Why shouldn't I?

[melissag]

It's hard. It's so hard to realize that they are NOT the same person that you married. It's the MLC Alien standing there, not your H. How to get to point B? First, you have to accept it for what it is - a selfish, disgusting act on your H's part. Again, you may have had bad times, been a less then stellar wife BUT did you trash your family over it? NO.

 

I told my H that I didn't like nor want the man he had become so he was more than welcome to hit the door. I hated it, I was sick with heartbreak and I was devastated BUT it was true. I didn't want the man he had become....a sneaky snake, a liar, a cheater...a man that could just throw me away like I was nothing to him, a man that had convinced himself that our 17 year marriage wasn't worth it...... NO, I deserved better than that!

 

Thank you, BK. This is what I needed to hear. I was having trouble trying to focus on the bad parts just to be mad at him . . . that doesn't really work, because I had accepted him for the bad parts and wanted to stay in the marriage. But what I haven't focused on is the ultimate bad part - that he is willing to trash his family. I mean, painful as it is, if I really think about it - he has made the decision that it is worth it to him to trash three people's lives in the name of "it's time for me to be selfish." I have sort of been chalking that up to something that didn't fit his personality, rather than recognizing that this IS his personality. This is his choice and he is making it.

 

I am not talking about saving the marriage at all, just being the nice person that I am. (I think I had started to become the crappy person he made me out to be, so that requires some change on my part.) Since we are trying to agree on matters involving the children, and I am not sure I can remain unemotional, I will have to just say that any emotion has to do with the children and not with him. When he moves out, that will be the worst day of my life, but maybe if I spend a few hours earlier just crying it out, I will be able to put myself together and tell him goodbye with a smile. (That feels like a stab in the heart just thinking about it, but I will try!!) The tricky line is not being a bitch (who he would be glad to get away from) but also letting him know that I have no desire to be with the person he is showing himself to be. I think I just have to wait until the opportunity arises.

 

Thanks again - I need to focus on this!!

[littlejaz]

Good for you. BK is right on.

[Friggia]

Another win for BK in improving my mood. The bad feelings do get better with time and distance, you really just have to sweat it out. I'm a week into no contact and I'm feeling much less awful about it. I'm not in the exact same situation as you, but I am still dealing with a fundamentally changed man and it's hard. I have a number of little coping mechanisms but one thing is if I'm feeling really weak and want to contact him, I immediately go do something else. Then I find that when I stay on course I actually feel better, because those weak feelings are very transient and you will set yourself back in so many ways by giving in. I remind myself that I won't give in until whatever I want is right in front of me.

 

It's best not to worry about the future right now, because it's not helping. Learn to embrace and feel okay that you don't know. Life is full of surprises both very good and very bad, it's a cycle. You are more resilient than you think and you will adapt whatever happens. Your children are also resilient, believe me, my parents went through a very nasty divorce when I was a teenager and I turned out okay. My mother tells me that I'm much smarter about relationships than she was at my age!