MM's wife wants to have lunch with me and babysit their kids!!??

December 5, 2004

I have tried numerous times to break it off with my MM. We had decided to just be friends and that lasted about 2 weeks. We stopped taking breaks at work together, didn't go to lunch as often, did not have sex or any other physical contact either. One night we went to a work related party together, someone we didn't know came over to us and sat down at our table. We started talking, just about work stuff and then he asked what our relationship was to each other. We said we work together. He told us that he could tell that my MM was in love with me, that is was very obvious. This was only after about 20 minutes of talking. That kind of freaked me out. On the way home from the event, MM reached for my hand in the car. We held hands all the way home. We arrived home, he came up, paid my babysitter and we chatted for a while. I was so taken by what the guy we had met had said, and me being a bit on the intoxicated side, I broke the "no sex" part of our relationship.

Things went back to normal for the next few days, no breaks together, no physical contact, just lunch. I went out Friday night with a friend and while I was out got a text message from MM. He asked if I would be around Sat. night. I had prev. told him that I was going out of town, which I was. But his text message threw me cause we never see each other on weekends. My friend cancelled our plans at the last minute, and I secretly was glad she did so I wouldn't be faced with making that decision. So he came over last night and told me that his wife told him that if he was going to go out with me places that he didn't need to lie about it. He has only told her that we are good friends. So she also told him that she would like all 3 of us to have lunch together because she was interested in knowing his friends. She also mentioned that since I have kids, would I be interested in babysitting for them if they wanted to go out. She doesn't necessarily want to be MY friend, she just wants to know me a bit. I have met her once before briefly and had asked her if she would be interested in a babysitting co-op, but she didn't seem interested at the time. So why now????

He also said that she was interested in knowing what my intentions were. What??? Kind of strange......And then he said she told him that if I wanted him, I could have him. Again, What???

I am somewhat confused about all of this.

Like I said, he has never said our relationship was anymore than just friends, but she did say something strange to him.....she said she has heard from other people about us. Weird, cause I don't know anyone she knows and he and I never go out with any of their mutual friends. How would she hear anything??

So, last night he came over, we went out for drinks and came back to my place. We spent the next 3 hours in passion. He left 2 hours later than he had told me he was originally going to. I wonder what SHE was thinking, or if she even cared. She didn't call him on his cell phone, he had said she might......

I am at a crossroads here, I am attempting to date other guys, but when I do meet someone he starts being more attentive to me, tells me that he wishes he could put me in a closet so no one else could have me. I am extremely good looking and meet guys left and right but no matter how great they are I'm just not interested. I don't think I ever will be. I am 100% in love with my MM. I don't know what to do. I just keep thinking that if I wait long enough his marriage WILL eventually be over, especially now that his wife is taking an interest in me. They have been together/married for over 20 years now. I have known other couples who have divorced after this length of time but know that every situation is different. He says he doesn't dislike his wife, just that their relationship has lost all luster and they only discuss the mundane. They do on rare occasion have some sexual contact, (masturbating each other) but he says not actual intercourse. He said the last time this occurred he was able to get an erection only because it was during his and my "no sex" period. He says she initiated it and since he was not getting any sex from me, he was happy to get what he could at that point.

I must point out that he really has no intention of leaving her, he has difficulty making decisions, doesn't want to lose his stability. But by going places with me, now openly, is he really just asking for her to ask him to leave so it won't be a guilt trip for him? I just don't know anymore. I really love him, I can't help it. I know being involved with him is so wrong, but ??????

I am not looking for criticism here about my involvement with him being wrong (as I know this already), so if that's what you want to do, save it. I am looking to find out if anyone can give me some insight as to why she is acting this way now. Is she getting close to throwing in the towel? I am having a hard time entertaining even dating others now because of my hope for a possible future with him.....

December 5, 2004

"i am extremely good-looking" loses its luster and impact when said about oneself.

anyway, i would get out of this situation. it sounds weird, and if his wife is playing a game, i am sure you are not at the winning end of it.

if you're so self-proclaimed good-looking, you should be able tol find a man who wants to be with you, sans a wife. but leave your high opinions of yourself out. nothing wrong with being confident, but spiling it onto someone else doesn't give them a chance to see it themselves.

good luck.

December 5, 2004

I wasn't saying it to boast about myself at all, I was just trying to make a point that I don't have any problems meeting other men. It's that I have no interest in them no matter how wonderful they are.

I apologize if it was taken another way, but being that you don't know what I look like, I felt I needed to add that part so as not to get the "self esteem" related advice.

December 5, 2004

PW, don't worry about it, modesty shouldn't be more important than clarity.

December 5, 2004

i hear you.

this is a tough one. i don't know what the wife is up to...but it definitely seems odd to me.

i mean, maybe her husband is giving her the old "we're just friends" routine, and she's angrily saying "if she wants you, she can have you" to save face. but he's taking it as, "hey, she says its okay" finding a loophole for his behaviour. regardless of what he says about her and their marriage, you are aware that most (or some) may be lies.

i think you sound like a decent person. you already know this isn't the best situation to be in, so you don't need to be told.

just remind yourself that you really do eventually get over people, even if you think you won't. if this didn't happen, we would all marry our first "loves".

i wouldn't trust this guy, i wouldn't trust his wife. you can do better.

don't even bother with other guys for now. just get yourself out of this very strange situation and deal with it. you will not end up alone that way, but you may if stay in this totally confusing love triangle.

in any case, please update about this wife...she doesn't sound like she's wrapped too tight to be honest!

December 5, 2004

Ever heard the expression "keep your friends close and your enemies closer"? Sounds like she wants to keep an eye on you, figure out how much you mean to her husband and don't discount that she may want to get to know you to figure out some sort of revenge.

On the other hand, maybe she wants to swing with you and her husband. Personally this situation creeps me out - keep your guard up. I haven't read your other posts but I'd think of getting a job elsewhere - if you are seeing one another all the time it is too difficult to create any emotional distance if you do decide to end things.

December 5, 2004

Ha! I think he would be in heaven if she wanted to "swing", def. not her style though! I told him (jokingly) maybe just "she and I" could get together without 'him". He didn't have a problem with that either! He is kinda on the kinky side though and he and I have had a 3some with a guy friend of ours before. (see my thread on OW/OM ). It's a looong drawn out story, but such is life......

I think the "enemy" thing sounds logical, but then why is she "offering him up" to me also? I am guessing she's just not really all that interested in giving their marriage the "old college try" anymore. Maybe she is just looking for a way out herself?????

December 6, 2004

why is she doing this? probably because she wants to humiliate the both of you. If you're *really* just friends, then her proposal isn't a threatening or off-the-wall one, and she's got the satisfaction of knowing she's proven gossip wrong. On the other hand, she's probably more than a little bit sure that you two are boinking, and she wants to screw with your heads and humiliate you to make up for some of the pain she feels over this.

as a married woman, I can assure you that I'd much rather have my husband tell me that he's honestly tried to make it work, then leave, than to find out that he's with me ... and other women at the same time. The wife wanting to exact her vengeance is understandable, because while it's painful to have a marriage that isn't working out, having your spouse screw around on you but refuses to leave you is just rubbing salt in the wounds.

December 6, 2004

{sigh}...{heavy sigh, even!}

PW, the reason that this doesn't add up for you is that he is LYING!!! He's lying to her, and he's lying to you about her.

Tell the woman that you're f*cking her husband. (Sorry to put it so bluntly.) But if you want to find out what the truth is, throw the cards you have in the hold up on the table and call everybody's bluff.

I think what you'll find out is that he has exagerated his lack of sexual relationship with his wife, and that their relationship isn't as sterile as he might have been leading you to believe.

You'll likely find out that she had a "feeling" about you, and her offer to have lunch is a fishing expedition.

You'll also likely find out what MM's true feelings are when you become a threat to his familial stability. Bet he'll toss you aside pretty quick. Better now than later though if it comes to that, right?

December 6, 2004

Tell the woman that you're f*cking her husband. (Sorry to put it so bluntly.) But if you want to find out what the truth is, throw the cards you have in the hold up on the table and call everybody's bluff.

>>> I don't think it's my place to do that, if she wants to know she can ask him. I could never do that...

I think what you'll find out is that he has exagerated his lack of sexual relationship with his wife, and that their relationship isn't as sterile as he might have been leading you to believe.

>>> I really believe their sex life is kinda low on the totem pole, they have 3 kids under 3 yrs. old. I know my and my stbex's sex life took a big dive during the time my kids were very little. Plus he says she has never been a real sexual person to begin with. I have met her, and I believe that what he says

about this topic is probably true. Plus the fact that he was "doing" me every day......

You'll likely find out that she had a "feeling" about you, and her offer to have lunch is a fishing expedition.

>>> Yes, this is probably true since he has had other relationships with women (internet and long distance) where he claimed (although he has admitted to me they were more than just friendly) that all that was talked about was "family" stuff. Kids, etc.....

BTW.....I told him that I was not interested in going to lunch with them, that I am satisfied with the amount of friends I already have. I also told him that I now have a babysitter of my own, no need to co-op now. Plus now that I have a true interest in him, why the heck would I sit for them so THEY can go out together!? Sorry, they (she) had their chance back when I was married and orig. offered......

You'll also likely find out what MM's true feelings are when you become a threat to his familial stability. Bet he'll toss you aside pretty quick. Better now than later though if it comes to that, right?

>>> I am waiting for this! As I said, I have tried to break it off with him but he keeps coming back to me. I have told him to tell me he does not want me so I can move on, it's the only way I can really let go, but he won't......

December 6, 2004

Patiently waiting - how can you say this about telling the wife you are boinking HER husband

I don't think it's my place to do that, if she wants to know she can ask him. I could never do that...

But then you think it is your place to BOINK her husband.

I don't get it.

December 6, 2004

All I can recommend that you do is to break this ugly cycle. It only gets worse. Get ahead of the game as much as you can and stop it NOW.

December 6, 2004

PW- Ladyjane is right in soooo many ways on this one!!

1. He IS lying to you and to her...and that is why it doesn't add up. I can garauntee that his marriage is NOT what he's described to you...he's lying to you to make it seem worse, so that you will continue to do what you're doing right now...continuing to find reasons to give him EXACTLY what he wants from you. Why shouldn't he lie...its working, isn't it?

(The most generous thing I could say about him would be to say that he's looking at his marriage through a lens of you...and that everything he sees about his marriage is distorted by what he thinks he's got in you. Reality is something different yet...and in most cases where an affair occurs, once the smoke clears the wayward spouse looks at their past life during the affair and it looks like its all clouded in a drug haze...because they were never honest with themselves either. Look at the posts on the infidelity page from people who have had an affair and you'll see what I mean. But in truth, I really think he knows what he's got at home...he's just wanting both you and her, so he's lying to you both to keep you both.)

2. His wife suspects what is going on (trust me, all of us betrayed spouses do eventually). She's either looking for proof, or setting the both of you up for a bombshell. Make no mistake...if she's looking to meet up with you, there is a REASON. Its NOT cause she wants to be your friend!!!

3. You've repeatedly posted that you're trying to end things with you MM. Here is your chance. Like you've been told...call the bluff. Because at this point, I have no doubt in my mind that she suspects very hard what's going on, and bluntly, the end is near. If he has no interest in leaving her, you are about to be kicked to the curb. She knows/suspects what's going on, and is trying to get her ducks in a row in how she's going to handle it. She's going to have her proof soon, no matter what you and him are doing to hide it. She's working out a plan on what to do next... I KNOW...I've been her!

The best thing you can do at this point is to end the relationship under YOUR terms, before it gets drug into a divorce court or worse.

December 6, 2004

Regardless of how bad a marriage is it doesn't justify the affair. If he's so unhappy in his marriage he can leave.

You should have lunch with her. Maybe you should take some time to look into the eyes of the other woman your MM is also lying to.

December 6, 2004

She wants me to have lunch with THEM, not just her. She said she was interested in KNOWING his friends, I don't believe she wants to actually be MY friend, as this is what he has told me. Yes, I'm sure she wants to "feel me out", maybe see what I'm like, however I have met her before and we had talked briefly. As he has had other female friends with whom he corresponded with via internet and telephone, she believes (or is lead to believe) that he is every womans best "guy" friend. I am just the first one who is local and more available physically. I have no doubt that she may suspect it is more than that, perhaps she is curious as to what I am like and what it is that makes him so compelled to hang out with me. Maybe she thinks that if she brings me into "their" lives and not just his (ie: asking me to babysit while they go out) that she will find that I am indeed "just a friend".

I think their marriage is on the brink of ending, they have just chosen to ignore it out of fear of change. You are right though, I really have no idea if what he tells me is true or not. I wish I could hide in their closet and watch the dynamics for myself. If I saw it for myself, and the relationship was in fact good, I could walk away. (because I would know for sure if he was lying to me). I know he does not dislike her, he does say he does not love her though (yes, again I know this could be a lie). But her mixed words confuse me too. I guess she figures that if he doesn't want to be with her that she's not gonna try to force him and belittle herself in the process.

Sometimes I wish he would just disappear, but that's not gonna happen. Eventually somethings gotta give. I think it's just gonna have to take it's course and whatever the outcome, so be it.

I figure there are a few different outcomes:

1. she kicks him out, he gets his own place for a while, sees me, realizes he belongs/loves her and goes home

2. she lets him stay, he stops seeing me, they work on their marriage

3. she kicks him out, he gets his own place, he doesn't see me, they get divorced, he finds someone new.

4. she lets him stay, he continues to have me as a friend, but tries to be more and hide it again (I won't go for this one!!)

5. she kicks him out, he gets his own place, they get divorced, he marries me eventually

I'm sure I've missed a few but I figure what is meant to happen, will in fact happen. All in due time....

Again, I must reiterate....I do not need or want critisism about "my relationship" with him. We all agree it is wrong......why I continue to do it, and why I don't end it myself is NOT the issue I am asking for advice or comments on. If you feel you must comment on that, please do it on someone elses thread who is involved in this type of relationship and is seeking that type of advice.

December 6, 2004

Originally posted by Patiently waiting
Again, I must reiterate....I do not critisizm about "my relationship" with him. We all agree it is wrong......why I continue to do it, and why I don't end it myself is NOT the issue I am asking for advice or comments on. If you feel must comment on that, do it on someone elses thread who is involved in this type of relationship.

If you don't want advice or comments on your relationship with him, then what do you REALLY want from this post? Do you plan on USING the insight, comments, or suggestions you've received here in any fashion or form?

I'm not commenting on what I think about your relationship with him...I'm just curious what your intent in this post is. Regardless, good luck to you in whatever happens.

December 6, 2004

Originally posted by Debster
Patiently waiting - how can you say this about telling the wife you are boinking HER husband

But then you think it is your place to BOINK her husband.
I don't get it.

If their marriage just need fixing, I am not the issue, just a symptom. His behavior and her denial of it is the issue. They need to address their issues on their own. They don't need my intervention to complicate things even further. They are adults, if they want to confront each other, they will.

December 6, 2004

So he came over last night and told me that his wife told him that if he was going to go out with me places that he didn't need to lie about it. He has only told her that we are good friends. So she also told him that she would like all 3 of us to have lunch together because she was interested in knowing his friends. She also mentioned that since I have kids, would I be interested in babysitting for them if they wanted to go out. She doesn't necessarily want to be MY friend, she just wants to know me a bit. I have met her once before briefly and had asked her if she would be interested in a babysitting co-op, but she didn't seem interested at the time. So why now????

Because she KNOWS about you two. This is a trap I think. I could be completely wrong...Who knows. This is just a redflag going up and yours should be going up too.

If this happens, you all meet, then it takes it all to a completely new level of deception and pre planned lying. Because how are YOU gonna feel sitting there, face to face with your MM's wife?? Horrible. So will he. She WILL pick up on that uncomfy energy flow as well.

Just giving you something to think about...

Take care..

December 6, 2004

I was curious as to why she was saying the things she was. What her intent was ultimately. What she is after by having lunch together. If anyone thinks she is looking for a way out....

December 6, 2004

They need to address their issues on their own. They don't need my intervention to complicate things even further.

I agree. Funny though, how you can twist this into some kind of self-righteous excuse to not tell her that you are sleeping with her husband, but you can't see that in fact - YOU ARE part of the issue. You are intervening in their relationship. You are complicating things even further.

This is not a blast of you being the OW. This is a blast of you trying to play both sides of the fence.

December 6, 2004

I told him that I have no interest in having lunch with them. I really have no desire to get to know her more than I already have. I met her once before, that was enough for me. She wasn't real friendly at that time, and that was way before she had any inkling of our affair. She's a bit too much on the "tomboy" side for me. I'm a "girlie girl".....

December 6, 2004

Originally posted by Debster

I agree. Funny though, how you can twist this into some kind of self-righteous excuse to not tell her that you are sleeping with her husband, but you can't see that in fact - YOU ARE part of the issue. You are intervening in their relationship. You are complicating things even further.

This is not a blast of you being the OW. This is a blast of you trying to play both sides of the fence.

If it wasn't me, it would most likely be someone else that he had met. Either he was open to the having the "girlfriend thing" or he wasn't. Obviously, he was..

December 6, 2004

I was curious as to why she was saying the things she was. What her intent was ultimately. What she is after by having lunch together. If anyone thinks she is looking for a way out....

I think she wants to corner the two of you and prove her suspicions right. If she is able to humiliate you, so much the better (in her way of thinking). It's possible that she is in denial, that she desperately wants to see the two of you interact in her presence so she can convince herself that you really are *just friends* ... but I stand by my first theory. She wants retribution, and if it means humiliating him for continually indulging in emotional and/or physical affairs, so much the better.

December 6, 2004

Well, she's barking up the wrong tree if she wants to humiliate him or me. Neither of us are affected by that type of tactic. I told him this morning that he may as well tell her about us because he told me that she has a pretty good idea already. A while back they had an appt. (she scheduled it, he said) to see a mediator to discuss separation of assets etc. He claimed they went, but the mediator was not there when they arrived. He said the mediator told them that they were not there at the correct time and therefore would not see them now. what??? Hmmmm....... anyway, as of the last he told me, the mediator has been put on hold indefinately. Bizarre.......

So, I doubt he will tell her, he can't make his own decisions for fear that he may make the wrong one for himself. So, he leaves us (me and her) in constant limbo. I told him to make a choice, her or me. He said we should talk about that face to face, not by e-mail. It doesn't matter to me, I am tired of the "drama". I told him that I loved him, but I am a big girl and can take whatever decision he will make. I just want some sort of idea of what direction I am going in. Either he wants me or he doesn't, how hard is that to decide? If he does not want me, so be it, tell me and let me be free. But I don't want to choose to leave him because ultimately I do want to be with him. But, I know when told to leave, I will. I do not stay where I am not wanted.

He did tell me that he knows she greatly suspects our relationship, but that he has not chosen to break it off with me even knowing that she is on the trail of finding out for sure. I guess only time will tell at this point. It can't be much longer......well I guess unless he comes up with a real good story......and he is real clever......

December 6, 2004

I don't know about the "humiliating"...odds are, she'd be just as humiliated to admit something like this was going on in public. My thought is that she's trying to "prove" that you're having an affair, either to herself, or if she's a really wily coyote, she'll have a PI standing by with a camera to catch the two of you in an inappropriate moment while she's away from the table.

Regardless, my thought is that the jig is up. You're going to be caught soon, one way or another. If she's that suspecting, its only a matter of time at this point. I know how it was when I suspected my wife...and I've heard from a number of others...now that she suspects, its only time, regardless of how careful you are.

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MM's wife wants to have lunch with me and babysit their kids!!??

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