Seperation...a month. It's tough.

[PlentyLV007]

I'll try to make this as short as possible:

My husband (33) and I (33) of six years have been separated for about a month now. My decision to separate was based on lies on his part and on my part needing time for what I thought I'd use to evaluate forgiveness, understanding and acceptance.

 

PROBLEM: He lied to me about who he really was (not being himself) because he was afraid I wouldn't love him for who he really was. We met online, were engaged after a year and married. When I met him we were on the same page, career wise, goal wise, and love wise. What I mean that he wasn't himself, well he never liked doing the things I liked but he did them anyways telling me he did so we can be together. I'm very social and outgoing. He isn't but pretended to be for me. All that changed after he started resenting me due to my career changes and financial transition from healthcare to gaming. About four years I found myself changing my career due to my passion in video games and starting school for Computer science in the gaming industry. I graduated this year and have been working in the gaming industry for about a year and a half. He stopped going out with me and was always angry when it was time to be social with my new co-workers in the gaming industry. Long story short, he started showing his true self which was resenting me for living the dream that came with long hours and no time for him and as to where he wasn't happy with his current job. Not only was he not happy with his current job, he wasn't happy with me not being home, or me not making enough money, or me not helping us meet our financial goals. I was always emotionally supportive and tried re-assuring him that if he wasn't happy to leave his job and look for another job. His response was, I can't because I wouldn't be able to take care of both of us. My response was, how will we know if we don't try. We can take care of each other. When I wasn't working, I tried being with him and also having a social life at the same time. It didn't matter how I tried to reassure him. My husband doesn't work well with words, only numbers. What I mean by that is that he's always had anxiety over financial situations. It's a good and bad thing as I've never been that way. FACT: We had no financial problems or lack of funds. We HAD accounts together but what stressed him out was knowing that the loans were coming and he felt unable to do what he wanted to do with his income since he felt we both depended on his income, which...we didn't. I didn't work over 60 hours a week sometimes for nothing. I changed a lot financially to show him that he didn't need to worry about me. Started buying clothes at the goodwill, started sharing meals when we went out, started going to the $3.00 movie nights instead of paying full price. I was happy...but it didn't matter. He just wasn't happy which then reflected to us not being happy.

 

ATTEMPT for RESOLUTION: We went to therapy together and found out he has anxiety issues with social situations and money. Also learning he lied to me about him being social when he doesn't. Doesn't like work social events because he feels he has to please everybody else. He's gone his whole life pleasing other people before himself. We tried to remedy that with herbal medication prescribed but his confidence and insecurities took over and distance started appearing for both of us. Things at work for me got better and things at home got worse. I started working a lot more, going to a lot more work social events and he was just angry because I was never home. I understood where he was coming from and he also felt that I was choosing my job over him. I knew that if I changed my career back to an 8-5 so he can be a happy husband, I'd resent him. He had told me that he didn't realize that me transitioning over to this career would take a total hit on him to where he would resent me. My feelings started shifting and I still couldn't get over the betrayal of him not being honest with me about himself which everything else just piled on me.

 

SEPERATION: I knew that in order to help us get past this and evolve I had to forgive him and learn about this person I'm with. The only way I know how to do that is to be on my own without him feeling like he is walking on egg shells around me as I him still being angry. When we agreed to separate my husband immediately researched how to get off my one school loan we have together and also researched Annulment. I took that very hard since I wasn't even out of the house yet. I felt like a burden. So, I moved out and since he was stressed out financially visually just seeing my school loans, I made an account for myself and transitioned all my school loans, bills that we currently split in half to myself. We still went to therapy an told our therapist about our plan and she was dumbfounded and told my husband that it didn't look good. We still chose to stick with her and see her while being separated. When approaching our therapy session he suggested to cancel it and just have a date night. That night didn't go well since he said he felt relieved and was less stressed without me around. I cried and he said that he thought it would be me being happy in my own space but it was him. He said he know feels he can financially feel less stressed and do things he wanted to do without worrying about "can we go to dinner?, or can we go out of town". AGAIN: we weren't paying loans yet. I brought up therapy and he stated that he didn't feel that going once a month was benefiting us so he said he didn't feel he needed to go. When I tell him how I felt like I was a burden he said he understands why I'd see it that way but that isn't the way he saw me. Everything we did financially we both agreed on before it was even done. Now he claims the mistake was putting our accounts together. Him thinking he could manage but he couldn't. He rather just track his own things and it would help him not be financially stressed. Mind you, I never asked him to set up my student loan records and track them. I was thankful he did since I was working and going to school when he started doing so. But repeatedly advised him that he didn't need to. He said that I never appreciated how he tracked our finances. Which I thought he would see I did since I changed to accommodate our new salary changes due to my career change. Note: I don't make much just starting as Jr. Quality Engineer Technician/QA Tester.

 

CURRENTLY: I'm currently feeling low as the ground and in my mind I keep repeating over and over what I did wrong. I'm hurt, angry, frustrated and he tells me he misses me and just wants me home. I'm having a hard time seeing him the same and he's afraid of loosing me. I don't think I can manage being with someone that will always financially have anxiety and unrealistic goals based on a salary that we didn't make. I was happy just having what we had but he wants something that I financially can't give him based on my salary. The worse part is that I left to understand, forgive and accept while I'm realizing his emotional impact was financial and our goals changing based on my career dream. I always felt like I was holding us back for our goals which at the time was a house and maybe kids. Then my career changed all that. I thought he'd be happy and proud of me. Instead he resented me for pushing us back from our goal. I'm still choosing to see my therapist on my own and work on myself. I'm currently working on myself and not thinking about him since he is fine and I'm having the hardest time. I cry a lot but try to keep myself busy. My mom has been my rock. She says that she didn't think that this would happen to us and that how could I ever see him the same if I can't rely on him now when I need him the most. I keep telling myself maybe once I'm on my feet and stable I can see him like I use to. I see him now, and I feel horrible. Last time I saw him, he gave me a bill from the school loan and said "Are you going to be able to pay that!?" We were suppose to go out to a car show and when I saw the bill I told him that I couldn't go based on income and having to pay the loans now. He didn't understand why I was upset or crying. I did everything he asked and I hesitated to combine accounts a year after our marriage. He said he wanted to feel like one...and so it was done and now...I don't feel like we're one.

 

ADVICE: I'm looking for anything really.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know it was a long one.

[Mr. Lucky]

Confused about a couple of things:

Long story short, he started showing his true self which was resenting me for living the dream that came with long hours and no time for him

Why would you expect him to be happy with that scenario?

Also learning he lied to me about him being social when he doesn't.

How does someone lie to you about being "social"? In other words, didn't you make your own assessment based on watching his interactions with other people? I could lie to a prospective mate about being a good dancer but the first time we went to a club, the jig would be up ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[PlentyLV007]

Mr. Lucky

I don't expect him to be happy about me working so much. Although I did expect his support and understanding based on my goals career wise and him acknowledging that occasionally I'll be working 60+ hours a week. I constantly reminded him that it was temporary. I made the best attempt to be with him when I came home and when I had the weekend off.

 

I did make my own assessment on the social part and when we first met, he had more friends, was more social with his co-workers, his best friend, our friends from church. Then that changed. He stopped and when I asked why he said, well...we got married and I felt that I needed to spend all my time with you when you weren't working and doing school. I had never asked him to make sure he was home when I was done working or to make sure to spend all his time with me. He wanted to, yet he states that he thought it was expected of him to be by my side constantly when possible.

 

He did spend all his free time with me, my family and my friends. I felt that he needed him time with his friends and he stated that he doesn't feel like hanging out with them anymore. Then he started stating the he didn't like hanging out with my friends anymore based on the conversations we have and he stopped going. Then I stopped, then we started looking for other people to hang out with and then he just stopped.