How do you get past the "fear" and take the first step?

[startingover1028]

I'm certain that my marriage will end in divorce. When?... I don't know. The reason for that is fear.... Fear on my part. I'm just afraid of so many things. It's the fear of the unknown... I wonder if I will be able to do this on my own...

 

How have you done it? How did you summon the courage to take that first step out of the marriage? What's it been like for you?... for your kids? Has it been easier or more difficult than you thought it would be? In what ways? Do you regret the decision? or Are you happy? What advice would you give?

[Patiently waiting]

see my post on your other thread....I have answered all your questions there....

[Patiently waiting]

Ok, here it is....just realized it wasn't your thread before.....

 

 

I have been through it !!!!! If you are really ready to go, somehow all that stuff becomes secondary. I told my stbex that I would rather live in a cardboard box without him, than in our brand new house with him. I have since lost the house, eh....it was only a house....I have a cute 2 bedroom apt. now with my 2 babies. Pensions-mine is the only one there was, he gets 1/2 of the amount accumulated during marriage. Oh, well.....he owes me some money too which will counteract it perhaps. Again, only money....child rearing....courts decide, grass-gardner, dogs-whoever gets em, pay the bills-you both learn to pay your own bills, not that hard....., call your friends when the doctor wants to run tests, or your mom, or another close friend or relative, or just bite the bullet and do it on your own, I have and surprisingly I have found I am quite fine without a shoulder to lean on. I put up my own x-mas tree this year and hung my own lights, I did a damn fine job I might add!!!! Killing spiders, well.....I have always done that anyway......

 

The lonliness is the hardest part I admit. I spend many nights unable to sleep without "someone" there next to me. (because I was used to it) My computer and my children take up some of that time, but ultimately that is the part that takes some getting used to. I am told it does take time, but it does get better. I know plenty of women who CHOOSE not to be married or in relationships and they are perfectly happy, they just have other hobbies and are not dependent on others for their happiness.........

[lostgirl26]

Starting over,

 

I am in your somewhat same position, I am fearful of even having tha talk with my husband because I know that it will not go well at all. He will accuse me of cheating or listening to my mother too much. I have not fallen out of love with him but I believe that we have just grown apart and no amount counceling that has been done is going to change that fact. I am not happy and I feel that he is not either but he is not telling me about it. It's just one of those things that is going to be huge nightmare in my case. Either way I will be blamed. It terrifies me to have to even think of having the talk, it also makes you feel like you failed.

[Lil Honey]

I stayed married "for the kids." When the kids grew up (the youngest being 17 1/2 when I left), I was stilled terrified. All of those years, I wasn't happy and knew it. I would toy with the idea of leaving, always telling myself that I would "when the kids grew up." Somehow, that was my way of putting it off. Then, one day, I looked up and the kids were grown. I was still unhappy and nothing had changed.

 

I kept thinking of leaving. So how did I actually DO it? SMALL steps. Some people just leave. I couldn't. I was frozen. So small steps were all I could handle.

 

One small step was to think of the one thing that I really wanted of my own. I envisioned having it once I left. It doesn't have to be something big. (For example, my dad never "let" my mom hang things on the walls because "the nail would leave a hole." So, when he passed away, my mom started hanging things on the walls . . . ) For me, it was a linen that I wouldn't dream of getting with my husband around. (Okay, laugh if you want.)

 

Another thing that I did was I started looking at real estate in the newspapers. Even if I couldn't afford it, I was looking and putting myself in that "Lil House." It kinda helped me put myself living in another place. After months of just looking in papers and online, I actually found a real estate agent and went to see a couple houses. OMG, that in itself gave me a sense of independence!

 

After a couple months of thinking of buying something "just for me" and driving by cute houses, I started thinking ALL the time of how I had to tell HIM. It was on my mind and it was starting to consume me. The thought of sitting him down and telling him was stressing me out. I was "afraid" of his reaction, of hurting him, of hurting the rest of his family and mine, of "what people would think", of people "hating" me. Everything I could be afraid of, I was.

 

One day, I made an appointment with a lawyer. He asked me if this is really what I wanted, because I couldn't "undo" it once I got the ball rolling. He also pointed out to me that the majority of folks who change their mind, some are back in two years for the divorce and others are back in 15 years and in those "waiting years" they weren't happy, just wasting time. So, I told him that I was ready.

 

About a week later (this past June), Hubby and I were driving along. I saw an empty parking lot ahead, pulled in and told him, there in the car. What led up to that? I finally told myself that I just HAD to tell him, that NOT telling him was eating me up inside. I said it with as little emotion as I could. When it was over, I had this HUGE sense of the world lifting off my shoulders.

 

Another difficult part was telling my family. I was expecting disappointment (for some reason) from very loving people and I got a huge amount of support. The support wasn't because they don't like my husband (because they DO like him) but they also recognize that I'm the one who has lived with him and knows him and the situation best.

[lostgirl26]

Lil Honey,

 

You took the words and feelings right out of my mouth. Was he hurt did he yell and scream? I too think of the little things I could have like maybe going back to school or not having an arguement over some stupid thing on tv, watching what I want on tv with out having to hear comments from the peanut gallery. Not having someone crab at me in the morning before I have had enough coffee to comprehend what has been said. His family will hate me at first and side with him but they are no better, their whole family dynamic is completely different than mine. The feeling that I am not happy is all consuming me too, sometimes I just think I am going to explode. Sometimes I think he will take it better than I think but then again I think he will immediately cheat on me because he knows that would probably hurt me more than anything just to get back at me. I am 26 no children except our animals and he is 31 I don't want to waste anymore of either of ours lives.

[startingover1028]

LIL HONEY,

 

I've been doing some of the same things... envisioning what life will be life-AFTER.... Thinking of how much better it will be. I've also been looking at homes, just as a drive-by, but I look and imagine myself living there. I have the numbers of a few lawyers but am not quite ready to make that call. I keep telling myself - after the holidays -.

 

I want us BOTH to work toward this, in a way that will be the least traumatic and most successful for our daughter. I hope we will be able to put our differences aside and make it happen in an amicable way.

 

Are you completely out now? Have you remained friends?

 

 

LOSTGIRL2,

 

What do you think you will do?

[lostgirl26]

Startingover,

 

I tell myself the same thing that after the holidays would be better, no one wants to break anyones's heart right at xmas time. I also have numbers for lawyers, also don't have the courage to call any either. I called one and found out that if everything is pretty amicable that it can be pretty simple, but amicable is the key word. I have no idea what I am going to do, our house is currently on the market right now, we are not buying another one we are supposed to be going into an apartment together. I keep telling myself that I need to talk to him as soon as an offer comes through and we close on the house. I think it would be easier for he and I to go our separate directions and not try to get an apartment together. I even picture myself somewhere down the road living out of state, my family is in all different states anyway. It kills me to think about it.

[Lil Honey]

Originally posted by lostgirl26

Lil Honey,

 

Was he hurt did he yell and scream?

My husband is a pretty laid back sort of guy. He didn't yell or scream. Actually, I had mentioned leaving years before when the kids were little and he asked me to stay, so I did. I didn't have the heart or backbone to leave. So, this time, one of his responses was, "I knew this was coming."

 

I too think of the little things I could have like maybe going back to school or not having an arguement over some stupid thing on tv, watching what I want on tv with out having to hear comments from the peanut gallery.

"Funny" that you should mention that, because going back to school is one of the things that I DID do. I was about 1/2 way through before I told him about getting a divorce. Now, I have one more semester. And "funnier" still is what you said about the TV. OMG! When I wanted to watch something, he would sit and talk all the way through the program, telling me how stupid the show was. If I watched something like 20/20, I could hear the beginning two sentences and from then on, I'd hear HIS rendition or HIS opinion on the matter. The topic could be toenails or brainsurgery, but all I heard was HIS take. LOL

 

His family will hate me at first and side with him but they are no better, their whole family dynamic is completely different than mine.

I LIKE his family, but figured that once they got the news, I'd not hear from them again. The very first thing my sister-in-law said was, "You'll always be part of the family around here!" I was completely shocked - and relieved - that I wasn't "hated."

 

The feeling that I am not happy is all consuming me too, sometimes I just think I am going to explode.

You will get to a point, just as I did, where you are driving along and think, THIS is ridiculous. I would be better off just DOING it and getting it out in the open. (Because if you don't, it will ALWAYS be there. It isn't going to go away.)

 

Sometimes I think he will take it better than I think but then again I think he will immediately cheat on me because he knows that would probably hurt me more than anything just to get back at me.

I'm sure that a divorce hurts BOTH people, so yes, he will hurt. I can't say if he will cheat on you. Does it matter? If you want a divorce, he'll have the right to see other women anyway, just as you will have the right to see other men.

[Lil Honey]

Originally posted by startingover1028

LIL HONEY,

 

I've been doing some of the same things... envisioning what life will be life-AFTER.... Thinking of how much better it will be. I've also been looking at homes, just as a drive-by, but I look and imagine myself living there. I have the numbers of a few lawyers but am not quite ready to make that call. I keep telling myself - after the holidays -.

You will "drag it out" (or make excuses) until you are ready to leave, then all the old excuses will seem "silly" to you. But I understand what you mean about "waiting until after the Holidays." For me, there was Christmas, then New Years, then our daughter's birthday, then our anniversary. It would be two months before his birthday. So, I did it between our anniversary and his birthday.

 

I want us BOTH to work toward this, in a way that will be the least traumatic and most successful for our daughter. I hope we will be able to put our differences aside and make it happen in an amicable way.

 

Are you completely out now?

I am completely out. I stayed for about two months (until I found an apartment). My state has a six-month waiting period, and our courtdate is set for January. That's when it will be completely done.

 

Have you remained friends?

My It's-Over, I-Want-a-Divorce Speech went something like this, "I don't want us to be angry with each other. I want us to be able to be good examples to our kids that we can do this like two adults. I don't want us "using" the kids. I want it to be fair. I'm not interested in "taking you to the cleaners." I want both of our kids to be proud of both of us."

 

Yes, so far we have remained friends. Since, our daughter has moved out of her first apartment and bought her own house. We go over there (at the same time) and help her with projects.

[b52srock]

My divorce is currently underway, and I'll be honest, its not what I want, but what I had to do. We've been separated since March, another woman came into the picture in July, she's since moved out of town, but I'm not sure its over between them.

 

I must agree with the others that the hardest time is at night, when you're all alone and the wind is blowing and there's no one there to hold you tight and keep you safe. I worry about not being able to take care of my kids, I worry about what would happen should I get sick or hurt, I worry that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. Face it, 42 year old women with a teenager and a pre-teen are not exactly on men's "most wanted" lists. Besides, I don't want anyone, have never wanted anyone other than my soon to be ex.

 

I go between being so damned lonely and scared to being so mad at him I could spit! I don't remember the last time I laughed or spent time with friends that I really enjoyed, all because what I'm going through is constantly on my mind. I have to force myself to even go to the store because I'm so tired of everyone asking "how are you?", when what they really want to know is "what went on?", just so they can spread the juciest gossip.

 

But most of all, I'm sad for my children. Their father says he doesn't want to lose them, but I've been keeping track of how much time he's spent with them lately (since the papers were served), and its depressingly little. Three hours in three weeks. Does that sound like a man that doesn't want to lose his children?

 

I worry that he's taking all of these bodybuilding supplements. While not steroids, I do worry that they've had some kind of affect on his mental state. He hasn't acted like himself for months, and while I may be grasping at straws here, I do worry that they're affecting him in ways beyond building his muscles.

 

I may never stop worrying about him. After all, I spent 18 years with this man, did everything for him from paying the bills to cleaning the house, fixing his favorite meals, the whole nine yards, only to have him walk out on me, my children, and turn his back on all his friends.

 

I hope the pain stops some day, but right now, its just day to day and night to night.

[startingover1028]

I feel so sorry for the situation that you're in, b52srock. Those are all the things that I worry about when I think about leaving. I'll be 48 this coming week and by the time my divorce would be final I'd be 49... who wants a 49 year old woman... with a 13 year old child? I worry about growing old alone.

 

I worry about my child the most. What impact it will have on her. I know that my H would continue to take his role as father very seriously, so I don't worry about that, at all. I do worry about how she will view me, (for leaving) how she will view the institution of marriage, and how it will affect her emotional development.

 

I've been told that it's better, in the long run, for the children, to divorce rather than have them grow up in a home where love and affection are strained between the parents. I don't know. I come from a broken home and I know I have my share of emotional baggage. I wanted so desperately to give my child a stable home, at least until she is grown and gone. By then, I'll be 55 years old... not that it's ancient or anything but I won't exactly be "fresh out of the wrapper".

 

I hate the fact that I let myself get involved in an affair that ultimately robbed my marriage of any chance for survival. I made the choice and now I'm paying the price.

[suzyq]

Your sharings are so helpful ... I feel a little more gratitude now. I'm 34 - I've been with my husband since I was 17. I settled down fast because my mum married when she was 18 and I thought that's the way it was supposed to be. I guess there have been lots of warning signs all along ... it was easier for me to enter a state of denial because it was too painful for me to admit to myself that I couldn't fix or magically eliminate my husband's issues.

 

I see younger women doing the same things I did which helps me to see the futility of hanging onto someone in a codependent manner. I hear older women sharing and this helps me immensely since my mum died several years ago and I wish that she was here for me to talk to about this.

 

We're talking about separation lately; it seems like once you finally open the topic that it unfolds ... maybe that's my Higher Power's way of telling me that I'm on the right path. It's easy to make threats in the middle of a fight, but it's extremely difficult to bring it up when things are peaceful, albeit temporary 'peace'.

 

Thank you so much for sharing; I don't feel so alone now, especially when I can listen to other women sharing their experience, strength, and hope.

[Mazellan]

As a guy, I have found this thread very interesting.

 

I am now starting to understand why my partner of 23 years left me 3 weeks ago, leaving me with the kids. It must have been so hard for her. She actually suggested it a few months ago, like just living in separate houses but still being lovers. I thought at the time that I wouldn't cope with her seeing other men and I talked her out of it and promptly forgot about it. What a mistake.

 

Since she left I have been oscillating between grief, anger, hate and understanding, the grief is usually at night like the other posters have said. But with vigorous walking every day and now some meditation and stretching exercises it is starting to give me some clarity. And this forum has been very helpfull. And I also have arranged the house how I like it!. Only trouble is that we can't afford to keep it on my salary alone, so I have to sell it, give her a percentage of the sale and try to work out how I will afford another one.

 

I know our relationship was never perfect, and we were not doing the things that my ex thought she would do with her life, but we had a normal life with a mortgage, 3 kids and all the possessions. What she has always wanted was a sort of hippy, alternative lifestyle, which at first I did too, but through earning money and wanting a stable life for the kids, I let go of that ideal. I think I would now like to return somewhat to that ideal, but it is too late to do it with her. I will get on with my life and find someone who wants what I do from life. (when I work out what that is!)

 

As for the comment "Face it, 42 year old women with a teenager and a pre-teen are not exactly on men's "most wanted" lists. " what a load of rubbish, ther must be lots of men like me who want someone who has experienced life, knows what they want, and isn't just an attractive bimbo. (And I really like kids, I do mentoring with teenagers.)

[startingover1028]

As for the comment "Face it, 42 year old women with a teenager and a pre-teen are not exactly on men's "most wanted" lists. " what a load of rubbish, ther must be lots of men like me who want someone who has experienced life, knows what they want, and isn't just an attractive bimbo

 

Too bad you're halfway around the world!

 

Seriously, I hope things work out for the best for you. I'm sure it was tough on her, also. You can't be married to someone and share everything for that length of time and not be completely thrown for a loop when it ends.

[Mazellan]

startingover1028:

... who wants a 49 year old woman... with a 13 year old child? I worry about growing old alone.

 

From Australian Bureau of Statistics 1997:

Almost 40 per cent of marriages are now likely to end in divorce within 30 years, 19 per cent within 10 years, and about 8 per cent within five years.

Most men and women still marry between their 25th and 29th birthdays

 

So there must be 40% of 40 to 55 year old newly single, 19% 35 to 40 yo, and 8% 30 to 35.

 

Thats a lot of potential partners, you would expect most to have kids. You just need to find them. I have been using RSVP online dating in Aus, there are lots of others (findingsomeone etc). At first I was a little embarrased, online dating has a reputation of being sleazy. But its not, it's just an easy way to find people with similar interests, without the trouble and risks (and cost) of going out to bars and clubs. Particularly when you have kids to look after.

 

At first I sent kisses (winks, smiles etc) to anyone in my area who seemed to have similar interests. I get the impression that most of the woman (can't comment on the men) are so specific in what they are looking for in a partner that if I am not their dream partner they don't even respond. I must say that I am initially only looking for friendship, I'm not rushing into another full on relationship. And as we know, our true friends usually have totally different interests to us, thats why we find them interesting and fun to be with.

 

So after a few weeks, I was about ready to give up when all of a sudden I started getting kisses from women who have jobs, kids, their own homes, they know what they want, but they want more in their life. Now I'm not the most handsome guy in town, in fact I have let myself go whilst in the relationship. But now I have more time for me, I am getting into shape, also I am buying a whole new set of clothes, really smartening myself up.

 

I think this is what you need to do when a relationship ends, you have to look at all the things you did wrong, or could have done better,and ensure that next time you do things right. Thats not to say that you take full responsibility for the failure of the relationship, but just look at your role in the breakup.

 

The best way to cope with change is to initiate it yourself rather than letting it be thrust upon you. In my case she left, but by rearranging the house, changeing my routines, and appearance, being more outgoing (I was a real stay-at-home) I feel more in control.

 

And who knows, maybe I'll find Ms. Right (for life, this time)

[lostgirl26]

Hi all,

 

Sorry I took so long to post I don't dare go to this site while at home on the weekends. My husband seems to follow where I go on the pc, even though I have never given a reason for him to think that I was doing anything wrong. It is interesting to see the man's point of view, unfortunetly I don't think my husband would see it like that or come to the realization of whats happened between us.

 

Startingover,

 

I guess you are right that one day I will be driving along and realize what am I doing, how much more of my life am I going to sacrifice to try and keep it simple. I think he probably thinks the same things but like me does not have the courage to say whats on his mind. The whole tv thing is exactly what my husband does too, of all the things to be irritated about that irritates the crap out me. We usually only watch a few shows together and the rest we end up one of us upstairs and the other downstaris or he goes to play his PS2 for hours on end.

 

It feels good though to talk to others about ti and know that I am not the only one that feels this way. I know that if and when we split that it would eb his right to see other women but its the hurt behind it that I am not sure that i could bear. I have no feelings for other men and probably will never get married again afterwords, I guess I shouldn't say never but I will think long and hard before jumping into a marriage situation again.

[Elmo]

Originally posted by lostgirl26

Hi all,

 

Sorry I took so long to post I don't dare go to this site while at home on the weekends. My husband seems to follow where I go on the pc, even though I have never given a reason for him to think that I was doing anything wrong. It is interesting to see the man's point of view, unfortunetly I don't think my husband would see it like that or come to the realization of whats happened between us.

 

Startingover,

 

I guess you are right that one day I will be driving along and realize what am I doing, how much more of my life am I going to sacrifice to try and keep it simple. I think he probably thinks the same things but like me does not have the courage to say whats on his mind. The whole tv thing is exactly what my husband does too, of all the things to be irritated about that irritates the crap out me. We usually only watch a few shows together and the rest we end up one of us upstairs and the other downstaris or he goes to play his PS2 for hours on end.

 

It feels good though to talk to others about ti and know that I am not the only one that feels this way. I know that if and when we split that it would eb his right to see other women but its the hurt behind it that I am not sure that i could bear. I have no feelings for other men and probably will never get married again afterwords, I guess I shouldn't say never but I will think long and hard before jumping into a marriage situation again.

 

Hey, Lostgirl...

 

This is a post for you and the original poster.

 

If you are in a constricted relationship....time to think about jumping ship.

 

I know...easier said than done. I finally did it. It was soooooooooo effin' hard as he was a control freak. I was scared. It was VERY, VERY DIFFICULT.

 

However, once I broke the bond and got my own place....Whew! Still hard but much better.

 

It got better by the day. By the week. The month.

 

Now, 7 years later....I am married to a different man. So very different. He is wonderful. Not perfect, but wonderful.

 

If you know you are married to a guy who is going to make your life a misery...PLEASE TAKE THE STEP TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND LEAVE.

 

I know it is hard. But, boy is it worth it.

[Three of Swords]

A book I would highly recommend to anyone who is comtemplating the decision should I stay? or should I go? is

 

The Comfort Trap (or what if you are riding a dead horse) by Judith Sills. If you can't buy it, borrow it from the library.

 

I was married for 27 years and had been unhappy for at least the last 10 years. I used tell myself that I would wait until the kids moved out of the house and then see if there was anything left worth staying in the marriage for.

 

This spring, I was in Chapters looking for a book on how to be happy. I can't even remember the title now - but ironically the book was recommended by my former brother-in-law. I was in the self help section and picked up The Comfort Trap. I started browsing, then sat down to read whole sections. Even though I could barely afford it, I decided then and there that I could not leave the store without it.

 

My son moved out to his own apartment in May and I had decided by then that I could not wait another three years for my daughter who still lives with me to finish college. The book was very helpful in sorting out this decision. My marriage was the 'dead horse'.

 

My husband realized that we were having difficulties (maybe my increasing coldness had something to do with it??)and he asked me that I not move out without giving him a warning, so I gave him a month's notice. Living there for that month was fairly rough, but after 27 years I felt I 'owed' him that. As a result, we are still relatively amicable.

 

I wish I could say that the separation has made me happy as this was my decision/choice. However, I have been an emotional mess and am still working my way through many many different things.

 

As hubby was was out of town all the time, I am somewhat used to being on my own. I have always done my own repairs, taken out my own garbage, hung up my own pictures, etc. But I concur most heartily - the nights are the worst. Even though he wasn't always around during our marriage, I still miss the warm body, the hugs, the sex. Even though in moments of weakness I think it would be easier to go back to the marriage, I realize I will still be lonely in the marriage and am quite sure that I would just end up leaving again. And how fair would that be to either one of us!!

 

Furthermore, I am nearly 47 years old and now re-entering the dating scene after 27 years. A LOT HAS CHANGED!! And I find that scary as well.

 

So you see, even if you make a decision to leave there is still all those aftermath feelings to deal with.

 

I know it's "just a movie" with fictional characters, but sometimes I reflect back to the movie Castaway with Tom Hanks cause often movies mirror life. And that helps me cope.

 

When that 'sail' was washed in by the tides, Tom's character could have told himself he would never make it on his own out there and at least he had the island which was home and food. It was familiar and the risks to leave were great. Or he could take a huge chance and go out in that wild unknown ocean. The end result was totally unpredictable. OK not really - we all knew he would survive in a typical Hollywood movie ending but...he decided to take a chance with fate and took the risks anyway. Even though he didn't really get what he wanted (the girl) he got a chance for a new beginning.

 

I keep telling myself I could have stayed in the marriage, it was familiar and rather predictable. I felt I took a huge chance and although I haven't gotten my happy ending, maybe I have a chance for a new beginning.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Yikes]

I have been on my own for 1 1/2 years after ending my 17 year marriage and am just now getting to the point where I am beginning to get comfortable with the thought of "putting myself out there" again. My wife was cheater, a liar and absolutely brutal with finances. It can certainly be extremely difficult letting someone close again. I have no magic answers for you because everyone is different, but this is my take on things.

 

Firstly once you break free, take some time to re-discover who you are. By that I mean don't rush into another relationship, don't date... nothing. Spend quality time with your kids, family and with some good friends, get some therapy if you feel you could benefit from it. The key thing is getting comfortable with YOURSELF again. Focus on your kids (if you have them), work at creating a happy and stable home, work at getting your finances in order, go to the gym, eat healthy.

 

You will likely find that it is not all that bad to take a break and be on your own. Life is simpler, you regain control, there is no one to lie to you, cheat on you or let you down. Work at being strong and independent.

 

If you get your life together, it will do two things. It will help you re-gain your self esteme and confidence and at the same time will help you attract someone who also has their act together. If you want to attract an honest, responsible person, you need to have something to offer. It is very refreshing when I meet a woman who is in control, does a great job with her kids, works hard at her job and has a positive outlook on life. Women who are independent and capable are VERY attractive. When I meet a woman who is an emotional mess, who is more interested in finding a daddy for her kids than finding a true PARTNER, who is needy and just generally not in control, I cannot get away fast enough.

 

Look after YOU first and the pieces will begin to fall into place.

 

When you do meet someone special be careful not to punish them for the sins of your ex. Be prepared to give them your complete trust until they prove that they cannot be trusted.

 

Good luck.