Compliments are bad?

[jimloveslips]

Really not sure what category this fits into.

 

I was out walking the dog and a women jogger I've seen many times is running towards me, I say "Good morning, looking good" carrying on walking and she trots back to me and says "Seriously?", and I say "yeah of course you look great" she says "no, I mean that's what you're going to say when a woman runs by" so I say "I'm sorry if you find compliments offensive" and walked off.

 

It was a genuine comment, no lurid or sexual innuendo involved (or even thought!)

 

Wtf??

[thefooloftheyear]

Really not sure what category this fits into.

 

I was out walking the dog and a women jogger I've seen many times is running towards me, I say "Good morning, looking good" carrying on walking and she trots back to me and says "Seriously?", and I say "yeah of course you look great" she says "no, I mean that's what you're going to say when a woman runs by" so I say "I'm sorry if you find compliments offensive" and walked off.

 

It was a genuine comment, no lurid or sexual innuendo involved (or even thought!)

 

Wtf??

 

I know you didnt mean anything by it, but..

 

Its creepy, dude...

 

Dont do that shyt...

 

TFY

[jimloveslips]

ts creepy, dude...

 

Really? Why?

 

Are we so suspicious of one another these days that a compliment is seen as character assassination?

 

I happened to be in a really good mood - the book I was waiting for ages was at the library, and funnily enough someone had just complimented me on how well behaved my dog was!! (she sits outside sans leash) - I guess I should have punched them in the face!

[thefooloftheyear]

Really? Why?

 

Are we so suspicious of one another these days that a compliment is seen as character assassination?

 

I happened to be in a really good mood - the book I was waiting for ages was at the library, and funnily enough someone had just complimented me on how well behaved my dog was!! (she sits outside sans leash) - I guess I should have punched them in the face!

 

I know you didnt mean anything by it...

 

But I wouldnt DARE say anything like that to a woman on the street. I see women all the time when I am running, and some of them I even recognize as neighbors..But a wave or nod is about all I do..I just think it makes them feel uncomfortable if you comment on their looks when you dont know them....I would be uncomfortable saying it as well...

 

Dont know what else to say? Hopefully a woman will respond and give more clarification...

 

TFY

[Maleficent]

If a man I don't know told me 'Hello, looking good', I'd be seriously creeped out. Even if he looked like Jensen Ackles.

 

But it's the 'looking good' part that is creepy. Only saying good morning is fine,

[xxoo]

She's running. In this moment, she isn't thinking about how she looks. Calling attention to her looks when she is running is unwelcome.

 

People compliment my dog all the time. It's not the same thing as commenting on my appearance when I'm running.

[Art_Critic]

You should have asked her age or weight, even better.. nice tits

 

The last thing she would consider a compliment is a cat call, the only thing missing was the whistle.

You saw her reaction to you.. she wasn't kidding.. seriously ?

 

While you may have thought she was hot, a woman jogging isn't looking for a compliment that raises her radar... maybe next time a gentle good morning would go over better..

[Shepp]

This thread made me grin only cause it reminds me of my girlfriend, cause she'd of turned around too, I know she would, and she'd of given you a right mouthful of 'just because I'm a girl what gives you the right to think I'm out here running for your entertainment, would you say the same thing to a guy, no. You undermine whatever action a girl is doing by bringing it back to her looks, blah blah blah' I can just see her saying it, I've seen her say similar to people so many times.

 

In my opinion I think it's a massive over reaction but the thing is there are girls out there who feel strongly about stuff like that.

 

I guess the thing is a wolf whistle is a compliment but show me the girl who would actually like that, I think compliments are nice but your best to stay away from looks less you know the person.

You were pleased when someone compliments your dog becuase you've put time into it to get it to be so well behaved, compliments on something people have clearly put time into tend to be more well received than compliments of things they were born with.

I think you'd of been safer, and stood out in her mind more, with something like 'great pace' or 'great stride'.

I was jogging once and this little old guy walked past and said 'you have a powerful stride sir' that's a compliment that's always stayed with me!

[Tayla]

Sorry reckon I am old school and take a compliment at face value. Given the tone and the atmosphere plays a major factor. I see nothing wrong with garnering an honest opinion and conveying it. He didnt get specific he gave a general compliment. Kudos to you fell'r for being that way....Too many folks are looking for an ulterior reasoning...guarded even when a compliment comes about....Etiquette garners that we smile and accept it at face value. The female jogger was not looking good in the eyes of civilness.

[thefooloftheyear]

One thing I will say about this topic, is that there is a serious double standard between men and women when it comes to this type of stuff....

 

When its really warm and humid, I run without a shirt..I live in a very quiet neighborhood, so its not like I am going in front of a big audience or anything...Over the years, id say its happened a half a dozen times where a car will drive by and you'll get the "woo-hoo" or something like that. Another time I remember, I was stopped at a corner, dripping with sweat, and a professional looking woman in her mid 50's id say, rolled down the window, looked over at me and said something like "verrry nice" and gave me a thumbs up, then just drove away... No one I passed that was on foot ever said anything.

 

Did I get upset? No..Its embarraassing and a little funny, but I didnt get upset or freaked out. Its still a bad idea to say anything like that to a woman who you dont know- and Id never do it.

 

TFY

[Phoe]

While you didn't mean it with a sexual tone, she probably took it that way.

 

Compliments about someone's physical appearance should probably be left only to people you actually know. Total strangers, being friendly and nice and giving compliments in OTHER ways, totally fine.

 

 

Like the other day I was wearing a Slayer shirt, walked in a store, dude said "hey! cool shirt!" and high fived me. Totally fine. Had I walked in and he instead said "hey! you look good!" I'd probably be very confused.

[gaius]

It definitely works better if you get to know them a bit before you start with the good looking comments. But I hear you. Sometimes you just want to tell a beautiful woman she's beautiful. Not behave yourself for the first couple bits of interaction until she gets comfortable with you.

 

[compulsivedancer]

Depends on context. Because you could've been commenting on her running form. But probably not if it was the first time you saw her. If you said it in a "buddy" tone, especially if you've known her a while, it would be totally different than if you said it after looking her up and down.

[theothersully]

Ah, it's a question of semantics and tone.

 

There are a few ways to say "looking good."

 

You can say it like a coach.... "Looking Good!" with like a thumbs up, or you can say it like a perv.... "Looking Guuuuuuuud...." How did it come out?

 

Generally, that's a little bit too much though for a passing stranger.

[bubbaganoosh]

Really not sure what category this fits into.

 

I was out walking the dog and a women jogger I've seen many times is running towards me, I say "Good morning, looking good" carrying on walking and she trots back to me and says "Seriously?", and I say "yeah of course you look great" she says "no, I mean that's what you're going to say when a woman runs by" so I say "I'm sorry if you find compliments offensive" and walked off.

 

It was a genuine comment, no lurid or sexual innuendo involved (or even thought!)

 

Wtf??

 

When she got through climbing off her high horse, I would have looked her in the eye and told her that after seeing her up close, I was mistaken your not looking good and as a matter in fact your down right repulsive so climb back up and move on and walked away.

[lollipopspot]

When she got through climbing off her high horse, I would have looked her in the eye and told her that after seeing her up close, I was mistaken your not looking good and as a matter in fact your down right repulsive so climb back up and move on and walked away.

 

Yeah, you completely don't get how many women get sexually harassed on the street. It doesn't really even matter what you're wearing or what you look like. I've gone out in sweats when I was 20 pounds heavier and gotten whistled at. I've gotten out of my car at night and had guys drive by and yell at me - and it's scary. I've been followed by guys yelling things at me. Constantly having it brought to your attention by unknown men on the street that you're a female - and you've known since you were young that that means you are a target for rape and so have to be self-protective - is really disturbing. Why don't you try to see things from beyond your own perspective. I get that for men being yelled at or having your body complimented on by unknown females might feel like a compliment because there's never been a threat attached to it.

 

And, if she doesn't want to have attention brought to her, she doesn't have the option or running alone at night or in some secluded place, unless she's willing to take a pretty big risk. Many women just get tired of both having their freedom limited because of being female, and also getting reminded of it constantly when they are out in public.

Edited October 13, 2013 by lollipopspot

[bubbaganoosh]

Yeah, you completely don't get how many women get sexually harassed on the street. It doesn't really even matter what you're wearing or what you look like. I've gone out in sweats when I was 20 pounds heavier and gotten whistled at. I've gotten out of my car at night and had guys drive by and yell at me - and it's scary. I've been followed by guys yelling things at me. Constantly having it brought to your attention by unknown men on the street that you're a female - and you've known since you were young that that means you are a target for rape and so have to be self-protective - is really disturbing. Why don't you try to see things from beyond your own perspective. I get that for men being yelled at or having your body complimented on by unknown females might feel like a compliment because there's never been a threat attached to it.

 

Look. it's not like he turned around, started following her and said "Hey lady! Nice Ass!"

 

I can't tell you how many times that when I stop to buy a coffee and the lady working the store says "here you go honey" or sweetie and things like that. In other words, women can say it but a guy can't?

 

I understand that yes a woman has to be careful in situations but this was not a ignorant or improper thing he said. To me she had to make it an issue and with something like this, I call it bull $h!t. Sorry.

[lollipopspot]

I can't tell you how many times that when I stop to buy a coffee and the lady working the store says "here you go honey" or sweetie and things like that. In other words, women can say it but a guy can't?

 

I understand that yes a woman has to be careful in situations but this was not a ignorant or improper thing he said. To me she had to make it an issue and with something like this, I call it bull $h!t. Sorry.

 

Clerk saying honey or whatever is a little different than a stranger commenting on your body as you pass on the street, because you are having some interaction with them by choice.

 

I get that you'd rather "call bullsh*t" than listen to a female perspective on it, and that's your prerogative, but I think you're insensitive to the problem of street harassment that many women face, and I hope you don't do it. No one here is calling him a jerk. He didn't know. But now you do.

 

There are actually women who feel better wearing a hijab - as oppressive as that garment may be - because they don't like the street attention.

Edited October 13, 2013 by lollipopspot

[mario_C]

Good thing I always avoid any eye contact or friendly banter with women I meet on the street. This thread reminded me why.

And I thought it was avoidant disorder with a dash of depression!

 

I get that you'd rather "call bullsh*t" than listen to a female perspective on it, and that's your prerogative, but I think you're insensitive to the problem of street harassment that many women face, and I hope you don't do it. No one here is calling him a jerk. He didn't know. But now you do.

You and a few others in here are saying he is sexually harassing her by saying hi and paying a compliment. In other words, calling him a jerk.

There are actually women who feel better wearing a hijab - as oppressive as that garment may be - because they don't like the street attention.

Oh, great! Let's oppress women and cloak them in shame because men can't deal with an attractive female person! Which is a distinct difference from -

 

Oh, forget it.

Edited October 13, 2013 by mario_C
no, really, what's the point?

[lollipopspot]

You and a few others in here are saying he is sexually harassing her by saying hi and paying a compliment. In other words, calling him a jerk.

 

Nope. Just because that may be the perception does not mean that I or anyone else here thinks he is a harasser or a jerk. He didn't know. If you don't know, then you deserve to have it explained to you. However, if you do know the effect, and you keep doing it, then you're a jerk.

 

Oh, great! Let's oppress women and cloak them in shame because men can't deal with an attractive female person! Which is a distinct difference from -

 

Oh, forget it.

 

Don't know what you're trying to say. The hijab comes from an oppressive institution. And yet some women feel more comfortable with it because it helps them avoid street harassment. The oppression is truly unfortunate, and so is the street harassment.

[thefooloftheyear]

Nope. Just because that may be the perception does not mean that I or anyone else here thinks he is a harasser or a jerk. He didn't know. If you don't know, then you deserve to have it explained to you. However, if you do know the effect, and you keep doing it, then you're a jerk.

 

 

 

Don't know what you're trying to say. The hijab comes from an oppressive institution. And yet some women feel more comfortable with it because it helps them avoid street harassment. The oppression is truly unfortunate, and so is the street harassment.

 

 

I agree with your comments....and I dont want to turn this into an "us vs them" tread, but it is kinda funny that when a woman does this to a guy its "cute and flirty" but if a guy dares do this to a woman, then its "creepy and pervy"...

 

Still...OP, while I know there was no bad intention, should just keep it under hat.

 

TFY

[jimloveslips]

I really appreciate all the comments here and I totally appreciate that we are not living in a perfect world where women can go wherever they like at any time of the day or night, dressed however they choose, but i have to take issue with some of you who seem to think an off the cuff comment actually contributes to that atmosphere of sexism/violence towards women.

 

 

commenting on your body as you pass on the street

 

How she chooses to interpret my comment is her issue, no need to throw her life experiences in my face and blame me for them. All I said was "Looking good" - there are several interpretations of that, she choose the feminist perspective one (in extremist: all men are rapists and hate women).

 

There are actually women who feel better wearing a hijab... because they don't like the street attention.

 

No they wear them because otherwise their husbands or community have the "right" to stone them to death. Not at all a question of choice.

 

We all have to live in the world together - every time you take a positive comment and spin it with a negative connotation you are making living together more difficult. Why is it my job to find all the possible negative perceptions of a positive reinforcement, and then choose whether to us it or not?

 

As I said at the outset, I've seen this woman many times, and she has seen me, a guy walking his dog, a local guy... she's probably seen me walking many times with my dog and another women (my wife) - the threat level from me is zero.

 

She preferred to take it as offensive, even though is was evidently inspirational based on our past history.

 

I think this says more about this womans response to men in general than it does about my regard for women in general.

 

I guess I'm lucky enough have to have lived a life without having experienced inter-gender conflict so my perception is warped by love and appreciation, not hate and suspicion.

[bubbaganoosh]

My bone of contention is that if the lady thought it was not a nice thing to say, well then she could have chalked it up to the guy being an ass but when she has to make an about face and go after the guy and confront him on it? That is where the danger comes in. She has no clue how this guy might react. He might look at his shoes and tell her how sorry he is and really feel bad about his choice of words and really mean it or he could be a real A hole and haul off and knock her on her ass or worse. That is the real danger here and for her to just having to make a point about it and read the riot act to him is really stupid. Lord only knows what could happen.

 

It's been said that "sometimes there are things better left unsaid." If not, it could cost you a whole lot.

[xxoo]

As I said at the outset, I've seen this woman many times, and she has seen me, a guy walking his dog, a local guy... she's probably seen me walking many times with my dog and another women (my wife) - the threat level from me is zero.

 

That for me makes it ickier. I wouldn't feel threatened (not in my neighborhood), but I don't like to think that my married neighbors are checking me out when I'm running in my neighborhood. A "hi" is fine, and check me out if you need to, but keep it to yourself. Otherwise, I'm going to feel uncomfortable next time I see you.

[jimloveslips]

but I don't like to think that my married neighbors are checking me out when I'm running in my neighborhood

 

Again "looking good" is checking you out?

 

Now I can see how "great body" even though it may well be a compliment can be seen as insensitive and bordering on salacious but I guess I just can't get my head around "looking good" as in any way sexual or demeaning.

 

Well as Mum always said, "if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all" - i guess the corollary is if "you can't say something that can be in anyway interpreted as anything other than nice..."