theothersully Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 Hey Everyone. My first post, but I think I'll be asking a few questions here. There is a girl I like that I’ve been carrying on an online thing with for years. We have had sex years ago. We get along. We are into all the same stuff. We have a bit of an age difference (I’m an older guy). We reconnected in person this spring in Miami and had a whirlwind few weeks together. Like, the stuff dreams are made of. Then, I had to go away to NY for work reasons. We kept in touch on Facebook. Now, I came back to Miami and set up to see her last week. I MESSED UP BAD. On a professional basis, I have a lot of very attractive girls I work with that I must put into the “friend zone.” I was SO used to doing this all year with these girls that I treated my love interest like that too!!! Force of habit. I didn’t get her moving the way I normally do. I held like 2 doors, didn’t do her car door, didn’t talk about anything other than intellectual interests, didn’t touch her here and there like I should have. Thanks to this, we got along like friends instead of having more passion like we did all the other times! Now, she is feeling that I’m not the right person for her, thanks to this miserable mistake I made. Like I’m not igniting something inside her and she doesn't have an attraction to me - despite the face that *she* initiated the whirlwind in the spring. Is there ANY way out of this? I don’t want to sit around like a jack@ss being her “friend” while she’s finding other dudes and gushing over how great they are. ha ha ha Not really my cup of tea. Not healthy to do either. However, I’d like to jump start things back up. I’ve asked her out for Halloween and got a “I might be going out with my friends” type of response. Not a yes. I’d like to turn this around. Any words of wisdom for a guy who dug his own grave? I would just move on, but out of probably a hundred girls I’ve met the past few years, this is the only one I really have feelings for and have genuine compatibility with. And I screwed it up! What do WOMEN think I should do? Is there hope? Link to post Share on other sites
Author theothersully Posted October 12, 2013 Author Share Posted October 12, 2013 (edited) 107 views and nobody can help me? Is there really no hope? Have I destroyed a great thing? Edited October 12, 2013 by theothersully Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 I don't really get your post. You think you friendzoned her cause you didn't hold enough doors open for her? Was this a metaphor or something? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author theothersully Posted October 13, 2013 Author Share Posted October 13, 2013 (edited) I'm sorry if I wasn't clear. Being that we were going out in Miami and South Beach, there are a lot of car doors, doors to hold open, gentlemanly things to do, etc... which gives a sense of something special to the woman you are with. That's just the start. Additionally, there is flirty conversation, little discrete touches here and there... basically a dance between a man and a woman before you get a little heavier. A back and forth situation where you are the man and she is the woman, taking on specific, old fashioned gender roles. That's how I roll and it works - very well. BUT... none of that happened because I was too used to friend zoning other girls all summer. I was nervous and that never happens to me. This girl means a lot to me and I choked. I ended up friend zoning her out of habit instead of catering to her and making her feel special. Instead of being the man that leads her, while keeping her comfortable and a bit dazzled, I was just a friend. So... no spark inside her because I screwed up from force of habit, which I kind of fell into because I was nervous. WOW, do I like her! She's kind of everything I'm looking for in someone. What I'm wondering is... how can I correct this? I would like to get her back out again to show her a great time again and get things moving in the right direction instead of being stuck in neutral because I didn't generate the spark I always do with her. I guess the question is... once you screw up and are in the friend zone (I am there because I was dumb and made mistakes), can you get back out easily? We had all sorts of passion before... until this last visit last week where I blew it. Edited October 13, 2013 by theothersully Link to post Share on other sites
MercuryMorrison1 Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 Dude, just stop with the rigmarole, seriously. I'm going to keep this short and sweet, You like her...You've made that obvious, so there's only one thing to do at this point...TELL HER. Be direct and just let her know straight up how you feel...Either she will reciprocate or she won't end of story. Its nice to do the ''gentlemanly'' thing, such as holding doors, pulling chairs out...etc...etc, but don't do it as a way of manipulation. Just do it because you like being a gentlemen to the ladies, but don't expect some kind of relationship to blossom because you held every door you passed threw for her. I could be wrong, but it seems like this whole situation is being treated like one big mind game. I know some people get off on playing games before/middle and after dating...But me personally I prefer to be direct as I prefer people to be direct with me. Anyway, good luck, it sounds like she means alot to you so I hope things work out for you in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
wavejumper Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 take her away for a romantic weekend and please her for hours Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 Now, she is feeling that I’m not the right person for her, thanks to this miserable mistake I made. Did she actually tell you this? Did she say she only wants to be friends? If she did, it's not just because you were a little distant once. There's probably more to it than that and it's probably not something you can fix. But it kind of seems like you're overreacting to this. Yeah, you messed up, but it should be salvageable if she's into you. Ask her out on another date and do it right this time. I'm not sure why your next proposed meeting was Halloween. That's almost three weeks from now. See if she's free to have a nice dinner with you next weekend. Buy flowers, open doors, etc. If she's still not into you, you can move on. Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 I think it's pretty obvious what you have to do here.....hold more doors open for her cause she has really weak and dilapidated arms. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author theothersully Posted October 13, 2013 Author Share Posted October 13, 2013 (edited) Wow, all good advice. Thanks. CC12: Yeah, I got friend zoned by her. She said it. Unknown to me, she was kind of re evaluating us during this date... our first time seeing each other since spring. I feel that I screwed the date up by not trying to keep it moving and taking it way too casually, resting on the past. I figured I was there already. Then I created a friend zone date with her ,by mistake, through my actions - not keeping it fresh, passionate and interesting enough. I am 5 hours away from her by car and we are both enormously busy at the moment,7 days a week, so Halloween seemed good. wavejumper: That's exactly what I'm trying to do! ha ha ha. Getting resistance though. I have to start over again, from the beginning, apparently. Mercury: She knows exactly where I'm coming from. I have told all. She reciprocated, now is less sure than the last time I saw her in the spring. You know what though? I think there is more to this problem, in retrospect. I think she's looking for something different. Bummer, because I really like her. This is one of those more difficult girls too. The are 3 damn guys chasing her down. Highest compatibility of anyone I've met but the competition is fierce because of her looks. I'll give it a shot, but will back off completely if it doesn't work. Maybe she'll be ready in the future. And folks... holding doors and being a gentleman out on dates is ultra important in the younger generation. There is some backlash against feminist ideas and the concept that men and women are exact equals. It's preferred to celebrate the gender differences and embrace them. Edited October 13, 2013 by theothersully Link to post Share on other sites
Author theothersully Posted October 14, 2013 Author Share Posted October 14, 2013 Damn. Lost her, I think. Can't get out of friends and take her out. Link to post Share on other sites
Criticality Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 Yup, once you're in the friendzone it takes a superhuman effort to get out of there. It's not impossible, but very unlikely! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author theothersully Posted October 14, 2013 Author Share Posted October 14, 2013 Yup, once you're in the friendzone it takes a superhuman effort to get out of there. It's not impossible, but very unlikely! Damn... I think I'll let this simmer on a back burner. I do have a second small business and had offered her a job a couple weeks ago, that she accepted, because she really needed it. Her current job pays nothing. So... if she works at that business, we'll see what happens in the long run because she'll be around. Bummer. Finding anyone I like with this kind of compatibility is a once a year thing, at best. Link to post Share on other sites
HeyKat Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 I would suggest next time you are together ordering a drink or a meal you two may have shared together during the whirlwind period, spark up the olfactory to put her back in that place where you were out of friend zone, something that perhaps you only shared during that time? Other than that I would go with being direct, and now if you two are going to be working together you may be in friend zone - sub compartment boss.. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author theothersully Posted October 14, 2013 Author Share Posted October 14, 2013 I would suggest next time you are together ordering a drink or a meal you two may have shared together during the whirlwind period, spark up the olfactory to put her back in that place where you were out of friend zone, something that perhaps you only shared during that time? Other than that I would go with being direct, and now if you two are going to be working together you may be in friend zone - sub compartment boss.. Good luck Cool idea, Kat. Friendzone sub compartment boss?? I sure know how to screw things up. Regular friend zone isn't enough for me. I need that extra sub compartment... a real challenge! ha ha ha. Link to post Share on other sites
HeyKat Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 Cool idea, Kat. Friendzone sub compartment boss?? I sure know how to screw things up. Regular friend zone isn't enough for me. I need that extra sub compartment... a real challenge! ha ha ha. Ha, join the screw it up club, I'm going to have badges made - Go big or go home, right? I hope it works out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted October 15, 2013 Share Posted October 15, 2013 You havent seen her since spring? Did I read that right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author theothersully Posted October 15, 2013 Author Share Posted October 15, 2013 You havent seen her since spring? Did I read that right? Yeah. I had to leave Miami and go to NYC for work this summer. She had classes in Miami. She couldn't come. I have known her for like 5 years. Had sex with on and off over the years, but she has more recently developed a taste/liking for all the same stuff I like in life. She's the most compatible person I've met in many years. We have been in each others' lives for a long time, but only as sort of a fling. Both had other things going on, had other relationships here and there, lived in different places and moved around, but always kept in touch and always had this thing. Now that I'm ready to really do something with it, she has hesitation. Go figure. ha ha ha I was describing this girl to a friend of mine last week. I said to her, "You know how most girls are like a cat? You have to carefully coax them over and then you are set?" "Well, this girl is like a wild bird in a tree!! Any sudden movement and she flies to the next branch." She is a tricky one. Very spiritual and very in tune with her feelings. I love that about her, but it can make things difficult in terms of trying to get more serious. She is wild. A free spirit. Which is exactly what I love about her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author theothersully Posted October 16, 2013 Author Share Posted October 16, 2013 OMFG!!!! I got out of the friend zone!!!!! Starting all over, going out partying and just having fun. Seeing her Halloween weekend and bringing the A-Game for sure. Will be leaving it up to her to make first moves... Can't believe I was able to dig my way back from such a miserable performance on my end. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendallk Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 Girls rarely get friendzoned. They enter the ****zone where a guy just thinks they are only good for a ****. Link to post Share on other sites
youaremysunshine Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 Sully, I think you need help. You have already been intimate. All you need to do now is be forthcoming about your intentions. If you countinue to run this crazy game she will think you are either: A) a heartless womanizer just looking for another piece Or B) A desperate loser who reads dating manuals and comes on too strong because they are uncomfortable around women Link to post Share on other sites
Author theothersully Posted October 17, 2013 Author Share Posted October 17, 2013 (edited) She got confused. My intentions have always been clear. I really like this girl and have since she started developing interests in things we now share in common. I'm way more domesticated and relationship oriented than she is. She's a very wild, very (very) attractive girl. Completely untamed. I'm one of 3 damn guys competing... ha ha ha I was forthcoming about my intentions starting 10 months ago. Haven't changed the message. I'm not sure you understand this girl. She's not a regular one. Very, very tricky. This is her crazy game, not mine. You have it all backwards. But where do you get dating manuals from? That's bizarre... or are you just trolling? PS: If I'm uncomfortable around any sex, it's men. I'm around women 90+% of the time. Sully, I think you need help. You have already been intimate. All you need to do now is be forthcoming about your intentions. If you countinue to run this crazy game she will think you are either: A) a heartless womanizer just looking for another piece Or B) A desperate loser who reads dating manuals and comes on too strong because they are uncomfortable around women Edited October 17, 2013 by theothersully Link to post Share on other sites
youaremysunshine Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 I'm not saying you ARE a or b, just those are the impressions I, and other women I know, get from men who are worried about the "friendzone" ect Link to post Share on other sites
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