WishfulThinking74 Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 I don't really need a bunch of BS's to tell me I'm stupid for "banging" a married man...let's just start there. My MM made a lot of promises to me. He wanted to marry me, the whole nine yards. He even begged me NOT to use birth control. He wanted to plan trips, look at houses, meet my kids. I was the one who backed off when his promises of moving out were not being met. When I started to pressure him, he freaked out and has gone away to "work on leaving" but I think he is really "working on staying married without being caught." How do I get beyond this raging anger I have toward him for leading me down a road to a broken heart. I didn't need this. I was okay as a single mom, but he hooked me in good. Now I want to make him suffer. OW/OM (only) How did you deal with these emotions? How long did they take to subside? Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 Well I am a current BS but I have been a MOW in my past. You feel anger because you feel like you were duped and it is a very normal reaction. If you didn't feel any anger I would be concerned. Anger is also a stage of grief and since you have had this break with MM I am positive you are probably grieving. Do you have any friends or family you could talk to? Even a counselor. If you can find an IC I would highly suggest that to help you navigate through all of the tough emotions. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 The best revenge is a life well lived. Try to move on and live a happy life. You can't make him hurt. If he was lying and just led you on, he probably doesn't have much of a conscience so you can't hurt him that way. You could out him to his BS, but that's probably the most you could hurt him and that's not personally something that *I* would want to do. I'm sorry for your pain. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author WishfulThinking74 Posted October 11, 2013 Author Share Posted October 11, 2013 Well I am a current BS but I have been a MOW in my past. You feel anger because you feel like you were duped and it is a very normal reaction. If you didn't feel any anger I would be concerned. Anger is also a stage of grief and since you have had this break with MM I am positive you are probably grieving. Do you have any friends or family you could talk to? Even a counselor. If you can find an IC I would highly suggest that to help you navigate through all of the tough emotions. Thank you. Yes, I'm seeing a counselor. He is a bit dismissive about my relationship situation...kind of does a "Well you shouldn't have done that" type of thing and directs me to meet someone available. Yeah, helpful after the fact, right? I do have a friend I've shared this with and she is good support. The affair was isolative, for obvious reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 (edited) Find a different counselor. You feel rage because you feel betrayed. I've learned through this that betrayal hurts like nothing else because it is caused by someone you trusted and seems very unnecessary. I'm one year NC and still dealing with it. My life has gotten better, my M has gotten better, the aftermath of the A is still there, still cycling. If he's like most, he has no idea or many thoughts on how bad he hurt you. You just need to keep going and process it. It gets annoying, because I'm thinking that I'm still dealing with him while he brushed it off and continued as usual. Accept you are the losing part. It helps to not go back to get validation that you mattered or a different ending. Edited October 11, 2013 by cutedragon Link to post Share on other sites
Cali408 Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 Revenge is a dish best served cold. Meaning Infinite patience now will pay huge dividends in the long run. Get back at him by loving yourself and living a great, happy life. Choose to have one and you will. When you have total apathy, you have revenge. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 The most important part of healing after something like this is to remove him from your life completely, totally, permanently. If that's in place...the start focusing on filling your life/time/thoughts with things OTHER than him, than the what if's, the memories. Take up a new hobby, resume an old one. Exercise and work out...taking up martial arts in a time like this can help tremendously. It tires the mind and body, it fills the time you used to spend with him with activity and focus. Make sure you've got a good support system in place...family and friends who can be there for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thecharade Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 You really have gotten very good advice in this thread, very accurate and healthy and supportive. I felt much as you did, but for different reasons. I have never hit anyone in my life, never held a grudge or wished anyone harm, so the anger I felt was foreign and scary. I still feel it at moments, but nothing like the venomous rage I felt a year ago. I certainly feel a kinship when I read of BS rage, even though I never had that kind of commitment. But when you trust someone, be it marriage or family or friendship or long-term R, the pain over the loss + the betrayal is overwhelming! It's totally normal to be enraged. I fantasized about hurting my exMM. Badly. In so many different ways. But (thankfully) my desire to keep his BS and kids from harm kept me from following through on anything. I can feel anger now but enough distance and personal responsibility to see it would have been so immature and petty and humiliating to act out against him. People get hurt. I got hurt. But it would not have excused my vindictive actions. I am happy to say that I channeled my anger into positives, self soothing, personal growth, and compassion. It was hard at times to keep turning the anger around and rethink and change the channel in my head, but it was worth it. Instead of feeling I have nothing to show for my grief, I feel I have an inner peace and wisdom that I didn't have before. A life well lived and a you well taken care of (by you!) will cure your anger in time. Best wishes. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
yellowmaverick Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 I don't really need a bunch of BS's to tell me I'm stupid for "banging" a married man...let's just start there. My MM made a lot of promises to me. He wanted to marry me, the whole nine yards. He even begged me NOT to use birth control. He wanted to plan trips, look at houses, meet my kids. I was the one who backed off when his promises of moving out were not being met. When I started to pressure him, he freaked out and has gone away to "work on leaving" but I think he is really "working on staying married without being caught." How do I get beyond this raging anger I have toward him for leading me down a road to a broken heart. I didn't need this. I was okay as a single mom, but he hooked me in good. Now I want to make him suffer. OW/OM (only) How did you deal with these emotions? How long did they take to subside? Just be careful with anger and revenge. Don't do anything to hurt yourself further. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 I don't really need a bunch of BS's to tell me I'm stupid for "banging" a married man...let's just start there. My MM made a lot of promises to me. He wanted to marry me, the whole nine yards. He even begged me NOT to use birth control. He wanted to plan trips, look at houses, meet my kids. I was the one who backed off when his promises of moving out were not being met. When I started to pressure him, he freaked out and has gone away to "work on leaving" but I think he is really "working on staying married without being caught." How do I get beyond this raging anger I have toward him for leading me down a road to a broken heart. I didn't need this. I was okay as a single mom, but he hooked me in good. Now I want to make him suffer. OW/OM (only) How did you deal with these emotions? How long did they take to subside? Does your house need renovating? Sledge hammer meet wall! Seriously. Or join a gym and punch the shi.t out of a punching bag. your MM and any other MM who future fakes like that and makes such plans is REALLY F'ed in the head. I hope soon you find peace because he is not worth all your tears, your anger or any head space/thoughts in your mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KentuckyGent Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 Anger in these types of situations isn't necessarily a bad thing. I'm not saying act on it, but sometimes anger helps from feeling so heartbroken. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 Anger in these types of situations isn't necessarily a bad thing. I'm not saying act on it, but sometimes anger helps from feeling so heartbroken. Good point KG. At least I'm stuck in anger and not in longing. I'd also like to know when I'm going to move beyond it, however. Perhaps it is time for an astrologer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
blue963 Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 maybe find another counselor...he may be bringing his own issues/agenda into your therapy. Your counselor should be willing to support and explore anything that is important for you to heal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
egalew Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 It's close to one year for me and yes I still feel anger, but not as intense. I cycle through emotions. However, when I look back now on the relationship, it was a crazy, wild time packed with all his drama, chaos and lies. Never again do I want to be in such a sad place. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hippetyhop Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 My A ended 3 months ago, and that is how I feel. I'm going through the anger stages right now. It's tough; but I try and put that negative energy into something better for me. Do the same for you. Link to post Share on other sites
GypsumSatellite Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 As with all things I've experienced in the A with my MM, it has just taken time and an acceptance that this is how this man operates. Nothing to do with me, but everything to do with him. My MM has that "don't use BC" thing in common with your MM. I recognized it for what it was: control. Wanted to get me pregnant because he thought that ensured his role in my life. I made sure I stayed current on my BC, as a result. I own up to the fact both my MM and I were in vulnerable places when we began. That helps my anger cool down a bit. I take note of where my behavior and his behavior were coming from and work to change that within me which allowed it all to happen. His tools don't work quite as well as they used to, as a result. I no longer react the way he expects, either. As far as your anger over his talk of the future and that sinking feeling it won't come to pass - just use that anger to make a firm list of what you want and need from people in your life. You're a single mom, you're a tough cookie. This MM of yours knew this. He wanted you to want him. But you don't want an empty promise, you want firm ground to stand on. Use that knowledge to your advantage, not for revenge. Just require those in your life you only take in feet-on-the-ground situations. That'll continue to sort out the questionable with the real. Link to post Share on other sites
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