December 5, 2004 Share Posted December 5, 2004 Hello, I doubt if the roles were reversed that she would accept this. The question is why you would wish to accept this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Broli2001122 Posted December 5, 2004 Author Share Posted December 5, 2004 We are both 15. No, she is having a childish crush on him he isn't doing anything to her. He did kiss her on the cheek and give her a hug but she only returned the hug. I want them to stay friends but I need her to lose the exceptionally strong feelings for him before they become stronger than they are for me. He is unaware that she likes him. She is far from selfish. And I love her. Note that I avoid giving our age because I am tired of being lectured about it. Let's face it. In today's society you childhood ends at 12 if your lucky. Just because we're still growing doesn't mean a thing. So please help me as if it was use 25 and him 51 if that'll help. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 5, 2004 Share Posted December 5, 2004 Originally posted by Broli2001122 We are both 15. Oh my. That really changes it up a bit. No matter what her feelings are for him, she needs to distance herself from him as long as she is having those feelings. All it is asking for is trouble. I mean real, LEGAL trouble. Good heavens. Having a crush is one thing, but telling that person who is LEGALLY OFF LIMITS won't do anything but cause a whole truckload of problems. What on earth does she expect is going to happen if she tells him how she feels? If the man is smart he'll ask her to leave him alone. Period. End of discussion. No more contact. If he is even remotely self-protective, he will not want to have a friendship with a 15 year old girl who tells him that she is in love with him. You have to question why she is so frantic not to lose his "friendship". Is it really friendship she wants from him? Tell you that you love her. Ask her not to see this guy anymore. Neither your g/f or this man needs trouble like that in their lives. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted December 6, 2004 Share Posted December 6, 2004 Are you saying that this 41 year old guy took her to a concert? How is that consistent with saying they never talk except in the presence of her parents? And does he really hug her and kiss her, even on the cheek, in front of her parents? Unless he truly is a longtime, very trusted family friend, this is inappropriate behavior. And knowing that she has a crush on him makes it inappropriate no matter WHAT her age. I understand what you are asking when you request that your age not be factored into our advice. You don't want to be given the "puppy love" treatment. But the fact is, your age and expecially HER and HIS ages are crucial to this story. A 25 yo woman would be very unlikely to have a crush on a much older man, just because he's older, or to think that this was compatible with having a different person as her bf. A 15 yo girl is highly "crush-prone". That's why we don't marry them off at this age in our industrialized society. She feels guilty...she likes some one else as a boyfriend...[she] won't accept that fact that unless she cheats on me...it won't bother me Well, if you were a 25 yo married couple, we would call her relations with the 51 yo man an "emotional affair" or EA. That means that her emotions and longing are focussed on HIM, even occasionally, not on you. Please read the other forums on the pain that EA cause. Many people say that it is worse than physical infidelity. I would advise you both to seriously review your commitment to your marriage, and then to head over to <URL removed> to learn about the serious work you will need to do to get your r/s back on track. I don't refer 15 yo to http://www.marriagebuilders.com, simply because their advice applies to r/s that have a lifetime commitment associated with them. No matter your feelings for this girl - and I believe they are strong - you are not married to her. You have not pledged to stay together forever. what do I [say] or do...to let her know I still love her? Which kind of love? You can say 1) "Hey, we can still be bf/gf. I don't mind you mooning over the 41 yo, since I know you don't have the guts to let him go too far." 2) "I am very worried about the role he is beginning to play in your thoughts. I am asking you to stop seeing him, stop hugging him, stop kissing him, and preferably stop thinking about him. Otherwise, I cannot go on being your bf because I can't watch you hurt yourself like this." Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts