andrew dice38 Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 Hello love shack, I have a problem and I was wondering if you could help me with it. I am a young man (early twenties), and I have no girlfriend and never have. I've never been touched by a woman. I'm on the taller side of things, I work out, and am a non smoker. Yet whenever I try to approach or engage with women they seem revolted that I would even look at them. I have no idea why. In fact, this happens with more than just women, people in general seem to steer clear of me whenever they can. I can't understand this, I mean I'm not creepy or anything. Theres been some difficulties in my family life recently, and that has added to my on going battle with depression, maybe I'm projecting that and thats what they're picking up on. Whatever it is, I'm sick of it. I've begun to worry that I'm asexual, and I have no friends anymore and no romance and no drive. Please help, I want to change but I don't know what to do Link to post Share on other sites
Beast_117 Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 Im 21 and in the same boat man. Link to post Share on other sites
StalwartMind Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 I don't know where you live, but that people actually steer clear of you sounds rather unpleasant and rude. I was going to tell you that you must be around the wrong kind of people, as it wouldn't happen where I live or for the matter any place I ever recall having been to. If you are not doing anything disrespectful out of the norm, then you should comfort yourself with the fact, that it's not you. I'm a pretty calm guy myself out and about, decent height at 6'1 and that doesn't seem to scare people away, in fact last time i was at the post office, I felt like some kind of comfort pillar that people insisted on standing next to while waiting for their number to be called. A lady even turned around and asked me something, despite i was just minding my own business and waiting patiently. I'd feel like an ******* if I treated anyone like people seem to do to you, especially if you are not doing anything out of the ordinary. So you best cheer up bud and don't take it too personally, it sounds like you are being rather unlucky. In regards to not having been touched, had a girlfriend and so on, well some people are late bloomers, and to be honest, a lot of people don't start opening their eyes for many "real" qualities people have until they round their 30s, granted I'm not saying things should take that long before you finally have your first intimate encounter. I'm pretty sure the actor Will Smith wasn't very lucky with the ladies till his mid 20s, but truthfully don't be too harsh on yourself, and pursue something that gives your life meaning, you never know when you'll run into someone whom will notice you and value you. Link to post Share on other sites
Disillusioned Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 I don't like to be touched. It's not an ethnic thing, it's just the way I am. Link to post Share on other sites
Col1 Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 Yet whenever I try to approach or engage with women they seem revolted that I would even look at them. I have no idea why. I think it could just be your perception, not reality. You could ask an acquaintance (or even a complete stranger) to give you basic feedback on your nonverbal cues, clothing, hair style, odor, breath, mannerisms, etc. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
reddragon588 Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 Yet whenever I try to approach or engage with women they seem revolted that I would even look at them. I have no idea why. In fact, this happens with more than just women A lot of this is perception. You might be projecting your fears onto them and reading them that way. Link to post Share on other sites
positive progressive Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 I don't like to be touched. It's not an ethnic thing, it's just the way I am. I can understand that, I've got a few co workers that are the same way. I'm not really possessive about personal space, but I'm unsure where the line between comfortable and creepy is. Link to post Share on other sites
positive progressive Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 A lot of this is perception. You might be projecting your fears onto them and reading them that way. This is possible. I mentioned a lot of family issues that have happened recently that really messed me up. Then combine that with my inexperience with women, which is obviously bothering me. What's a good way to change this projection? I think the best way would be more experience, but without jumping the gun how can I change today? Link to post Share on other sites
reddragon588 Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 This is possible. I mentioned a lot of family issues that have happened recently that really messed me up. Then combine that with my inexperience with women, which is obviously bothering me. What's a good way to change this projection? I think the best way would be more experience, but without jumping the gun how can I change today? Work on your self-confidence. Next time you're at a social function of any type, make it a goal to talk to at least 5 women for at least 5 minutes. Keep doing this. You have to confront your fears head on. Link to post Share on other sites
Disillusioned Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 I can understand that, I've got a few co workers that are the same way. I'm not really possessive about personal space, but I'm unsure where the line between comfortable and creepy is. Well to me it's not so much creepy as it is annoying... understand that when I was a boy, most of the other boys liked to touch things and break them. I never knew why they were like this, but for God's sake I know what a lot of things felt like without having to put my mitts on them. Link to post Share on other sites
Eggplant Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 Go talk to a counselor. They can act as a mirror. We online don't see you or know how you are. Somebody has to show you a mirror so you can fix whatever it is. It may be that your insecurity shows through and makes people anxious. But again, I can't know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author andrew dice38 Posted October 23, 2013 Author Share Posted October 23, 2013 Hey yall, I know it's been a while but I did some follow-up on the advice posted here and I wanted to keep you updated. Go talk to a counselor. They can act as a mirror. We online don't see you or know how you are. Somebody has to show you a mirror so you can fix whatever it is. It may be that your insecurity shows through and makes people anxious. But again, I can't know. I found an affordable counselor to talk to. She also has a lot of positive reviews on PsycToday.com. We've met twice now, and talked a lot about my family issues, as well as some about my insecurities and dreams for the future. She says I'm a good person, which is probably why I'm being a martyr for my family. That was her idea, it never occurred to me before but it makes sense. She thinks they're the ones who trigger my moods and sense of hopelessness. But she honestly told me that she didn't get a sense of anxiety or uncomfort around me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author andrew dice38 Posted October 23, 2013 Author Share Posted October 23, 2013 I think it could just be your perception, not reality. You could ask an acquaintance (or even a complete stranger) to give you basic feedback on your nonverbal cues, clothing, hair style, odor, breath, mannerisms, etc. I asked the counselor about this too. She told me I look good, I'm not sure she's referring to asthetics or intentions. She also said I'm a sharp dresser hehe. I was perplexed when she said this, so I asked her for specifics and she said my clothes fit my body type well. Long sleeves, long shirts that weren't too loose, and I looked comfortable in my jeans. She said my mannerisms during our conversations were usually calm, straight face and low even voice, that sort of thing, except when it was a point I was passionate about, then my voice would raise a decibel, used my hands for emphasis, and sometimes slur my words. Link to post Share on other sites
Author andrew dice38 Posted October 23, 2013 Author Share Posted October 23, 2013 Work on your self-confidence. Next time you're at a social function of any type, make it a goal to talk to at least 5 women for at least 5 minutes. Keep doing this. You have to confront your fears head on. I work really late so I don't go to a lot of social functions anymore. STILL, I have been trying cold approaches on the street for a week now, and it is HARD. Most of the time they quickly apologize and say they have somewhere they have to go, which could be true and it could not, who knows. With the few that have worked out, we chat for a little bit, I tell them a story about when I was trapped in a dumpster, which always gets a laugh, then I compliment them on something they are wearing, then ussually there's an awkward 3 second silence and they say, "well it was nice talking to you," and go. Pretty sure I haven't hit 2 minutes yet. I've also tried talking to customers around work more, which is a lot easier because I just ask them if they need help and then can follow-up with a suggestion for their next meal. We can chat about that for a while, but it never progresses to anything "dateable". I think the status of a grocer is a huge turn-off to women. Is there anything mentally I can do to make these approaches more successful? Link to post Share on other sites
reddragon588 Posted October 23, 2013 Share Posted October 23, 2013 I work really late so I don't go to a lot of social functions anymore. STILL, I have been trying cold approaches on the street for a week now, and it is HARD. Most of the time they quickly apologize and say they have somewhere they have to go, which could be true and it could not, who knows. With the few that have worked out, we chat for a little bit, I tell them a story about when I was trapped in a dumpster, which always gets a laugh, then I compliment them on something they are wearing, then ussually there's an awkward 3 second silence and they say, "well it was nice talking to you," and go. Pretty sure I haven't hit 2 minutes yet. I've also tried talking to customers around work more, which is a lot easier because I just ask them if they need help and then can follow-up with a suggestion for their next meal. We can chat about that for a while, but it never progresses to anything "dateable". I think the status of a grocer is a huge turn-off to women. Is there anything mentally I can do to make these approaches more successful? Yes, definitely work on it at work! You don't have to ask these women out, you just need to talk to them! Link to post Share on other sites
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