Why shouldn't I?

[melissag]

It's been two weeks since H dropped the bomb. Long story short, we had longstanding issues, he got to the point where he decided to look for reasons to give up rather than make it work. (Of course he sees it as I didn't fix his problems - not much acknowledgement that there were two people with each their own issues, but whatever.) Blindsided me with a very confident decision that he wants a D. My emotions all over the place, of course. Really floundering, trying to decide what to do and how to act. He is perfectly nice to me (dare I say happy, which I imagine is because he now feels free of me and his misery). When we hang out as a family we have a great time. OK, so I shouldn't be so nice because he's an A-hole and is trashing our family, right? I was thinking, I shouldn't have fun with him because then I will just be hurt all over every time he talks about moving out, telling the kids, etc. But then I think - so? Why shouldn't I just enjoy my family (and let my kids) for the very short time I have left? I am going to feel horrible when he does move out regardless, so why not put off the torment? (Not to say I am torment free, but I am less tormented when we do things and have fun.)

 

Once he moves out, no, I won't be contacting him other than to discuss kids, logistics, etc. But tell me if I am crazy for just wanting to (if I feel like it, since sometimes I feel like kicking him in the balls) enjoy the last few weeks.

[Ronni_W]

There isn't any real reason not to, melissa. Especially since you seem to be quite clear and understanding of what's to come.

 

I quite agree with you in any case: why not take one's moments of happiness when, how and wherever they present themselves? No reason at all not to...as long as there is no illusional or delusional hopes of the future ending up any different than what it looks like in the present moment.

 

Best of luck. I'm sorry that you're going through this and having the crappy times to "look forward" to.

[Tayla]

When a relation meets its finish line, some rant, some quietly move along, some choose to bounce and stomp. To each their own. I personally chose the civil route despite the "commoness" people think they are "entitled" to exhibit, such as demeaning or derogatory retaliations. Never quite figured that out why folks cannot be civil when the end has been decided. Nothing changes it....So make the best of it...its the foundation and reflection of what is to come...so make it a good one...Particularly if kids are involved...They deserve to see mature adult behavior ....One nice thing ...we grow from it ..

 

On a brief emotional note...I do feel for ya...its not an easy transistion ....

[melissag]

There isn't any real reason not to, melissa. Especially since you seem to be quite clear and understanding of what's to come.

 

I quite agree with you in any case: why not take one's moments of happiness when, how and wherever they present themselves? No reason at all not to...as long as there is no illusional or delusional hopes of the future ending up any different than what it looks like in the present moment.

 

Best of luck. I'm sorry that you're going through this and having the crappy times to "look forward" to.

 

OK, well I'm not going to say that I can completely avoid any illusional or delusional thoughts hopes about something changing . . . but that's where I am right now . . . have not yet accepted it. But is it going to hurt me any more than I am already hurt? I can't really see how. We have two children and there is no point ending it on bad terms. Well, there would be only one point, and that would be that I would let him know what an ass I think he is, and how he sucks for hurting our sweet children who have done nothing wrong. (It may turn out that once we tell them and I see the looks on their faces, I will hate him forever and hope he dies a slow, torturous death, but we shall see.) Basically, trying to make sure he doesn't walk around all happy with a clear conscience. But you know what? First off, nothing I say is going to change what is on his conscience, and second, how does that do me any good? It's just venting.

 

BTW, I'll probably be back tomorrow saying I want to burn his clothes in a bonfire in the front yard, but tonight, I plan to just be kind and enjoy while I still can.

[Ronni_W]

When that happens tomorrow, I'll be telling you don't forget the marshmallows and where is the party?

But is it going to hurt me any more than I am already hurt?

Unfortunately, yes...it is going to hurt much, MUCH worse than now.

 

And it's going to do that no matter what you do now, in the short-term.

 

So, the reason to not be over-friendly and outwardly the same as things have always been is that such environment can very easily generate, sustain false hope.

 

It's sucks now. What's coming is going to suck more. And that sucks worst of all.

Hugs.

[melissag]

When that happens tomorrow, I'll be telling you don't forget the marshmallows and where is the party?

 

Unfortunately, yes...it is going to hurt much, MUCH worse than now.

 

And it's going to do that no matter what you do now, in the short-term.

 

So, the reason to not be over-friendly and outwardly the same as things have always been is that such environment can very easily generate, sustain false hope.

 

It's sucks now. What's coming is going to suck more. And that sucks worst of all.

Hugs.

 

Oh, I think it's pretty much all crap from here. Every step is going to make it worse and worse. Telling the kids. Him moving out. Having to be without my kids when they are with him. Not being able to do things as a family. Having to split up all our "things." Selling the house. It just seems to get worse and worse. So I might as well be able to smile now, right? No? I just don't know. It's much easier to say "move on, let him go" than to do it. There is nothing in me right now that is in any place to do that. I wouldn't even know how to begin. Maybe I am just trying to avoid the feelings I am feeling - I'm not good at being angry, sad, etc.

[Criticality]

Well, you'll have to deal with him from time to time until the kids are at least 18. If you can stay on a friendly basis, isn't that good?

 

And for the kids, its obviously preferable for mommy and daddy to be nice around each other. Seeing their parents act "business like" or "courteous" to each other makes it even weirder for them.

[Mr. Lucky]

^^^

Agree with this. At this point, it's all about the transition for the kids. And as selfishly as your H has been acting, I'd guess you're going to have to be the anchor as life moves forward. This double burden isn't for the faint of heart because, during the inevitable relationship chaos that divorce brings, you'll have to convey to your children that they're loved and protected. And you might be the only parent doing so.

 

So business as usual for the family while you can? Sure. Any other time, do what works for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[M30USA]

When a relation meets its finish line, some rant, some quietly move along, some choose to bounce and stomp. To each their own. I personally chose the civil route despite the "commoness" people think they are "entitled" to exhibit, such as demeaning or derogatory retaliations. Never quite figured that out why folks cannot be civil when the end has been decided. Nothing changes it....So make the best of it...its the foundation and reflection of what is to come...so make it a good one...Particularly if kids are involved...They deserve to see mature adult behavior ....One nice thing ...we grow from it ..

 

On a brief emotional note...I do feel for ya...its not an easy transistion ....

 

Totally agree. My ex wife (and her mother) had to do their little Latina "chica stomps" throughout the divorce process. Eve their lawyer had "client control problems" when, at first, things didnt go their way and their false accusations didnt make me lose my children. People need to take some Ritalin, chill out, and stop their petty fighting. We are all going to die and we sure as hell ain't taking anything with us. Let go. While I definitely tried to get primary custody, I'm not going to sell my soul and lie for it. Did Jesus not say that whoever puts brothers or sisters or children above Him is not worthy of the kingdom of heaven?

Edited October 12, 2013 by M30USA

[melissag]

OK, the truth is, I want to save my marriage. It certainly does seem dead and gone in my H's eyes, but I can't just let it go. It means too much to me and to my kids. I have to know that I have done everything I can . . . even if it is too late. This doesn't mean begging, pleading, fighting, making the process difficult. It means being kind and showing H that I do care, and that the person he sees me as (someone he can no longer be married to) isn't the person I am - it's the person I became stuck in a crappy marriage. I'm just trying to show that by my actions. But even if it doesn't save my M, then at least we will maybe have a better co-parenting relationship, which is good for everyone. And, I will be becoming the person I want to be - that I really am. Yes, focusing on this rather than letting go may cause more hurt down the line, but it's what I feel I need to do right now. Hopefully when the time comes to let go, I will know. It's just not now.

 

MrL, thanks for your reply. None of this is for the faint of heart, is it? It's incredibly difficult any way you slice it. It's got me thinking, at the moment, that I may end up being a spinster with cats. I do know, however, that I will not be the only one letting the kids know that they are protected and loved. H will do that, too. Not sure how much it will mean to them given that he is moving out and initiating this whole thing (not that I plan to blame him, but they are not stupid and I think it will be plainly obvious whose idea this is regardless), but I know he will do his best.

[melissag]

Thanks, BK. I'm not worried about finances for the time being, because I am in control of all that and both our names are on everything. At some point, we will agree on things with a mediator, and that agreement will end up being a court order.

 

So, yes, I could say FU, you want a divorce, good, screw you. But you know what? I take a portion of the responsibility for this. I was *not* a great wife all these years, any more than he was a great husband. There was a vicious cycle, and I don't know where it started, but it resulted in us each pushing the other away. I became a person I don't even know and sure as hell don't like. And so first off, I think if I say "fine then, FU, get out, good riddance," then no, he will NOT miss me. He will not think gee, look what I gave up. He will think, "yep, I made the right decision." He will only have some clue what he is giving up if he sees the real me (the person he married). Maybe he won't think that either way, but at least if I am kind and confident and myself, then I will have that for me. Right?

 

I will look for surfer's story. And consider myself warned. But it's just what I feel I have to do right now. I'm not a doormat by any means, and if I feel I am being used, I won't tolerate it . . . but that is a chance that, at the moment, I am willing to take.

[Tayla]

A mature Adult can be civil despite the ammunition being tossed their way.

Your perception of Foretelling how the kids will behave may not be the reality of the news. Place your personal interjection to the side, and be supportive of them. They don't need an erratic parent who is tossing demeaning comments to the other parent. This goes both ways....

 

Go thru what you must, call a best friend to spew your animosity...just make sure its not within range of the kids. They deserve better.

[Tayla]

Well, you'll have to deal with him from time to time until the kids are at least 18. If you can stay on a friendly basis, isn't that good?

 

And for the kids, its obviously preferable for mommy and daddy to be nice around each other. Seeing their parents act "business like" or "courteous" to each other makes it even weirder for them.

 

Criticality- Actually that is exactly what my ex and I did, we spoke respectfully in front of the kids ...and still do. (Done hj this post).

Hopefully the OP can see that wisdom from those who walked the path can curtail any snafu's ensuing.

[melissag]

A mature Adult can be civil despite the ammunition being tossed their way.

Your perception of Foretelling how the kids will behave may not be the reality of the news. Place your personal interjection to the side, and be supportive of them. They don't need an erratic parent who is tossing demeaning comments to the other parent. This goes both ways....

 

Go thru what you must, call a best friend to spew your animosity...just make sure its not within range of the kids. They deserve better.

 

Wait . . . what? The whole point of this thread is that I intend to be kind and civil. The only thing erratic about me is my emotions, and the only person who knows that are a couple of good friends/family members, me and my therapist. I put up a pretty good performance around H and the kids. Neither of us are going to demean the other in front of the kids, I'm not worried about that. And honestly, at the moment I have far more regret than animosity.

[Mr. Lucky]

I will look for surfer's story. And consider myself warned. But it's just what I feel I have to do right now. I'm not a doormat by any means, and if I feel I am being used, I won't tolerate it . . . but that is a chance that, at the moment, I am willing to take.

It's a thin line. Every "left behind" spouse has felt the same way you do - if I'm (fill in the blank - kind, loving, sexy, etc) enough, the leaving spouse will see the error of their ways. But your H (in his mind) isn't leaving you, he's leaving the marriage and his perceived role in it. Unless he's willing to do the work to change those perceptions, nothing you can do to reel him back in.

 

In my mind, that's why the 180 works so well. It helps remove drama, let's you grow as a person and gives your spouse a chance to see you differently. Win, win and win. Be careful with overt demonstrations of kindness and caring as they're easily colored as needy and nagging...

 

Mr. Lucky

[melissag]

It's a thin line. Every "left behind" spouse has felt the same way you do - if I'm (fill in the blank - kind, loving, sexy, etc) enough, the leaving spouse will see the error of their ways. But your H (in his mind) isn't leaving you, he's leaving the marriage and his perceived role in it. Unless he's willing to do the work to change those perceptions, nothing you can do to reel him back in.

 

In my mind, that's why the 180 works so well. It helps remove drama, let's you grow as a person and gives your spouse a chance to see you differently. Win, win and win. Be careful with overt demonstrations of kindness and caring as they're easily colored as needy and nagging...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I definitely see the thin line. Yes, he is leaving *me*. He views me as the cause of his misery and leaving me is relief. I am trying not to do anything that is overt kindness, just being agreeable, happy, and easy to get along with, and trying to give him space. I'm not killing him with kindness, just trying to be (read: at the moment, pretending to be) happy and fun. You are right, he has spent many months and maybe even more than that focusing on anything and everything negative so when he thinks of me, he thinks of someone he wants to leave. I'm probably not going to change that overnight. I'm mainly doing 180 (as in the book), but when he is around, and wants to be around, I'm just making that happy, rather than making myself scarce. Since he views me as someone who makes him miserable, he is not going to miss me if I just disappear. In order for him to miss me, ever, he needs to remember me as someone fun and happy . . . so I have to do my best, in this short time frame left, to show him that. I do give him space, I do not talk about the marriage, I do not ask for reassurances, write him notes, follow him around. I don't touch him at all (even though this is the hardest part and makes me want to kill myself) or ask him for anything.

 

Am I sure this will do any good? No. But I don't know what else to do. It's definitely helpful to have input from the great folks here, and I do value it and put to use much of the advice.

 

ETA: This is already wearing on me quite a bit . . . just how clear it is that he doesn't give a **** about me, how I feel, what I am up to, etc. We talk only about him. He does whatever he wants. I'll suck it up for a while, but I think at some point I will get tired of it and realize that I deserve something more - then maybe I can get mad and start to move on?

Edited October 13, 2013 by melissag

[Misadventure]

 

BTW, I'll probably be back tomorrow saying I want to burn his clothes in a bonfire in the front yard, but tonight, I plan to just be kind and enjoy while I still can.

 

And.... that is ok... you can feel like that. He is a pig rat b.a.s.t.a.rd who has left you and your kids in search of the infamous greener grass. My stbx had asked my neighbors the weekend after he left if all his clothes were on the lawn or burned...he obviously knows I am capable of it...but I was too much of a mess to do it..and I chose to rise above it.

 

But I plan to torch them when the divorce is over.

 

This person, just like mine, changed your life without your input..made the decision for not only you but your kids without thinking of your feelings or what you wanted. Really..does he not deserve his clothes to be danced around in a bonfire singing "Stronger" by Kelly Clarkson lol.

[Mr. Lucky]

I definitely see the thin line. Yes, he is leaving *me*. He views me as the cause of his misery and leaving me is relief. I am trying not to do anything that is overt kindness, just being agreeable, happy, and easy to get along with, and trying to give him space. I'm not killing him with kindness, just trying to be (read: at the moment, pretending to be) happy and fun. You are right, he has spent many months and maybe even more than that focusing on anything and everything negative so when he thinks of me, he thinks of someone he wants to leave. I'm probably not going to change that overnight. I'm mainly doing 180 (as in the book), but when he is around, and wants to be around, I'm just making that happy, rather than making myself scarce. Since he views me as someone who makes him miserable, he is not going to miss me if I just disappear. In order for him to miss me, ever, he needs to remember me as someone fun and happy . . . so I have to do my best, in this short time frame left, to show him that. I do give him space, I do not talk about the marriage, I do not ask for reassurances, write him notes, follow him around. I don't touch him at all (even though this is the hardest part and makes me want to kill myself) or ask him for anything.

 

Sounds like you've got it covered. No need to be a jerk to him and that's not what you want the kids to see anyway. You just want him - and others - to see that you're moving on with or without him.

ETA: This is already wearing on me quite a bit . . . just how clear it is that he doesn't give a **** about me, how I feel, what I am up to, etc. We talk only about him. He does whatever he wants. I'll suck it up for a while, but I think at some point I will get tired of it and realize that I deserve something more - then maybe I can get mad and start to move on?

Well that's the next step . And guess what - the more you cared and bent over backwards to try and make in work during the transition, the angrier you'll be when he leaves. Part of the process...

 

Mr. Lucky

[melissag]

Sounds like you've got it covered. No need to be a jerk to him and that's not what you want the kids to see anyway. You just want him - and others - to see that you're moving on with or without him.

 

Well that's the next step . And guess what - the more you cared and bent over backwards to try and make in work during the transition, the angrier you'll be when he leaves. Part of the process...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Well, guess what? Today, I am MAD. I am MAD that H views every problem in the relationship as his problem that I needed to fix. Is he a narcissist or what? No acknowledgement that I couldn't fix his problems because I had my own problems that he did nothing to fix. I'm not blaming him, I think we contributed equally. But Somehow to him it's all about him and his problems and how I didn't fix them. And I am also MAD that we have a happy house, with happy kids, no worries about money, etc. We have fun together, and 13+ years of love and being together. He has a wife who loves him and is willing to do whatever it takes to see that we are happy. But nope. It seems like a better option to him to leave, give up, give up his kids (at least half the time), go through the hell that is divorce, shatter his children, live poorer, etc. How is that possible? How does this look like a better option? I am convinced he does not currently have someone else - there is just no way. He is always around his family, hasn't been texting anyone, no long phone calls to anyone, etc. But yes, I think that he does fantasize that there is some woman (maybe one he already knows) who will be SOOOOO great that it is worth dropping his family?

 

WTF???

[littlejaz]

I am with you beenkilled. All my STBXH ever wanted to discuss were his issues with our marriage. The closest he came to acknowledging my issues was to claim that he couldn't help it, it was just the way he was and it was all because he grew up without a father. What he always ignored was that I grew up without a father also.

 

I am just so sick of hearing, "well if she didn't, then I wouldn't (fill in the blank with any ridiculous behavior that fits your particular situation)."

 

Anyway it is amazing to me that they hold every breath we take against us but they are not responsible for any of their actions because they can't help it.

 

He wasn't happy before we got married, he wasn't happy while we were married and he isn't happy now that we are getting divorced. Sounds like his problem to me. That seems to be a common thread with these people, everyone else especially their spouse is responsible for their happiness and they are responsible for nothing not even their own actions.

 

Sorry for the rant but this one hit home.

Edited October 14, 2013 by littlejaz

[Friggia]

Being MAD is ok Melissa....your H is acting like a spoiled brat ME ME it's all about ME!! WTF is right!!

 

I know you said you weren't a good wife but somehow I find it hard to believe You seem so level headed and down to earth.

 

My H did the same thing. He blamed me for everything. I didn't care about him, I didn't keep the house spotless (excuse the F out of me! I'm kinda busy running my small company!) I didn't work enough, I worked too much! I didn't dress to the nines and wear makeup to sit around our house and watch him play video games!! I didn't take care of him W H A T !! I make dinner every night, do his laundry, run errands, do all the shopping, clean the house, AND run my business... But I guess I didn't fall to my knees and lick his damn boots when he got home...I didn't baby him enough, I didn't faint at the mere sight of his sexiness

 

He did ZERO to help our marriage. YES, we lived like roomates, I don't deny it but guess what! HE was part of that equation! I refused to take all the blame..was I perfect? NOPE. Was he? NOPE. Is anyone? NOPE.

 

I am a GOOD wife and I know it. You are too. He just has you convinced that it's all your fault,( hell my H had me convinced I was horrible!!) well that's bullshick Melissa! You aren't perfect ( NO ONE IS) but you aren't throwing your family in the garbage can! It takes a special kind of jerk to be able to do that! :sick::sick:

 

I am so sick of these Aholes whining and crying about how "we" didn't do this, we didn't do that..wha! WHA! WTF have THEY done? Besides sit around feeling sorry for themselves?? What? OH...WHOAS me, my life is so miserable. :sick::sick: If only I hadn't married YOU, my life would be happy, if only this, if only that...BLAH! It's disgusting. I'm over it with my H. He can hit the door whenever he wants! I'm so sick of his "unhappiness"....I've never met anyone in my life that has everything and is STILL miserable. BARF! It's sickening.

 

HIS happiness isn't your responsibility. It's unfair of him to place it on your shoulders. AND no matter what you do, no matter how perfect you become....it'll never be enough. it'll never satisfy him. He's way too focused on how happy he is going to be once he dumps his family.

 

Sorry for the rant! I'm just tired of them!

 

This post jolted me out of a funk I was in, and that's hard to do these days. I think we all need to hear this and stick up for ourselves. Don't be sorry, BK!

[melissag]

Ugh. I am so sad that you all are going through this same thing. How did you get from the point where you were crushed and hurt and sad, to where you could accept that your H has turned into a jerk, or was always a jerk, or was eaten by aliens, or whatever you believe now? I am mad but am also having a lot of trouble believing this is my H. My wonderful H whom I have loved for 13+ years. How do I get from Point A to Point B?

 

Thx for the confidence, bk. I am surely not a horrible person, nor the person H makes me out to be, but there was a vicious cycle in our marriage of not being able to give the other what we needed . . . so for that I say no, I wasn't the best wife I could be. The difference between me and him at this point, I guess, is that I recognize and acknowledge my role and my responsibility, and I would have done ANYTHING to work on it and make it better. Whereas he has placed all of the blame on me, ignored the fact that I also have feelings and needs, and has unilaterally decided to just trash our family. I'm just having trouble putting this all together. I am wracked with regret and sadness, but hurt and anger too.

[melissag]

Oh, I forgot to share the best little nugget I heard. My H and I have gone to see a counselor who helps with the transition for the children. We first went separately. When my H came back, he said that he liked the way the counselor put it - that getting D was like an "honorable discharge."

 

Oh yes, it's so honorable to leave your wife and children.

[Yarrow]

I'm thinking of it more as I am "releasing him from his vows." He can take his freedom, not that it will do him much good. For my part, I know I meant my vows, but there's no point making him live up to something he isn't man enough to live up to. There is dishonor in this, but the dishonor is not mine.

[littlejaz]

You get from point A to point B one step at a time, through a lot of tears and anger. It is not easy but it will be worth it when you get to point B. Making it to point B means you took care of yourself and that is the best feeling in the world. You must take care of you before you can take care of others. You are responsible for your own happiness and even though getting there can be quite painful, you will come out a better person for having gone on the journey.

 

Laugh a little, cry a lot, but make the journey.