helenamc Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 (edited) I have been seeing a man for well over a year now. I am the married one. I truly love this man. I did meet him while I was married and was having an affair with him briefly but my marriage was already over and I had every intention of leaving my husband before I met him. I have separated from my husband 6 months ago but we are not divorced or even close to being for this can be a long process. I am deeply in love with my OM. He has told me in so many words that he does not trust me and has told me he is afraid of being hurt or hints around that I am still involved with my husband. I only want to be with him. I was wondering if anyone who is an OM can help me understand and provide insight to what he may be feeling. I get scared sometimes that he is just using me. I know there are men who target married women specifically to avoid commitment but I am giving him the benefit of the doubt that he is genuine. I feel I have done almost everything he has asked but there are some things that are out of my control or I need to tread lightly. For example, I cannot let my husband know I have a boyfriend. It would create too much drama that could be detrimental for me and him. I already have so many changes and adjustments in my life which causes me great anxiety and I think I will lose it if I have this kind of drama on top of everything. I just want a smooth transition and when the papers are signed I will be open with it. How can I prove to him this is not an excuse? I love him so much and want to let him know this and that he can trust me certain things I just need caution. Edited October 13, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 I have been seeing a man for well over a year now. I am the married one. I truly love this man. I did meet him while I was married and was having an affair with him briefly but my marriage was already over and I had every intention of leaving my husband before I met him. I have separated from my husband 6 months ago but we are not divorced or even close to being for this can be a long process. There's separated, and then there's separated with both parties with intention of divorcing. Big difference. It's good you left your husband though... What do you mean by not close to being divorced yet? Do you two have kids to consider? Or is he dragging his feet? I take it too, you two are not living together anymore? If you are living together, then I can understand why your OM is feeling like he can't trust you. I am deeply in love with my OM. He has told me in so many words that he does not trust me and has told me he is afraid of being hurt or hints around that I am still involved with my husband. Because you cheated on your husband, had an affair with OM, the OM is concerned that one day you'll cheat on him. Cheating brings mistrust....Put yourself in his shoes. And, you're not close to being divorced yet so he has fears that you'll change your mind and go back to your husband. For example, I cannot let my husband know I have a boyfriend. It would create too much drama that could be detrimental for me and him. I already have so many changes and adjustments in my life which causes me great anxiety and I think I will lose it if I have this kind of drama on top of everything. I just want a smooth transition and when the papers are signed I will be open with it. How can I prove to him this is not an excuse? I love him so much and want to let him know this and that he can trust me certain things I just need caution. Why detrimental? Why not just be honest with your H? Are you fearful that you won't get spousal support if he knows there's someone else? All you can do is be an open book to your OM and hope he in time, trusts you. Whether or not he is there once you're divorced shouldn't matter (though you'll be sad) because you are divorcing REGARDLESS if he is waiting or not. Right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author helenamc Posted October 13, 2013 Author Share Posted October 13, 2013 I am not living with my ex and yes I have children that I need to protect. My ex is not happy about the pending divorce and would make my life hell and I mean pure hell. Right now things are fairly smooth and I am just waiting for the storm. Honestly, my ex is not really mature and I am concerned for the safety of my boyfriend. I am afraid that he would do something really bad just out of spite. I am trying to protect my children as best I can as this is already difficult for them. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 I am not living with my ex and yes I have children that I need to protect. My ex is not happy about the pending divorce and would make my life hell and I mean pure hell. Right now things are fairly smooth and I am just waiting for the storm. Honestly, my ex is not really mature and I am concerned for the safety of my boyfriend. I am afraid that he would do something really bad just out of spite. I am trying to protect my children as best I can as this is already difficult for them. Your OM knows all this too? About your (ex)H? Your OM could be kind of concerned too about being a step father to your kids (eventually), and also, he may want to have his own kids some day. Are you willing to have more? Sorry to say, maybe the reality of it being 'real' freaks him out a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author helenamc Posted October 13, 2013 Author Share Posted October 13, 2013 All you can do is be an open book to your OM and hope he in time, trusts you. Whether or not he is there once you're divorced shouldn't matter (though you'll be sad) because you are divorcing REGARDLESS if he is waiting or not. Right? Sometimes I don't know if I would have had the strength if I didn't meet him. I had every intention of leaving before I met him I was just waiting until I got my ducks in a row but I think he definitely made me act sooner than I thought I would. I am not going to lie, I will be devastated if he leaves me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author helenamc Posted October 13, 2013 Author Share Posted October 13, 2013 Your OM knows all this too? About your (ex)H? Your OM could be kind of concerned too about being a step father to your kids (eventually), and also, he may want to have his own kids some day. Are you willing to have more? Sorry to say, maybe the reality of it being 'real' freaks him out a bit. I was worried about that but it doesn't bother him at all. We have talked about it. If anything it freaks me out to be a stepmother and walk into his drama but I think it might be worth it. I am not thinking that far ahead anyway. I want to be on my own for a little while, I don't want to walk some man into my kids lives until I know for sure its the real thing. I think it is hard for him to understand but there is no room for discussion on that. My kids come first above anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author helenamc Posted October 13, 2013 Author Share Posted October 13, 2013 Your OM is getting cold feet. Most of the time they don't leave. He is starting to make excuses. You need to figure out why you fall for insecure men like your husband and OM. By the way the correct term in the forum when dating a married man is OM or MM. A BF would be a single man. Thank you for correcting my terminology. Do you think he is getting cold feet? I can understand if he is. This is why I needed advice. I don't want to put all this effort into this when I have so much going on if this relationship means nothing. I would be better cutting it off before I get more invested. I am leary about going from one person who isn't invested to another similar situation. If I wanted to be with someone who isn't invested why would I divorce my husband. I am at a point where as much I really do love him, I have realized that it needs to be reciprocal for it work. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 I was worried about that but it doesn't bother him at all. We have talked about it. If anything it freaks me out to be a stepmother and walk into his drama but I think it might be worth it. I am not thinking that far ahead anyway. I want to be on my own for a little while, I don't want to walk some man into my kids lives until I know for sure its the real thing. I think it is hard for him to understand but there is no room for discussion on that. My kids come first above anyone. So is your 'other man' a MM (married man) or separated/divorced with kids? You say his drama and mention step mom so I assume he does have children as well. Blended families can work, though complicated at times. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author helenamc Posted October 13, 2013 Author Share Posted October 13, 2013 In this forum the overwhelming majority of OMs are not invested even when they say they are. Almost all of them stay with wife. Many throw the OW under the bus when there a d day. Did you have a d day with OM? Is OM still hiding the affair with you from his wife? I apologize I am all screwed up with the terminology. He is single. Now I am questioning if I posted in the right category. I noticed this one was for people who are the "other man or woman" so I thought if I could get insight from them to help me understand what they may be feeling being in a relationship with a married person it would help me see his point of view because he is really insecure about it and I don't want him to be because I do love him and want to be with him. , Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 I think you should prepare yourself for the possibility that this won't work out. There are many men out there that will cheat with you, but later end up using your cheating against you. He is already saying he doesn't trust you, and I think he is warning you that he may not see you as relationship material. A lot of people view cheating as a character weakness. He knows what you are capable of, and male pride & ego won't allow him to let his guard down. Be prepared that he may see you as FWB, and not as a wife or committed partner. You are facing the end of your marriage. Your kids need you. They should be your focus, as their world as they knew it is changing. Focus on them, they need your full attention during this difficult time. If it ends up working out, great, but don't bank on it. If it ends, you will be OK. Be strong for your kids. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 What would he be using you for? How long ago was the divorce filed/served? Did you file? How long until it's final? Link to post Share on other sites
Author helenamc Posted October 13, 2013 Author Share Posted October 13, 2013 Thanks for all the advice. I kind of feel in my heart he is not being truthful and using trust issues and all that bull to back out but still maintain some sort of FWB situation. I am all set with that. I think I am just going to end it. I don't need this emotional stress in my life. I have lived for many years with emotional stress and I am finally free. I am going to have a really rough time getting over this but I will find someone in my life who loves me because I am worth it. I am in no rush. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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