Planning to visit me - Is it normal to be so stressed?

[Solcita2]

So... after a lot of thinking and a lot of financial planning, F and I decided he would travel to meet me next year.

 

We are happy to know we can do it without getting ourselves in debt... we only had to plan some savings...

 

But since I proposed him the idea of his traveling, he's been really stressed... having problems sleeping and all.. Is that normal?? Since we made up with the plan I've been happier than ever, making plans of all the places I want to go with him, exploring restaurants to take him to, etc...

 

TO HAVE A POTENTIAL DATE MAKES ME HAPPY... AND RELAXED. But in the ocntrary, he's stressed.

 

A couple of stressful things we've been talking about / background: we've been together for 5 years. We lived together for almost 4 years before I moved to Japan 6 months ago for a scholarship. We didn't get married yet because of outside reasons. We both wanted and we had to delayed our wedding twice because of big family problems.

Before I came here we thought about getting married so he would get the dependant visa, but we didn't want to "Just get married" as a chore...

 

He will visiting me under a tourist visa (he can stay for 3 months but he can't work while here). In some places they ask you to be married in order to rent you an apartment... however we will say we're engaged and that'd be enough...

I told him when he comes we can get married here becuase it's very easy. Then he goes back home and can apply for the dependant visa, that way next time he visits me he can work... that way he can REALLY try this country and see if he likes it enough to live here for good.

He almost drowned himself when I said this, he said it was "out of the blue"... which for me made no sense, since we've been hoping to get married for the last 2 years.

In the other hand, another chance is for us to get married now (he was a power in my name) before coming, he can get the visa now and work in this trip. It makes me sad to get married that way though...

 

He is stressed out because we have two cats at home... and even when a friend of us said he would take care of them, neither of us trust him...

I'm asking my cousins if any of them wants to stay at our apartment and take care of the cats... I think worst case scenario we would have to let them in a cat hotel... I don't like it, but they will be taken care of (I don't trust our friend because he wouldn¿'t be moving to my house, he would go to check on the cats, and I don't like the idea of them being alone almost 23/7... they're not used to that... and at the same time I can picture our friend forgetting about the cats for a week... we'd die if something happens to our cats).

 

Another thing he says it's stressful is that this trip might decide "our destiny"... it's like he puts so much into this one trip... to me it makes sense to tell him to come and to see Japan with his own eyes...

He says this but at the same time he thinks the trip could be a waiste of money "we could spend when he moves here"... which makes no sense to me... to me, this is an investment, it's not a vacation...

 

What do you think? Is there anything I can do to help him relax?

[Els]

Interesting, I had no idea Japan was conservative enough that they require marriage to rent you apartments. I lived in a SE Asian religious country before, and even there non-government rental agencies did not care.

 

At any rate... this doesn't seem like 'just' a visit, yes? You are planning to have him come, marry, and then possibly stay for good in Japan? It does feel like both of you are putting a lot of expectation on the trip, and that could partly be why he's stressed. Then again, there could be an infinity of other factors, we wouldn't know...

 

As for the money issue... Is he paying fully for the ticket?

[devilish innocent]

I can certainly see why he would be feeling so stressed. Vacations in general are stressful for some people. Simply because you are spending money, make preparations, leaving pets behind, flying on a plane, etc. Then he has also has to ready himself for a couple of major life changes- getting married and possibly moving to a new country. That can be overwhelming for anyone who isn't comfortable with big changes.

 

I would just try to reassure him that everything will be okay. Try to help him keep things in perspective. Nobody is in any danger of dying or being out in the street. Any of the worst case scenarios that could happen can all be rectified. Even if it costs you more time apart or extra money because he waited too long, it's not the end of the world. Even if he moves all the way to Japan and then decides he doesn't like the country, you can still move back later. There's really nothing to be panicking about.

 

You can also try to help him put together a time line of the things that need to be done before the trip. Once he has a plan to follow, he can focus on one thing at a time. That can be less scary than thinking all at once about everything that needs to be done.

[Solcita2]

Thank you guys for your replies.

 

He is a person who is afraid of changes in general... let's keep in mind that he has only moved 3 times in his entire life... and the last two (since leaving his parents house) were around the same city and leaving a lot of his stuff at his parents' house.

In the other hand I'm an Army child so I would move around very often (even abroad) so packing and moving is not a big deal to me... I have no problems giving away half of my stuff and moving across the country...

 

He just told me he hates traveling and he gets even stressed when going out for vacations around our own country, so for him it is a big deal.

 

About the time line, that's how I work most of my things, but it doesn't help him... he hates my to-do lists...

 

He's been doing better though... because the first couple of things he had to take care of were succesful so far...

 

We'll see how things go on... Thanx again!

[Els]

All the best to you two, OP!