It's harder leaving the second time.

[Phoe]

I'm feeling completely destroyed right now...

 

About a year ago I joined this site because I was in an emotional affair with my best friend from childhood, who has a girlfriend of 4 years. They were long distance at the time.

 

 

He had a crush on me in high school, I didn't know about that until I'd already graduated. He finally told me about the crush after I'd moved away for college. He also had already started dating his girlfriend at that time.

 

 

About two years ago I started having feelings for him. He was always my best friend but I always had still pictured him as the little kid from school. Now as adults, the more and more I saw him, the more and more I was attracted to him. He grew up into such a handsome man...

 

 

Our connection is what really draws us together though. We click. We understand each other. We finish each other's sentences, we know all the rotten sh** about each other, look past it, and see the wonderful things about ourselves. We never fight.

 

 

I kept my feelings for him hidden for about 9 months. I didnt want to invade on his relationship, even though from day 1 he'd always complained about being unhappy with her. Not feeling attracted, being sexually incompatible, her being clinically bipolar, him wanting to end things but not knowing how. I always just tried to support him in whatever decision he made. That was, until the day I finally admitted to him how I felt.

 

 

I'll be honest, I expected him to up and leave her immediately. He didn't.. he said he owed her brother money and was not morally comfortable with dumping her while still owing that to him. I accepted this and we slowly formed an emotional affair. We both became horribly attached...

 

 

6 months passed and he still hadn't left. I finally gave up, ended things with him, and went NC. A part of me expected that him losing me would be the kick in the butt he needed to finally leave, but imagine my shock when 3 weeks later, he MOVES IN WITH HER.

 

 

9 more months pass. During that time I had a brief relationship with a man who unintentionally gave me herpes and then broke up with me. AP contacts me one day, after all these months NC, saying after seeing my new facebook picture he couldn't control himself and needed to talk to me. That he missed me. That losing me had been eating away at him for several months. He asked if I would see him in person. I agreed. After 9 months NC just hearing from him made me crumble. I'd missed him every single day of those 9 months...

 

 

He makes the long drive up to see me. We plan to go bowling and find the bowling alley is closed. We end up spending hours just standing in the parking lot, talking, laughing. It comes time for him to head home and he can't bear to do it... I look into his eyes and suddenly he seems so very serious, he seems pained. He stares back into my eyes, locking into them so strongly, telling me how my eyes have always been the one thing to kill his resolve, to make him melt. I try to look away so that things will be easier for him. He starts leaning in closer and closer, says he wants to kiss me so badly but knows he can't. I suddenly realize our hands are linked, when did that happen?? I still can't stop looking into his eyes, I try to back away, but it's obvious I don't want to. "Why are you fighting it?" he asks. He suddenly pulls me against him and holds onto me for dear life, hugging me. He's shaking like a leaf and his heart is pounding against his chest, right where my head is resting. I tell him "I can feel your heart..." he says "It always does that when you're close to me."

 

 

We end up spending another hour standing in that parking lot, holding on to each other. He would stroke my hair, kiss my head. I breathed in his scent and felt my heart swell and ache...

 

 

Several weeks have now passed and we were in contact daily. I told him I now have herpes. It was so scary being honest with him about that. To my delight, he told me that could never change how he feels about me, and that he is not scared of the risk, that we will take precautions to be safe and that he just wants me to be healthy and happy. He started apartment hunting and telling me that he had informed his girlfriend that he would be moving out. These seemed like wonderful steps. The past week though, it seemed to slow. The places he looked into fell through, I wasn't sensing any more effort from him in hunting, it seemed like it was falling into the same routine as before.

 

 

I ended things again yesterday. Sent him a final message. He read it but did not respond. I went even further. I defriended him on facebook, blocked him, and then deactivated my facebook entirely.

 

 

I'm a wreck. I worry that I jumped the gun and ended things too quickly and that maybe he really was going to move out. Maybe he would've found a place tomorrow! I also get scared that maybe having herpes really did put him off but he did not want to upset me.

 

 

I desperately want to text him. I want to shout at him. I want to kiss him.

 

 

My heart feels like it's been put in a blender.

[GatsbyMH]

I understand a lot of the things you are feeling. I'm a big believer in Fate. If it's meant to be, it will be. If he really loves you and wants to be with you, he will contact you somehow.

 

Best of luck in this.

[Artie Lang]

honestly, it doesn't sound like this is over.

 

i'm sure you and him will resume contact.

[LilGirlandOW]

Good luck with everything.

 

You defriended him because he was taking to long to find a place?

 

Hope you can find some kind of solace in this situation. ((Hugs))

[Phoe]

honestly, it doesn't sound like this is over.

 

i'm sure you and him will resume contact.

 

 

 

He may reach out again, but will it be another 9 months like last time?

 

 

I don't want to go through this a 3rd time. It pains me to wait for him while he goes home to his girlfriend every night. Even though they fight constantly. He will often sleep on the floor rather than next to her. He sometimes comes home to find his things have been put on the front porch. I know I should not be jealous, but I am. I am not good enough for him to leave.

[Phoe]

I'm sorry you are hurting. The end of a relationship is always so damn difficult, especially with the added issues of an affair.

 

Thing is, if you ended it, you had reason to. Second guessing yourself isn't going to help anything (although I realize why you are doing so). It's so hard to be confident in these situations that you are doing the right thing, but I believe that we do the right thing, even if impulsively (kind of like, your first answer is always the one you should go with!).

 

If you are meant to be together, you will be. No matter the obstacles in life, two people that are meant and want to be together, will be. Maybe now isn't the time, maybe it will never happen, maybe it will happen tomorrow. I think the best thing for you now would be to be strong in your confidence in yourself to make good decisions, and to know that however the cookie crumbles is exactly how it is supposed to. You can't do all the work of keeping the two of you in touch and together, he has to do some of it too.

 

I honestly don't think it's the STD that's the issue. He maybe just needs time to deal with his own obstacles, his own baggage. Hang in there and do some self soothing this weekend so that you can be healthy and happy. Thinking of you and wishing you the best...

 

Thank you.

 

 

I'm just anxious that even if he did want me, he'd be too scared to reach out. Me blocking him on facebook is probably a very big deal to him. He was the first person I added as a friend when I made my profile so many years ago...

[Phoe]

Good luck with everything.

 

You defriended him because he was taking to long to find a place?

 

Hope you can find some kind of solace in this situation. ((Hugs))

 

 

 

Thank you.

 

 

I ended things not because he's "taking so long" but more because I don't think he really was going to move out. I don't believe it anymore.

 

 

I blocked him on facebook specifically so that I would not have to see his profile anymore. I don't want to see the pictures of him and his girlfriend..

[whichwayisup]

He may reach out again, but will it be another 9 months like last time?

 

 

I don't want to go through this a 3rd time. It pains me to wait for him while he goes home to his girlfriend every night. Even though they fight constantly. He will often sleep on the floor rather than next to her. He sometimes comes home to find his things have been put on the front porch. I know I should not be jealous, but I am. I am not good enough for him to leave.

 

It has nothing to do with you, this is all about him and his dysfunctional relationship and how he is handling everything. He's passive and unless SHE ends it and kicks him out for good, he ain't leaving. Don't be his 'soft' landing. If they end and he's been on his own for a while, then consider 'dating' him in a proper way. Until then, shut him out of your life. This guy needs to fix himself before he's able to begin a new R with you or even continue a R with her. He's broken and a bit screwed up.

[Phoe]

It has nothing to do with you, this is all about him and his dysfunctional relationship and how he is handling everything. He's passive and unless SHE ends it and kicks him out for good, he ain't leaving. Don't be his 'soft' landing. If they end and he's been on his own for a while, then consider 'dating' him in a proper way. Until then, shut him out of your life. This guy needs to fix himself before he's able to begin a new R with you or even continue a R with her. He's broken and a bit screwed up.

 

He started talking about me moving in with him, and how he hopes he'll be with me forever (then apologizing once he realized the seriousness of what he'd said, I think he was sort of "thinking out loud" and it slipped), and even talking about marriage...

 

 

I told him this all made me very happy, but that it would probably be a better idea if he would be single for a while. He doesn't even know what it's like to be single, he's been in this dysfunctional relationship since he was a teenager. He was not very receptive to this idea, and despite the fact that he doesn't like people who "monkey-bar" from relationship to relationship, he accepted that he was gonna do just that, and did not want to wait around in singleness when all he wanted was to start a life with me.

 

 

I'd rather take it slow and do it properly.

 

 

But in my eyes we weren't moving slowly, we were not moving at all! All the hemming and hawing about finding a new place to live. How he couldn't find a place that fit all the criteria. Under $1000, garage space, good neighborhood, close to work. Well... I did a craigslist search myself and found plenty of options. TOO MANY options. Overwhelming amount, but literally, all he'd have to do is pick up the phone, call, set up a tour. He said he called around but apparently nothing was to his liking. He had his hopes set on a place with a coworker, but was waiting on the current person to be evicted for non-payment, but said coworker was being wishy washy on evicting the non-payer, because they are friends.

 

 

idk. I used to work in property management, if he was dead serious, he could find a place to meet his needs. Property managers will go out of their way to get a guy with good credit into their apartment. It would not be hard. He could do it so easily. In the past when I was in a bad living situation (peeping tom landlord), I was able to find a new place and move in all in the span of a week. I was dead serious about moving out, and it only took a week for it to happen. If he was dead serious, he would've been out weeks ago. If he was dead serious about me, he never would have moved in with her at all!!! He claims he did it hoping it would fix the issues they were having. Derp move. Now their issues are worse, but he can't escape her now. Kinda hard to keep distance from your angry girlfriend when you now share a bed with her, instead of living 300 miles from her like he used to.

[Phoe]

God. Everything in this town reminds me of him.

 

Suppose that's the risk when you fall in love with your childhood best friend.

 

 

I mostly laid in bed all day. Managed to eat half a sandwich. Was disgusted. Bleh.

 

 

My head started hurting since not only had I barely eaten, I had no water, forgot to take my vitamins, and had no caffeine or sugar, which my body always needs a little bit of those to keep from feeling like garbage. Any change to my routine and my body freaks out. It's sadly, quite fragile and sensitive.

 

 

Decided to go treat myself to a venti Starbucks drink. Get outta the house. Blast some music. Something. Anything.

 

 

Get in my car and notice the colored lights on my deck. They're customizable. He recommended the color scheme. GOD. I like those colors... they're pretty. I don't want to change them!

 

 

Browsed through my phone trying to pick some music. Something upbeat, nothing that I could associate with him. Begrudgingly settled with Britney Spears.

 

 

On the drive home I started noticing all the different places. The bowling alley we always bowled at... the target where his brother worked. the grocery store where our school held car-washes back when we were kids... the park where we made ourselves sick on the swings.

 

 

And so, there I was, driving down the highway with my sunglasses on and Starbucks in hand, bawling my eyes out as Britney Spears "Toxic" blared through my car speakers.

 

 

Yep.

 

 

-_____-

[whichwayisup]

He started talking about me moving in with him, and how he hopes he'll be with me forever (then apologizing once he realized the seriousness of what he'd said, I think he was sort of "thinking out loud" and it slipped), and even talking about marriage...

I'm sure he meant every word..While saying it, but knew he couldn't follow through. Take that to heart if it means helping you let go of him.

 

Seems the timing is all wrong (again) and just because he makes your heart swell, doesn't mean you have to have him. Love him from afar. Wish him the best and just know that you two do have a connection, probably for life but since he truly isn't available, it can't happen. Why put yourself through that roller coaster ride. Have bits and pieces of him, share him with someone else. You deserve better.

 

If/when the time comes they break up, then date him. Until then, protect your heart and try to let him go.

 

I told him this all made me very happy, but that it would probably be a better idea if he would be single for a while. He doesn't even know what it's like to be single, he's been in this dysfunctional relationship since he was a teenager. He was not very receptive to this idea, and despite the fact that he doesn't like people who "monkey-bar" from relationship to relationship, he accepted that he was gonna do just that, and did not want to wait around in singleness when all he wanted was to start a life with me.

So, he has issues and his relationships have been unhealthy. Another reason not to get involved with him until (if) he is single and has worked through his stuff. Fantasy and wanting is one thing, reality is another. If he has poor coping skills, has an unhealthy outlook in relationships, yours with him won't be what you hoped it to be.

 

I'd rather take it slow and do it properly.

 

Exactly!

But in my eyes we weren't moving slowly, we were not moving at all! All the hemming and hawing about finding a new place to live. How he couldn't find a place that fit all the criteria. Under $1000, garage space, good neighborhood, close to work. Well... I did a craigslist search myself and found plenty of options. TOO MANY options. Overwhelming amount, but literally, all he'd have to do is pick up the phone, call, set up a tour. He said he called around but apparently nothing was to his liking. He had his hopes set on a place with a coworker, but was waiting on the current person to be evicted for non-payment, but said coworker was being wishy washy on evicting the non-payer, because they are friends.

So maybe in his head on paper it was all good but putting a plan together and making it happen was too much for him. Either way, he is the one who dragged his feet. Issues he has....

 

idk. I used to work in property management, if he was dead serious, he could find a place to meet his needs. Property managers will go out of their way to get a guy with good credit into their apartment. It would not be hard. He could do it so easily. In the past when I was in a bad living situation (peeping tom landlord), I was able to find a new place and move in all in the span of a week. I was dead serious about moving out, and it only took a week for it to happen. If he was dead serious, he would've been out weeks ago. If he was dead serious about me, he never would have moved in with her at all!!! He claims he did it hoping it would fix the issues they were having. Derp move. Now their issues are worse, but he can't escape her now. Kinda hard to keep distance from your angry girlfriend when you now share a bed with her, instead of living 300 miles from her like he used to.

 

Remember too, you're hearing all his side of things, so you do not know 100% for sure if everything he has told you is true. Some of it could be skewed to make him look better in your eyes. I think he is used to comfortable and it's hard for him to change, make the changes... Or, he has totally exaggerated his situation with her and wants you both. Whatever the truth is, his actions / non actions are showing you that you and him isn't happening. He needs to respect you and leave you alone until he figures things out, ends it with her and has been on his own for a while. Then you two can date.

 

I requested for the other post to be removed, for some reason in the middle of posting to you, it posted before I was done. Have no idea why or how that happened!!

Edited October 13, 2013 by whichwayisup
Add comment.

[Phoe]

I had a similar day today. It takes a while to get past something and process it. And, I'm in the same town that he grew up (I didn't) and so I have a lot of reminders of him here also. And music? Blah. Considering his business is related to music - I can never find anything that doesn't bring him to mind.

 

It gets easier, I'm sure of it. Hang in there - time really does heal - we just have to get through it until we are there. Fake it until me make it I guess. Just know you have a sistah out here going through the same thing on certain days...

 

Today is my day off. Not liking it. Would prefer being at work.

 

 

Luckily I have a very full week ahead of me. Can keep myself occupied as much as possible. No laying in bed being a bum -.-

[Artie Lang]

I don't want to go through this a 3rd time. It pains me to wait for him while he goes home to his girlfriend every night.

 

well, the outcome is entirely up to you.

 

don't sell yourself short is all i have to say.

[Phoe]

I'm sure he meant every word..While saying it, but knew he couldn't follow through. Take that to heart if it means helping you let go of him.

 

Seems the timing is all wrong (again) and just because he makes your heart swell, doesn't mean you have to have him. Love him from afar. Wish him the best and just know that you two do have a connection, probably for life but since he truly isn't available, it can't happen. Why put yourself through that roller coaster ride. Have bits and pieces of him, share him with someone else. You deserve better.

 

So maybe in his head on paper it was all good but putting a plan together and making it happen was too much for him. Either way, he is the one who dragged his feet. Issues he has....

 

Remember too, you're hearing all his side of things, so you do not know 100% for sure if everything he has told you is true. Some of it could be skewed to make him look better in your eyes. I think he is used to comfortable and it's hard for him to change, make the changes... Or, he has totally exaggerated his situation with her and wants you both.

 

It's quite relieving that in sharing what's going on, you've come up with an explanation that is EXACTLY like how I've pictured the scenario, and that exactly describes who he is.... it makes me feel more at ease.

 

 

His exact words the first time we spoke after that 9 months NC was "I wanted to, I planned to, I expected to leave her, but I just couldn't go through with it" Not being able to go through with it was exactly the problem.

 

 

I trust that he does want me and care for me a great deal. I know he must be hurting now too. He's likely coping by suddenly warming up to his girlfriend again. Distracting himself with her.

 

 

Whenever he started to get exaggerative about his situation (he once said he hated her), I would stop him. He would then become more honest. Said the good days and bad days were about 50/50. That she'd be nice and pleasant half the time and that on those days he'd tell himself "maybe I truly can be happy with her" and then try to live with that, but then the other half of the time her bipolar disorder would take over, she'd flip a switch, and **** would hit the fan for NO reason. He started to change. He started to walk on eggshells and behave in ways so as to prevent her from having a fit. If he noticed the telltale signs of a tantrum about to happen, he'd do his best to stop it from happening, appease her, anything. And when she DOES start raging at him, he just does whatever she wants, even if its a horrible pain for him, just to keep her appeased. That is no way to live. He feels he's lost his sense of self and I know he needs to get that back. I've also personally been on the receiving end of her anger... a few years ago me and him used to play words with friends on facebook, we always would just have a game going and would take a turn whenever we'd sign on. Well, when she found this out she went INSANE. Forbade him from ever playing facebook games with me again, sent me a nasty message. It was so childish...

 

 

He also struggles with the attraction... she doesn't really take good care of herself. Both with exercise and with hygiene sometimes. She also comes from a very traditional and religious background and their views on sex just do not match up. He has struggled with that since day 1.

 

 

He always states how he regrets ever being with her, should've noticed all the red flags early on, wishes he'd left years ago when things went south.

[whichwayisup]

It's quite relieving that in sharing what's going on, you've come up with an explanation that is EXACTLY like how I've pictured the scenario, and that exactly describes who he is.... it makes me feel more at ease.

Glad to ease your mind. Hope your anxiety level lessens and you feel a bit more at peace.

His exact words the first time we spoke after that 9 months NC was "I wanted to, I planned to, I expected to leave her, but I just couldn't go through with it" Not being able to go through with it was exactly the problem.

The thing is, he has a life with her. Friends, family, a routine day in and day out. It's hard to just walk away from that and start over with someone else who you don't know as well and haven't been involved with in each other daily lives. He is giving up a lot for the unknown. If his R is to end, let it be because it isn't working and he'd rather be alone and ON his own than jump ship, straight to you. Hope that makes sense.

I trust that he does want me and care for me a great deal. I know he must be hurting now too. He's likely coping by suddenly warming up to his girlfriend again. Distracting himself with her.

 

Don't let your mind go there, all it'll do is make you feel worse.

 

Whenever he started to get exaggerative about his situation (he once said he hated her), I would stop him. He would then become more honest. Said the good days and bad days were about 50/50. That she'd be nice and pleasant half the time and that on those days he'd tell himself "maybe I truly can be happy with her" and then try to live with that, but then the other half of the time her bipolar disorder would take over, she'd flip a switch, and **** would hit the fan for NO reason.

 

If she truly has BP, then he has to learn how to cope and deal with her when she has her low times and mood swings.

He started to change. He started to walk on eggshells and behave in ways so as to prevent her from having a fit. If he noticed the telltale signs of a tantrum about to happen, he'd do his best to stop it from happening, appease her, anything. And when she DOES start raging at him, he just does whatever she wants, even if its a horrible pain for him, just to keep her appeased. That is no way to live. He feels he's lost his sense of self and I know he needs to get that back. I've also personally been on the receiving end of her anger... a few years ago me and him used to play words with friends on facebook, we always would just have a game going and would take a turn whenever we'd sign on. Well, when she found this out she went INSANE. Forbade him from ever playing facebook games with me again, sent me a nasty message. It was so childish...

 

All part of BP, or if she doesn't have it, she has control issues and is extremely jealous.

 

 

He also struggles with the attraction... she doesn't really take good care of herself. Both with exercise and with hygiene sometimes. She also comes from a very traditional and religious background and their views on sex just do not match up. He has struggled with that since day 1.

 

 

He always states how he regrets ever being with her, should've noticed all the red flags early on, wishes he'd left years ago when things went south.

Ask yourself why he still with her? He IS getting something from her, otherwise he'd leave. He loves her enough to stay. If he didn't, he would man up and leave.

[BetrayedH]

Phoe, I've enjoyed you posts for quite some time on one of the um, other, forums and frankly, you sound like a wonderful young woman but one that's desperate for a good relationship.

 

This isn't the one. Be patient. Listen to WWIU (great poster who has given you great advice).

 

Have NC with your ex until such time as you have confirmed that he has moved out. That should just be a standard for the men you date. It shows respect for yourself (and for the real GFs).

 

I also agree that this guy has issues. He clearly can lie to her. And you can count on him "exaggerating" their difficulties to you. Would you be so up for a relationship if he said, "Oh she's great, I just want a little side action?" He knows how to play your heartstrings and right now, you're vulnerable.

 

Trust me, the right man is out there for you. But it isn't this guy, at least not right now. You should be confident that you've done the right thing here.

[Phoe]

I also agree that this guy has issues. He clearly can lie to her. And you can count on him "exaggerating" their difficulties to you. Would you be so up for a relationship if he said, "Oh she's great, I just want a little side action?" He knows how to play your heartstrings and right now, you're vulnerable.

 

Trust me, the right man is out there for you. But it isn't this guy, at least not right now. You should be confident that you've done the right thing here.

 

See, the thing is, it's not "side action". We're not having sex, this has all been strictly emotional...

 

 

and it's not so much "playing on my heartstrings" so much as we have been close and "connected" so to speak, since we were kids. This wasn't some guy who came into my life and charmed my pants off, this is my best friend.

 

 

I've known him for so long, and I know him well. I daresay I may actually "understand" him better than his girlfriend does. Half of the arguments they have stem from her not understanding his sense of humor. He tries to be funny and it just pisses her off. She doesn't "get it".

 

 

I understand why it seems like I'm desperate, but this is the one person in my life who has always been closest to me. Like I said, not some dude who came around and charmed me. My desire for him started long ago, and it started very slowly. This all has been years and years of something built up... not so much a "desperation" for something, anything.

 

 

While there is that pitiful voice inside my head asking "why the heck does NO ONE want me?" it really is useless because I don't even want anyone else. All that matters is that HE doesn't want me.

[Phoe]

I have had a pretty rough past few days..

 

My best friend left her fiancee two days ago, for another man. The whole thing took 2 weeks... she made up her mind, left him, and is in the process of moving out.

 

 

She made it look so easy. Made the fact that my AP wouldn't leave after a whole year that much more like a slap in the face. Made it obvious that when someone truly wants another person, they will go for them. He doesn't want me.

 

 

The new guy my friend is now with is a mutual friend of ours. We all went out to dinner last night. My friend has been trying to get me out and about to get me out of my funk. She even tried over the weekend to hook me up with a guy. The guy was pretty uninterested... kinda got me even more down... Anyway, last night while sitting at the bar there were 2 guys near us. One of them started flirting with my friend. She tried being polite but sorta just was very short with him. In my head I was thinking "Dude. Flirt with me. She's taken. She doesn't wanna flirt. You can flirt with me." I decided to just take a leap and blatantly flirted with the guy. He just sorta half smiled at me and turned back to his buddy and started chatting with him again. -.- A few minutes later he started trying to talk to my friend again, she got annoyed, gave him the finger, and we moved to a different area of the restaurant.

 

 

Later in the evening another mutual acquaintance of ours met up with us. My friend, once again, tried very hard to hook me up with the guy. She even went so far as to say "You and Phoe should get together, you guys would be so sexy together" and he got kinda flustered and made some strange excuses and I just sat there thinking "why me? why do I get put in these situations? this is embarrassing. I know I'm not wanted but I don't wanna be reminded of this..."

 

 

By the time I got home I was ridiculously angry. Feeling triggered by not being wanted by the AP, feeling ugly having been snubbed by 3 other men this week, strangely jealous that my best friend has men just throwing themselves at her and she just picks the one she likes best...

 

 

My anger still has not subsided today. I failed miserably today and broke NC. I messaged the AP. I wanted to have an honest conversation about things. I wanted him to tell me the truth about everything he felt so that I could feel comfortable letting go.

 

 

He basically said this - Given the way my life is right now, it's best that you not get involved with me. I still care about you a lot and who knows what can happen in the future, but right now my life is crazy.

 

 

 

 

It hurt to hear him pretty much say "yeah, me and you have no business together so you should just take off" but it was also very necessary, and I thanked him for his honesty.

 

 

 

 

He then proceeded to say "but please don't cut me out of your life. Please don't reblock my facebook, please don't block me from messaging your phone. I only have myself to blame if you do, but I'd prefer if you didn't" - which led to a bit of an argument, me asking why on earth it would do either of us any good for him to ever contact me, so he said "Ok, how about I consider myself cut off from your life until I get my sh*t together. Until I'm on my own, no girlfriend"

 

 

that kind of irrittated me. I told him to stop pretending there would be a future for us, that he wouldn't ever be leaving her, to which he said "ok, then there's nothing for you to worry about. If I never leave her, then you won't ever hear from me, and things will be exactly how you are planning them to be anyway.

 

 

So, basically, he wants us to go our separate ways right now, but wants to still have the option to contact me in the future if he ever ends up single and decides he wants me.

 

 

 

 

This irritates me... doesn't that seem very selfish?

[cif]

You're allowing it. Why are you still contacting him.. NC and save your sanity! It is my experience that women are more likely to leave unhappy situations, more so than men. He's causing you to give off a negative vibe thats repelling these guys. Get him out of your system.

Edited October 17, 2013 by cif

[Phoe]

You're allowing it. Why are you still contacting him.. NC and save your sanity! It is my experience that women are more likely to leave unhappy situations, more so than men. He's causing you to give off a negative vibe thats repelling these guys. Get him out of your system.

 

 

 

Well naturally we're back to NC, just had a desire to walk away with some sort of clarity. We never talked it out. I got angry one night, messaged him saying "leave me alone!" and that was that. Now we've at least talked it out.

 

 

For whatever way he may have phrased his message, all I really got from the "you shouldn't be involved with me" is "I don't want you".

 

 

That's all there is to it. It hurts but I needed to know it. I know I've made the right choice.

 

 

We are now at an understanding that unless he ever breaks up with his girlfriend and wants to be with me, we will never speak again. He knows I will never contact him.

 

 

I don't expect I'll ever hear from him again.

[Phoe]

Phoe, I don't think that you give yourself nearly enough credit. As an objective observer, let me say - you are obviously very intelligent, very insightful, very self aware, very in tune with what you are giving and getting in this world. But, it seems like you are struggling with feeling unlovable? I know that's not super uncommon, and we all feel it at some points (most of us at least!), and I'm hopeful that this is just a low point for you and that is why you are feeling it. Because as far as I can tell, from what you post here, you seem like an amazing young woman - one that anyone would be lucky to have.

 

What if he has held onto you because he KNOWS this? And, what if he has strung you along a bit with this because he knows that the second that you aren't preoccupied with him that someone else will come and snap you up? Because honestly? That's what I think will happen the second you aren't interested in playing his game anymore and your heart and head aren't focused on him.

 

I appreciate your sentiments, but I truly am being realistic... I give myself as much credit as is deserved. I have decent qualities, but I am just not the most desirable girl. There are always better girls than me. My options are truly limited, and I try to make the best of it, but I really REALLY fail sometimes...

 

 

I have spent my entire adult life struggling to find men who are willing to date me. And the small handful that were willing, were not good to me at all.

 

 

He knows this. Being my close friend growing up, he was there by my side during those times. He would have a terrible girlfriend and I would have a terrible boyfriend and we'd sit together late into the night chatting, wondering why we bothered...

 

 

I was single for 6 years before my last ex came along.. a relationship that only lasted a month. And that was not for lack of trying. Men just don't want me. Last night alone was a clear indicator of this.

 

 

The first time me and him got into an emotional affair, he did frequently express fear that some mysterious man would come into my life and sweep me off my feet. I told him he was being silly... that he knows how unlikely that is, given my horrible luck. I have no idea whether he truly feared that, or whether it was just some irrational thought, or if he was just saying it to make me feel desired.

 

 

This second time around, he expressed no such fear.

[Phoe]

I'm really struggling now...

 

having a really paranoid freakout right now, having this fear that perhaps he never liked me to begin with. Maybe he never wanted me at all. Perhaps it was just an ego boost for him, a game so to speak... get me to fall completely head over heels for him. It surely makes him feel nice to know I'm crazy about him..

 

 

Maybe it's payback... maybe he really did like me all those years ago, but now resents me and wants the vindication of rejecting me, making me feel unwanted.

 

 

If so, he sure succeeded. I'm crying myself sick... I've always struggled with wondering why I'm not good enough, but I'm at an all time low. Never in my life have I felt so unwanted.

[velvette]

I'm really struggling now...

 

having a really paranoid freakout right now, having this fear that perhaps he never liked me to begin with. Maybe he never wanted me at all. Perhaps it was just an ego boost for him, a game so to speak... get me to fall completely head over heels for him. It surely makes him feel nice to know I'm crazy about him..

 

 

Maybe it's payback... maybe he really did like me all those years ago, but now resents me and wants the vindication of rejecting me, making me feel unwanted.

 

 

If so, he sure succeeded. I'm crying myself sick... I've always struggled with wondering why I'm not good enough, but I'm at an all time low. Never in my life have I felt so unwanted.

 

I'm sure its not payback. Men don't think like that.

 

Sometimes things just aren't meant to be. Timing. He's made a connection with someone else.

 

Why have you always struggled with not being good enough. where does that come from?

[Mascara]

Ok Phoe, tough love here because I do like you and I think you've found yourself in a situation you're not sure how to handle.

 

This is a man with NO ties to this woman. They're not married. They have no kids. They weren't even LIVING together when your affair first started. And even though they're living together now... you kinda know that all he has to do is pick up and leave. You know this "owing money" thing is a crock, he can continue to pay it back if he leaves.

 

There is only one reason he's not leaving - he doesn't want to. He is TOTALLY gas lighting you about how awful his situation is - what other option does he have? "Oh my girlfriend, we have our ups and downs, but she's amazing, I love her, I'd never leave her". If he said that he wouldn't get to have his little trysts with you would he?

 

This has gone on for ages Phoe, and he hasn't gone anywhere. In fact, he's ramped up their relationship. When they get married and have a baby, will you still be saying she's an awful person who he can barely stand?

 

This man is dreadful, I wish you'd see it. This isn't a man who is married for years, trapped by circumstance in an unhappy marriage - can you imagine what he'd be like as a husband if that's what he does at this stage in their relationship? Him moving in with his girlfriend negates EVERYTHING awful he says about her.

 

He's doing the classic thing of embellishing what you've witnessed to make it seem like more of the truth - she blows up at you for talking to her man (with good reason as it turns out - she clearly had a sixth sense of something not quite right in his views towards you) - and she's nasty, bipolar, makes his life a misery. Maybe she makes his life a misery because he's being a complete d!ck to her? Maybe she constantly catches him flirting with other women? Maybe not, but the point is, you don't know. It's like those men who say they're sick of drama queens... they're usually the ones causing the drama.

 

And men who are entangled with other women always embellish how awful their wives are. Just as when Dday occurs, he'll embellish how much you stalked him.

 

Honestly, you're better than this. This man is awful, and even if you get him he's got a cheaters mindset. Is that what you want? He could have met you, realised his relationship is a sham, walked away and lived happily ever after with you. He didn't, because he didn't want to leave her. This is not a story of star crossed lovers, it's a man wanting to stay with his girlfriend but have a little bit of excitement on the side.

[Phoe]

I know, Mascara.

 

Everything you said has definitely cycled through my mind so many times over the past year. The only thing that allows me to trust him is the fact that we've been friends since we were kids. He has always been honest with me, has always been a truthful person, and I trust that that has not changed. I know he cares for me a lot, and always has. I know at times he has overplayed the drama between them, and downplayed his feelings for her, and I tell him so when he does this. Yes, I've personally witnessed the horrible moments between them, but I also am aware of good times between them. He cares for her, but their relationship is a struggle.

 

 

We spoke again last night. He ended up in my town and we had a bit of an argument... which actually turned into a bit of a more civilized conversation.

 

 

He explained his situation. Apparently he didn't want to tell me any of this because he didn't want to give me "excuses". He didn't move out because his mom lost her job last week and all the money he'd saved up for first/last month's rent and deposit ended up being sent to her to support her. He said it will take a couple more paychecks to save it all back up.

 

 

When he came to my town last night he brought a uhaul with most of his stuff. Doesn't want to have much left at her house.

 

 

His main reason for moving in with her is because he got a job opportunity in a nearby town. He could not pass it up. I personally believe that he also did hope that moving in with her after I'd taken off the first time would help patch things up between them. But no matter how much I pester him on this, he insists it is not true, and his job is the only thing that led to the move in. I'm still iffy on it.

 

 

We at least were able to part ways peacefully last night. We are back NC, he is respecting my wishes to go ahead and live my life waiting. He says he wishes he hadn't wasted his second chance so early. That when he'd started searching for a new place to live that he got so excited and jumped the gun to contact me. He wishes he'd waited until he was truly out to actually contact me. He knows now that he is not to ever contact me under any circumstances unless he legitimately is living on his own and single.

 

 

I will live my life, and if he wants to be a part of it he knows the steps he has to take. No guarantees in any way. For now this book is shut.