Why do men want to be married?

[Silly_Girl]

I just find it silly that love is equated with marriage. People marry for all kinds of reasons that have nothing to do with love, just like people in love don't marry for all kinds of reasons.

 

You find it silly, but do you think folk are lying when they say their love for another urges them to merge their life with the life of their loved one?

 

You are right in that it's not always love, and couples in love would automatically marry were it 'for' love, and they don't. But it's a huge factor for most.

[man_in_the_box]

This is what I've heard from a LOT of men. That, they didn't want to get married, but their gf did - and they weren't ready to stop dating that gf, so they got married. From what I've seen, these NEVER work out. They might "last" a long time, but they aren't working by any means.

 

So what was the direct cause of their marriage dissolution?

 

And do you think the relationship would have prevailed if they had remained an unmarried couple?

[xxoo]

Marriage does not equal love. That's twisting things to the extreme to have something to argue against.

 

The point is that many people do marry because of love. They know the risks, and they know the responsibilities they are taking on, and they do it because they love so deeply.

 

And a desire to devote yourself to a person you love is not the same as having a need to devote yourself to someone. It is a need inspired by the love.

 

I don't see it as so different from adoption. It is legally taking on status of family, with all its joys and responsibilities. It's meaningful. Husband, wife, mother, father: these roles have meaning.

[Woggle]

I have seen many marriages that I would never in a million years want to be a part of but it doesn't have to be like that. It doesn't have to mean the end of freedom for a man is he picks the right partner and marries out of love instead of pressure.

[xxoo]

After all only "real men can get married and stay" right? you don't have to lie to me about how you really feel...only a real man "can love a woman for who she is and unconditionally"...do you and all women determine the definition of what love is for men? because reading these forums it sure does seem like it...and "love" and "strength" don't seem like the tools that are putting humpty-dumpty back together again.

 

It seems like you are projecting a lot of views onto me that I don't have.

 

Real Men don't marry at all if they don't want to. Real Men can love and not marry, as can real women.

 

I'm talking about the reasons Real Men DO marry. They marry because they are strong and love so deeply they are willing to carry her, if needed.

[M30USA]

This is what I've heard from a LOT of men. That, they didn't want to get married, but their gf did - and they weren't ready to stop dating that gf, so they got married. From what I've seen, these NEVER work out. They might "last" a long time, but they aren't working by any means.

 

In business the party that is pushing and rushing the deal is the party that has more to gain. The same applies to marriage.

[man_in_the_box]

Marriage and relationships are subjected to a whole lot of irrational twists and turns that have no place in business.

[Nyla]

That is a nice story. Honestly. But it's a rare exception.

 

I don't think it is a nice story at all. It is very sad. However, the story does speak to the value of marriage in some circumstances. There are HUGE tax breaks that come with being married, as well as a greater ability to build wealth. A friend of mine met Gene Simmons. He said "Getting married is the best business decision a woman can make!"

 

Social benefits of marriage include being perceived as more responsible and mature. I am well aware that many married adults are irresponsible and childish people, but I also know how society views those who are single for life. It is unfair and ridiculous.

 

Emotional benefits of marriage are very hard to explain to someone who is not interested in it. For me, being married gives me a sense of security in my relationship. I know my husband loved me enough to make our relationship official, rather than dating me forever. I felt secure after we were engaged but that increased after we became husband and wife. No sex that I had as a single woman compares to the unique bonding of making love with my husband.

 

I have someone to share joys and pain with because life is hard and we all need companionship. When I recently had surgery, I overheard the nurses talking about how devoted my husband was. An older nurse said that young men are just not committed anymore and they just want to string women along. The older nurse mentioned that my husband understood the true meaning of marriage. Indeed, this man cleaned up my vomit after the painkillers made me sick, fetched my medicine and held my hand during the pain. When I asked him why he was doing all that, my husband looked into my eyes and said "You're my WIFE."

[central]

Marriage is usually a rotten deal for men in most cases, and in most jurisdictions - except when it truly works. Sadly, the costs of failure can be devastating.

 

First time around I got it wrong - I married the wrong person, but just didn't know it at the time The second time around I learned from my mistakes and was very, very careful in my choices.

 

When it works, it is a mutually caring and supportive relationship. You take care of each other and help each other through problems and bad times, and fully enjoy the good times by having someone you love to share them with. Ideally, you not only love each other, you encourage and assist in each other's pursuit of happiness, and encourage and support each other's personal growth.

 

IMO, if the above is not the case in a marriage, it is time to end it even if there are children and other issues that cloud the choice.

[dichotomy]

I suppose I can add something more concrete then my previous response.

 

As a guy this may sound kind of odd - but I wanted to be married because I wanted to be a husband and father. While I am very successful and known in my profession and career and other endeavors - honestly that part of my life was simply a means or a foundation on which to have the kind of family life ...I missed as child of divorced parents. While my marriage has had a major issue (wife EA and sexual issues) I would otherwise say I have achieved the type of "married/family life" I always wanted. The sheer "goodness" (benefit?) of the rest of my marriage and life right now is part reason I did not divorce after EA and other crap came to light. Take away the EA (and associated crap) and the rest of my life is like a Norman Rockwell painting of small town family life (really). I am very at peace with this, and my marriage is a big part of it. Ya - i like marriage and family life and all that can come with it.

 

However, this will be my last marriage- hopefully the good way - all the way - but it will be my last - no matter what. That does not mean I regret it or would not do it again if I could leap back in time -I would - just that I would never remarry or get married again after this one.

 

Just one man's view.

Edited October 15, 2013 by dichotomy

[Ninjainpajamas]

It seems like you are projecting a lot of views onto me that I don't have.

 

They marry because they are strong and love so deeply they are willing to carry her, if needed.

 

Let me make something clear that seems to confuse many people....I may be quoting you initially and directing my replies to you directly to initiate my "argument", but then I shift back to the main arguments expressed here and on other parts of the forums, addressing the common rhetoric and comments made by the general forum/community, based on what I've read on LS in this particular forum, or in other areas as well as real life, and for anyone paying attention it should be pretty common knowledge that these are consistent remarks that pop up frequently in society in general, to distinguish a pattern in common opinion or argument.

 

So when people say I'm "projecting" I'm discussing the subject as a whole, based on feedback from several sources/opinions, not just yourself. I don't simply make an argument based on my own thoughts/ideas without considering that information...that's why I always cover several layers to address multiple opinions/arguments at one time, which can be seen as some "personal issue" that I'm reflecting towards the world because I'm making these things up in my own mind...which I'm not, I'm addressing situations that I see a level of consistency with...not just heard once or twice.

 

And the argument that only unhappy people with problems are on the internet...or in mass here on this forums (another general argument people claim to make LS seem like a bunch of crazies and special needs children so they can get their own superiority complex going) is short-sighted and an argument I don't buy either in the slightest...after all what would you be doing here then? (save the general explanations, I'm sure I've heard them already) what are these other people here that are oh so happily married and fulfilled hanging out with all these manic-depressive and struggling unfortunate souls not experiencing the sanctity and love in their own marriages? are you some kind of masochist? are you not entertained?

 

You think I buy that shet? you think I take everything at face value like some child watching a disney movie? or just because someone writes a "heart-warming" story about their own lives/marriages...I didn't just roll into town last week, and I definitely know the kind of things that people tell themselves, I know well enough that everyone has issues in their marriages and relationships, whether they admit them or not.

 

You can bed of roses your relationship all day long, that's all you need for the believers, but the critics and even for the sake of argument or discussion of anyone even being objective and undecided, you need to make a little more weighty comments filled with actual substance and transparency, an actual reflection of the reality wouldn't hurt!...to get much more than an eye-bat.

 

I have someone to share joys and pain with because life is hard and we all need companionship. When I recently had surgery, I overheard the nurses talking about how devoted my husband was. An older nurse said that young men are just not committed anymore and they just want to string women along. The older nurse mentioned that my husband understood the true meaning of marriage. Indeed, this man cleaned up my vomit after the painkillers made me sick, fetched my medicine and held my hand during the pain. When I asked him why he was doing all that, my husband looked into my eyes and said "You're my WIFE."

 

You know what's funny about this story, I was in your husbands shoes in a previous long-term relationship (two to three years at this point)...I'm mid 20's at best here as well.

 

She was having her first surgery, I was with her in the morning, we both went to the hospital together just her and I (wasn't serious but not overly simple either, but required her to go under)...she came out of surgery very sick, I was by her side, holding her hand...the nurse was explaining to me what was going on and about her medication, everyone assumed I was her husband and addressed me accordingly but I didn't clear it up. I asked the nurse questions as my GF was very groggy and just not really loving life at the moment...I wiped her face with a warm towel, I even kissed her on the lips even though she had been vomiting several times and the nurse said "Now that's love"

 

We pushed her out in a wheel chair to the car, I picked up her up and put her inside, reclined the seat and drove home...had to help her up the stairs (maybe even carry her, don't even remember) to the apartment and then I took care of her, she slept and I fed her and gave her the medication she needed...and I didn't do it because she was my wife, but because I loved her and she was there for me and I was there for her when I needed her.

 

Now I'll admit, I'm not the best care-taker, I probably do a shetty job overall compared to how women have taken care of me in similar situations...which she had done before as I've had plenty of surgeries in my life.

 

My point is, I don't know why people think it's ok to treat each other like shet or not be caring/loving regardless of the title/obligation or level of commitment...I've had friends who are like family if not closer and girlfriends/relationships where we went through a lot of real life things together, we've grown up and went through the same "joys and pains" that likely any married couple would...but I wasn't there because I had to be, and I wasn't there because I was her husband or she my wife...and to me, the value of something done in a marriage is blown way out of proportion, because my experience in that relationship was just as significant to me emotionally...but maybe not worth its weight in gold to the married folk.

 

I suppose I can add something more concrete then my previous response.

 

As a guy this may sound kind of odd - but I wanted to be married because I wanted to be a husband and father. While I am very successful and known in my profession and career and other endeavors - honestly that part of my life was simply a means or a foundation on which to have the kind of family life ...I missed as child of divorced parents. While my marriage has had a major issue (wife EA and sexual issues) I would otherwise say I have achieved the type of "married/family life" I always wanted. The sheer "goodness" (benefit?) of the rest of my marriage and life right now is part reason I did not divorce after EA and other crap came to light. Take away the EA (and associated crap) and the rest of my life is like a Norman Rockwell painting of small town family life (really). I am very at peace with this, and my marriage is a big part of it. Ya - i like marriage and family life and all that can come with it.

 

However, this will be my last marriage- hopefully the good way - all the way - but it will be my last - no matter what. That does not mean I regret it or would not do it again if I could leap back in time -I would - just that I would never remarry or get married again after this one.

 

Just one man's view.

 

I feel like that truth of the matter is that some people are just willing to sacrifice more than others to achieve a life they wish to live. Some people want both worlds, and that's referred to cake-eating.

 

There is a lot of truth in what you are saying in terms of men marrying to be husbands but probably more importantly to be fathers and have the family unit. I don't know many men who've grown up dreaming about their wedding day...I think for many men who desire a family, that's something that just hits them when it's the right time in their lives, or they meet the right woman they've decided to settle down with that could probably fulfill that role well or they're just willing/interested to try and settle down in order to try and make the dream a reality. People fantasize and romanticize marriage, kids and this whole family structure thing and some people won't let that go no matter what is wrong in the relationship.

 

And how else can you do it? what choices do men really have without being labeled or criticized or even women? for many families pregnancy means automatic marriage....regardless of the issues you may have in your marriage, tradition and values takes precedence over all else if you're apart of that dynamic. And of course, if one person doesn't truly want or is ready to be married at that point, there are surely going to be some rifts in the relationship.

 

However being at peace with your life, is a personal choice...not anyone that can decide it for you...but i definitely don't attribute that to just love.

 

Sometimes I also believe marriage is just one of those things you've got to at least try once. It seems like there is a motivation for people to just eventually bite the bullet and see what it's all about...thinking that maybe fantasy is real and it will be this that and the other thing, maybe it'll lead to this ultimate fulfillment or love that the few and far inbetween married couples speak of or the idealist dream about.

 

But at the end of the day, I think people are more scared of being alone than anything else.

[pinkie]

"I am not the way I am because I have not loved or have been in love, I am not opposed to the ideology of marriage because I am bitter or indifferent to my emotions...If you were to meet me I'm very genuine, passionate and human. I'm not someone who deflects life with high walls or refuses to change or see things from another perspective that has good merit just because I simply refuse to believe that it's valid."

 

^^^^My kind of Man!!!

 

Ninjapajamas??? Will you marry me?

[xxoo]

My point is, I don't know why people think it's ok to treat each other like shet or not be caring/loving regardless of the title/obligation or level of commitment...I've had friends who are like family if not closer and girlfriends/relationships where we went through a lot of real life things together, we've grown up and went through the same "joys and pains" that likely any married couple would...but I wasn't there because I had to be, and I wasn't there because I was her husband or she my wife...and to me, the value of something done in a marriage is blown way out of proportion, because my experience in that relationship was just as significant to me emotionally...but maybe not worth its weight in gold to the married folk.

 

Do you feel judged by married people?

 

I'm married. I don't judge or look down on the relationships of my non-married friends. Some of the most loving relationships I know are between non-married couples (and others are between married couples). My own relationship, and the love we shared, was no less valuable before we married.

 

Not everyone values marriage. That's ok. Those who do value marriage, however, are no more weak or deluded than those who don't.

 

Scared to be alone...scared to merge...fears are everywhere. Strong people don't make choices based on fear.

Edited October 16, 2013 by xxoo

[Emilia]

Although this is geared towards men, keep in mind I'm not "blaming women", I'm asking men from a man's point of view...

As a woman with lots of male friends and as someone who walks around with her eyes open, I'd say many men get married because they get tired. They want to be taken care of and not just in the physical sense of the word. They want a home to come to, they want the kind of warmth that they can't get from their fellow mates or from short term relationships. It's in their own interest too to tie a woman down, preferably the best looking/most stable they feel they can get, in order to have stability at home that gives them a peace of mind and stops them chasing after something.

 

Men slow down as they hit their 30s, sometimes genuinely seek more substance and depth because they know they get bored and lonely otherwise and sometimes they just want a break and stability. Of course that starts wearing thin after about 10 years or so, hence the divorce rates.

[Emilia]

However, this will be my last marriage- hopefully the good way - all the way - but it will be my last - no matter what. That does not mean I regret it or would not do it again if I could leap back in time -I would - just that I would never remarry or get married again after this one.

This is how I feel. I am divorced now after 9 years of marriage and will never remarry. It just isn't for me. I can commit to one man, it's not GIGS but I don't want the domestic suffocation it brings, having said that I am still very sorry that my marriage ended and I don't wish divorce on anyone.

 

It's a different kind of life. It's not better than being single, it's just different. It was an experience I do not wish to repeat but I am not sorry that I experienced it, if that makes sense. FYI I separated from exH in 2002 so I've had enough time to make the decision not to remarry.

[Sw3etdev1L]

There are men who love being married!... Why?

It comes a time when they start feeling lonely. Their friends start to get married, clubbing doesn't seem as cool as it was before, going out with different women starts to become a day to day thing if he was a party animal and they start to look out for the challenge in a good woman. They want a partner who is not a man roomy, they want to have sex constantly. They want to be cared for, they want to have a best friend forever in their lives.. because time passes and you want someone to be with you for the best and for the worst, they start to want someone they can trust to, someone they can share their great, regular, and dull moments and feel accepted and loved. They want to be treated nicely, because they want order in their lives, they want a nice routine, they want to share being alone in th house maybe naked, play in the bed with the woman, have sex, they want to raise a family with someone they care for... And if they love the woman, they work not only for themselves but for the woman they love. Eitherways you are gonna have to work, rather do it with a woman you love and loves you than lonely... Maybe you'll get this some other time. Maybe you are not in the momento to stat searching for a woman you love.. But it is not MARRIAGE. Marriage is just a process, and a Word, some papers you can just burn, break whatever... It is a process involving love, and as every great thing in life requires some kind of a personal work, love too requires work from both partners.. There might be ups and downs, but if you two work the love, the love grows. And it starts becoming the most important thing in you life. You just have to look out for the woman who will compliment you , and who you'll love, trust and respect. Not "the right" woman... that doesn't exist.. Just, someone you can chill with, and feel loved.

My before posts are so lame, immature.. Really I can say, I am talking to you with the heart and head.. I love my husband. I love when he enters the house, I love it when we cuddle in the couch and watch tv, I love it when we play games, I love it when we make love, I love it when we play with the dog, I love when we chat, I love going to the park with him and just walking, I love seeing him happy it makes me feel good about myself. I love when he helps me cook (he brings me the sault o the cheese), I love the fact of having him beside me on the bed at night jus sleeping and when he is not there, I miss him and can't sleep. I love having someone I can trust, and who trusts me. And I love him because he makes me feel alive, I love him because he is who he is and sometimes there's things of him which bother me and sometimes I come here and post ****.. But I know nothing of what I post here diminishes the love I feel for him. That's just crap, of when I am angry and I want to vent.. It's just a 10% of a 90% full of love for him, appreciation..

Men work, get stressed out, and it is not just because of the woman, it is because they HAVE to work, or have ambitions or goals they have not achieved. If you have a good woman, the ride of work becomes lighter, because she supports you. Maybe Shell be workin to. Work stresses everybody out, but you have to search out for someone you will be able to chill with at home.

The dynamics of marriage change when there is a couple who loves each other. Even the Word marriage is meaningless, why? because you forget you are married.

Some people say: i will live with this person because I want to try if we work it out together before getting married. And it is fine.

As long as both people love each other and work out their problems with love and respect and communication, the love grows fonder. You even forget you are married. the paper of marriage or whatever doesn't change anything.... of course love evolves, and in the process there are some differences. But I am telling you even those differences help you as a couple as long as you have acceptance, tolerance, respect, and know how to communicate. Love is important in the life of people. Love makes the world have flavor.

[Shepp]

I think it is because we want to share our lives with someone. We want family, a sense of belonging to accompany our everyday struggles and successes. We want someone who reflects our love, commitment and sense of fun back at us so we can enjoy the everyday human experience. We like the adventure of having another person in our minds and hearts and homes.

 

So well said!!!

 

I want to spend my life with someone, I want to tackle life as a team, I want to be with some one who knows me inside out knows how I tick, knows my strengths, knows where I'll fall down and someone who i know all of that about her.

To be loved by the person who you love - that's what makes life come alive!

 

Of course you have your day today life and you might not be sky diving or whitewater rafting every single day but your working at it with someone, to your common goal. Your coming home to someone who cares about you. There's like what 7 billion people in the world and yet to someone, you come top of the list.

 

 

The situation in the OP sounds lonely as hell, I don't want that,mi guess to me the purpose of life is all about people, to of touched people's lives. When I die I want to of shared my whole life with someone, made her laugh, cooked for her, watched xfactor with her, raised a kid with her, gone food shopping with her, gone on holiday with her, missed the flight home with her, to of grown old with her....,to matter to someone, I dnt think it gets any better than that. When the person your crazy in love with looks backmovermher life from her rocking chair and in every memory there's you.

 

 

I rather that then sleep with hundreds of girls wis memory of last night is patchy at best in the morning

[Turtles]

Well you're a woman for one, not a man and that's what it looks like to me...I see men getting yelled at, scolded or expected to do this that and the other thing...and like they say "If momma ain't happy...nobody happy!"

 

Ninja there is no doubt that you raise a lot of valid points and that marriage has a lot of consequences and is not something to be taken lightly. If you go into it with the mindset that it is a power struggle and that you must strive to retain your single lifestyle, then of course you are in for a miserable time.

 

However I get the feeling that you are listening to the "guy talk". Men grumping about their "old ladies". Were you a female you probably would hear the same thing from your girlfriends about their husbands. Then you spend a considerable amount of time on a relationship forum (2700 posts in 2 years!) where people post about their problems, which paint a pretty dark picture of marriage. Only you can decide what is right for you... remember though, a lot of people gripe about their job, but at the end of the day they are glad to have one!

[Emilia]

Ninja there is no doubt that you raise a lot of valid points and that marriage has a lot of consequences and is not something to be taken lightly. If you go into it with the mindset that it is a power struggle and that you must strive to retain your single lifestyle, then of course you are in for a miserable time.

 

However I get the feeling that you are listening to the "guy talk". Men grumping about their "old ladies". Were you a female you probably would hear the same thing from your girlfriends about their husbands. Then you spend a considerable amount of time on a relationship forum (2700 posts in 2 years!) where people post about their problems, which paint a pretty dark picture of marriage. Only you can decide what is right for you... remember though, a lot of people gripe about their job, but at the end of the day they are glad to have one!

Well said.

[Quiet Storm]

My husband and I married very young, 18 & 20. We were in love and once I was out of school he said he wanted to marry me. He said we shouldn't waste time looking for someone else when we already knew each other was "the one". I agreed & we got married.

 

I don't boss him around or make him do things he doesn't want to do. He is actually the more dominant one. I know what you are talking about, though. I have family members that do it. I have no desire to talk down to my husband. I respect him & make sure my actions reflect that.

 

We married because we love each other and wanted to have a family. A traditional family unit where we have the same last names, share a home, eat dinner together, etc.

 

Having kids can be stressful & exhausting sometimes, but it's also rewarding. Our oldest is a senior is HS now. This little baby that we felt kicking in my belly is now 6'2" 230 & just got accepted to Maryland- College Park with academic scholarships. We are so proud. We nurtured & raised an awesome human being. We can't wait to share him with the world. If the only thing we ever got out of this marriage was our three kids, it would be worth it to me.

 

My husband may not get to experience the variety of sex with other people, but we make sure there is variety in other ways. We are playful & flirt throughout the day. There is all kinds of things you can do to keep it fun- role play, making movies, dirty talk, etc. I know he finds other women attractive, but he values what we have enough to protect it. He has good boundaries & keeps himself out of tempting situations.

 

It's not unrealistic to believe a man can still be attracted to his wife after 22 years together. Just last night I was bending over to pick up the dog toys in my yoga pants & he came up behind me, kissed me & off we went to bed. No viagra needed! Boring 37 YO me that he's already had sex with thousands of times, and he still wants it! Imagine that.

 

Marriages ebb & flow like the tide. You can't expect to be completely happy all of the time. It's a series of happy moments, peppered with the good & bad circumstances of life. We argue & bicker, but compromise & fight fair. It's not a competition with us. I don't keep score. If you can be honest with your spouse, resentment doesn't have a place to fester & grow. You learn when you need to give space & you learn when it's time to talk.

 

Marriage is a shared experience. A shared history. I always have someone there to walk beside me, no matter what. (I'm not a believer so I have no god). He has lost both of his parents, and I helped him through that. I have a crazy family & he is my buffer. We step in and be strong for each other if one of us is weak.

 

A marriage won't work if both people don't want to be there. It also won't work if one person is emotionally incapable. Most of the marriages that I see end, it's because one of the spouses has issues- issues that make them a poor candidate for marriage. It's not smart to marry someone with low self esteem, a personality disorder, validation hungry, addictive personality, FOO issues, etc.

 

The most important things you can do to have a successful marriage are: choose wisely, keep your expecations realistic and nurture the marriage with attention, care & consideration.

 

If you don't think you can be with the same person forever, or if you like being alone a lot, then marriage isn't for you.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Ninja there is no doubt that you raise a lot of valid points and that marriage has a lot of consequences and is not something to be taken lightly.

 

Consequence...that is the key word.

 

There are consequences to being married and staying married that men do not realize when they are single and in the honeymoon phase of a relationship...so no, I don't believe men are completely satisfied and happy in their marriages in the long-term, I am sure of it because they can't possibly no any better until they've experienced it, myself included. There are consequences to being married, but men usually just glaze over it with a blank stare in their face to try and subside those emotions.

 

It's painfully obvious that there are some issues/problems that are just vaguely generalized and not even addressed when even speaking in the presence of women...men become like puppy dogs in relationships, their independent thoughts and feelings become manipulated and influenced by their relationships....they're no longer free to speak and even think independently, they do and say everything according to a preconditioned philosophy in their minds of how they will stay "satisfied and happy" without letting those "evil thoughts" that are trying to ruin their marriages, they tell themselves it's not worth it, they talk themselves into it.

 

And I can tell when men are speaking like, speaking like the women about relationships...women don't understand men, they don't know what it's like to be a man, they can't know...and even if you told them they wouldn't believe it...not their men, not their relationship, not their marriage....because everyone woman I've met in a relationship wants to believe that her man is different and she is special, that's the grab, so no, I don't believe when men speak about their relationships on a forum, they speak like politicians avoiding the real questions and just sugar-coating and generalizing a situation that is so much more than that, it is not in the slightest as simple as people are making it out to be, I am certain of that.

 

My husband and I married very young, 18 & 20. We were in love and once I was out of school he said he wanted to marry me. He said we shouldn't waste time looking for someone else when we already knew each other was "the one". I agreed & we got married.

 

I don't boss him around or make him do things he doesn't want to do. He is actually the more dominant one. I know what you are talking about, though. I have family members that do it. I have no desire to talk down to my husband. I respect him & make sure my actions reflect that.

 

I appreciate the balanced perspective from a woman's point of view and sharing your experience, I'm not trying to dismiss your feelings or views.

 

What I am trying to establish here....which is very very difficult for men, is some transparency and truth here, and it doesn't happen, not easily anyway. I don't know what it is about men that make them afraid to express their true and balanced feelings about things, it's almost like they're afraid to admit something or be accused of being guilty by association and this is the problem I have with some married men, it's almost as if their mind plays tricks on them and all they can do and say in situations when they are questioned to think more thoroughly and deeply about something is to give the same pre-recorded message that is safe and general enough for women to accept and most people to just simply nod at.

 

Women eat the generic BS from men up like hot cakes, think about when women date and they're just interested in a guy, everything she feels, thinks, want to see is all already created in their minds...all the man can do is simply throw coal into the fire to keep that going...now I realize that women can be in the "defensive" position, but women also have to understand that women who play hard to get are just as desirable to men as these men are to women...it's a natural thing, it's how shet works, everyone wants what they can't have, nobody really wants anything to be easy...there has to be some kind of challenge and struggle to make something worth having.

 

And at 18 or 20 years old, how much do you really know about "the one" and love? It's all you've known your entire romantic life, now I'll never know what that feels like because I've never been with someone for 22 years but on the same hand I also believe at some point you stop growing with a person, and what you don't realize is a lot of it is you growing up yourself, it's not just the influence, support and love of another...in fact had you been with several men over the course of those 22 years in long-term relationships you might be a completely different person...you would have likely learned different things about yourself because each relationship is different and gives a different perspective about your life and most importantly yourself....and after all, wouldn't you have something to compare to then?

 

I realize people become used to an environment and at some point it becomes apart of who they are without a choice, If someone places you an environment eventually you adjust to that and they don't know any different or better...after a point in a relationship you start to live in a bubble, you even forget what is was like to even feel and think like a single person, you don't even realize how much you've shifted and changed to conform to this relationship together...but I don't believe people are really who they are in relationships, why? because I think the relationship always takes precedence over self-growth....relationships are distracting and take a lot of personal and emotional investment, how much is truly left over for yourself? and how much can you realistically freely grow if you are limited by the terms and conditions of your marriage? It's like saying you can go anywhere you want but you have to say on this one road.

 

These are just elements that are really overlooked by people, they see "love" which becomes ultimately marriage as this saving grace, this batman and robin scenario where you're a duo fighting evil villains and coming out on top at the end of every episode...I'm sorry, but nothing is a bed of roses and there are consequences to every decision, whether it be marriage or being single, those choices are going to impact your life and what you experience and how you grow and I'd say it's actually a overlooked blessing for people not to find "the one" so early on their lives is because for one, you wouldn't trust an 18 year old with a brand new mercedes, why the hell would you think he knows what he wants for the rest of his damn life when he's only spent 18 years on planet earth? does that really even make logical sense to anyone? is that really just some kindred instinct of mythical power you're really supposed to know? I mean really? c'mon folks, I know you're smarter than that.

 

A life-time is a very long time, and guess what it limits your experience, understanding and communication experience because it's just like having different jobs in your life, it challenges you to be more diversified and understanding of how to cope with different situations and people and how in the world would you know this without anything to compare to?

 

There are things that affect men in marriages and even women, but I often see women telling themselves something to avoid recognizing the complete truth and guess what...men stay mostly silent and avoiding of it, because like I said...when you see topics like this women are the first to jump onboard, trying to give this realistic perspective of how their husband feels and thinks, but as a man, listening to it, there's holes in it, just like the guys on here who's opinions have been so conditioned to be married and speaking like married men that they no longer even realize how to be honest with themselves.

 

I know many of you are thinking that these generic feel-good posts from men are justified and heartfelt, or saying I'm bitter and hanging out on LS which is why my opinion is so skewed (I swear, makes me wonder sometimes about people man) but I would advise you ladies to never believe a man when it sounds too good to be true...because you're not getting the whole story, and that's what makes this entire thread frustrating...you know what the greatest advantage men have? that they can hide what they don't want you to know.

 

This is not transparency, some men aren't being honest about their feelings, they either have no idea what the hell they are talking about or they're avoiding talking about things that really hit home in their marriage that they don't want to talk about...what I'm getting at is I don't get the impression that marriage is just about love, and not at all what it is being advertised as...even in the "ideal" situations...why? because it's not just human...and I feel that "marriage" is often so disappointing to people and doesn't end up filling that "void" that they thought it would, which is why I'm challenging these views because I think people have complete misconceptions about the reality and it is largely painted black and white.

 

Everyone just plays "love" and "marriage" like the lotto....hoping to get "lucky"...and that's what many of these arguments perpetuate, like you have no control, you don't "know" until you do it and "take a chance"...people are being honest about their true feelings, woes but only mentioned the successes. There's no way you never had any doubts or wondered about whether you made the right decision or were completely happy and those feelings are valid, not intended to be swept under a rug and not talked about.

[Grumpybutfun]

but I don't believe people are really who they are in relationships, why?

because I think the relationship always takes precedence over

self-growth....relationships are distracting and take a lot of personal and

emotional investment, how much is truly left over for yourself? and how much can

you realistically freely grow if you are limited by the terms and conditions of

your marriage? It's like saying you can go anywhere you want but you have to say

on this one road.

 

The terms and conditions of my marriage suit me very well, and I have actually done more growth while in this marriage than at any other time in my life. Yes, she did influence me and in a very good way. I can see where you might find it to be stifling as you obviously have had some very narrow views of relationships and women. Men marry because they want to grow with someone and they want someone to reflect that life that they have built. I remember what it was like to be single very well. It was great in some ways and lonely in others. However, the picture you have of marriage is just odd. I don't have this woman at home with a bullhorn and bull whip dictating my every move or thought. Marriage is a choice and no man whom you say talks smack, is secretly sad about his marriage and is running after that single life had to get married. They are not victims of some evil woman. Every choice we make is ultimately made by us, and if it isn't, you have more issues than just a manipulative girlfriend.

 

A life-time is a very long time, and guess what it limits your experience,

understanding and communication experience because it's just like having

different jobs in your life, it challenges you to be more diversified and

understanding of how to cope with different situations and people and how in the

world would you know this without anything to compare to?

 

I dated, had sex with and hung out with lots of women before marriage. I was learning all kinds of things exactly when I was supposed to be learning them...when I was an adolescent, a teenager, a young adult and even now. You don't stop learning and growing when you are married, but you do get to see things differently.

 

You see, since I don't care what other people think about me and I am not trying to impress others or win the battle of the sexes, I also never learned how to be bitter, manipulative, gullible, competitive with females, or jaded. Therefore, I never played silly games or became attached to those who didn't deserve my time or attentions.

 

I don't have teenage angst anymore and can actually go through life without searching for the meaning of life every two seconds. Naturally, I am a sponge and I still love to learn, but it isn't about who I am or what I want for my life. Since I actually know who I am and what I want, marriage to one woman doesn't make me simpleminded. It means I don't have to fight all the inner turmoil that being a young adult does, and I am not flailing around trying to figure out stuff like what is important to me. Being in a committed relationship with my wife and building a life together is more important than what single life afforded me. Just because I am at the point in my life that I don't compare my life to every other man's out there and wondering if everyone is doing everything correctly and according to my specifications doesn't make me some bumbling idiot without any enlightenment through questioning. I don't know how old you are, but this stuff was out of my system when I turned thirty. However, it is good for you to question and to learn. Just be careful of your role-models and your sources. No information is better than tainted information, and knowledge comes from acknowledging that information needs to be from reliable sources. Don't get your information from men who are trying to pose, be manly, or who have terrible relationships because they are stuck and angry due to their own decisions to be there.

 

Nothing I say on here is generic platitudes and you saying that about the men who say they have found marriage to be rewarding don't know what they are talking about just sounds hollow and condescending.

 

OP, you have obviously observed some terrible marriages, and you are afraid that no matter what people do they cannot find happiness. You are afraid that the ideal marriage isn't out there, and you would be right because marriage, like fitness or career, is exactly what you make out of it. My marriage may not be perfect, but it is the best thing about my life. You get to choose what you want when you get married, and you get to use all that soul-searching you are doing and make it what you want. I would strongly advise you to stop searching for answers to your own life through the actions, successes and failures of others. Decide what you want and be happy with that decision because it is yours.

Just enjoy life,

Grumps

[eleanorrigby]

I have a crazy family & he is my buffer. We step in and be strong for each other if one of us is weak.

 

I just adore your posts:love: The above part touched me especially because I have a similar issue with a mom that's very intimidating and scary to me and he's always been there to support me when its time to visit. It's something I've always appreciated about him.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Nothing I say on here is generic platitudes and you saying that about the men who say they have found marriage to be rewarding don't know what they are talking about just sounds hollow and condescending.

 

OP, you have obviously observed some terrible marriages, and you are afraid that no matter what people do they cannot find happiness. You are afraid that the ideal marriage isn't out there, and you would be right because marriage, like fitness or career, is exactly what you make out of it. My marriage may not be perfect, but it is the best thing about my life. You get to choose what you want when you get married, and you get to use all that soul-searching you are doing and make it what you want. I would strongly advise you to stop searching for answers to your own life through the actions, successes and failures of others. Decide what you want and be happy with that decision because it is yours.

Just enjoy life,

Grumps

 

These aren't as personal of jabs as you may interpret them, and believe me, the comments made about those who are "single" can be quite offensive as well...not everyone who is single lives a promiscuous life without any substance in their romantic lives...I swear it's like people are thinking about some seedy porn with horrendous acting when describing people who they were themselves at one point...but maybe that's your problem when you're single, isn't mine, nor is my experience in any way narrow...it's opinionated and judgmental, but I'm not trying to be nice about it, I'm trying to make the stance and positioning clear...and I'm going to say how I feel, not going to pretend to be the dalai-lama here, if that challenges your situation for the sake of proving the point that's what I'll do...I challenge ideals and peoples perspectives to get more information out there, it's what I do and what I'm good at and I don't succeed at that by talking out my arse...but in all honesty, has nothing to do with you and your personal life...I'm discussing the main topic, so of course I will challenge your beliefs and ideals to gain transparency because at the end of the day it's up to people to decide for themselves, I'd hope that they would have as much information to take into consideration as possible.

 

I believe there are a lot of bad marriages out there, and people don't understand why. And I don't believe it helps people in any way when you say you're marriage just works for you because that's the way it is. And that's what's disappointing, because that's what everyone thinks at first...like you just know and then you do it, then you end up divorced and realized you were wrong, and maybe even wasted a lot of time and years on this person and relationship....that didn't help you grow as much as you thought it did and probably damaged you more than you'd like to admit, maybe even for the rest of your life.

 

The problem is why some marriages work and why others don't doesn't get discussed...it's simplified and people look for a few encouraging scenarios and relationships then bam...make up their minds, because if you're looking to lean one way or the the other you're usually just looking for what you want to see anyway.

 

Look Grumps, I've realized I've challenged you throughout this post, but it wasn't to attack you...it was in the hopes that you'd say or give something different, maybe even a part of your marriage that you weren't happy with and how you overcame it, maybe a real life solution that real men deal with in their own lives so that those men could actually relate without having to be in your exact shoes, I was giving you an opportunity to convince someone other than the people who would be on your side regardless...but instead it's just this "it works for me, best thing in my life" kind of thing which is fine for you, but there's no direct examples or comparisons, there's no mention of the struggles and issues that are oh so common and typical, instead you like many other men...believe it or not, act and portray this image of being above it and in this peace...but it's not that credible for men, because it leaves nothing for the men on the other side to relate to, unless they simply agree or the typical positive reinforcement that women love to hear from men to think some are different than others, like they each come from different planets.

 

At the end of the day what this thread represents the most to me, is men simply don't talk openly enough about their feelings on a major topic that concerns a lot of men for many different reasons...that's why this has been directed towards men, women are already vocal and transparent about their thoughts and feelings at least in this regard, as much as they can be.

 

And for them to describe that in detail, is even smaller. But you can't ever avoid the topic of marriage even if you tried, it's something pretty much all men have to face at one point...and it's not just as simple as making a choice.

 

This subject therefore is something I believe is important to talk about, this is not just about me.

[Quiet Storm]

Consequence...that is the key word.

 

There are consequences to being married and staying married that men do not realize when they are single and in the honeymoon phase of a relationship...so no, I don't believe men are completely satisfied and happy in their marriages in the long-term, I am sure of it because they can't possibly no any better until they've experienced it, myself included. There are consequences to being married, but men usually just glaze over it with a blank stare in their face to try and subside those emotions.

 

You are sure that there are no men happy & satisfied in their marriages? How are you sure about that? If a man feels like marriage is a punishment, then something's wrong. Either he is not a marriage minded man, or he married the wrong woman. Not all marriages are like that.

 

It's painfully obvious that there are some issues/problems that are just vaguely generalized and not even addressed when even speaking in the presence of women...men become like puppy dogs in relationships, their independent thoughts and feelings become manipulated and influenced by their relationships....they're no longer free to speak and even think independently, they do and say everything according to a preconditioned philosophy in their minds of how they will stay "satisfied and happy" without letting those "evil thoughts" that are trying to ruin their marriages, they tell themselves it's not worth it, they talk themselves into it.

 

I told my husband this, and he said that the men you describe probably had dads that were pus5ies or were raised by single moms. He said men raised in a home with a strong and assertive dad wouldn't have this view of marriage. He said to tell you you're wrong and that he's the king of his castle And to find some married friends that have balls.

 

And I can tell when men are speaking like, speaking like the women about relationships...women don't understand men, they don't know what it's like to be a man, they can't know...and even if you told them they wouldn't believe it...not their men, not their relationship, not their marriage....because everyone woman I've met in a relationship wants to believe that her man is different and she is special, that's the grab, so no, I don't believe when men speak about their relationships on a forum, they speak like politicians avoiding the real questions and just sugar-coating and generalizing a situation that is so much more than that, it is not in the slightest as simple as people are making it out to be, I am certain of that.

 

 

I will never be a man, but I have loved a man since he was 17. I have raised another one that is 17. I have a very honest & flawed man as a father. I read my sons texts. I know men are shallow, sexually driven, selfish. I just think they have a lot of good qualities, too Men have a very primal aspect to them, but that part of yourself doesn't have to rule you. You also don't always have to hide that part of you. There is nothing sexy about a man that does whatever you want, agrees with everything you say, and acts like a puppy wanting to please his owner. I would not find that attractive.

 

 

 

What I am trying to establish here....which is very very difficult for men, is some transparency and truth here, and it doesn't happen, not easily anyway. I don't know what it is about men that make them afraid to express their true and balanced feelings about things, it's almost like they're afraid to admit something or be accused of being guilty by association and this is the problem I have with some married men, it's almost as if their mind plays tricks on them and all they can do and say in situations when they are questioned to think more thoroughly and deeply about something is to give the same pre-recorded message that is safe and general enough for women to accept and most people to just simply nod at.

 

These men are choosing to keep parts of themselves secret. It's on them. Men don't all have this filter around their wife. Not all men are like this. And there are women out there that you can be real around.

 

Women eat the generic BS from men up like hot cakes, think about when women date and they're just interested in a guy, everything she feels, thinks, want to see is all already created in their minds...all the man can do is simply throw coal into the fire to keep that going...now I realize that women can be in the "defensive" position, but women also have to understand that women who play hard to get are just as desirable to men as these men are to women...it's a natural thing, it's how shet works, everyone wants what they can't have, nobody really wants anything to be easy...there has to be some kind of challenge and struggle to make something worth having.

 

Some men love the conquest, the chase. Some men hate it. They'd rather just have one woman that loves him & he can get sex from when he's horny. Some men start out like this and evolve. You make way too many false judgments. It may serve you well to work on that .

 

 

And at 18 or 20 years old, how much do you really know about "the one" and love? It's all you've known your entire romantic life, now I'll never know what that feels like because I've never been with someone for 22 years but on the same hand I also believe at some point you stop growing with a person, and what you don't realize is a lot of it is you growing up yourself, it's not just the influence, support and love of another...in fact had you been with several men over the course of those 22 years in long-term relationships you might be a completely different person...you would have likely learned different things about yourself because each relationship is different and gives a different perspective about your life and most importantly yourself....and after all, wouldn't you have something to compare to then?

 

I knew I wanted him, and I made the right choice. Young doesn't have to mean dumb. I didn't stop growing & neither did he. We just grew side by side.

 

I realize people become used to an environment and at some point it becomes apart of who they are without a choice, If someone places you an environment eventually you adjust to that and they don't know any different or better...after a point in a relationship you start to live in a bubble, you even forget what is was like to even feel and think like a single person, you don't even realize how much you've shifted and changed to conform to this relationship together...but I don't believe people are really who they are in relationships, why? because I think the relationship always takes precedence over self-growth....relationships are distracting and take a lot of personal and emotional investment, how much is truly left over for yourself? and how much can you realistically freely grow if you are limited by the terms and conditions of your marriage? It's like saying you can go anywhere you want but you have to say on this one road.

 

As I said, we still grew. We matured and changed, just together in the same house. We became parents. When you have kids your priorities change, your outlook changes, your purpose changes. You have a negative opinion of it. But it's not a bad thing. Just because you want different things than when you were single, doesn't mean you're missing out. People change, evolve, mature. They may not care about being limited. They don't all feel constrained & restricted. This means you aren't ready to be married. But you may not always feel like this. Or you might be like forever. But not all men are like you.

 

These are just elements that are really overlooked by people, they see "love" which becomes ultimately marriage as this saving grace, this batman and robin scenario where you're a duo fighting evil villains and coming out on top at the end of every episode...I'm sorry, but nothing is a bed of roses and there are consequences to every decision, whether it be marriage or being single, those choices are going to impact your life and what you experience and how you grow and I'd say it's actually a overlooked blessing for people not to find "the one" so early on their lives is because for one, you wouldn't trust an 18 year old with a brand new mercedes, why the hell would you think he knows what he wants for the rest of his damn life when he's only spent 18 years on planet earth? does that really even make logical sense to anyone? is that really just some kindred instinct of mythical power you're really supposed to know? I mean really? c'mon folks, I know you're smarter than that.

 

I knew I wanted to be with him. It hasn't changed. If it did change, I could get a divorce. Most 18 YOs aren't ready to get married, but I was. I had already been with him three years by then. We finished growing up together as husband & wife. It may be rare, but it happens.

 

A life-time is a very long time, and guess what it limits your experience, understanding and communication experience because it's just like having different jobs in your life, it challenges you to be more diversified and understanding of how to cope with different situations and people and how in the world would you know this without anything to compare to?

 

You think married people are missing out on something. I think single people are missing out on something.

 

There are things that affect men in marriages and even women, but I often see women telling themselves something to avoid recognizing the complete truth and guess what...men stay mostly silent and avoiding of it, because like I said...when you see topics like this women are the first to jump onboard, trying to give this realistic perspective of how their husband feels and thinks, but as a man, listening to it, there's holes in it, just like the guys on here who's opinions have been so conditioned to be married and speaking like married men that they no longer even realize how to be honest with themselves.

 

As a man? You are are just one man. Some men are genuinely happy being married. Not all married guys have this "woman filter" that you describe. My father was real around my mom. It wasn't always pretty. If some men feel this need to "protect" their women from the realities of their minds- that is on them. Not all men are like this. There are some cultures where most of the men are not like this. You have been around weak men, so this is your perspective.

 

I know many of you are thinking that these generic feel-good posts from men are justified and heartfelt, or saying I'm bitter and hanging out on LS which is why my opinion is so skewed (I swear, makes me wonder sometimes about people man) but I would advise you ladies to never believe a man when it sounds too good to be true...because you're not getting the whole story, and that's what makes this entire thread frustrating...you know what the greatest advantage men have? that they can hide what they don't want you to know.

 

Yeah they keep secrets, but not all of them do. Not all of them have to.

 

 

Everyone just plays "love" and "marriage" like the lotto....hoping to get "lucky"...and that's what many of these arguments perpetuate, like you have no control, you don't "know" until you do it and "take a chance"...people are being honest about their true feelings, woes but only mentioned the successes. There's no way you never had any doubts or wondered about whether you made the right decision or were completely happy and those feelings are valid, not intended to be swept under a rug and not talked about

 

You can minimize the chance of failure by not getting married if you aren't marriage minded. Choose your partner wisely. My husband had a strong, military father. He had a good model for a dad. If I had chosen someone like the guys you describe, I would not be happy.

 

Marriage isn't easy. It has ups & downs. Why do you assume these things can't be talked about? Not all married men feel the need to be fake around women. Doubts, worries, regrets, wishes do not have to be hidden. You help each other.

 

Your view of marriage is nothing like my marriage. You need to diversify your sample.

Edited October 19, 2013 by Quiet Storm