Transformation-Questions About Self After Poverty/Neglect

[Grumpybutfun]

Mods: Please move this to where it belongs.

 

I was raised in a very poor area of the Appalachian Mountains. Poverty and neglect were a mainstay and it has colored how I view certain things in the world. I was raised without food, heat or love. I have worked extremely hard to overcome that past and I have never seen myself as anything but competent and willing to learn and change for a better life. It has given me more empathy in some areas and less in others.

What I mean by this is I can relate to others who are poor, neglected, abused, and I wish them every success in escaping their past. I completely agree that education and mentoring is a huge step in the right direction. However, I don't agree that "giving" people money or help without any involvement or responsibility for them is helpful and I find it insulting that people blame their pasts for their crimes, their divorces, their abusing their wife/husband/children/others. I still think responsibility is important. Yet, I sometimes feel that I am not being compassionate enough.

I am doing some reflecting as a part of spiritual transformation and I just wanted to know what things did you learn from your impoverished or neglectful childhoods? How has it made you stronger? How did it transform you (either negatively or positively?)How is your values and character impacted when others use their neglect/poverty as a crutch or a tool to take advantage of others?

Thanks for taking the time to comment and read,

Grumps

[Outsider77]

I learned how not to raise children from my parents.

I learned that life is not fair, and the good guy does not always win.

I learned that even if you are nice to people, they aren't always nice to you.

 

I have not risen above my childhood and persevered. I am not successful. I have struggled and fought almost my entire life and I still haven't made it. I have watched other people who have been cruel to me live happy lives without regret.

 

I am, however, a person who reflects. I have compassion and empathy. I was a vegetarian for a long time because I don't want to cause pain. I know a lot about what other people are going through because of my experiences. I cry often when I read bad things in the news.

 

I know that you believe that people who their behavior on their past don't have a good excuse since you have overcome their past. However, I disagree with you. I see things in a different way.

 

We are all born with certain talents, and weaknesses. There is evidence that a lot of personality traits are in-born. You probably possess some traits that make you stronger in some respects, allowing you to overcome your past and succeed.

 

My parents are not bad people. They never deliberately caused me harm but they really did a lot of damage. They were unable to see themselves objectively. They couldn't reflect on their feelings and behavior and make changes. Part of this is upbringing. Part of it is nature.

 

I have no idea why I was able to see the patterns of behavior and analyze my own. Maybe I'm just more intelligent in that respect. I usually know what I'm doing wrong and can figure out how "normal" people are supposed to act. I can see that screaming and hitting your kids is counter-productive and wrong. I am determined to not treat my child that way and so far I have succeeded.

 

Growing up, I was taught by example that when you are angry you yell at someone, lose you temper, throw things, hit people. I did the same thing as a child because I didn't know any better. It took me a couple of years after I left the house how to control my emotions. I used to just scream and break things and flip out. I still have trouble controlling my temper but I'm usually successful.

 

I don't think it's fair for you to judge people who haven't been able to overcome things. They are just different from you.

 

I'm not saying that bad people shouldn't be punished or held accountable for their actions. And I believe that there are people in the world who just lack empathy for whatever reason. Sociopaths. And some people can't see how things really are, they have too many psychological problems blocking their view. But you don't really know what has gone on in another person's life and what they are thinking and feeling. You can try to guess, but that's it.

 

I think that you should be grateful that you have the talent and drive to succeed despite your past, and accept that maybe other people aren't so lucky. Try to help people if you can, and if you think someone isn't going to benefit from it, move on. There are some people that you just can't save, and that's just the way the world is.

[Grumpybutfun]

Outsider77:

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I also had to figure out what was "normal." I still find myself reacting to things with my poverty/neglect mentality. It sounds as though you have the gift of insight, which many do not have. I also agree with you that some people have so much trauma, neglect, abuse and poverty forced on them that it is impossible for them to be able to acquire the healing they so deserve. I guess I am just referring to people who do things that are morally or legally corrupt and using their pasts to excuse that behavior, and shirk self-responsibility.

 

I think that you should be grateful that you have the talent and drive to succeed despite your past, and accept that maybe other people aren't so lucky.

 

I am grateful of my wife and wise elders I have met for making me understand there is another way to live. I honestly do not think luck has a lot to do with it. The journey has been hard and I have worked hard in therapy and self-reflection for many years to get to the point where I wasn't haunted by these events. I have also worked hard to be a good provider, a good husband and a good friend. It did not come easy to me, I assure you. Emotionally it was devastating to realize the impact my childhood had on me, yet I really believe that success is based on not what you earn or collect materially, but the peace you have in your life.

I really read your words and you are correct that I need to incorporate less judgment in my thought process on those who do not rise above their circumstances. That is the awareness I was looking for when I posted this.

Thanks,

Grumps

[HokeyReligions]

I learned how not to raise children from my parents.

I learned that life is not fair, and the good guy does not always win.

I learned that even if you are nice to people, they aren't always nice to you.

 

I have not risen above my childhood and persevered. I am not successful. I have struggled and fought almost my entire life and I still haven't made it. I have watched other people who have been cruel to me live happy lives without regret.

 

I am, however, a person who reflects. I have compassion and empathy. I was a vegetarian for a long time because I don't want to cause pain. I know a lot about what other people are going through because of my experiences. I cry often when I read bad things in the news.

 

I know that you believe that people who their behavior on their past don't have a good excuse since you have overcome their past. However, I disagree with you. I see things in a different way.

 

We are all born with certain talents, and weaknesses. There is evidence that a lot of personality traits are in-born. You probably possess some traits that make you stronger in some respects, allowing you to overcome your past and succeed.

 

My parents are not bad people. They never deliberately caused me harm but they really did a lot of damage. They were unable to see themselves objectively. They couldn't reflect on their feelings and behavior and make changes. Part of this is upbringing. Part of it is nature.

 

I have no idea why I was able to see the patterns of behavior and analyze my own. Maybe I'm just more intelligent in that respect. I usually know what I'm doing wrong and can figure out how "normal" people are supposed to act. I can see that screaming and hitting your kids is counter-productive and wrong. I am determined to not treat my child that way and so far I have succeeded.

 

Growing up, I was taught by example that when you are angry you yell at someone, lose you temper, throw things, hit people. I did the same thing as a child because I didn't know any better. It took me a couple of years after I left the house how to control my emotions. I used to just scream and break things and flip out. I still have trouble controlling my temper but I'm usually successful.

 

I don't think it's fair for you to judge people who haven't been able to overcome things. They are just different from you.

 

I'm not saying that bad people shouldn't be punished or held accountable for their actions. And I believe that there are people in the world who just lack empathy for whatever reason. Sociopaths. And some people can't see how things really are, they have too many psychological problems blocking their view. But you don't really know what has gone on in another person's life and what they are thinking and feeling. You can try to guess, but that's it.

 

I think that you should be grateful that you have the talent and drive to succeed despite your past, and accept that maybe other people aren't so lucky. Try to help people if you can, and if you think someone isn't going to benefit from it, move on. There are some people that you just can't save, and that's just the way the world is.

 

 

Good grief! Are you me? I would have said almost the same thing.

 

I grew up poor in Michigan. I remember years with no heat or hot water. Just burners on the gas stove that made us all sick in the winter.

 

I was the second to graduate high school and first to go to college. I was kind of a snob when I first got out in the workplace. I had a coworker who was older than me and was married with two kids. Dhe went on and on about the things her rich daddy bought her. She had a wallet full of credit cards that she would max out during the year and daddy would pay off at christmas. And he was putting her kids thru school.

 

I remember talking to someone on thr phone about my college courses the next semester and saying I was so happy that I could afford to put myself thru school without leaning on someone else. I was a brat for a while.

 

I've done a lot of volunteer work for families like mine was. And I don't resent or reject people with money because most have earned it. I do resent people who t hink they are owed something or are entitled to something and are unwilling to contribute anything of themselves.

 

I also do not measure success with money or material assets. I feel sorry for those that do becauee I feel that they are empty and missing out on the true wealth of spirit, soul and personality. That said, I hold on dearly to the possessions I have. I've been poor and I don't want to be that poor again. It scares me because I'm too old to survive it and I have only my ahing and disabled husband. All my family and friends are gone. To be so alone is what I fear. To be alone and destitute is horrifying to me. Thats why I hold to my 'things'. They inspire memories that would othetwise be lost in the fear and lonliness.

[HokeyReligions]

I wanted to add that while I don't measure success with money I also recognized that all success are seldom permanent. Once achivhieved doesn't mean forever. Personal and financial successes come and go. I learned that early. I thought when I got out of school and started supporting myself I would only go up in life. It didn't dawn on me that I could go backwards. It didn't occur to me that my family had been anything but dirt poor since the beginning of time.

 

Come to think of it, I wasn't very bright! I did realize that I was very sheltered. I was different with my kids. I didn't burden them but I didn't lie to them and shelter them into ignorance either.

[Outsider77]

Hokey,

 

I grew up with money, but it didn't do me any good. Being poor is much better if you have a caring family. I would have been better off if I had been poor with a family that treated me right.

 

I was never able to live up to my potential because of all the problems I had. I ended up being poor for my entire adult life so far, even though my family was well-off financially.

[FitChick]

I grew up with money, but it didn't do me any good. Being poor is much better if you have a caring family.

 

Being rich is much better if you have a caring family.

[Outsider77]

Yeah, being rich and having a caring family would have been really great. I didn't even realize that we had money until I was much older. It didn't really do me any good.