I'm Pretty Screwed Up... WARNING... ;)

[theothersully]

Ok, second post, just in case my first one about saving something doesn't work out. ha ha ha

 

The point of this rather long post is to ask a few questions about projecting an image when dating.

 

Some Facts About Me Relative to Discussion:

 

1) I have zero image. I've never done anything for image, believing that my actions and values mean something and image does not.

 

2) I have a shaved head. I have some moderate hair loss, but started shaving things off 100% 8 years ago. No problems with confidence or my shaved head. I very much like the convenience.

 

3) I am divorced. Picked a partner with borderline personality disorder. My mistake. I'm way, way over it, but figured I'd add it in here in case it was relevant.

 

4) I live a very different life from most people. I have a small RV and a large, 4 bedroom sailboat. I travel in these constantly. Work is renting out the sailboat from time to time to guests, so I don't even work full time, have plenty of money to spare and live a life of pure adventure (and quiet time in nature). My life is set up so well, any woman I am together with wouldn't have to even work aside from helping out with some boat stuff. I find sustainable living, locally sourced natural and organic foods, cooking at home, very long walks, nature, etc... to be critically important to a good life. I care about our planet and care about everything on it.

 

5) I have always dated younger women. I know... red flag... but still, I just get along with younger people better and they gravitate toward me as well. I go to music festivals with my dates, enjoy DJs all my life. I'm happy with this and don't need to change it. When I say younger I mean like 8 years difference on the ex wife and more than that on others I've dated, including a current one I am losing right now, but that's another thread. Ex wife was a 10 year marriage, so no problem keeping a relationship going. Age isn't that important to me, but maturity is. I don't want too much of it! I am very playful, free spirited and free in general. A modern day hippie with no image that would let anyone know it. I blend right in in Manhattan or South Beach and can get into the best clubs on my look alone - however, I prefer nature to the city. Just saying... I am a hippie inside, but not outside.

 

6) I pair bond. I don't go "out with the guys." Or anything. I'm not really into hanging out with guys. I end up loving the person I'm with for who they are and not being interested in other guys or other girls. Kind of goes along with the traveling life too. If you are going to explore different places, there isn't a huge social network around you. It's the person you are traveling with, for the most part.

 

7) Not looking to have kids.

 

NOW.... the problem.

 

Since I'm out there and dating, I'm looking for someone a little more compatible with my weird life. Don't get me wrong... I'd be happy to settle down with someone and do some off grid homesteading, growing crops, etc... but at the moment, I'm still traveling.

 

Looking for this type of girl is proving difficult BECAUSE OF MY SHAVED HEAD I think. I also don't have that hippie style. I actually look like a guy from New York - except fit, trim and in shape - with a shaved head. So... automatically, girls think I'm that type of guy when they meet me and often weed me out as not being hippie enough for them. I end up attracting stripper or nightclub type girls usually thanks to the shaved head and being able to support them if I wanted to.

 

I was with a girl just last week on a date who said, "I like guys who look like Johnny Depp." This couldn't be farther from my image and it was a huge factor in not developing an attraction with her. She likes the hippieish look. Some pictures will help.

 

 

Johnny Depp - http://images4.fanpop.com/image/photos/17700000/Johnny-Depp-Smiles-johnny-depp-17725187-572-700.jpg

 

Another Johnny Depp - http://yptp.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/Johnny-Depp-300x225.jpg

 

Me - or a guy on the internet who looks something like me - http://surviving-hairloss.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/head_shaved.jpg

 

I *used to* look like Jesus, but not anymore. However my question, after all this rambling is...

 

Should I go ahead and get a hippie looking image to attract hippie leaning girls?

 

Now, I'm not looking for big, overweight, major hippies who are hippies because they are lazy. I'm looking for modern women who keep in shape, do yoga, enjoy exercise, eating right and keeping in shape as much as I do, but that have a distinct leaning toward hippie values.

 

It seems people area all about image. I go and evaluate each girl I find attractive on her own merits and do not just a book by its cover. However it seems nearly all women do the opposite and judge a book only by its cover.

 

Should I change my appearance to attract the type of girl I'm looking for?

 

Advice?

Edited October 12, 2013 by theothersully

[Outsider77]

How old are you? I can't imagine a shaved head having anything to do with who you are attracting. It's more likely your attitude and the way you dress.

 

I don't particularly like shaved heads but it wouldn't keep me from dating someone that I had something in common with.

 

Whenever I have dated, I always went for men based on personality. Somebody who seems like they are intelligent and interesting. I don't pay as much attention to looks, I don't know if I like someone unless I talk to them. I don't know about other women, though. I've always been different from other women.

 

If you are way older than the women you are interested in then it may be keeping you from attracting what you want. Some women only like older guys for the money.

 

"Hippie" women may not be motivated enough to date someone so much older than they are because they are not looking for money.

 

And I have to mention, usually when a guy who is considerably older than me hits on me I find it creepy. Not because they are older, but because they usually end up being sleazy and only want one thing.

[theothersully]

Thanks for the response.

 

That's the weird thing. My attitude is "nice guy" (who I guess kinda knows what he's doing) and shaved head. The way I dress is 100% Calvin Klein form fitting clothing. Tighter jeans from Diesel or some obscure French brand I have, tight fit button downs, tight fit polos, black Prada loafers, Issey Miyake cologne. This works like crazy in NYC, but doesn't seem to work anywhere else.

 

When on the boat, I just wear bum clothes.

 

That's another downfall with traveling. I have to have a lot of different "costumes" to wear. The fancy clothing is great for NYC, marginally OK for Miami and no good anywhere else except Europe.

 

What are you suggesting I do? Get that hippie image I'm talking about? Some looser jeans... no idea on the shoes... some T shirts with a v neck or no sleeves at all... leather and bead type neck wear... longish hair? That's what I'm wondering. Do I need to do all of that?

 

I guess I get very confused because I live and travel to so many different places and they all have people looking for different things. They all expect something different. If I am in Manhattan with the hippie look, I get treated poorly. It's weird like that.

 

Yeah, I'm really experienced with the age difference dating (and 10 year marriage to someone 8 years younger). It's bizarre, but that's just where I fit better. They like me, I like them. No problems there. The issue is surrounding my desire for a girl that's just a bit on the hippie side... and how to attract them.

 

I'm in my late 30's. I can reel in 21-30 year old girls all day long, but they aren't the ones I'm looking for. They are club girl types. City girls. I'm looking for someone with more depth. More of a sense of their place on Earth and that shares those values I have. The ex wife had the values, but she also had the mental illness. That would have worked out just fine if the illness didn't flare up. Just trying to find a sane one that shares my values and ideas about life. Not easy, but I'm wondering if I need to do more about my image to attract those *specific* types of girls.

 

Not having trouble attracting girls at all, just those specific ones I'm interested in, if that make sense.

 

Oooh.... BTW... I don't "hit on girls." I'm lucky to come across much better than that. 99% of that is some kind of luck in the way you look or something. I'm a regular, nice guy and no girls have ever felt "hit on" by me in any way. I don't go around hitting on them. I get to know people and things progress from there, if there is an interest. I am never, *ever* looking for only one thing. Not my style. Just normal, friendly stuff, not relentless badgering and creepy vibes.

 

How old are you? I can't imagine a shaved head having anything to do with who you are attracting. It's more likely your attitude and the way you dress.

 

I don't particularly like shaved heads but it wouldn't keep me from dating someone that I had something in common with.

 

Whenever I have dated, I always went for men based on personality. Somebody who seems like they are intelligent and interesting. I don't pay as much attention to looks, I don't know if I like someone unless I talk to them. I don't know about other women, though. I've always been different from other women.

 

If you are way older than the women you are interested in then it may be keeping you from attracting what you want. Some women only like older guys for the money.

 

"Hippie" women may not be motivated enough to date someone so much older than they are because they are not looking for money.

 

And I have to mention, usually when a guy who is considerably older than me hits on me I find it creepy. Not because they are older, but because they usually end up being sleazy and only want one thing.

Edited October 13, 2013 by theothersully

[Outsider77]

Honestly, I would be intimidated by the way you usually dress. Very stylish, more expensive clothing than I could afford, it makes it seem like you are very concerned with materialistic things, that you have money, and are looking for someone the same.

 

That's just my personal opinion. I like to look nice, but I'm more casual, not really into materialistic things. I also don't have a lot of money so I would feel uncomfortable. People in my family are wealthy and like to show off, are very materialistic and shallow. I really am not into that.

 

So maybe girls who have the personality you are looking for may feel the same way. They aren't about materialism, and may get the wrong impression from your dress.

 

Most girls that are into yoga, outdoors, "hippie" type stuff are more casual from my experience.

[Outsider77]

Oh, I want to add that I don't think you need to go overboard with the hippie image. I don't think you need to grow out your hair or anything drastic. You may just come off as a stoner, or someone trying to relive the grunge era. I don't think that look is age appropriate. Just maybe try to dress more like a regular guy. I've never lived in nyc, just live in an average city and casual works better here.

[theothersully]

Thank you soooo much!

 

That is one of the most helpful pieces of advice I've ever received. I was suspecting I need to change my style to attract the right type and you totally confirmed it. Funny thing is, I'm not even a little concerned with money, showing off or what other people think. This is why I'm having so much trouble with image. I have never worried about it before.

 

I'll keep those clothes for NYC only and get something more casual together for everywhere else. Great advice on that.

 

Anyone have thoughts on what they like to see a casual guy wear? Jeans - yes. What sort of shoes? Shirts? How about when it's 90 degrees out?

[theothersully]

Also, the stylish clothing makes me stand out. How do I stand out if I'm wearing the same clothes as everyone else? Any ideas on that?

[M30USA]

I intentionally don't dress stylishly because I don't want image-centered people to gravitate towards me. I'm always clean and very hygienic but I wear very bland clothing.

Edited October 13, 2013 by M30USA

[Outsider77]

I really have no idea what brands of clothes guys usually wear. I'm not a guy so I really don't pay attention. Just don't look like a slob. T shirts are probably too casual for "going out". Maybe casual button down shirt. Casual loafers at night or sneakers during the day. Actually, I see a lot of guys who look sloppy even going out at night but that's usually the younger ones.

 

As far as standing out, options are limited for men. Men's clothing is usually variations of the same things. Women have many, many more clothing options. Try to wear one thing that is kind of unique if you want to stand out. Like your shoes, or an interesting shirt. If you do too much you're going to look like you are trying too hard or that you are gay. Men just generally aren't super-stylish except in big cities.

 

And don't overdo the cologne. If you are leaving a trail of fragrance wherever you go, you are using too much. Less is more, in my opinion. I hate when guys dump half a bottle of cologne on them before they go out. Old ladies do that, too.

[lollipopspot]

That's the weird thing. My attitude is "nice guy" (who I guess kinda knows what he's doing) and shaved head. The way I dress is 100% Calvin Klein form fitting clothing. Tighter jeans from Diesel or some obscure French brand I have, tight fit button downs, tight fit polos, black Prada loafers, Issey Miyake cologne. This works like crazy in NYC, but doesn't seem to work anywhere else...

 

The issue is surrounding my desire for a girl that's just a bit on the hippie side... and how to attract them.

 

I think the tight clothes, Prada loafers, and cologne might be a bit off-putting to the kind of woman you want to attract. No matter what, lose the cologne! Women who are more natural and outdoorsy do not really appreciate cologne as a rule.

 

I might suggest going to REI and other mid-range adult stores (i.e. not Hollister) and finding some more sporty, casual, but neat clothing. I think your style should be more West Coast (Seattle, Oregon, Northern California) than New York chic, if you understand what I mean.

[theothersully]

Awesome. Thank you again. I'll try for a little reinvention.

[Criticality]

Riddle me this...

 

How does a guy who claims that

I have zero image. I've never done anything for image, believing that my actions and values mean something and image does not.

 

Figure out, that in order to attract "hippie girls" he needs to reinvent his style and start dressing in a particular way?

 

Is it just me, or is this a giant contradiction?

It's like saying "I'm a peaceful guy. I believe in kindness first and love not war... Having said that, I DO like to give my wife a savage beating now and then!"

 

 

Theothersully: You seem like a cool dude... But doesn't this venture strike you as a little high schoolish? And do you really want a woman who's so superficial, that she doesn't believe in dating outside of her clique?

 

And a hippie chick? From what you're mentioning about yourself, why would that be the right match? Heck, sustainability and locally grown organic foods is pretty much a yuppie thing these days, isn't it?

[theothersully]

Excellent questions. The answer is... I don't know. That's why I'm here.

 

What I am finding is... other people do not follow the same philosophy. Other people make their decisions based on outward appearance. I'd love it if they didn't, but I cant walk around thinking everyone else is wrong and I'm right. If that happens, you know it's a problem within yourself.

 

It seems that somehow, I must convey an image.

 

I'm not even sure hippie girl is the right term. What I'm trying *not* to attract is the woman that follows all of society's rules, shops like crazy for junk, needs a picket fence life and kids, is impressed by cars, is very materialistic and sucks down sugary Starbucks coffees all day while sitting at a desk in an office, leading to weight gain.

 

Sadly, just as women complain about men with a laundry list like that, I, too have a laundry list. This isn't a list of things I want because I'm a jerk, but because i am looking for someone I'm compatible with. I am the exact opposite of that laundry list above. I need my next relationship to be more compatible.

 

I kinda need a bit of a badass chick for compatibility. I also take health and being in shape pretty seriously, so that's why I need that too.

 

But... that's the dream. Maybe if I adopt a more hippie/badass image, I'll attract the ones like that?

 

In lost.... lol. Any input is much appreciated.

 

 

Riddle me this...

 

How does a guy who claims that

 

 

Figure out, that in order to attract "hippie girls" he needs to reinvent his style and start dressing in a particular way?

 

Is it just me, or is this a giant contradiction?

It's like saying "I'm a peaceful guy. I believe in kindness first and love not war... Having said that, I DO like to give my wife a savage beating now and then!"

 

 

Theothersully: You seem like a cool dude... But doesn't this venture strike you as a little high schoolish? And do you really want a woman who's so superficial, that she doesn't believe in dating outside of her clique?

 

And a hippie chick? From what you're mentioning about yourself, why would that be the right match? Heck, sustainability and locally grown organic foods is pretty much a yuppie thing these days, isn't it?

[Criticality]

I assume you've tried this, but I'll give it a shot anyways...

 

You tried Internet dating? Cause that seems like the answer for a guy like you who's looking for something very specific. And you get to know people beforehand to a certain extent, so you won't just get blown off right away for dressing wrong...

 

You're in the US, right? Have you tried expanding your horizon to Europe or Canada? I think women here might be a little less ehm, I'm trying hard not to offend any American girls. (Whom I for whatever reason prefer in most cases...)

 

But I digress...

 

It seems to me, that part of your problem is, that you're looking for a complex woman, yes? One you can't easily define and put in a category.

 

Well in my experience, women in Europe and (and to a lesser extent Canada) might be slightly more rounded. The boxes and categories that society and culture defines for women and place them in, are a little different here. The lines aren't drawn as markedly as it in the US.

(Does that make sense?)

 

So I think it might be a little easier to find what you're looking for here.

[Lokie]

I live in a very liberal city and do yoga, am vegetarian, believe in saving the earth and practice meditation. I guess this could be considered a "hippie."

 

Personally, I would focus much more on your humility, than your image. From your post, I feel that you don't really know who you are and are more focused on what your partner looks like and what age they are, than WHO they are. To me, loving who people are, regardless of externals, is more of the true nature of people like me. You could look like Shrek but if you were kind and funny and true, all the women in my yoga classes would be completely digging you.

 

A kindred soul would never say things like, "Now, I'm not looking for big, overweight, major hippies who are hippies because they are lazy. I'm looking for modern women who keep in shape, do yoga, enjoy exercise, eating right and keeping in shape as much as I do, but that have a distinct leaning toward hippie values." Peace-loving, tree hugging, spiritual women would run for the hills when they get this vibe from you.

[theothersully]

That makes a lot of sense, actually. Amazing insight.

 

I always get along much better with Europeans than average Americans.

 

I think the same way they do for some reason. Great advice. I'm a dual US EU citizen anyway, so that could help with logistics. Thanks. Will try that too.

 

I assume you've tried this, but I'll give it a shot anyways...

 

You tried Internet dating? Cause that seems like the answer for a guy like you who's looking for something very specific. And you get to know people beforehand to a certain extent, so you won't just get blown off right away for dressing wrong...

 

You're in the US, right? Have you tried expanding your horizon to Europe or Canada? I think women here might be a little less ehm, I'm trying hard not to offend any American girls. (Whom I for whatever reason prefer in most cases...)

 

But I digress...

 

It seems to me, that part of your problem is, that you're looking for a complex woman, yes? One you can't easily define and put in a category.

 

Well in my experience, women in Europe and (and to a lesser extent Canada) might be slightly more rounded. The boxes and categories that society and culture defines for women and place them in, are a little different here. The lines aren't drawn as markedly as it in the US.

(Does that make sense?)

 

So I think it might be a little easier to find what you're looking for here.

[theothersully]

Bad read of my post. The most important thing is who the partner is. The compatibility stuff is highly emphasized to get the point across. You have things you are looking for in guys. Nobody is going to hassle you if you come on here and say what they are.

 

I know exactly who I am and it's very clear in this thread. M outward image does not match who I am, which is the issue.

 

Your Shrek example is accurate, for women. That is not how men work. Physical shape (which I am also in) is a large factor in our attraction to women. Learn to accept it. It's biology and I'm not going to pretend I'm not a man by stifling my natural instincts. Looks (as in if someone is in shape, not style) matter 100% to men.

 

If men in your yoga class tell you otherwise, they are BSing you and possibly themselves.

 

My post is overly descriptive to drive home who I am looking for. That is... someone I am more compatible with.

 

I've never sent any girls "running for the hills”, so I'm not going to worry about that whole mess. Everything about the "who" is emphasized to help make things more clear regarding the question:

 

"Do i need to change my image to attract different types of girls?"

 

All that said, I look to learn from my partner as well. If she has some spiritual thing to add, I am excited to learn it. I have a degree in Physics and Computer Science and worked at NASA. Not very spiritual, but interested. My ex wife was a Wiccan high priestess for example. I found the philosophy intriguing.

 

 

 

I live in a very liberal city and do yoga, am vegetarian, believe in saving the earth and practice meditation. I guess this could be considered a "hippie."

 

Personally, I would focus much more on your humility, than your image. From your post, I feel that you don't really know who you are and are more focused on what your partner looks like and what age they are, than WHO they are. To me, loving who people are, regardless of externals, is more of the true nature of people like me. You could look like Shrek but if you were kind and funny and true, all the women in my yoga classes would be completely digging you.

 

A kindred soul would never say things like, "Now, I'm not looking for big, overweight, major hippies who are hippies because they are lazy. I'm looking for modern women who keep in shape, do yoga, enjoy exercise, eating right and keeping in shape as much as I do, but that have a distinct leaning toward hippie values." Peace-loving, tree hugging, spiritual women would run for the hills when they get this vibe from you.

Edited October 14, 2013 by theothersully

[Lokie]

Defensiveness, condescension and speaking on behalf of all men are not attractive traits, IMO.

 

I stand by my opinion that your insides deserve a closer look in order to attract your dream girl, whatever your preferences.

[Criticality]

You could look like Shrek but if you were kind and funny and true, all the women in my yoga classes would be completely digging you.

.

 

Dear Lokie,

 

We got together and read your post. We wish it was true. However with all respect, you must be high girl! That is not our experience!

 

Signed,

 

All the guys that look like Shrek

[Lokie]

Criticality,

 

Perhaps... but that sense of humor will get you some chicks for sure! :-)

 

Signed,

Shrek-lovin' yoga hippie chick

[HumptyDumpty]

7) Not looking to have kids.

 

Personally, this would be a huge problem for me! This is a deal-breaker and I had to break of a relationship due to this sort of deal-breaker!

 

It's not about the looks, if you look like the random guy on the internet, you're a good looking guy! However... yes, I wouldn't bother about the looks, they are already there but finding a woman who is in the same boat, which I think is sorta difficult since women are trained to have children one time in their life and I wouldn't be able to give up this "sense of life" (in all case in my life) for a guy!

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

I think the tight clothes, Prada loafers, and cologne might be a bit off-putting to the kind of woman you want to attract. No matter what, lose the cologne! Women who are more natural and outdoorsy do not really appreciate cologne as a rule.

 

I might suggest going to REI and other mid-range adult stores (i.e. not Hollister) and finding some more sporty, casual, but neat clothing. I think your style should be more West Coast (Seattle, Oregon, Northern California) than New York chic, if you understand what I mean.

 

Just piggybacking on this, OP. I suggest using Axe. I wear it all the time and young girls (my age and younger) always tell me that I smell good. Like the commercials say, it does help a bit.

[FitChick]

I would suggest the OP date older women. If they don't have kids by the time they are 45, they don't want any, or their kids are grown and gone so they are free to travel. Sofia Vergara is 41 with a 22-year old son. Not exactly an old hag. The hippie women I've noticed tend to be underweight because they are into a healthful lifestyle. Because of this healthy lifestyle they look younger than their male or female counterparts who do not have good health habits.

 

It's also a generational thing. I've noticed that the 20-somethings love creature comforts and technology and not very ambitious for the most part.

Edited October 20, 2013 by FitChick

[theothersully]

Wow... more good advice. Thank you. I don't rule anyone out based on age. There is no range of numbers, which is why the younger ones are in there to begin with.

 

Find someone else in shape, who eats right,, who is willing to live a crazy lifestyle, who does not want kids and I'm down for a serious LTR. That type of person is my dream.... no matter what age.

 

I almost found one that's 40. A vegan chef, from Paris. Cute, lots of compatibility, but she has an obvious eating disorder. My old marriage was with a mentally ill person. I need sanity this time... ha ha ha

[theothersully]

Just piggybacking on this, OP. I suggest using Axe. I wear it all the time and young girls (my age and younger) always tell me that I smell good. Like the commercials say, it does help a bit.

 

Are you serious?? Have you ever smelled Issey Miyake Sport at about $100 a bottle?? Go to a fragrance counter and smell some. Girls literally melt at the smell.

 

$10 Axe scents are not where it's at. You smell like every other guy doing that too.

 

Any girls here ever smell it?