Overcoming loneliness as a virgin

[Ryan R.]

Everyone gets lonely at times. Everyone does. It's normal. But I'm not asking how to overcome loneliness as a regular person, I'm asking how to do so coming from the perspective of someone who has never had any type of beyond-friendship relationships with women. I know people who get lonely because they don't have a significant other. Well, I've never had that. They at least have some guarantee that it can happen for them again. Lightening can strike twice in dating. Usually, people get the experience with the opposite sex somewhere in the teen years, where it's usually anything go. Guys can get away with being inexperienced. Now, I'm 22. I was contemplating the past couple of days of how I messed up my time in college. College was probably the easiest and only chance I got to do something with girls. I had a lot of girl friends but I didn't have any girlfriends. I lost count on the amount of crushes I had but then I realized that I wasn't their type.

 

Now it's going to be even harder to meet women and to get them attracted when you have zero experience and zero sexual confidence. I really didn't want for my life to be like this. I thought years ago this would sort itself out. Now I'm reminded by how I'm alone and unwanted by women with a sex drive that won't go away when I need it to.

 

Does anyone have any advice overcoming this deep loneliness that will stretch on for who knows how long? It doesn't seem like I'm losing my virginity any time soon. I had a chance of sleeping with a prostitute when I went to Amsterdam but I didn't because I chickened out. That was probably my only chance I've ever had to experience sex.

[Mr Scorpio]

IMO, there is no fundamental difference in loneliness based on your sexual history. Let us say that you banged a model tonight. Perhaps you would be less lonely tomorrow. OTOH, you might be more lonely for wanting more of what you'd experienced.

 

As for getting a woman to be attracted to you, I don't think sexual confidence has much to do with that. Most women would have to be attracted to you well before anything sexual occurred. At that point experience isn't a huge factor. I imagine you already know what you'd want to do in that situation, so you'd just do it. If she responds positively you keep going. If she doesn't, you ask what she likes, and she appreciates the fact that you care enough to ask what she likes.

[Johnsmith1003]

Dude, I was right there with you. Didn't lose mine until 21. Before I felt lonely, insecure and inferior to everyone and everything. Here's the thing that nobody tells you about sex: it really isn't as 'life changing' (well, that is if it breaks, haha) as they claim it to be. Society makes out sex like you are one of a kind loser if you don't have it. I did at 21. It was great, sure, but life still moves on. You still have that crummy neighbor, your cupboard ramen is outdated and your dog hates you. The key is to find the right girl. Whoever she is, and I mean WHOEVER, if she truly wants you for you, they look past everything us guys find insecure of ourselves. They are weird creatures. And we love them. My advice to you is to GO SOCIALIZE. Go to 'friendly' bars, concerts or what have you. Make friends/connections. Just emulate what you wanted to do in high school but be more mature about it (22 isn't 14). I promise it will come but just don't lose yourself. If a girl sees your insecurity and self loathe, she may be discouraged. Be honest with yourself.

[mikefiore]

Didn't lose mine till 22. Didn't regret it either.

Johnsmith1003 is absolutely right. it really isn't as 'life changing' . The urge to lose it early is the oldest biggest peer-pressure dare of modern civilisation. Stop being bother about when, but rather who to lose it to. It really changes your perspective about love and sex.

 

All the best.

[ConstantVoyager]

I lost my virginity when I was seven to rape, which led to repeated daily rapes by the same man. When I started dating in college, I jumped around like a pogo stick from man to man.

 

I didn't really start having meaningful sex until I was in my late twenties.

 

Sex isn't that important in and of itself. When you meet someone you like, sex is a wonderful way to explore your feelings with them.

 

Don't focus on whether you're having sex or not. Be open to finding a person you want to get to know and look for places or events where the kind of person you might want to get to know could be hanging out.

[Ryan R.]

IMO, there is no fundamental difference in loneliness based on your sexual history. Let us say that you banged a model tonight. Perhaps you would be less lonely tomorrow. OTOH, you might be more lonely for wanting more of what you'd experienced.

 

As for getting a woman to be attracted to you, I don't think sexual confidence has much to do with that. Most women would have to be attracted to you well before anything sexual occurred. At that point experience isn't a huge factor. I imagine you already know what you'd want to do in that situation, so you'd just do it. If she responds positively you keep going. If she doesn't, you ask what she likes, and she appreciates the fact that you care enough to ask what she likes.

 

To me, if I had sex with a woman it would definitely prove to me that it is possible for something like this to happen. At this point, I don't think it is possible for any girl to be attracted to me.

 

I don't know, I just feel really lonely and I've felt this way for years. Imagine getting no acknowledgement of your existence as a sexual being. It hurts.

[Lizrd3000]

I've always had this fear I'd be a virgin till I'd get married, I had zero confidence I'd find a girlfriend and lose my virginity.

 

I TOTALLY understand where you're coming from, but trust me, losing your virginity isn't some ''status'' that's admirable, it's just that, losing your virginity.

 

I had a girlfriend for 6 months, and we both lost our virginity with each other, she was 17, I just turned 18. (lol illegal lol)

 

Anyways, I don't think your virginity and loneliness is something linked. it's two different stories.

 

as for your loneliness (and a bit for losing your virginity, who knows?) you should sign yourself up for a class you're interested in.

 

me for example, I took up dance classes, because I was always interested in dancing but never had the courage to actually do it.

but when my girlfriend broke up with me, I thought to myself, **** it, I've got nothing to lose anymore.

 

fast forward, I met alot of awesome people at my dance school, made new friends and met girls who share the same interests as me.

If a silly guy like me can do this, than you can do it.. FOR SURE. trust me.

 

I really want to help you, because I've been in your position for a LONG time, just know, you're not alone in this struggle. It can be hard at times, sometimes all the time. but you've got to work through this yourself. you can't wake up one day and have everything you've ever wanted. you've got to work for it yourself.

 

again, losing your virginity isn't all that amazing, I thought it was, untill I lost it. the only upside I had was that my friends are mostly virgins, and I could tease them with it, while actually it's not something to be proud of, really. they knew this so didn't take me very serious, neither did I take myself serious whenever I'd joke about it, haha.

 

your future girlfriend will be so happy to take your virginity, don't take it as something bad, it's a good thing! TRUST ME!

as for inexperienced, your future girlfriend will understand this, don't worry too much about it.

 

my first time sex with my ex was so awkward, we were both inexperienced.

to top it off, when we were done, she queefed and got so ashamed, but I couldn't stop laughing for like half an hour. when we went to sleep, I couldn't sleep but she was already sleeping, so I went out to get a glass of water, as I put my hand on the door opening, she let out a big fart, and I had this spasm attack and made alot of noise because it was so unexpected, another hour of non-stop laughing as she and her mother were sleeping.

 

 

No idea why I'm telling you this story of mine, but I thought it'd be funny to share. I need to let things out too! haha

[crederer]

You need to put yourself out there. You are going to get rejected a lot but so do most men. It's the way it goes

[Ryan R.]

Thanks for the story lzrd, it's hard to keep faith.

 

You need to put yourself out there. You are going to get rejected a lot but so do most men. It's the way it goes

 

I have gotten rejected a lot and it sucks.

[lino]

Do try your best to get some sexual experience under your belt, nearly all women are turned off by inexperience even if some say otherwise.

 

Only a few guys are able to lose their virginity to the girl of their dreams. Just get out there and f*ck!

[Outsider77]

Are you physically unattractive? Otherwise you probably could have sex with someone pretty easily.

[reddragon588]

I have gotten rejected a lot and it sucks.

 

Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player ever, and he once said this:

 

"I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."

 

All it takes is one girl to say yes to dating you. You can go out there and ask 100 girls out, get rejected 99 times and that still means you got one girl to say yes.

 

Think about it: can you remember most of the girls who rejected you? Or the ones who haven't? I've been rejected far more times than I've had girls say yes to me, and I can really only remember the ones that said yes. You just have to get back up on the horse and keep searching for the right one.

[lino]

Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player ever, and he once said this:

 

"I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."

 

All it takes is one girl to say yes to dating you. You can go out there and ask 100 girls out, get rejected 99 times and that still means you got one girl to say yes.

 

Think about it: can you remember most of the girls who rejected you? Or the ones who haven't? I've been rejected far more times than I've had girls say yes to me, and I can really only remember the ones that said yes. You just have to get back up on the horse and keep searching for the right one.

 

 

I'm sure your post had the best intentions but I've always felt sports analogies aren't accurate when comparing it to relationships and interactions between humans.

 

I don't feel a basketball, hoop and backboard are in any way comparable to things as complex as humans.

 

Also it's easy for someone like Jordan to say that after he's conquered the sport. Bet he didn't give that quote early in his career when he had experienced far more failure than success.

 

In regards to rejection, I've never known a single guy who was rejected multiple times before succeeding. Blokes are either capable to some degree with women and will experience a couple to a few rejections in between successes or they'll be guys who've known nothing but failure their whole lives.

 

Plus, imagine how special a girl would feel knowing she's only with her man because 99 other women shot him down. Bet she'd be real pleased with that

 

The only guys who I ever see with a woman after YEARS of constant rejection are fellows who have settled big time just so they can put on the 'hey I have a partner' face and they eventually lead very miserable lives.

 

The OP definitely needs to start having sex asap and as regularly as possible too. Women are ruthless with inexperienced men.

[reddragon588]

I'm sure your post had the best intentions but I've always felt sports analogies aren't accurate when comparing it to relationships and interactions between humans.

 

I don't feel a basketball, hoop and backboard are in any way comparable to things as complex as humans.

 

Also it's easy for someone like Jordan to say that after he's conquered the sport. Bet he didn't give that quote early in his career when he had experienced far more failure than success.

 

In regards to rejection, I've never known a single guy who was rejected multiple times before succeeding. Blokes are either capable to some degree with women and will experience a couple to a few rejections in between successes or they'll be guys who've known nothing but failure their whole lives.

 

Plus, imagine how special a girl would feel knowing she's only with her man because 99 other women shot him down. Bet she'd be real pleased with that

 

The only guys who I ever see with a woman after YEARS of constant rejection are fellows who have settled big time just so they can put on the 'hey I have a partner' face and they eventually lead very miserable lives.

 

The OP definitely needs to start having sex asap and as regularly as possible too. Women are ruthless with inexperienced men.

 

So your answer is to give up?

 

The idea that some people are automatic with women and others are doomed to failure couldn't be more wrong.

 

You know why some men are "automatic" with women? Because they don't accept failure.

 

That's what it comes down to at the end of the day. Everyone knows failure. Some people accept it, others don't.

 

You just have to keep going. The more you do that, the more your confidence will grow, and the more attractive you will be.

[lino]

If only it was that simple.

 

Guys who are 'automatic' with women aren't that way because they simply don't accept failure, they're that way because they've never known it in the first place.

A guy who's had a steady stream of girlfriends since he was 14 knows absolutely squat about failure with women.

 

A late 20s guy who's known nothing but rejection his whole life is someone who knows failure and whether he accepts it or not is irrelevant. He WILL be judged for it.

 

I never said give up, if you read my post I said the OP should try to get as much sex as soon as he can because later in life, an inexperienced man is as appealing as a homeles one or as a man with aids.

[crederer]

Getting rejected only sucks as much as you let it suck. I've been rejected lots. I've also had plenty of good looking (and some not so good looking) girlfriends.

 

It sucks at first but it really isn't that bad.

 

But for every girl I've had I've probably been rejected 5 times over.

[GatsbyMH]

The worst thing you can do to make yourself nervous an even more awkward is to walk up to any girl and try to start a conversation with an end result (if even only in your head) is to try and have sex.

 

Ignore sex. It will happen when it happens. Try making friends. Lots of them. Be yourself and the rest will sort itself out. I didn't lose my virginity unit I was 22. No biggie.

 

And despite what some might think, some women will be interested in you more for your lack of experience. They know they can watch you experience something for the first time and that will turn them on!

[KathyM]

You need to work on your social skills, your appearance, and your fear of rejection. I'm guessing one or more of those three things is the reason you have not had a relationship. And 22 is young. Start working on yourself. Lack of sexual experience is not what is holding you back from finding a relationship. It's one of the other three things I mentioned.

[ravssss]

until the first relationship even i had this wave in me that once i get the girl of my dreams my life is perfect ... and that happened in july 2012 ... and guess what ... for first 5 months it was damn good ... am 23 ... and after that i realized how good being single was ... I could do my things my way ... especially at an age when u want all the freedom with your career decisions ... and today after getting dumped i still have no regrets of getting back where i was .... infact now atleast i realize it isnt worth all the hype ... i have nothing against my ex .... but at the same time ... life is a lot more than a relationship ... i mean i feel friends are more important than anything else in life .... if u get them right ... and u embrace loneliness and use it to ur advantage these things can be put on relax .. .and the funny thing abt love is it came when i had literally decided to concentrate on my work and nothing else for an year ... believe in GOD ...

[Ryan R.]

Do try your best to get some sexual experience under your belt, nearly all women are turned off by inexperience even if some say otherwise.

 

Only a few guys are able to lose their virginity to the girl of their dreams. Just get out there and f*ck!

 

Easier said than done. Much easier.

 

I would like to thank everyone for their concerns, I just need to realize that I will never experience any success in this area. I will either be a virgin for the rest of my life or I will only have sex with prostitutes and/or women desperate to get married. Life isn't always kind, I know that. So I just need to excuse myself from this whole area of dating. It was stupid of me to think that I'd actually be able to get a woman I'd like when I haven't even had any girls so any signs of interest in me explicitly or implicitly.

 

It's depressing, but what do I do.

Edited November 2, 2013 by Ryan R.