Friggia Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 As if the distance weren't enough, he's at rock bottom and feels completely emotionally checked out even though he says he loves me and has pulled strings to give me what I want (after I !%#ing beg him, which I'm no longer doing). I know he feels bad that "he's so emotional and I'm trying so hard." I'm at the throwing up hands/no contact stage, but it's hard sometimes. I've never been good at the no contact thing when there's a threatening problem in sight, and yet I still know there's absolutely nothing I can DO to change his feelings. He has to do that. I'm so angry and wish I could just be over and done with him. But I've been with him eight years and he's the best friend I've ever had. I can't confide in the person I always used to confide in because he's so far gone at this point he's practically the walking dead. I actually brought up the irony of my confiding in the person who is the source of the problem and he said "at least it makes me useful." Uggggggggg. Though when he says sweet and nice things to me it feels like there's a little bit of the old soul still in there crying out from a deep dark hole. This is what Love Shack is for, to me. A place to dump and maybe ask for advice when the time comes. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
emi Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 May i ask Have u met? If yes, how often is that How long is the distance? Hours gap can be a trouble in communication also. U said 8 years. Which means? Link to post Share on other sites
Solcita2 Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 I understand a 100% where you're standing... it happens to my F as well. We are in opposite sides of the world now, we've been apart for 6 months already, in the first 3 months I think he broke up with me 5 times... because "it was just too hard"... sometimes he would pick up a fight with me for the most stupid thing... I was patient... I cried, I beg... I understand. Been there, done that. However, he acknoledges he's going through a mid life crisis and he understand I'm not the problem, but he is. He's very happy and proud of what I'm doing... but the better I get here, the most depressed he would get... What helped us was me making him more and more involved in what I do. If I have to give a speech, I make sure he reads what I write or even, if he wants to write it for me, that'd be great... I then make the corrections... then he feels he's part of my life as before. We used to work together a lot when I was back home, so he felt very left out when I came here... and when he saw I didn't need his help he was devastated. However, I do need his help and I try to make him help me in everything he can... I hoep it helps... Involve him in your life as much as you can, it helps! Link to post Share on other sites
Edwar36 Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 I think I may be in a similar spot as your bf. I left the country for a fairly prestigious grant, but now I'm going through a quarter life crisis, trying to evaluate what I even want out if life. Meanwhile my gf is back home working towards her dream am achieving it. It's tough to not feel jealous and depressed, and I can imagine it would be tough to deal with someone like me. If you could have your boyfriend do one thing to make it easier on you, what would you ask? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Friggia Posted October 13, 2013 Author Share Posted October 13, 2013 May i ask Have u met? If yes, how often is that How long is the distance? Hours gap can be a trouble in communication also. U said 8 years. Which means? Oh yes, we met in college, we lived together for about six years. His mother who has a history of extreme bipolar depression and substance abuse just got out of rehab and is living in our home for an indefinite period of time. I am at my parents' because I find her very unpleasant to be around, and my SO doesn't want me to be there either when she's there because he avoids problem situations. In less than two weeks I am moving to a new contract job in another state, for about six months. The past two years have been marked by both of us moving around for work. We used to be very, very close (....codependent...) but are now having a lot of problems with arguing and obviously this episode of depression. I have no idea how this situation will play out so far. I hate that the love of my life makes me feel so "bluh" and exhausted right now. It makes me feel so confused and disillusioned with life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Friggia Posted October 13, 2013 Author Share Posted October 13, 2013 I think I may be in a similar spot as your bf. I left the country for a fairly prestigious grant, but now I'm going through a quarter life crisis, trying to evaluate what I even want out if life. Meanwhile my gf is back home working towards her dream am achieving it. It's tough to not feel jealous and depressed, and I can imagine it would be tough to deal with someone like me. If you could have your boyfriend do one thing to make it easier on you, what would you ask? Well, I am moving into a fully paid for apartment and I told him he could move with me and take time off because his job contributes to his unhappiness at times. He's just a zombie right now, barely recognizable as my boyfriend. I feel responsible for it because I frequently got upset at him, and I'm sorry for it. I'm just trying to push a reset button by not contacting him anymore. I would love for him to reach out more and be more curious about my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Friggia Posted October 13, 2013 Author Share Posted October 13, 2013 And here is a crucial detail I haven't divulged yet. A few years ago I wanted to see other people and he was crushed by this. We stayed together and continued to love each other while I explored come casual relationships with other guys. Oh my god, terrible mistake because it took a huge toll. I feel like I turned him into a monster where before he was a sweet boy who was very satisfied with me and thought the world of me. He saw a few girls casually as well but it was only ever sex and he never wanted to pursue any deeper relationships with them (I feel like I corrupted him by actually encouraging this sort of immoral behavior). Anyway, the one he was seeing while I was away for the summer was a real piece of work for a large number of reasons. We both saw it, he eventually broke with her after she broke down over the fact that he was in a long-term relationship with me that he made it clear he wasn't going to leave. He felt bad about this (again, I feel guilty because I pressed him to do something he was obviously against). While I was at my parent's house, he went to apologize to her again because he felt really bad for leading her on. She was cold to him, and had acquired a new boyfriend. This seemed to affect the ego of my SO, in that he's now in a "fog" where he conveniently forgets how many twisted things she did and actually misses her. He told me if he'd had these feelings while he had been seeing her, he'd have broken it off with me. THEN, he told me he realizes that would have been a mistake (he told me). But he still "needs time" to get over her! He still says he loves me but that I've become impossible to please. I never once thought about leaving him, but I realize I had a huge hand in creating this mess. Ugh, it's all so convoluted. Feel free to ask for elaboration. THIS is why I need a reset button on my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Friggia Posted October 13, 2013 Author Share Posted October 13, 2013 Am I just making the situation worse by no contact? He said he wants to keep our conversations "light and friendly" for the time being. Two weeks ago I went no contact for seven days after an argument and when I got back in touch he said he'd been horribly depressed waiting for me to text him, because I'd ended the conversation last. The thing is, I hear advice that says I have to focus solely on my own happiness and ignore the depressed person to get them to come out of their depression. I've heard say I have to be an independent example of how to be happy, and he'll just naturally get over his fog and gravitate towards me. Maybe I should just try and forget about him and see what happens. I've tried everything else and already made it crystal clear that I felt unhappy being the driver of the relationship while he sleeps in the back seat. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Friggia Posted October 13, 2013 Author Share Posted October 13, 2013 Edwar36, my deepest wish is he'll surprise me and do anything out of the ordinary. That's why I need to stay no contact I guess, so he'll have the space to do this. I'm scared he'll do the opposite and detach though. Link to post Share on other sites
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