lost in translation

[smile]

ok so my ex and i have been kinda hanging out lately. His new gf and him have broken up, basically she is crazy. So anyway we have been hanging out and every once in a while he says things and i am like "what does THAT mean?"

 

When he was still with her he kept saying to me that it was complicated. That he never meant to meet her and it just got out of hand. Plus he wasnt over us and was confused as to why he still wanted to be with me.

 

Now he comes over and says things like "i dont regret anything in our relationship".. and he says "man my family is going to be gone for christmas I am going to be alone." or he says "i want you to know everything that happened as far as this girl goes.. like she is crazy and here is what she did to me".. he says i deserve to know. Which is funny because one of the reasons we had problems is because he was never fully truthful with me about his exs.

 

He says ominious things like "I am depressed now but I can see that I will be happy in the future.... I can see it now and thank you" and then he says "i am sorry that i wanted you to be sensitive but not emotional." He says "we should save up and in a few years we should go to paris or tokyo."

 

I have been talking with him all friendly and being buddies but I have no idea what he wants. Yes I know I could just ask him.. but I dont want him to think the only reason I am hanging around is to be together... so I wont ask.

 

Just wondering if anyone had any insight to what these things mean. I now know that I have the important stuff. We can talk and laugh thats important. After everything we have been through and said to eachother ..we still are communicating and connected thats important. If I need anything or he needs anything we are here for eachother, thats important. And most important of all.... he is my friend.

 

I guess I am ok with being friends.. I will always want more but I can feel it slowly waning into more of a wishful thing and less of an ultimatum type thing... I am just wondering what everyone else sees here. Thanks!

[Cabras]

It does sound like you have become a friend. He is sharing with you. If that is the direction you want to go then go for it. If you want clarification you may have to challenge some of his comments. Is two friends of the opposite sex saving up for a big vacation a reality? What about signifigant others? How would they feel about such a situation?

 

His other comments are just so out of context for me I would have a tough time figuring them out. I fell for my best friend when we were 20. We dated, but then she started dating someone else. Then she had to get rid of me as a friend too. That could be where you are headed. Often, new interests don't feel comfortable with old interests too close.

[alphamale]

i have said it here many times and will repeat once again:

 

'DON'T EVER BE 'FRIENDS' WITH AN EX UNLESS YOU HAVE KIDS TOGETHER'

 

 

If you really want this dude to be your b/f again you need to implement no contact (NC) for at least 2 months minimum.

 

And NC means NC is any form whatsoever, including smoke signals.

[daphne]

well well. the world has started spinning in a different direction. I agree with Alphamale. The only time I have ever wanted to be friends with an ex was when I was no longer in love with them. And even then it wasn't a great idea because I could sense that they were still hoping for something more.

 

If you want nothing more than friendship, be a friend. But most of the time nothing comes out of being friends with an ex except disappointment. He'll use you as an emotional crutch until he finds someone closer to what he's looking for. not good for confidence.

[smile]

Thank you guys so much for your insight. I do appreciate it. While I do see where you are comming from I do believe exbfs and exgfs can be friends. I mean it wasn't just about sex and cuddles with us... we were best friends.. we both keep saying that ...

 

I think it's ok to be friends.. I am not staking my whole life on this mind you, I want him back but I am not sitting at home waiting for him. I am living my life, meeting people. I don't feel like I want a relationship now but that will change someday I know.

 

It goes against who I am to ditch out on this friendship because it isn't exactly what I want. I am not going to throw away this connection. The two of us have been there for eachother through so much you can read some of my earlier posts if you want the whole deal. It's just so amazing to me that we can be through what he have been through and still want to talk to/ hang out with eachother.

 

Our beakup was hard but it wasn't unrealistic. I was going through emotional crap and have since been to therapy. He had a bit of a nervous breakdown and he is now starting to clear his head from it. Instead of calling it his epiphany he now calls it the time when he went crazy.

 

We are building something that I don't believe will go away. Whatever form it takes... he has an exgf who is like a member of his family. They dated like 5 years ago and while I was jealous of her for a while, when I was in therapy I realized something. I wasn't jealous of her because she was there.. she was no threat and so sweet .... I was jealous because I thought I was supposed to be. I was afraid of what I looked like to the rest of the world being ok with his exgf hanging out with his family.... but in my heart I don't care...

 

There are moments when I want him back, and there are moments when I don't. I have a sneaking suspiscion he feels the same way. That's something we need to work through and hopefully come out on the other side with a stronger connection and deeper appreciation of eachother.

 

Relationships aren't easy.. none of them... the best friends I have I have been through crap with and made it throught. It's that stuff that strengthens..

 

I was just hoping for some insight on what he may be thinking. i have no intentions of moving away from this connection.

[AutumnWind]

Smile, I just want to say your ex and mine sound very similar in a lot of the stuff they say! I wish I could be of more help, but I'm just as confused as you are right now. My ex-bf keeps saying mysterious stuff I can't figure out - he made a similar comment about us going on a vacation together to Asia at some point... or he'll say he's been depressed but "I'm feeling good right now... <pause> I'm happy you called..." (when we're talking)... he always calls me right back if I leave a message on his phone and then we talk for an hour and he will pour his heart out to me about random stuff like his feelings about life, work, family, etc. But THEN he'll clam up for days, no contact, and/or seems awkward and hesitant when we next talk! Sometimes we flirt and joke around and sometimes it's more like a heart to heart talk... One big difference is that we can't see each other in person yet (currently long distance) and we'll meet in a few weeks... and we haven't actually talked about our relationship at ALL since August... so our status is completely in limbo...

 

I think it's important to keep living your life independently of him and dating other people if you feel like it as long as he's not willing to be more upfront and serious with you... That might force the issue too if he realizes he can't take you for granted indefinitely. If you DO want some possibility of being back with him romantically however, I would advise keeping things at least a little intriguing and flirtatious on your end... Don't make it seem like you want him or need him, but that you certainly LIKE him and enjoy being around him (if that makes sense)... That's positive without being overwhelming... And of course, only keep hanging out if YOU are feeling ok with it - I personally have set limits for myself and if I feel this ambiguity is causing me too much frustration at some point then I will draw the line there.

 

Good luck!!