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"we can't break up. we're not together."


littlelionheart

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littlelionheart

"we can't break up. we're not together. we sure as hell aren't married, yet you're acting like we're getting a f***ing divorce."

 

That's what -- let's call him *Chris* -- told me in one of his texts when he "ended" things with me last week.

 

Essentially, this is what happened leading up to the events last week (September 29 till October 5).

 

(Note: I'm 19, he's 23.

All of the dialogues -- including text -- will just be a summation, while others will be -- mostly -- the whole text. It's important I reveal the conversation that transpired between us, because it gives the big picture. I have great memory, lol).

 

The last time I saw Chris was the 22nd of September. I slept over that night. That morning, I had to leave and he asked, "why" as he was half asleep. "Because I have class." He walked me out to my car. Little did I know this was the last time I was going to see him in person...

 

-------------------------

 

That week, I literally asked him to hangout every single day. Literally. Chris' working schedule doesn't really allow him to do much (he works from 3:30PM till 12AM). When I asked him to hangout, he told me he couldn't because his work has been keeping him till 2AM. I ignored this and kept asking him everyday because we've hungout multiple times before when he got off at 2AM, so what's the big deal? (It has always been like this since him and I met: we would be limited to seeing each other late at night, or during the weekends, and sometimes I wouldn't see him every week. When this would happen, I knew to leave him alone and let him come to me. But obviously, it wasn't happening that week...) The week passes by, and every time I asked, he would either say "no" or just ignore me. That Sunday (September 29th), I was in LA and bought him a shirt. Of course, I would later regret that decision.

 

The next day, Monday, I got off my class and asked if I can come over. "I'm about t go to the gym." "How about tonight?" No answer. I texted him a few more times throughout the day, and one of my texts said, "sorry if I'm being so persistent. I really just want to see you."

 

"It's seriously annoying af."

 

I was taken aback... "sorry, I guess I'll stop."

 

But I didn't. That night, I sent him a long text message saying how it's "inconvenient" of him to leave me hanging especially when I'm trying to see him. I've told him before that it wasn't okay to not reply to me punctually, and he said he was sorry (but maybe he wasn't). In the bottom of my text I said, "I'm sure you're not even going to reply to this." Oh, but he does.

 

"It's not just you being needy. You're constantly asking me to hangout. Literally. Every. Single. Day. That's all you talk about. That's all you ask about. Last week I thought you had figured out what I wanted which was for me to let you know when I was available, but it never went to action. The best course of action for me is to just ignore you so I don't completely lose it on you -- yes, I'm that annoyed. I've been slammed with work this month (especially last week), and every night I would still have to tell you no. Once you figure out how to chill the f*ck out (another piece of advice I gave you), and survive not seeing me/trying to see me everyday, you'll feel better."

 

Looking back, I knew I should've apologized and give him space. But the next texts between us gets progressively worse throughout that week. I will try my best to condense some of them...

 

Tuesday

My reply after that text included:

"Me feeling better has nothing to do with me being dependent of you."

"Why haven't I heard you say 'I'm sorry once'?"

"You need to be sensitive to my needs and meet me halfway."

"It can't always be me."

 

His reply:

"Sorry for what? For 'leaving you hanging' after sending the same text 5,000 times? I don't owe you an answer. I don't you owe anything. I don't need to meet you halfway to anything. I don't see my problem. You want me to be there for you when YOU want me to be."

 

My reply:

"I don't want to stress you out or bother you anymore. You can end this if you want. I still have your shirt, if you want it back. I'm just sorry things ended up like this."

 

He doesn't reply, so I ask him that night (and I would later regret this) if he was "hesitating". Mentions of the shirt took place and whether or not he would like to end it.

 

The next morning, Wednesday, is when everything was about to turn into sh*t.

 

I got a text around 3AM, him saying:

"I can't believe how much you don't give a sh*t about anything I've said. You're further pushing me away by forcing communication, one. You're acting selfish by bringing up ultimatums and thinking in black and white, two. You have yet to give me space and calm the hell down... I'm not even going to bother to continue. We can't break up. We're not together. We're such as hell aren't married, yet you're acting like we're getting a f*cking divorce."

 

(And then I THINK he says this in this text. Either way, he says this one of the texts): You are a perfect example of why I don't want to be in a relationship with someone your age; not knowing when to step back, and look at someone else's life."

 

That morning, at 6:30AM, I replied with an even longer text. I don't remember much of it, but in the end I essentially told him he didn't have to talk to me anymore, that he didn't have to see me anymore -- that he didn't have to deal with me anymore. He doesn't reply throughout the day, but that night, I took back what I said, and in another text, I told him how sorry I was and that I was going to give him all the space he needs.

 

Thursday comes, and this is when the texts were the worst. Obviously, I wasn't getting any attention, and I was feeling really sad that day, and throughout the week, I was having thoughts of crashing myself while I was driving. But the text I was about to send was overexaggerated...

 

"I need to ask you something," I say. Then I go on to tell him how I think I'm going to be depressed and I'm scared that that's what's going to happen. "If you care, maybe you will respond to this."

 

You know what Chris sends me?

 

He sends me the suicide hotline, and in the bottom "stop talking to me." At this point, I was so upset and so shocked. I was hopeless, panicking. I was about to lose it, and HE was about to lose it, too.

 

"Are you serious?"

"I've had enough of that garbage already. When you're having f*cked up thoughts, it's time to get help. Bye."

"Don't do this to me."

"Have you heard of emotional blackmail? Your last text was a prime example, and f*ck you for subjecting me to it. I'm done."

"I am NOT blaming you for anything."

"BULLSH*T. You're blaming ME for YOUR f*cked up thoughts."

"I am NOT directly blaming YOU at all."

"Quit talking to me."

"Leave me alone."

 

And as I was trying to figure out what to say, he sees that I'm trying to type something (those dots on iMessage)...

 

"STOP."

"F*CKING STOP."

"Stop yelling at me," I pleaded.

"eat sh*t"

"i just want to know if i should move on..."

"MOVE ON. BYE."

 

I could not believe these words coming out from him. I was so appalled; it was almost as if I didn't know who I was talking to.

 

"I don't understand why you're so mad."

"Too bad."

"I'm sorry..."

 

And this last text from him reveals just about everything:

 

"Obviously you're not sorry for being a f*cking d*ckhead since you can't even go one day without f*cking pissing me the f*ck off. I ask you to not talk to me for one day, and you can't even do that! You keep telling me you'll leave me alone, but two hours later you're right back at it! You keep f*cking smothering me and blaming your emotional shortcomings on me! I CAN'T STAND YOU ANYMORE!"

 

I don't remember what I say after this, but it's not surprising that I remember what he said more than what I said. Three days pass with no contact between us. I even gave my phone and laptop to a good friend so I couldn't text Chris, but on Saturday, I got hold of someone's phone and decided to text him to no avail...

 

"*Chris?"

"Yes?

"Who's this?"

"It's *Sam (for privacy purposes on here, I changed my name). I just wanted to see how you're doing."

"How about this. I don't want to talk to you ever again. I'm done putting up with your ****."

"All I want is your permission to talk to you."

"Permission denied."

"Are you not open to any arrangements?"

"No."

"Are you going to throw away what I gave you?"

"Probably not, they're just stuff."

"I really need to give you your shirt back, and I bought you a shirt. I can't return it since the shop I got it from is all the way in LA. I don't want to throw it away or give it to someone else. Will you at least accept it?"

"I really don't want to see you right now."

(And of course, I took that as a tiny speck of hope and asks,)

"Does that mean you'll want to see me later on?"

"I don't know."

 

The conversation continues on for a little more. I was still bringing up ultimatums (i.e. if no contact is what he really wants). I said, "if you don't want to hear from me ever again, I'll keep that promise." If I remember correctly, he didn't reply, so I asked, "do you recommend I stop contacting you, or should I wait for you to come to me?" and also "is the promise on full effect now?"

 

"Apparently, it doesn't even matter what I say because in the next 24 hours, you'll try again."

 

"But it does matter what you say..."

 

"I don't know why you want me to spell it out to you. Like it matters. If you try again I'll assume you're trying to get me to cut off contact with you permanently. This includes responding to this sh*t."

 

What do I do? I respond.

 

"I just want to f*cking do it, but a part of me doesn't believe you never want to talk to me again. If I believed you, I would've stopped a long time ago."

 

No reply.

 

"Good luck with your life. I hope you do the right things. If you want to talk to me, or see me again, you know where to find me. Bye, *Chris."

 

A couple of days later, I find out he blocks me on Instagram...

 

-------------------------

 

Yes, I know I should've left the poor guy alone, and I usually do leave him alone and let him come to me. Chris is the kind of guy that can go on for days without talking to anyone. He admitted this to me back when we first started seeing each other, and that he has "sociopathic behaviors." Chris told me that he has commitment issues, too. He doesn't like anyone depending on him, family and friends included. Even though we were never official, Chris and I were, at the least, exclusively dating from May till, well, this month, and we were happy together. It's just, two weeks ago, things just turned very sh*tty, and I can't help but blame myself.

 

It has been a week since I contacted him, and the events two weeks ago seems so trivial and petty. His reactions were dramatic and childish (is it just me who think it's dramatic and childish?... I mean, seriously, shouldn't he be over it by now? I don't understand... what gives?

 

So, my dilemmas include,

 

a) is it a bad idea for me to eventually contact him?

b) if it's not, WHEN should I?

c) why is he even this upset? is he still upset?

d) did he really mean what he said about not wanting to talk to me ever again? how about not seeing me?

e) does/will he miss me? will he contact me?

 

A lot of my friends have told me to "move on." But right now, that's not what I want. Chris is not a bad person; despite not having the official title, he went from not wanting a relationship to wanting a relationship with me in a span of one month (May to June), and I saw and experience him change. I even met his dad and his dad's girlfriend last month. I've made up my mind that moving on isn't what I want; I don't see why I should because a) him and I never had a fight until this, b) I genuinely believe that once he's not mad anymore, we'll be okay again and c) him and WERE happy together...

 

Please, I need insight. I've talked to a lot of people about this; almost everyone agreed that space is what he really needs, but the issue to whether or not we will get back together is undecided. I am not one to give up, and because of how petty this seems to me, it does not make any sense why he wouldn't want me in his life anymore... Chris admitted to me that I have made him really happy and that he does really like me. He even said, "even though I don't like commitment and we're not officially together, technicalities aside, I still feel committed to you in a way..."

 

I think it's also worth mentioning that because Chris doesn't "like" commitment, I suspect he has little experience with dating and relationship. If anything, I'm willing to bet I'm the first girl to have made him react so strongly, and the first girl to somehow "change" him. In other words, I do think I impacted Chris, and because of this, him punishing me and him pushing me away is just so over my head.

 

I really do like this guy. I care for him so much, and I still want him in my life. I don't believe that he doesn't feel the same way... Like I said, in a bigger scale, what happened was so petty. It's not like I "cheated" on him, or he to me. Nothing that horrible happened.

 

So please... I need to know if this space will bring him back, or if this space/NC is a good thing. The NC is almost irrelevant to my situation because I do think he was THAT upset with me, and his anger was the ultimate factor. Isn't a week enough for him to have calmed down?

 

I'm so tempted to contact him. I just want us to be okay again.

I don't even care about my pride, or my ego. I just want us to be okay :/

Edited by littlelionheart
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OMGGGGGGGGGGGG.

 

no you shouldn't contact him.

 

omg omg omg.

 

That poor guy!!!

 

There is NO HOPE here. NO saving this...situation. You are obsessed with him and he doesn't want to deal with you and your DRAMA and seriously why do you even want a guy who CLEARLY is not interested?

 

I can't believe you sent that many texts and FORCED that many conversations and YES you were emotionally blackmailing him with that suicide sh*t. Talk about attention-seeking at ANY cost.

 

LEAVE HIM ALONE. Seriously!!

 

Seriously, seriously, seriously. Like I can't stress it enough. You look INSANE and desperate and clingy and needy and pathetic. Good god he works til 2am but you text every day asking to hang out? Take a hint! You can see the guy trying to be at least cordial (at first) about letting you down but you push and push and push and push and wow i would have lost my cool WAY before he did, I give him props for keeping it together over THAT many crazy, clingy, desperate texts.

 

girl, he is NOT interested. You have become a STORY he will tell his friends for years to come. You have become that crazy chick. Don't add to the story, PLEASE!!!!

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I think he's a p**** but you did push him. If you'd of gone at least a week without texting him the first time that might of been okay. It just looks like you're doing it all for yourself. Don't worry though I did the same thing two weeks ago, my ex dumped me and I fought for her but I was only fighting for myself, she wasn't interested.

 

Look on the bright side you can live knowing you tried, you tried too much but you tried. If he wants to come back it will depend on how much he misses you. So stay away and let him miss you, anything you do now will only push him away.

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I don't know if he'll miss you, or if he meant what he said, or any other answers to your questions except for the first one.

 

Do NOT contact him. Ever. No, a week is not enough time to cool down. With something like this I wouldn't contact for months, if ever. Please, please, please for your sake and his don't contact him. I don't know if he will miss you but you contacting him will not do ANYTHING but make him angry, as you've done several times already. Maybe he will eventually initiate contact, maybe he won't-- but do not text or call or anything.

 

I know you care about him. But honestly I think you want more than he is willing to give you. And there are plenty of guys who would be thrilled to not only be exclusive, but also have the "titles" with you, AND see you everyday. Yes, a lot of boyfriends love talking to and seeing their partners every day. Chris is not one of them.

 

I don't think I've ever seen a situation that needed NC so badly.

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He doesn't want to be with you.

 

You don't get to decide that it's not over.

 

It is. It's a carcass lying in the street. Every time you kick it (ie, by contacting him) , the flies rise from it in a cloud.

 

Doesn't make it less dead.

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This is d.o.n.e.

Completely over with.

 

Prevent yourself from contacting him ever again by any means necessary (phone contact deletion, facebook blocking, etc.). It'll benefit both of you from here on out.

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OP:

You need to figure out why you are a gaping black hole who can never be filled. If a man gave and gave, would you ever have enough? Enough attention? Enough affection? Enough drama?

He asked you to give him space, and you charged full speed ahead. I actually think he was pretty nice to you considering that you were stalking him and was completely acting like you did not care that he worked nights or that he needed time to himself. You do understand that when he was a complete ass, he was thinking you were nuts and he had to make sure you knew that he wanted boundaries between you so you would NOT contact him ever again? You were annoying in your texts, you were clingy, you were inconsiderate and you have no boundaries.

Never contact him. I felt so completely suffocated just by your post that I am going outside to make sure the world isn't caving in.

Why are you so needy, so dramatic, so unconcerned with other's feelings? Is this a pattern with other relationships? You need to focus on getting some self-esteem, learning boundaries and living your life without becoming co-dependent when you date. You need some serious self-reflection and maybe some appointments with a life coach.

Suffocating,

Grumps

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Ohh...honey, read my thread (can't link as on my tablet but it's titled "need brutal honesty", its about halfway down the first page.

 

I had similar thinking to you and was justifying my actions the same way...I behaved worse by going to see him but I think the result was the same as your situation.

 

I am finally on nc , day 4 now and the sad part is, I know the longer I stay silent for, the more relieved he will be.

But that's my fault, and mine alone.

 

Go nc , forget about him and move on.

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Little lion... I'm sorry it had to happen this way....

 

A little insight on those that are commitment phobic. They NEED Space. They NEED to feel like they have control over the relationship and create boundaries so they don't get forced into something that might hurt them. Funny thing that someone that pushes things away has needs too right?

 

What tends to happen is that those who are with them, even though they may have been healthy at the start, will feel rejected and do everything they can to confirm that they are cared for and loved by them since they suck at showing it. You are in constant fear they of being dumped... hence your neediness and insecurities. I have to say that for being "in love" with someone you did not notice this need of his even after he told you. You become the EXACT opposite of what he needs and its a self fulfilling prophecy to be rejected.

 

I assume you will not take everyones advice that it is over.. But it really will be over unless you can change yourself.

 

YOU need to be stronger and realize that you are VERY insecure and needy. YOU need to change that about yourself and if you intend to work it out with him. Also be sure to know you have to live around HIS needs more than your own. Until he wants to change for you and work with you, YOU must do all the work. If he really is a commitment phobe.. he may come back since they usually yo-yo a lot between wanting someone and then needing space. It really is a pattern but you are toxic for each other right now. I hope you can understand this much.

 

I also agree that I don't think it is healthy for you to go back knowing that he is not willing to change or work on himself.. its just he will always use that against you. You CHOSE to be with me when I warned you that I was "blank" All of this is going to be devastating to your self esteem.. It will also never go forward unless he wants it to.. so you may never be happy ever with him.

 

But if you must get back together with him please really reflect on yourself first and think of what it is like to be someone like him and what you did to him to feel this way.. You said its not a big deal.. but you have to see it from his view no matter how "not normal" it may be.

 

Read up on Avoidant attachment styles and also look into your issues to make sure you don't do this again. If you must contact him, send him snail mail. A letter expressing that you are TRULY sorry and that you see how HE feels and that you have a lot of issues too that don't work for him and you are working on it. Don't try to explain why you did "blank" etc. only apologize that you were not understanding of him and you are working on you. NO excuses. He probably won't reply but after 1 month or so... Once you have become someone that can be with someone like him and you truly think you are strong enough.. ask him for another chance. He may take it more seriously since you did wait. If you go to therapy even better for you.

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Was this your first boyfriend? It sounds like you might be new to relationships or you just may not have the best people skills. It happens. Please make a conscious effort to learn from this experience and work on self improvement because your clingy and childish behavior is the entire reason you are broken up. He was in the right to ignore you and say what he said because anybody else would have reacted the same way if not worse.

 

There might've been a shot for a great future together if you would've just respected his work schedule and his request for space. But you didn't. You told him you would but then you would harass him two hours later. So this is over. Getting back together is nearly impossible at this point.They say "never say never" but you've made yourself look like a nut job so there's absolutely nothing you can say or do to change that impression of you.

 

I highly recommend therapy and would actually suggest that you don't enter anymore relationships until after you've gotten help.

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Aw baby I just want to give you a hug.

 

I understand you.

 

I have been there...

 

I read this literally wondering if we dated the same guy...(is he a scorpio?) ha

 

anyway I'm willing to bet you rushed into physical contact with this guy and are trying to justify your actions so your allowing him to make you feel this way OR maybe you are just very insecure...although the responses here are what you need to hear some of them are a bit harsh...I behaved this exact way with a guy...twice... the second time was because i got him back but he left just as quickly and it happened again...apparently he came back cause he thought it may have been his fault but the second time confirmed i was actually just crazy...i had other men in love with me...i had eligible guys trying to get my attention but i was busy begging a guy to love me...im sure you haven't done this with every guy...im hoping...but believe me the only way this will ever get better is if you leave him alone...every text you send is pushing him further away...giving him space GENUINELY is your best bet...

 

i called this guy and texted this guy so many times i ended up with a similar response to yours and worst...it was even harder the second time because he had come back to me after this kind of behavior before...which basically told me my behavior was ok to him...it wasnt until i researched what harrasment was by my states law that i convinced myself to stop because by law he could have filed a criminal harassment lawsuit on me if he wanted to (i think...i dont know if it would've stuck) lol...when i guy makes you feel secure then promptly makes you feel insecure if you dont have a strong sense of self you can easily crumble into this mess

 

 

don't contact him...dont go NC thinking he'll come back..you have made the relationship toxic...he might actually be scared of you right now...i know this is like talking to a wall because you have probably already texted him...but you will regret that too...you just have to let the pain hit ..be sad...cry...just let it hurt until it starts to fade...you need to go nc...but for you...maybe even delete all your profiles and just focus on you...so that he couldnt contact you or see what you were up to even if he wanted to ...dont contact..let him contact you...If it was ever real...he will...he said those things to you because he genuinely wanted you to leave him alone...people cant just turn off there thoughts so im sure he still thinks of you...probably a lot...but those thoughts are all clouded by the way you behaved...give him room to un cloud them and maybe he will remember why he liked you...

 

or maybe not.

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Did you read my thread OP?

 

We started off back in April, at that time he was saying he loved me, talked about moving in together, saying I made him feel things he hadnt before..all this amazing stuff about how different and special I was...then I went a bit crazy on him and started pushing him away, all the while he kept coming back saying I was worth it, he wasn't going to give up etc.

 

He did finally finish it but used the excuse that he wasn't emotionally ready for a relationship due to past hurt, told me he was confused about his feelings for me and that he needed two weeks to make sure they were genuine...I never gave him the space.

 

About three times now he has asked for two weeks no contact to think and calm down...I have never given it and towards the end last week I was just going to his place all the time.

 

The last time I saw him was last weds and he said I had killed all feelings he had for me...as he just needed a couple of weeks space and we might have had a chance. He said there is no chance for even friendship...then as I was about to leave I asked if he might come and see me in future and he kept telling me to go...I kept asking for a genuine answer and he said "leave me alone for 4 weeks and I will come and see you".

That made me realise just what I'd done to him, he was so desperate to get rid of me that he had to lie about visiting!

 

Please don't make the same mistake as me...leave your ex alone and move on. If its meant to be it will be, but please don't try and force it.

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