Which betrayal would be worse?

[Criticality]

Wasn't sure where to put this, but I'll go with here, just because it deals with hypothetical cheating!

 

Let's assume your partner had sex with someone else... Just one time.

 

What would make the betrayal worse, and what would you have a harder time getting over....

 

If it was just sex, say a one nightstand, influenced by alcohol?

 

Or if your spouse had genuine feelings for the person he/she cheated with? If it was more than just physical attraction, but he/she was in love to whatever extent, with the person he/she had sex with one time?

[dichotomy]

I don't know...Perhaps a ONS in a moment of weakness, with someone not close to them, and there was deep disgust and shame and full NC the morning after - it would be to me less worse than a deeper emotional affair and need. Like at some out of state convention or something....

 

But how often does this happen - this narrow of a PA? Usually the ONS is with some they know and their are some feelings with and there are issues with NC or some feelings of lingering attraction.

 

and we are only talking how much it would hurt and endanger the marriage - not that it would not.

Edited October 13, 2013 by dichotomy

[Eternal Sunshine]

I don't even think in terms of what is worse. I don't have any grey areas when it comes to infidelity.

 

Either of those would make me end the relationship immediately and permanently.

[KathyM]

The affair with the woman he had feelings for would be worse, because not only would he be giving her his body, he would also be giving her his heart, which he had promised to me.

[Criticality]

Yeah, on one hand I'm kinda torn here, cause if its just sex, its just sex, right? You'd think that'd be easier to get over.

 

But on the other hand, if its just sex, that kinda makes it even more thoughtless. At least if there were genuine feelings for the other person, it makes it more understandable, no? Your spouse being torn between two people he cares for, and so on.

 

The affair with the woman he had feelings for would be worse, because not only would he be giving her his body, he would also be giving her his heart, which he had promised to me.

 

Hmmm... So what if its an emotional affair? Would that hurt you more, and be harder to get over than a single night of losing your head?

[youngone]

In my ex it was the sex that was most painful to me.

 

Could never get over the imagery.

[JamesM]

If it were my wife, then the sex would be the toughest part to get over even if it was a night stand.

 

If it were me, then my wife would agree with Kathy and say that giving my heart to another would be more painful.

 

Neither would be easy for either of us, but our take would be different on which is the worst.

 

From my reading here and other sites, it seems to be somewhat a general thing for men and women. Men tend to find cheating by sex more painful than cheating by emotions. Women tend to find the reverse to be true.

[nescafe1982]

An emotional connection is 100x worse that plain old sex in my opinion. I've dealt with both (not in marriages but LTRs), and the one where he was in a concomitant emotional affair was so, so much worse.

 

But either scenario would end the relationship.

[HokeyReligions]

I don't even think in terms of what is worse. I don't have any grey areas when it comes to infidelity.

 

Either of those would make me end the relationship immediately and permanently.

 

I'm with ES on this. Either way I'm devastated and its over. I do think that for my husband a ONS sex only would torment him more because he would feel he hurt me for something so stupid and something he had more control over. Whereas if he developed feelings for someone else and cheated it would hurt him to hurt me but he would also have someone to turn to and would console him. And as hurt and bitter as I might be I hope that I could let go and let him be happy. I dunno if that's realistic tho.

[todreaminblue]

Wasn't sure where to put this, but I'll go with here, just because it deals with hypothetical cheating!

 

Let's assume your partner had sex with someone else... Just one time.

 

What would make the betrayal worse, and what would you have a harder time getting over....

 

If it was just sex, say a one nightstand, influenced by alcohol?

 

Or if your spouse had genuine feelings for the person he/she cheated with? If it was more than just physical attraction, but he/she was in love to whatever extent, with the person he/she had sex with one time?

 

 

 

no cheating is worse than the other...betrayal is betrayal...if you truly love someone you dont betray them

 

 

you dont go drinking by yourself or with the girls or with the boys wihtout your partner and put yourself in situations where you would cheat...in my opinion..to me its a pre emptive strike....against betraying someone in a stuffed up moment of stupidity also a pre emptive strike against developing feelings for someone when you are with someone already..deb

Edited October 15, 2013 by todreaminblue

[crederer]

Emotional is worse because it isn't likely to ever leave. If it was just sex, it sucks and it is a tremendous blow to the ego but less emotionally exhausting. Either way, it's time to stick a fork in it.

[janedoe67]

I don't think this is a question for which there is a definitive answer. I think it would depend on the person, along with so many other things. It is like asking which hurts worse, being burned or 1,000 cuts? I wouldn't want either.

[2sure]

If it was a ONS, like after a drunken stag and he was mortified and didn't usually get drunk...It wouldn't be a deal breaker. Id do something terrible to him that he would regret for the rest of his life . But I'd get over it.

 

If I had any reason to think a repeat was possible , I'd leave. And take everything he owned. Trust me on that one.

[bubbaganoosh]

Having an affair is a deal breaker to me. Now I was married twice and both wives knew what I wanted in a relationship. Two things. Don't lie to me and don't cheat on me.

 

If she has something on her mind that I'm doing something to make her angry, tell me, I'm not a mind reader and just sitting there and doing a slow burn for weeks and months and not saying anything, then I will continue to get her pissed until I know what it is that I'm doing wrong. Once I know then it's up to me to correct it. Same thing for her. If there's something she's doing, talk about it and resolve it.

 

If she doesn't want to be with me any longer, then end it. will I be hurt? Yes. Will I be angry? Yes, but somewhere down the road if run into her I can still respect her for coming to me and being honest about it. I would do the same and I think everyone knows that it's not an easy thing to tell someone that you don't love them any longer and it will hurt like hell but not anywhere near the hurt if you find out he/she is cheating and you here it through the grapevine. If that happens, there is no room for discussion and I don't want to here how "it just happened", or "I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing". It's over and it's final and time to move on.

[underwater2010]

From experience...I would have preferred a ONS. Its over and done with...no emotions or long term connection.

[hollyhillcourt]

I couldn't handle either, I am very territorial. But I am also not a BS, do not have children, and have not lived the other side of the equation. I imagine both scenarios suck for the reasons preciously given.

 

The only frame a reference I have is my career bc that is one of the most important things in my life bc I did it by and for myself. I had a friend who betrayed me in a work scenario, divulged information that was hurtful and was kept secret from me for four months. When I found out, I cut her out. Eventualy I did forgive but the friendship has never been the same. I read a lot Into everything she says and question her judgement.

[Amy2013]

I'm kind of in the middle of this right now. My husband has admitted to an emotional affair. He has feelings for another woman, but it hasn't gotten physical (so he says, but my red flags are telling me to dig deeper).

 

Honestly, I think I could handle it easier if he said "I got drunk and did something so stupid". The fact that he has feelings are harder to deal with for me. You can't shut feelings off. A drunk one night stand you can.

 

That being said, I would be (and am) broken hearted over any form of infidelity.

[samsungxoxo]

Anything that has to do with sex with someone else or other sexual contact. I don't care too much about the emotional ''I like her more than you'' part but him getting physical with other woman is a big deal.

 

With sex or other sexual acts, the man isn't only hurting me but putting my health at risk of contacting an STD. It means he didn't care whether I live or die.

 

I don't care too much about his emotions for another girl. My health comes first. Therefore physical cheating is definitely worse then emotional cheating to me. I don't understand those other women thinking emotional cheating is worse.

[samsungxoxo]

Both would be bad.

 

If a guy physically cheated I would never be able to have sex with him again. Because every time he'd put his dick in me I would imagine him doing it with another girl and enjoying it because she is so new.

 

If it is emotionally cheating I wouldn't have such severe images but I would never be able to fully trust again.

 

I also do not think men really ever feel remorse for cheating. They say and act like they do so they can keep the woman who takes care of them and helps their heart. They like the best of both worlds. Most men that cheat I think secretly love the memories of sex with a new woman- one night stand or not. I recall reading an article saying its really common for men to fantasize about their ONS/affair partner when having sex with their wife after she decides to stay with him. Uck.

Exactly

I'm also visual for a woman and the sex part would be impossible for me to get over it. Plus how would I know I'm not infected with an STD??

[samsungxoxo]

If it were my wife, then the sex would be the toughest part to get over even if it was a night stand.

 

If it were me, then my wife would agree with Kathy and say that giving my heart to another would be more painful.

 

Neither would be easy for either of us, but our take would be different on which is the worst.

 

From my reading here and other sites, it seems to be somewhat a general thing for men and women. Men tend to find cheating by sex more painful than cheating by emotions. Women tend to find the reverse to be true.

Not in my case. As a woman, I would be extremely concern about getting infected with an STD than a ''but do you love her more than me'' bs.

 

I find sex or any sexual/romantic acts very intimate and private. If he shares that with someone else, I'm not ever getting over it.

[KathyM]

Yeah, on one hand I'm kinda torn here, cause if its just sex, its just sex, right? You'd think that'd be easier to get over.

 

But on the other hand, if its just sex, that kinda makes it even more thoughtless. At least if there were genuine feelings for the other person, it makes it more understandable, no? Your spouse being torn between two people he cares for, and so on.

 

 

 

Hmmm... So what if its an emotional affair? Would that hurt you more, and be harder to get over than a single night of losing your head?

I can't really answer that, since both would be devastating in their own way.

[Nyla]

Wasn't sure where to put this, but I'll go with here, just because it deals with hypothetical cheating!

 

Let's assume your partner had sex with someone else... Just one time.

 

What would make the betrayal worse, and what would you have a harder time getting over....

 

If it was just sex, say a one nightstand, influenced by alcohol?

 

Or if your spouse had genuine feelings for the person he/she cheated with? If it was more than just physical attraction, but he/she was in love to whatever extent, with the person he/she had sex with one time?

 

I'm not sure I understand. The spouse in the second example would be "in love" with someone they had slept with just once? Do you mean like there was an emotional affair which led to sex?

 

I couldn't forgive either indiscretion.

[vik1990]

Wasn't sure where to put this, but I'll go with here, just because it deals with hypothetical cheating!

 

Let's assume your partner had sex with someone else... Just one time.

 

What would make the betrayal worse, and what would you have a harder time getting over....

 

If it was just sex, say a one nightstand, influenced by alcohol?

 

Or if your spouse had genuine feelings for the person he/she cheated with? If it was more than just physical attraction, but he/she was in love to whatever extent, with the person he/she had sex with one time?

I'm a forgiving person. But that depends on the attitude of the other person too. If the spouse is genuinely apologetic, I'll forgive her, and in turn actually love her even more. But there is a dark side to this as well, if I'm not happy with their attitude, I won't contact them for the rest of my life, I'm serious, I've done it before with friends.

 

But to answer the actual question, I think definitely it would be worse if she had feelings for this other person she had sex with. Anybody could so something stupid under the influence of alcohol and spur of the moment.

 

Anyways, please answer mine, for one last time. Thanks

[cocorico]

Wasn't sure where to put this, but I'll go with here, just because it deals with hypothetical cheating!

 

Let's assume your partner had sex with someone else... Just one time.

 

What would make the betrayal worse, and what would you have a harder time getting over....

 

If it was just sex, say a one nightstand, influenced by alcohol?

 

Or if your spouse had genuine feelings for the person he/she cheated with? If it was more than just physical attraction, but he/she was in love to whatever extent, with the person he/she had sex with one time?

 

For me, the drunken ONS would be worse.

 

If he genuinely (felt he) loved someone, and was acting on that, I'd understand that. I wouldn't feel threatened by it, but it would prompt discussions about how that R related to our M, given how strongly monogamous he is.

 

Whereas if he got ratted and just took advantage of a passing opportunity, I'd feel uncomfortable about that. It would raise questions about his level of self-control, it would be very out of character (he is not an impulsive person, and highly risk-averse) which would make me wonder what was going on emotionally and why he was unable to discuss this with me, which in turn would raise serious questions about the health of our M. Plus, depending on the detail of the situation (was she drunk? A dog? Did she have expectations beyond the ONS?) there may be additional "aggravating factors" that I may find more difficult to accept.

[SimplyMeee]

Wasn't sure where to put this, but I'll go with here, just because it deals with hypothetical cheating!

 

Let's assume your partner had sex with someone else... Just one time.

 

What would make the betrayal worse, and what would you have a harder time getting over....

 

If it was just sex, say a one nightstand, influenced by alcohol?

 

Or if your spouse had genuine feelings for the person he/she cheated with? If it was more than just physical attraction, but he/she was in love to whatever extent, with the person he/she had sex with one time?

 

If it was a drunken ONS, I would be wholly disgusted with their character (and be kicking myself for getting involved with someone like that, surely the red flags were there)... but the other would be more emotionally damaging by far. If it was LOVE , emotional attachment to another person he/she cheated with, I would be feel like being kicked in the stomach repeatedly, sucking the life out of you....

 

Generally when something like this happens.. emotional needs are NOT been met or haven't been met for some time in the relationship, and the cheater is the type who doesn't have a problem keeping "secrets" from their significant other... Never healthy in any committed relationship.