MM's wife wants to have lunch with me and babysit their kids!!??

[Patiently waiting]

I don't know about the "humiliating"...odds are, she'd be just as humiliated to admit something like this was going on in public. My thought is that she's trying to "prove" that you're having an affair, either to herself, or if she's a really wily coyote, she'll have a PI standing by with a camera to catch the two of you in an inappropriate moment while she's away from the table.

 

 

>>>Nah, she wouldn't do the P.I. thing, much too private of a person. Plus no point to it..... California is a no fault divorce state. Also, we are not crazy, no "inappropriate" moments in public! (well, at least not since the incident at work back in May.....)

 

 

 

Regardless, my thought is that the jig is up. You're going to be caught soon, one way or another. If she's that suspecting, its only a matter of time at this point. I know how it was when I suspected my wife...and I've heard from a number of others...now that she suspects, its only time, regardless of how careful you are.

 

 

>>>>THANK GOD !!! I need for it to be done. I only hope you are right!

[Owl]

Originally posted by Patiently waiting

 

>>>>THANK GOD !!! I need for it to be done. I only hope you are right!

 

 

If you feel that strongly about it, then end it yourself. There is no reason why you would have to wait for her to find out and confront the two of you to do that. You have every bit as much power in this relationship to make decisions as your MM or his wife. You've told him repeatedly to make the decision, but have pointed out that he's not good at doing so. Then you do it.

 

A couple of choices from what I've seen...you can call him, and tell him to take a flying hike. You'll both go through the rough times at the end of an affair, but from your comments earlier in the post ("If it wasn't me, it would most likely be someone else that he had met." and others) I've gotten the impression that what you've got with him really isn't that special...more convenient than anything else. It would be rough, but in the end you would get clear of him and out of this situation.

 

You could just flat out have lunch with him and the wife, admit to the whole thing, and see what happens. At least then its out in the open, and something HAS to be done...one way or another. Again, the end that you are so wanting. Either the end of his marriage, or the end or your relationship. Hopefully, the end of your affair regardless.

 

You could do this without his knowledge or consent if you decided to. Just call his wife and tell her the truth. You think she already knows the truth...so what's the harm???

 

Regardless...if you feel like this is getting to that point, there is no reason for you to sit there passively waiting for someone else to do something. You are a person fully capable of making your own choices and decisions...so do so, and quit hoping he'll finally get the nerve to do something...odds are, he never will. He's got no reason to want to change his situation...he's got you AND her right now...the longer that lasts, the better for him. So please...stop sitting there hoping you'll get caught by his wife, or that he'll finally work up the nerve to tell her, and take care of it yourself. At least then, its done on YOUR terms, and not someone else's.

[Patiently waiting]

MM came over, we had a long talk. I finally got him to give me some direction. I told him that if his wife called me and asked me for the truth, that I would give it to her. He said well just that we were sleeping 2gether or the details. I told him that I would give details if she asked for them but would not offer up more than she ultimately wanted to know. He said why couldn't you just tell her that you didn't believe the details would be necessary and that you would rather not say. (ie: exact things we did in bed). I told him, if she asked I would not deny her the truth, but only if that was her true desire to know. He was somewhat unable to understand why I would offer her the detals, he said that it would take away from the privacy of our relationship by doing that. I think what he really meant was it would really screw him over from ever fixing his marriage if he chose to do so.......He would not be able to say (to her) that the relationship was meaningless even if he tried. Well, it wasn't meaningless, so he is gonna have to deal with that. I have nothing to hide, I don't care who knows about us, I was proud to be with him!

 

So with that said, he actually has made a decision on his own. He has decided to not pursue a romantic relationship with me at this point. I think he's scared of losing his marriage and that forced him to take some action one way or another. I asked him how he wanted our interaction to be now, he had a hard time deciding. I said, do you want me to still call you, e-mail you, what? He said I don't want us to discuss anything personal that would make us feel that we had an emotional connection at this point. He finally was able to say, ok...I will call you or e-mail you if I choose to, but please don't contact me because I would have a hard time saying no to anything or not engaging in conversation that would lead us down the same path. I said fine.

 

So, he is going to see if he can go back into his marriage with a clean slate. See if his marriage still even exists without any interference. He says that if he is meant to be in the marriage and that he can be happy or content with it, then it will be. If not, he will come to me honestly and freely. I can understand that it can be confusing, throw away 20 some years for a girl he's only known for a year or stick with what seems to be what is expected and appears to be the "right thing" to do. I suppose only he will ultimately be able to decide what he wants or can live with. Perhaps if he tries to put more effort into his marriage, it may surprise him how that will pay off. At this time, he is not sure he really wants to put forth an effort, but at least try to get things to a manageable place. If at that time he wants to work on his marriage, he will. If not, perhaps he will leave. It may be that he will forever remain in the manageable state as he was before he met me. I don't know really, but I do believe she is not wanting to push him either way. He may or may not try to tell her what he needs to sustain a "good" relationship at some point. He says that he doesn't think she really would be into wanting anything more than just the mundane sex life (ie: no dressing sexy, role playing etc...) He does now realize that 3somes are totally out of the question and not many wives would tolerate that so putting that as a request would be totally ridiculous. I think he needs to show her that he is "in" the relationship before even attempting anything more than what she is used to sexually at this point. Maybe one day she will open herself up to new things if she feels he is faithful......Maybe she doesn't want to give herself away for fear of being emotionally trampled.

 

So, here I am "put on hold". I am going to continue to keep my options open, relationship wise (at least let myself date others, which I have been doing all along and he knows). I didn't want to put my eggs all in one basket so to speak, in case the day came that our relationship ended. Unfortunately, it has been and probably will be an effort for me to date. But, I can't wait for him in the wings, I need to go about my life as if he will never come back, because there is a strong possibility he may not. I just hate to think of losing the feeling I have for him at some point......or will I ever?? Will I ever be able to fully love someone else? I guess like any type of death, there will be a mourning period and for each of us it is different......I just need to try real hard not to believe he will come back cause I have a strong feeling I am only living in a fantasy world......

I am also wondering, if anyone knows, at what point (time frame), does one give up hope. I know it is said that if a man does not leave his marriage after being in the initial affair after 6 months, that most likely he will not ever leave. Does this hold true the second time around?? (I know you all are gonna throw this back at me in a quote.......but I had to ask for my own need to know)

 

Any insight to this would be greatly appreciated......I am so confused, lost, relieved, but in limbo still......help!

[Patiently waiting]

Originally posted by Owl

 

 

 

If you feel that strongly about it, then end it yourself. There is no reason why you would have to wait for her to find out and confront the two of you to do that. You have every bit as much power in this relationship to make decisions as your MM or his wife. You've told him repeatedly to make the decision, but have pointed out that he's not good at doing so. Then you do it.

 

A couple of choices from what I've seen...you can call him, and tell him to take a flying hike. You'll both go through the rough times at the end of an affair, but from your comments earlier in the post ("If it wasn't me, it would most likely be someone else that he had met." and others) I've gotten the impression that what you've got with him really isn't that special...more convenient than anything else. It would be rough, but in the end you would get clear of him and out of this situation.

 

You could just flat out have lunch with him and the wife, admit to the whole thing, and see what happens. At least then its out in the open, and something HAS to be done...one way or another. Again, the end that you are so wanting. Either the end of his marriage, or the end or your relationship. Hopefully, the end of your affair regardless.

 

You could do this without his knowledge or consent if you decided to. Just call his wife and tell her the truth. You think she already knows the truth...so what's the harm???

 

Regardless...if you feel like this is getting to that point, there is no reason for you to sit there passively waiting for someone else to do something. You are a person fully capable of making your own choices and decisions...so do so, and quit hoping he'll finally get the nerve to do something...odds are, he never will. He's got no reason to want to change his situation...he's got you AND her right now...the longer that lasts, the better for him. So please...stop sitting there hoping you'll get caught by his wife, or that he'll finally work up the nerve to tell her, and take care of it yourself. At least then, its done on YOUR terms, and not someone else's.

 

 

I wanted it to be done in the sense that I wanted her to know to force him to take some type of action. I did not want the relationship to end, quite the opposite, I wanted it to become legitimate.... Our relationship was special but that doesn't mean that he may not have met someone else who was special if he had never met me.....

[indigo_moon]

I find it odd that they've been together, according to you, for "20 yrs - together/married" yet you also say they have 3 children under the age of 3 yrs old. The poor woman has obviously been nothing but a constant babymaking machine for 3-4 yrs. 3 toddlers is one helluva handful.........it's no wonder she's not a nympho, she's far too busy being a mother and running a home. Obviously things couldn't have been too bad for them, they've obviously been making babies together. I feel sorry for her - how scary it must be to have 3 very young children with a man you know is a cheating scoundrel. Hope it all gets straightened out.

[Patiently waiting]

one child is turning 3 this month, the other 2 are twins (15 months). She was in high school when they met (17 yrs), he is 2 years older. They went off to college (separately), then resumed the relationship full time. They married when she was 24 years old, him 26. He continued school, got 2 masters degrees, she also earned a master's degree. Then they tried to have children for several years, no luck, she couldn't get pregnant . Eventually they had to do artificial insemination. It failed many times with the first child attempt. They finally succeeded, then the 2nd time around they had twins (same method). This is another reason why he finds it hard to leave her, they have been through a lot of hard times with regard to childbearing. He is now 44, her 42.

 

She works from home, has a Nanny, maid, gardner, 3 cars, big house........he makes dinner and watches the kids after work on nights he is home right after.

Sometimes he has to work late, but not usually..... and he is never far from her on weekends. I have seen them on walks with their kids...

 

Things are not always as they seem.....

 

BTW, I have 2 children ages 3 and 4. I work outside the home 40 hours per week, take them back and forth to pre-school, and all the other stuff that goes along with having two toddlers.....BY MYSELF! No maid, no nanny, no family to help. It's all me...... It's all about managing your time efficiently and not slacking.

[Patiently waiting]

It just really hit me that they have been together for 25 years! He's never gonna leave her no matter how much he claims to love me....

 

Uh, oh......here come the tears......

 

How dare he pursue me the way he did.......he messed me up but good. I want to be strong, but I am dying inside......

 

How long will I feel this way?????

 

I am so sad.......

[Naive]

PW, this is all so confusing. You said that you two are through, right?

[Patiently waiting]

As it stands now, yes we are through (unless he changes his mind one day)......I don't want it to be though. I just can't go on being the OW and waiting for the next time he has time to be with me. Plus it makes me physically ill knowing he is still having sex with his wife. He admitted to me tonight that he did not tell me of every sexual encounter that have had recently cause he didn't want to upset me. I'm going to be sick....... It's feels like how I felt when I found out my stbex was cheating on me all over again......

[Owl]

PW- I'm sorry to hear your pain friend. Sadly, its a fact that the straying spouse in these cases are almost always lying to try to continue both relationships...and they lie to BOTH of their 'partners', not just to their spouse.

 

I want to be honest with you, the only way that things can truly work out for him in this case would be to completely sever contact with you. He wants to "limit" the contact to something less personal, but that just doesn't work in most cases. If you're convinced that he's never going to leave her, the only way for any of you to start healing is to break off contact completely. Its like smoking, or drugs...you can't just decide that you'll only have one today. Its an all or nothing kinda break...and the affair is usually just as addictive as either of those. BUT, remember that people DO quit smoking and drugs all the time...and do stay clean the rest of their lives if they work at it. The affair is rarely THAT addictive...given time, and given the chance to find someone more suitable, you can and WILL get over it.

 

Good luck. Hang in there, stick to your guns, cut him loose, and go find the person you SHOULD be with!!

[Patiently waiting]

Went to lunch with MM today, he starts telling me that he and his wife were in the hot tub last night discussing some of their issues. He admitted to her that the 7 year internet/phone friendship he had (still talks her btw, but not sexually anymore) was really an emotional affair with internet and phone sex as well. Hasn't admitted he has actually had sex with anyone else yet. She told him that if he wanted to tell her stuff to make himself feel better that he could. Like she really doesn't want to know. She says her therapist says that it is important to stay together for the children if it can be done. Doesn't sound like anything I have heard any therapist suggesting, they usually let YOU decide why you want to stay together and in fact it's not such a good idea in my opinion cause the children will not be happy with parents who don't show affection for each other. I believe it makes them less happy as people in the long run when they view relationships as being non loving. But, who am I? I'm just spouting my opinion....

 

So, I talked to him tonight, I started to cry, told him I (ultimately) left my marriage because I was in love with him and didn't realize he wouldn't leave his relationship also. I said that I felt he was the one I would have given it all up for, and by the way he was with me when we were together I believed he felt the same. He said he has never felt that way about anyone, even his wife of 18 years. Could it be that this man has no real ability to be "in love"???? He says he's always been a loner, but I didn't know what he meant by that was that he really could take or leave just about anyone..... How sad.......

 

So, my doctor prescribed sleeping pills for me today.........hope they work, cause I never sleep, haven't slept more than like 2 hrs a night since May, except when MM would stay the night with me.....I felt so secure in his arms, I could have slept for days.......

[indigo_moon]

So you left your marriage for this boob, and he's putting his marriage through hell in part, due to this affair. His poor wife and children are the innocent victims here because they had no say in him slinking around with you (and whoever else over the past X # of years). What a sad, sad situation.

 

You said you were through but you went and had lunch with him. I think it's really bent that he's divulging to you what he and his wife discussed in the hot tub. Why would you need to know this, does he think you're his confessional or therapist?

 

Why don't you muster up some respect for his poor wife and their 3 small children and commit yourself to bowing out of the situation, with some grace and dignity, and letting them work through saving their marriage/family. Don't you think you owe that to a fellow woman? She's never done anything to you. What hell she must have lived through, and continues to, surely know he's not faithful.........her likely going through sheer hell each day wondering if he's going to up and leave her and the children.

 

You are addicted to this boob. Get yourself into some counselling/therapy so you can get to the root of why you ruined your own marriage over this guy ,and why you can't make a true break from him, despite the fact that you know his poor wife is likely doing all she can to hold onto the family and life THEY created together.

 

Nothing good can come from carrying on in an extramarital affair. Nothing.

[Patiently waiting]

My marriage was actually over when I met him, I was just staying for security and financial reasons at that point so he didn't actually break up my marriage in that sense, but he did give me the ultimate belief that there was something (someone) who would love me as I loved him. I was swept away by his charm...my ex had previously cheated on me and just never could get over it, the relationship held on for only 9 months more til I couldn't stand it anymore.

 

It's weird, I think I'm mad that his wife doesn't kick him out to save her own dignity. Oh...those sleeping pills are hitting me, I can hardly see straight. Wow, every thing is so blurry, I can hardly hit the keys. Match this with an antidepressent and were in business! Whhhhoooooaaaaaaaaa OMG, I feel like I'm on shrooooooooo0000000oooooooms. This stuff is def. not to be used while typing, but I do feel more relaxed. I seem to be suffering from short term memory loss. can barely type, but fighting it all the way....this stuff would be great with a shot of Tequila! I am so relaxed......woooohoooo........... j

[Ladyjane14]

So, my doctor prescribed sleeping pills for me today.........hope they work, cause I never sleep, haven't slept more than like 2 hrs a night since May

 

Oh...those sleeping pills are hitting me, I can hardly see straight. Wow, every thing is so blurry, I can hardly hit the keys. Match this with an antidepressent and were in business! Whhhhoooooaaaaaaaaa OMG, I feel like I'm on shrooooooooo0000000oooooooms. This stuff is def. not to be used while typing, but I do feel more relaxed. I seem to be suffering from short term memory loss. can barely type, but fighting it all the way....this stuff would be great with a shot of Tequila! I am so relaxed......woooohoooo...........

 

 

Have you seen that psychiatrist yet, PW? This is just not healthy. A person cannot go around with so little sleep and still be cognizant of the security and safety issues in daily life.

 

Where are your kids? How can you take proper care of them on 2 hours of sleep a night? And then being knocked out on sleeping pills. What if there were an emergency during the night?

 

Is there anybody that they can stay with for awhile until you get yourself together a bit more? How is your ex-husband as a father? Does he have good parenting skills?

 

Is there somebody responsible who could stay with you?

 

Girl, you have bigger issues right now than 'if that ding-dong loves you or not'. You are quickly running down a path to absolute tragedy. Get some help for yourself TODAY.

[whichwayisup]

PW, Obviously he does have feelings for you as you have for him...Don't doubt those feelings because if you do, you are going to internalize this and make yourself feel bad.

 

It just really hit me that they have been together for 25 years! He's never gonna leave her no matter how much he claims to love me....

 

Uh, oh......here come the tears......

 

How dare he pursue me the way he did.......he messed me up but good. I want to be strong, but I am dying inside......

 

How long will I feel this way?????

 

I'm sorry for the pain you are in. You need to take back the control. You've given him too much power over you, your heart, mind and soul. He isn't 'playing you' in the sense of being mean and malcious, but he knows what buttons to push to get what he wants...For his own needs and sense of self worth. Pretty selfish actually.

 

Babe, do some therapy cuz this guy is putting you on a rollercoaster ride and you said it, he is not gonna leave her. He has his cake and is eating it too.

 

He did tell me that he knows she greatly suspects our relationship, but that he has not chosen to break it off with me even knowing that she is on the trail of finding out for sure. I guess only time will tell at this point. It can't be much longer......well I guess unless he comes up with a real good story......and he is real clever......

 

Read what you wrote there...He is doing something and it just isn't right or fair to you, his wife and actually himself but he just doesn't see it as damaging.

 

Take some time away for YOU and take a break from this situation. It will be hard, but surround yourself with your family, friends and keep busy.

 

Keep posting!

[Patiently waiting]

Don't worry about the sleeping pills, they wore off in an hour. I think what I am really addicted to is LS!!! My kids were asleep... Nope, no one to help me out. But, a co-worker lives next door if there is an emergency.

 

Well, I'm at lunch (by myself). Guess he is now doing the NC thing. If he can keep it up maybe I will be able to get over him eventually. I won't contact him.

 

I'll keep ya' posted.

 

Going to buy my kids some bikes for x-mas tonight!

 

BTW, their dad......he only sees them when required, every other weekend, holidays and Weds nights. He never calls them otherwise......

[Patiently waiting]

Well, MM has not contacted me in 3 days after a talk we had about how I had thought he would have left his marriage for me. I left mine for other reasons than just for him (see my other threads) but cause I fell in love with him and I thought he felt the same, I figured he would follow suit. He kept telling me how he didn't love his wife and he pursued me so diligently, I thought it was just a matter of time. Wrong! He must have felt bad that I left even partially for him cause he just basically stopped calling me altogether. We have been seeing each other for nearly a year! Couldn't handle the guilt? So, I think he may be trying to figure out if his marriage is gonna work out, but I do know that he signed up for adult friend finders the other day (i have his e-mail password, which he knows about) He put the password conf. in the "items" folder though, maybe thinking that I wouldn't see it? He seems hopeless, don't think he'll ever be able to be faithful to anyone.

 

I did meet a really nice, good looking SINGLE guy today at work though. He is fairly new here and has a very well paying position in mgmt. We have a lot in common and hit it off immediately! He's coming over tonight to hang out and we are also going out 2morrow night! Amazing how when one door closes, another opens.......

[Naive]

Just take it easy with this guy and enjoy just going out with him, nothing serious.

[hugznkisses21]

infedelity is a terrible thing............doesnt matter what side u were on.........u know what ur getting yourself into be careful. My life was ruined by it.....i was one of those kids....of a parent who was cheating and has ruined my life....i dont wish it upon anyone

[Patiently waiting]

Originally posted by hugznkisses21

infedelity is a terrible thing............doesnt matter what side u were on.........u know what ur getting yourself into be careful. My life was ruined by it.....i was one of those kids....of a parent who was cheating and has ruined my life....i dont wish it upon anyone

 

 

Well, that relationship is over! Obviously he really belongs with his wife and family. But by not calling me anymore and also joining adult friend finders, I am guessing he is moving on to a new "affair", one that is more casual and won't be detected by his wife. I was too close and too "real".....

 

 

Naive_2001,

 

Yep, gonna try to take this one slowly.......gonna have to be careful about how much tequila I drink though, he just called, he's bringing over a bottle of Cabo Wabo! Yummy!!!

 

I'll keep ya' posted !!!

[Naive]

Mmmmmmm...drink one for me!!!!!

[Patiently waiting]

U got it hon I'm way ****ed up right now!

[Patiently waiting]

Well, new guy from work came over, uhhh, stayed over is what I meant.......I told him about my "situation", I don't know why...guess I am just honest about stuff. Didn't seem to bother him, in fact I think it got him "hot". It was nice to finally be with a guy that didn't have to get up and take a shower right after and then leave......but he called today and cancelled our date tonight, got invited to a family thing he said. Don't know if it's the truth but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, guess only time will tell how this pans out.

 

Sadly, I am really missing my MM still. I just can't believe he hasn't contacted me yet. I think it's been since Monday. I am just in shock that he is actually doing it. I mean he was everything to me and we had been so close for a whole year. I feel like a deer caught in the headlights. I am the one who is "naive"..........do you have a patent on that handle?

 

How will I ever get over him?? I'm miserable......

[DewDrop]

Your MM's wife seems very smart and if she wanted to she could probably sue you. I wouldn't be surprised if she did.

[indigo_moon]

PW,

I know it's been almost a couple of weeks since you last posted in this thread but I read it to catch up on your situation. Just an observation but you seemed somewhat out of control. I feel sorry for your children. You go from MM to some guy you meet at work in a flash. You meet this new guy on the 10th, you know nothing about his background or history (except that he's got a "very well paying job") and you invite him over to your home - with your children there - and you get sh*tfaced and have him spend the night. Doesn't sound like responsible parenting to me......he coulda been a nutjob who raped you or beat the crap out of you.....and you're on medication (antidepressants) and drinking....if something happened to your children during the middle of the night and you weren't sober enough to get them the help they needed (eg..medical attention), and your neighbor wasn't available to help, you'd be screwed..and at risk of CPS getting involved. I hope this reckless behavior is an isolated incident. I hope your children are young enough that they don't wonder why Mommy's bringing home strange men, getting drunk and said strange man is staying overnight. Geez.